having your kids alone vs. social interaction...

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I homeschool my kiddo and so far it has been great. He has been raised to be polite, not do bad things, etc...never had any problems with him in this area...that is until we moved into these apartments where he gets lots of social interaction with other kids...

Everyone says he needs the social interaction, but at the same time I am disgusted at the things he learns from other kids that I KNOW he did not learn at home, never did at home before, etc...and I know it is learning from other kids because for months I have heard and seen these other kids do these things...of course, now because mine is slower verbally, he's the one who always ends up being blamed...

ie. he has NEVER fought another kid...he was riding his bike and one kid was chasing him and pulling on his shirt to pull him off...my kiddo pushed him and when he did, another kid got involved "because the kid trying to push my son asked him to"...so of course, because mine can't explain all the details, one mother believes it is my kid that started it...little did she know I have watched this other kid kicking her son's bike, trying to pull him off it, etc...and of course, the day of this incident I also watched him do the same to my son

ie. the same lady now says my son has been throwing balls of sand into the pool...not once have I seen my son do this...when he is out and about I am constantly calling him on a cell I got him and walking around the complex to check up on him...not once have I seen her walk around to check on her son who spends the entire day walking around the complex...whom I was told by other kids will pee in corners and of course, my kid who never did that learned from him.

I am at my witts end...I hate that these "schooled" kids have such bad manners and then my kid whom I have taken care of to teach right from wrong learns these things from them...and of course, the parents of these pathetic kids think I am unreasonable for being so strict with mine...

her kid will even jump in the pool without any adult and my son won't do that as he knows that he cannot go to the pool alone...

What do you do? How do you handle it? I told my husband our son is NOT to go out without one of us anymore...I am tired of these "NT" parents thinking our homeschool kid needs to "go to school and socialize" when the fact is that what these kids learn is bad habits from kids whose parents don't teach their kids manners...

Meh. Your kid is going to go to be around all kinds of different people one day, they're going to see people doing bad things eventually-- it sucks, but what can be done? But there's also the possibility that your child has never fought another kid because he's never really been around other kids. I'd suggest a homeschooling group-- the kids in one of these would likely be more civil, and possibly nicer to your child.

My son has always gone to school. He has never been in a fight, I've never heard a report of him making fun of someone. He doesn't do anything unsafe, even if other kids are doing it. If I tell him not to cross the street he doesn't. I have not had those issues.

I have taught my son to stick up for others and report things he thinks are wrong. I taught him to be independent and no matter what anyone says (even an adult) he needs to do what he knows is right and not let others sway him if he feels very strongly about it.

I think your son is being who he is and it has nothing to do w/ the other kids. Right now, the best (IMO) you can do is teach him how to handle situations the way you want him to and how it is appropriate. He needs to know how to make decisions for himself, otherwise he will end up in situations he is not prepared for, like recently, and do stuff like get into a fight.

And you should well-know that parents only have limited control on how their children turn out. Their development is only partially under the parent's control. There are plenty of crappy parents that have awesome children and plenty of awesome parents that have crappy children.

I would teach your child one of the most important social lessons of all: just because you see other people do something, does not mean that YOU should do something. If he has been taught to avoid certain words, then he should avoid them, no matter how often he hears other kids use them. And so on.

To the extent he is being exposed to new terms and new situations, you take the time to teach him how you feel about those terms and situations, and explain how you expect him to react. Be gentle when instructing him about slang, in that he may not know what the real meaning is. As soon as he learns the real meaning, there is a good chance he'll be appalled that he ever repeated the phrase; my son pretty much always is (he has really high standards for himself).

As for the other parents ... grrr. If a mom thinks your son is throwing sand into the pool, ask her simply, "have you seen him do that? If so, I'll deal with him on it." Odds are, she hasn't. With all the other accusations, you do something similar, in asking questions. Often the process of having to answer your questions will get them to realize that they may not be basing their conclusions on reliable sources. Stay calm, ask next digging questions. When appropriate, you can respond with what you HAVE seen and know first hand. All of which will make it painfully obvious who is paying attention, and who is not.

I think those of us on this board have pretty solidly concluded that attending public school isn't exactly the best way to learn social skills. No worries there; just keep doing what you are doing, and add the layer of "how to deal with kids who behave badly" to his repertoire. No need to prevent, cut off or even supervise all contact (except to the extent needed to prevent your child from falsely becoming a scapegoat); teach him, instead, how to stay true to himself.

Good luck.

So many people think that school is the only place a kid can learn social skills. We will start our 5th year of homeschooling my 13 year old son and I can tell you that he learned zero social skills in school - he learned how to stand in line, keep quiet, listen to the teacher, avoid the bullies, etc.

Homeschooling provides a lot of opportunities for socializing -it depends on what your community offers and what kind of interaction your kid is comfortable with. I have found that one on one interaction with his friend has been the most unbelievable gift ever- I think his friend is somewhere on the spectrum (although undiagnosed) so they have similar brains and interests so they can talk for 3 hours straight -that to me is socialization -he gets a chance to listen to someone, take turns in a conversation, experience lulls in the conversation and how to manage that, etc. We do go on outings with SMALL groups (better for my son ) of homeschoolers. We also go places and I make him order his own food at a restaurant, purchase his own items at a store, I have him practice making phone calls, etc. real life situations

As far as hanging with the ps kids - we've tried it and it usually never works -not because all ps kids are bad - they aren't mostly because so many of them are sports kids -something my kid is not..... we've been lucky to find one kid in the past who was a respectful, decent kid that he was friends with for quite awhile. We've since moved and I know there is a 13 year old kid that lives down the street but haven't pursued getting them together - I see the kid on his skateboard, with his golf clubs , etc....he and my son would probably have little in common. I'm not saying it's impossible, just unlikely that they would be buddies. Just the fact that they're both 13 doesn't mean they could automatically click and starting hanging out.

I've seen way too many parents who aren't as mindful of their kids actions as IMHO they should be - why should you put your kid in some kind of possible danger for the sake of socialization? Also depends, IMHO on how old your son is?

Thanks for the replies...

As far as my son being who he is, most adults here love him because he is the ONLY child that says "Hi Mr. BLAH" or "Hi Ladies" or "Hi Gentlemen, have a nice day", etc...believe me, that is NOT who he is. We socialized with other homeschool kids before and NEVER had this problem. It has only been now that he's 9 and the two kids that live closest to us do all kinds of things...including this mom's son who the other day we heard a little 7yr old girl screaming because he was trying to KISS her! My son has NEVER done such a thing, would NEVER do such a thing...although he is girl crazy and tells many girls "you are pretty and look like a flower", not ONCE have we seen him or heard him treat a girl this way...

I agree he's going to be exposed to all kinds of things and I know I need to find a way to help him understand it's not ok to do what these other kids do...again, we've never had a problem with the homeschooled kids we have met, neither with any of our old neighbors or our friend's kids or him doing anything remotely like this...the only difference is the way these two parents raise their kids who are kids that spend all day on the street...only with THESE kids has he gotten in trouble...

Sigh, as far as kids who are in school and parents never hearing anything about their bad behavior, that's also what the parents of thousands of bullies out there have told the press...My son would NEVER do that, I have never heard of that...fact is that bullying occurs mostly in schools and most parents are NOT aware of what their kid does because they don't see them for 7-8hrs a day...I do know my child's normal behavior because I am with him 24hrs a day...

as far as "And you should well-know that parents only have limited control on how their children turn out. Their development is only partially under the parent's control. There are plenty of crappy parents that have awesome children and plenty of awesome parents that have crappy children."

I do NOT believe that is true. I have yet to meet a parent who is there for their child ALL THE TIME that has bad kids...I have met MANY bad kids and their parents may be "nice", but that does NOT mean they are good parents...usually the kind of parent that ends up with bad kids is the same one who says "I can't be there all the time, he needs to go out and experience life on his own too, he needs to learn from his own mistakes, blah, blah, blah..." and they are super sweet and nice to all others while letting their kids run around unsupervised every single day for hours and hours on end...

I think you may be throwing stones there, and you may want to review that judgement.

My mom was an absent, alcoholic who regularly hit me. I was a really nice kid, horrid teen and if I do say so myself, well balanced, loving, contributing member of society as an adult.

I planned and prepared for my kids, read everything available to figure out good parenting (since I hadn't lived it), am totally there with and for my kids. DS #1, great, well adjusted teen. In the marching band and taking honors and AP classes. DS #2 has AS and Bipolar. He has public meltdowns which can be violent and rageful. If you didn't know us, he would probably fall into the bad kid category. And, it sounds like you would automatically put me in the bad mom category.

Well, you know what? His dx has nothing to do with my parenting. I can love him, be there for him do everything possible to understand what is happening for him and still when someone hurts his feelings he might bop them.

It has taken a long time for me to realize that I don't have the power over how my kids develop. All I can do is provide the foundation and they, with their own unique genetics, will do the rest.

Now, here's the thing... my kid with his dx can't play in the neighborhood unsupervised when there is more than one child present. He knows his rules and he is to come get an adult to watch when the kids change. He just doesn't have the skill set to manage groups of kids playing unsupervised. They all do dumb kid stuff and my DS doesn't know how to manage it and always seems to be the guy in trouble. Like you, I think he just doesn't manage sneaky, like the others do.

Therfore, I don't think the neighbor kids are "the" problem, it is that your son probably can't manage them (and the dumb kids stuff that maybe your previous group didn't have). So, know that you can't control others and take responsibility supervise your son. For our kids, 9 might be too young to be unsupervised.

this has nothing to do with whether a child is home or public schooled. nothing at all.

before this summer, i probably would have said it has to do with kids being unsupervised. at this point in time, i wont even say that.

i have a 6 yr old who is a lovely child. he is happy, funny, polite, intelligent, and i can honestly say he is a "good kid". his teachers and our neighbors even say so. we live in an apt complex (i am the manager) and this summer he made a local best friend for the first time. before this we didnt have boys his age to play with, but now there is an 8 yr old here too and they are joined at the hip every day. this other boy is an only child and previously lived out in the country where he didnt play with other boys much either.

these two boys have gotten into SO MUCH TROUBLE. they wont stay out of the bushes, playing with the landscaping rocks, running up and down the balconies, messing around with the lumber at the maintenance sheds. and i know they are doing these things because i CATCH THEM because i check on them all the time. both moms are keeping an eye on them frequently, theyve been grounded and not allowed to play numerous times for repeatedly getting into things they have been told not to do. after 6 warnings about not playing with the landscaping rocks, my son came home with blood streaming down his face from a scalp laceration when the other boy threw a rock straight up and it came down on my sons head ("but we werent throwing them at anything!").

both of these are good kids, normally well behaved, and neither have a mean or bad bone in their bodies. but it is also the first time theyve had another boy to play with every day. the first time for both of them to live in an apt complex where the grounds and buildings dont belong to them. and for my son, the first summer he has been allowed to spread his wings without a parent outside with him every minute. its been a learning experience for all of us.

thankfully, the past couple weeks they have been MUCH better. i was especially thankful as having my own son doing these things, as the manager, was very frustrating and down right embarrassing.

my whole point is, good kids sometimes do not good things. it has nothing to do with public school. it has nothing to do with, as you condescendingly put it, "NT" parents. it has to do with them being KIDS. it has to do with them learning boundaries in a new situation, and being able to remember those new boundaries.

btw, i have experienced those other types of kids, the ones whose parents let them run loose for hours on end and never check on them. we had a couple of them staying here this summer, and it got to the point where i had to speak to the aunt they were visiting and they are no longer allowed on our complex. the problems for those kids come long before they are allowed outside alone, and its not simply being unsupervised that causes their behavior. its usually indicative of a much bigger problem with the lack of being taught values and proper conduct.

you may want to consider not letting your son play with the kids you disapprove of. thats what i did, even before i had to have the kids removed from the complex. no socialization is better than bad socialization. for kids like my outgoing disgustingly social NT son, he doesnt see it that way, but as his mother, i do, and its MY CALL, not his.

also, as a manager, i would encourage you to talk to the manager of your complex if you see or know of issues with kids peeing on the complex, assaulting other children (forced kisses are physical assault), etc. kids are tenants too, and any decent manager will address the issue. i have walked more than one child up to their own front door and made them stand there while i discussed their behavior with their parent.

Reading all of these posts is scaring me, because I don't know if or when I would be able to trust my son to just play independently in the neighborhood. We live in a large subdivision, and I would be a nervous wreck letting him go out by himself. I guess he is only 5, so maybe in a few years he will want to, but I am not sure, because he never really talks about having friends or wanting friends.

My son is going to public school and will be in the special needs kindergarten class. His class is very small and he will get lots of one on one attention. I would like to see him eventually mainstreamed into a regular classroom, but I am not sure how it will work for him on many levels. After reading so much on WP, I am seriously considering homeschooling if it comes to the point of him being stressed out or bullied.

Anyway, I guess I didn't address the OP's original post, but I just wanted to put my 2 cents in!

I fully admit that maybe 7 or 10 years ago I would have said the same things as whatamess. I had to see and experience a lot in order to changed my tune.

There are of course children who misbehave because they have no supervision. There are of course children that behave tht have no supervision. There is just such a mix. You can't meet a child and decide what their parents are like based on what the child does.

My son who has autism and a mood disorder damaged someone's car during a public rage. I am not a bad parent, never have been.

I personally would never even let my child run around an apartment complex alone, even at 10 years old. But I am not judging anyone that does - your choice. I might say you are not supervising your own child though. Should I assume you are a bad parent? No.

If your son is being blamed for trouble you might re-think allowing him to play with these kids unsupervised.

You can't force someone else to change their parenting style or tell them how to raise their child. You also won't be able to convince anyone that their child is worse behaved than yours. You can, however, control with whom and where your child plays.