CONCERNED!!

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My son is 11 years old. He has a same-age female admirer who has sent him greeting cards, bookmarks, and postcards through the mail. My concern is this: He grabs his mail and heads for his bedroom and closes himself up in there for a about an hour and is not willing to come out or let anyone see what he's gotten in the mail. My older son (23) thinks he may be masterbating due to what he hears when he listens at the door. He just laughs it off and encourages me to do so to. I finally got my hands on the mailings and they were sincere, cute, greeting of someone who just wants to be friends. Now, I at least know who the girl is.
She's another aspie from my son's class. I can't understand how my young son interprets these mailings as sexual turn-ons? I'm afraid he'll try to get this poor girl alone and do something to her. He confessed to my older son that he had kissed her at school...right smack on the lips. He also is constantly asking my husband for work to where he can save up some money to take her on a date. I like all this except for the mastabatory part - it just doesn't belong in this picture. I find it creepy...and even creepier...he walks around a lot with a visible erection. I'm thinking of taking him to counseling. All the males in my household just shrug their shoulders and say, "What's the big deal?" I feel like this is some kind of a hint of a serious problem that lies ahead. I'm really scared. I feel like telling this girl to keep away from my son but for her own good. I feel like I need to protect her from him. I asked him what his intentions are with this girl. He just yawns and says , "Oh, she's just a friend." But he's working his tail off earning money for this so-called "date". What the heck is he planning? He's sleeping with the mailings under his pillow. If all that other stuff wasn't involved (yeah, a lot of laundry every morning), I'd think this was really cute and would want to chaparone with the girl's mom on their date but because of what he's doing and to the extent of what he is doing, I can't allow it.

Oh, please. Congratulations, you have an adolescent boy in the house. I realize this is your baby, but eleven is about the age the hormones start to hit, so he's right on schedule. Masturbation is a perfectly normal and healthy part of adolescence. If the other adult men in your household who have already been through this aren't worried, why are you?

As for the young lady -- since she's AS, you may not recognize her style of showing her interest, but girls who just want to be friends in school don't send cards and gifts through the mail or let boys kiss them without complaint. Your son has his first girlfriend. He's not telling you that she's his girlfriend because, well, he's an adolescent boy and you're Mom. Calm down, sit back and enjoy the sight of your baby growing up. The great romance will likely be over in a month, anyway.

1. Don't worry, its normal.

2. Don't worry, it's normal.

3. Get him some underwear that does a better job of hiding his erection, I recommend briefs as opposed to boxers.

4. Don't worry, it's normal.

The only serious problem that lies ahead is a major crisis for your son when he realizes you are disturbed and disgusted by his very normal pre-teen development. Children with AS have enough difficulty with acceptance in life, so your son really needs yours. With all due respect, it seems like the biggest problem in this situation is your reaction. The only difference between his development and that of any other boy his age is that he may have a few more faux pas, so to speak. If you are really concerned, gently talk to your son about appropriate social behavior with girls at this age. Let him know it is normal to like girls, but let him know how to treat them respectfully. Better yet, maybe encourage dad have this conversation with him, as he is way less freaked out about the normal happenings of male development.

And I will double ditto everything pschristmas said.

You make it sound like every boy with Asperger's is prone to being a sexual predator, just because he is possibly masturbating?

It sounds like you need to figure out how you want to handle sexual maturation. Your son is hitting puberty and it sounds like your kind of freaked out by it.

My AS son is developing differently than the NT did. AS son is much more interested in learning the facts and talking about what will happen and when it will happen. Yeah, delightful conversation trying to describe a wet dream and why they happen!

Anyway, I think that it is really important to be talking about this stuff so it will become less of an issue. Have you talked about masturbation? Does he know that you think it's just a normal part of human sexuality and is fine so long as private?

My son is pretty fact based (the NT guy was embarassed and horrified). I think it is important for them to know that it's OK. I am consistently open about these issues and talk about it as no big deal. I guess my point to you is that it is no big deal AND that my AS and NT kids have handled it differently. I bet any two kids would be different though, just happens that one is NT the other AS. For my analytical guy, the facts are so important. I want to make sure he hears the facts (as I want them presented) rather than the fiction that can be found on the internet.

I can sympathize with you, 11 seems a bit early for this to start. I have been hoping that we won't have to cross this bridge until closer to 13 but kids all mature at their own pace, we don't have much control over that. It is important that you open the dialogue. Your son will learn best from you and/or his dad how you expect him to treat girls and I think its vitally important that he hear it from you. He will respect your views if you communicate them to him.

Might be a good time to do some reading. I just finished The Asperger Parent by Jeffrey Cohen; it had a pretty good chapter on adolescence. "There are many things about our children that are different that with their neurotypical peers, but their physical development isn't one of them. Hormones flow just as rapidly in a teenager with Asperger Syndrom as in one who doesn't have AS, and they are just as difficult to ignore. The problem is that impulse control has never been a strong feature of AS makeup, and during the teenage years, a child with AS is feeling more, and different, impulses than ever before."

In other words, it's normal -- but do worry. That is, prepare yourself and prepare your son. You don't need to freak out about him masturbating, though it might be a good time to teach him to do his own laundry. Just work on helping him understand what is and isn't appropriate, if it seems like that might be an issue. Though the fact that he's masturbating a lot doesn't necessarily mean he would do anything inappropriate.

ETA - Not to make light of your fears, but I can't help thinking you're damn lucky he already understands to do these things in private. My son is still completely free of inhibitions, sometimes to an embarrassing degree.

I have to agree with everything that has been said so far on this thread, but I have a further suggestion. Would you consider your 23 year old son capable of talking to your younger son about this matter in a mature and sensitive way? It's definitely time to discuss the birds and the bees with your growing adolescent and he might be more receptive to talking about his sexual feelings with his big brother.

And let me assure you, the sexual awakening that leads to masturbation is a confusing time for us men. The feelings of guilt and shame as we become more aware of our sexual function can be especially hard for a child with AS to resolve. What your lad needs now more than ever is a great deal of understanding and acceptance. And congratulations to your son for finding getting himself a girlfriend. It really does reflect on you as a parent that he is socially integrated enough with his peer group to be considering going on a date with her.

I certainly don't have any experience with this as my son is only 5, so I am trusting what the other posters are saying. I think it is pretty normal for kids this age to start getting interested in the opposite sex, so it is promising that he is developing in that area. I still think it would be too young to go on an unsupervised date though. I think ALL parents should be cautious in that area in not leaving pre-teens or teens unsupervised for long periods at a time. JMO

Whatever you do just don't let him watch A Clockwork Orange.

Just think, if he was born female, he could have been having his period for two (or more) years now.

Regarding the "erotic material", haha. Remember, he is very young, and though the feelings are there, the experience isn't. So yeah, having proof in your hands that the girl you're crushing on likes you too - that could definitely be a turn on.

In fact I think it's really sweet.

Would you rather he be turned on by hardcore porn on the computer? Or perhaps his sisters underwear. Is that less..upsetting?

It's probably time to read up on adolescent boy behaviour, because it's very treacherous ground to walk. Too intrusive and they cut you off. Too neglectful and they get themselves in trouble. My son is 8 and I'm NOT looking forward to it.

When in doubt, defer to Dad.
Good luck!