Any Ideas about how to deal with 20 year old on the spectrum

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who refuses contact with primary care parent due to divorce?

It's really heartbreaking and concerning because he needs so much and socially has just alienated everyone because it is too much to process. What can we do not to push him farther away and to make sure that he is okay?

Does he contact the other parent?

I really don't know enough about the situation from what you've said to give any good advice. If he won't talk to his parent, then (from his POV, at least) that parent did him wrong in some way. Trying to talk someone out of their feelings, as in "He/she really cares about you, you shouldn't feel this way," tends to be a lousy tactic for someone who has examined the problem from every angle (again, from his POV) and can only conclude that he's right. Difficulty processing strong emotions combined with above average intelligence and focusing skill equals someone who will carry a grudge for a long, long time. And if he says, for example, that he was abandoned by a parent, can you really say with certainty he wasn't, simply because they didn't 'mean to'? We need to know more to help you.

two ideas:

Invite him to limited duration activities, like less than 2 hours.

and

Try and make some progress on the underlying issues, not as some mis-attempted all in one, but some acknowledgement that something was wrong before. Sometimes an acknowledgement is a necessary precursor to an apology, which is likely to be, almost by its very nature, a partial apology. (Flawed human beings, that's usually the best we can do!)

As far as details go, he is easily led by others and seems to have shut down when pressured by others in his family and while I think he talks to one family member occassionally, she was not his primary caregiver, his dad was. He has completely shut down and won't communicate at all with his dad and his dad just wants to make sure his needs are met.

Well, can his Dad indirectly see that his primary needs are met? (And I know his Dad wants to be involved, but could he give him a little bit of a break and a little bit of space. And maybe later on, the Dad could write a one page, straightforward, not letter of apology, but simply letter of acknowledge, that things must have been hard)

(and divorces can be just damn difficult situations. And even the best of parents can attempt to 'enlist' their child in various ways to fight against the other parent)

Last edited by AardvarkGoodSwimmer on 11 Aug 2010, 2:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Where is he living now? By your description, it would seem he's not self sufficient. If his feelings are interfering with his day-to-day routine of life, then he certainly needs an intervention. But if he is otherwise capable of eating, dressing, and otherwise going through the motions of life, then maybe allowing him to go back to whatever routine he has is the way to go. It may be the thing he wants most right now, for everyone to just shut up about his dad and how he spends his day as long as he's not breaking rules and still following the program. Autistics are still individuals, and we all come to terms with things at our own paces.

Yeah, build on whatever positives he has going on right now, and not just fixate on 'problems'

Please don't pressure him. When a family member finds himself or herself doing this, gently back off.

And I know we're all human. But, don't compound a mistake and keep going when something is clearly not working.

Please don’t view someone with asperger’s or autism as someone who needs to be slam-dunked because it’s oh-so-important that he believe a certain way.

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I have written a piece on jobs and how young people are sometimes told they need to “try harder.” That is not a good solution, and then, it really doesn’t address 10% unemployment, not at all. I don't know if this is applicable in this young man's particular situation, but I’m going to go ahead and post it.

Look, as a 20 yr old person, it’s likely he experienced some version of “tough love” and/or “sink or swim.” And, for starters--- what part of 10% unemployment do we not understand!? And even when unemployment is 5%, run the numbers, that is a whole lot of people. And yet the beliefs “oh, if you want a job bad enough,” or “you’re not really trying,” are so widespread, there’s a fair chance one or both parents got frustrated with him and ran some version of this on him.

So, what, maybe if we were hunters-gatherers, there would be a one-to-one correlation between trying harder and success. But even there, a little bit like baseball, or any other athletic activity, there really is a phenomenon of trying too hard and losing the flow or the zone of the activity.

And speaking personally, I have had difficulties with both job hunting and jobs themselves precisely from trying too hard. I sometimes make other people uncomfortable, and I recognize this.

Or, consider a young person not on the spectrum, who has above-average social skills, on and on, executive function, organizational skills—yet such a young person if they’re not going on to college for whatever reason, would have a very rough time in today’s economy. And jobs like Quizno sandwich, Target, Toys R Us, Chic Fil A, they’re not easier to keep than a regular “real” job. They’re harder! And compared to a crummy job, even a school run halfway decently makes so much more sense (and a lot of this admittedly depends on the particular assistant manager, there is a great deal luck-of-the-draw to all this).

And if at all possible, family members should help each other during hard times, even if partially estranged. As hard as that might be. Do the possible. Be decent, be middle-of-the-road. So if his parents were talking about “kicking him out,” something like that, that’s not cool. They might think they were just spouting off. Whereas he might take it very seriously.

Does he feel like he is being controlled by his family? I cut mine off when they try that with me.

I felt that I was being controlled by my family, at that age, and I didn't know about subsidized housing, so I didn't think that moving out, was an option. My parents did the best that they could, with what they had. I know that you want the best, for your son, and I hope that things work out, for you and your family.