My Aspie son doesn't WANT to learn the rules of this planet!

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My 13yo son was recently diagnosed with Asperger's. He's a wonderful kid, but really struggles because he's inflexible and negative, and very intense. He seems to have certain rules in his head about how things should be, and tries to control situations. I assume a lot of this has to do with anxiety, which we have been trying to treat with medication.

If he was functioning just fine and was happy, I wouldn't worry. But he has frequent behavior problems (arguing, refusing to follow rules he doesn't agree with, meltdowns). He's going to be seeing a counselor who works with Aspies, and we've signed him up for a social skills group that starts in a couple of months. But I know he will only make great progress if he's motivated to work hard. If he continues to feel that his perspective is the only right one, and he just doesn't care if no one else sees it that way, will he be able to get along? He is very social, so it's not a case of him just not wanting interaction. It just doesn't go well, and when it's pointed out to him, he gets defensive.

I read all these books and websites that talk about teaching your Asperger child to understand social cues, etc., and I think, what if he doesn't care to learn them? Sigh. Tell me I'm worrying over nothing, and he'll get there when he's ready. Part of me thinks a lot of his negative attitude comes from years of getting in trouble for things he didn't mean to do or didn't understand. He also doesn't come across as Aspie in all situations, and is very bright, so when he acts in socially immature, inflexible, anxious ways, people get mad because they assume he can act differently and is just choosing not to.

Jane

If it's not OCD then he needs to either learn to at least compromise on his social rules or else he will have to wait until he is alienated enough (and wondering why) that he will talk to a therapist about learning how to follow conventional social rules.

I was and still am kinda like that. Aspie plus rigid stubbornness...

Let me first qualify that I am NOT a parent, but I'm going to address a few points that jump out at me and make a few suggestions.

DON'T PANIC.

A 13 year old boy, even without AS, is probably going to push the parental buttons as much as possible. Something about it being in the job description of a teenager.

DON'T PANIC.

He seems to have certain rules in his head about how things should be, and tries to control situations. At the age of 44, I have certain rules in my head about how things should be. Along the way, though, an element called maturity reared its head and I realized that I can't control all situations.

I assume a lot of this has to do with anxiety, which we have been trying to treat with medication. I don't know that anxiety has anything pertinent to the control he's trying to exert over events, but, give the medicine time to work.

DON'T PANIC.

He also doesn't come across as Aspie in all situations, and is very bright, so when he acts in socially immature, inflexible, anxious ways, people get mad because they assume he can act differently and is just choosing not to. Assumptions are dangerous and stupid all on their own, so, no, he's not deciding consciously to engage in Aspie behavior at exactly the wrong time, it just surfaces.

Tell me I'm worrying over nothing, and he'll get there when he's ready. Yeah, he will. I'll point out that whole maturity thing again. And, one more time...

DON'T PANIC.

Read the Tony Attwood book "Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome." too. That should help.

Part of what you're describing has a tremendous amount to do with maturity.

Do you take the time to sit down and talk to him about his rules?

I can completely relate to what you're saying. It's not all anxiety either - it's possible he's trying to puzzle through things in a very black and white way. People don't operate that way, and it's frustrating.

You stated he got into trouble for things he didn't mean to do or understand - that is IMMENSELY frustrating which can explain his current emphasis on "rules". This is really a great opportunity to talk to him and learn about his perception of social rules, and then work on correcting what you can in a gentle and loving way. He needs to understand nuance. He also needs to learn about exceptions to rules which was very difficult for me to understand - especially at his age.

There are things you won't be able to correct and he'll have to learn on his own, but do the best you can to be a support and it will all be fine.

Nara, at first, I got a bit hurt by your reply, but as I continued to read, I realized that, as much as I want my ds's behavior to change because it causes so much conflict and makes it hard for him to make friends and work with others, I need to try as hard as I can to put myself in his shoes. Perhaps if I can, I can respond more compassionately and effectively when he seems difficult. So thanks for your perspective. It's just so hard, because I feel like "the world" just isn't going to try to see things from his perspective, and he's going to have a lot of conflict and struggle, know what I mean? And I get a lot of pressure from other parents (whose kids are NTs) that my ds needs to learn to obey authority or he will end up in big trouble. (I have been trying to find a support group for parents of Aspie teens. I feel isolated because the parenting techniques that work with other kids don't work with my son.)

I do appreciate the other responses, too. I know that he's emotionally immature at this point, and he'll get the skills he needs eventually, and I need to be patient. I guess I want him to WANT to learn those skills now, not after he's been rejected by a friend, or can't get a job, or something. Know what I mean?

Thanks, y'all. I appreciate all your comments.

Jane

Is he arguing to be defiant or because that is just how he converses? I find it very difficult to say anything to my family unless I disagree with them. What is there to say when I do agree, unless there is something to say to improve it further? I've been called hateful, too negative, a lot. It's really upsetting to hear that from your family, when you're just trying to talk like everyone else does.

I also don't see anything your original post that points to him being unhappy. I think eventually, if he becomes unhappy, he will realize why and work to improve his communication and learn coping strategies to not meltdown. Also, he's only thirteen. I would question why you would have someone learning social skills who didn't want to in the first place. All in due time.

June, as an Aspie and the parent of one, I understand (I think) your concerns over your son. Wish I could help, but all I can say is that when it's valuable enough TO HIM to fit in, he'll start thinking about taking steps to do so. Until then, there's not a lot you can do other than what you're already doing. My grandmother had a saying she'd repeat quite often around our home - "You can lead a horse to water, but you cannot force him to drink." I think it applies here.

Being 13 ... you'll pardon the language... tends to suck no matter if you are Aspie or NT, from what I remember and have observed. And it's not a lot less painful observing it than it is living it. But 13 is the first horizon of adulthood, so your son will have to take his lumps and bumps and pretty much the only thing you can really do that you haven't mentioned is help him learn how to recover from them. He has to have the intrinsic self-confidence to know he can recover after a disaster. And, as far as I know, the only way to learn that is by doing it.

My personal experience is that I, and my child, and several spectrum relatives, matured emotionally several years after was expected. We went through the appropriate "stages" of development, just more slowly than appears to be the norm. My child is now in her early 20s and is just about ready to go off to college. The rest of us made it to adulthood and are productive and, as far as I know, relatively happy. It's doable, so don't see only the dark clouds.

For yourself, you have to learn to be able to step back a bit and insulate yourself from feeling like a failure or thinking you have to rush in to fix every scrape your son endures. That's not a lot easier to do, but it's necessary. Do keep him from walking off the proverbial cliff at this age, but if it's not that serious, let him take his lumps. Some people really do learn better by doing. Every now and then offer assistance, but try to start thinking of him as being a self-motivated person rather than your baby. It might be really very helpful for your sanity as time goes by. And, really, you can't force much on him, even if it's good for him.

Good luck, the teen years are not the easiest to parent but they can really be a blast if you can maintain your balance.

I don't know if this will be pertinent but it might be worth telling.

When my niece was 3yo and sort of like an adorable Tasmanian devil(ess), I said to her, "You know you'll always be invited here, no matter what you do, because you're family. But you're growing up now and you're starting to go out into the world. There are a lot of people out there, and none of them are your family. People on the street, in the stores, in the library, in the park - none are family. So why would people invite you to a party? People have parties because they want to have fun. Suppose some people are talking about a party they're going to have, and one says, 'Let's invite <niece>' but the other says, 'I never have any fun when <niece> is here.' So the first one says, 'OK, we won't invite her.' And you'll never even know there was a party - people won't tell you because they don't want to hurt your feelings."

Somehow this reached her, she got it. So I said, "You're lucky. Your mother knows how to get invited to everything. All you have to do is ask her."

And it worked. For the next ten years they'd show me things the child had learned. One was smiling at people. Later on she learned that she could go into a store if she stuck close to her mom, and kept her hands locked together at her waist.

I hope a variation on this might help you and your family.

All the best.

You're probably going to hate me for this, but I kind of agree with Nara. Just because NT's make the rules, doesn't make them right. Perhaps your son is seeing that NT social rules are often immoral, illogical , inconsistant, or even illegal. He may apear inflexible, but maybe he is just trying to make sense of rules that are, frankly, senseless.

And hey, he's 13. Nothing about being 13 made sense .

Maybe you could get him involved in a special interest group (chess, whatever) something where he could work on his skills in an enjoyable environment.

Lastly, I think it is important to educate people. These things are harder for people like us. We're not doing it to be prats.

I figured out long ago that my son needs to have a WHY for learning and following a social rule. If it makes no sense to his logic, he will refuse it. That is a very AS thing to do. No anxiety or OCD about it; its just that our rules don't make sense, and why follow a rule that is arbitrary or inappropriate?

My son isn't interested in how he appears to others; he figures that people either take him, or they leave him. So ... the social angle, that one must do A to fit in, that doesn't fly with him, either.

BUT. He does have goals, and he does have things he wants to accomplish. When I am able to point out to him to in a logical fashion that is consistent with his experiences and observations that A leads to B, B leads to C, and C leads to D - which relates to his goal - then he'll finally decide that maybe he should learn how to do A after all.

Much of it remains really difficult for him, even when he does want to learn it, because adopting these things requires acquiring new habits. You have to be that repetitive about much of it, same as if you were trying to train a habit.

First hurdle, though, is the logic.

Have fun with the so-called white lie, you know, when you tell someone something is nice to avoid hurting their feelings? Or find something positive to say in any way? To our kids, we're asking them to lie. Period. And didn't we tell them lying is wrong? Be really, really careful there, because you don't want him to give up on the "no lying" rule, and some AS do, when people try to teach them this little gem.

I hope what I say doesn't upset you, but sometimes, social norms don't matter. Sometimes, people use these "norms" to upset, hurt, or manipulate instead of for good use. He wants to be himself, and even if he's not like this "planet", he can and will do well! If he wants to, he will get married to an understanding person who will love him for who he is! He will get a job for his skills and talents! I know some people on this forum are athiests, but God made Asperger's Syndrome for a good reason, because it's not a curse! (Sorry if this offends you...)