Not hearing, not processing, or not paying attention?

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If I say to my son 'Please hand me the diaper wipes.' He brings me a diaper. If, after a shower, I tell him to hang up the towel and close the shower door (sliding door, no curtain), he will hang the towel and close the bathroom door. If I ask him to turn off the computer, he will turn off the TV. If I ask him to turn the hose on, he will go turn it off (it is already off so it doesn't turn, but he still tries to turn it off). If I ask him to turn off the coffee pot, he will go to the kitchen, stare at the window above the sink and tell me he can't find the coffee pot. If I tell him to get the phone off the dresser in my bedroom, he will go to the desk. If I tell him to get the bottle on the table, he will say there is no bottle (only one item/bottle on the table, a water bottle).

I don't want you to think I am giving him commands all the time, but those are examples from this weekend. This is all the time. It is very frustrating because I don't understand it. Does your child do this?

I am learning as I go and read and talk to people and docs. Our diagnosis is only 2 weeks old. He is 10. I have noticed if I stand in front of him and say 'Go to the kitchen and on the left hand side, by the microwave, at the end of the counter, there is the white coffee pot. Please look at the button on the right hand side of the coffee pot. If it is lit, it is still on. Please turn it off if it is lit by pressing the button down.' He will be able to do it. The coffee pot has always been in the same place.

Any idea what all this is about? I can give long, detailed commands, but I forget to do that at times.

When I was a child my parents would often say I never paid attention to what they said. While some of that could just be normal kid stuff, some of it could just be the way the kids brain processes information. I know I can forget the simplest of tasks, or I might be in the middle of doing something, and I am reminded I should go do something else. I will stop what I am doing right then, and go do the thing that I am reminded of.

However, when I am giving instructions or directions, I go into great detail. Equal to any GPS unit when giving directions. Although I am no all knowing master of the Asperger's Syndrome, I would think that this weirdly ordered and detail oriented method of receiving and delivering information is some kind of Asperger's trait.

There was a blog somewhere about issues similar to this, with a child who couldn't respond to normal instructions, but after the parents learned to phrase things a certain way, he did just fine. From how you describe your son, I definitely think it is something with processing and/or memory, because he is clearly trying to follow the instructions, just jumbling them somehow.

I can't be much help, however, because it sounds different than the issues we've had with my son. He tends to not hear at all, unless you have made a point to get his attention first, and he tends to take things overly literally, so if I've misspoken at all or left any room for interpretation, I will not get the result I was looking for (sometimes intentionally because he doesn't want to do what has been asked, and sometimes with full sincere misunderstanding).

There are many possible reasons for the kind of response you're getting from your son, so it is critical that you rule out the "simple" ones before jumping to the AS-related ones. Has his hearing been checked recently, by a qualified audiologist? If his hearing is not good, he could easily be exhibiting the kind of responses you are describing. Standing in front of him to give him the instructions would provide him with the opportunity to hear better (direct sound) and to read lips for better information. Many people with less-than-perfect hearing supplement their auditory input with lip reading, even sub-consciously.

If his hearing is fine, he might have an auditory processing problem. Again, standing in front of him would have helped, because he would have supplemented the auditory input with lip reading. Auditory processing problems involve a confusion in translating the sounds into the words/meanings they are meant to convey. People with perfect hearing sometimes have difficulty discriminating sounds, or discriminating between background and foreground "noise." Whether there is a hearing loss, or an auditory processing deficit, people tend to "fill in" what they missed, so if you ask your son to turn on the hose, and he just heard "turn" and "hose," and you usually ask him to turn the hose off, he'll turn it off.

Since your son was able to follow complex instructions when you gave them to him while you were standing in front of him, the problem does not seem to be a memory issue. It's possible that it is an attention issue, and that because of how you gave those instructions, you had his full attention. You may be able to get some input from your son, if you ask him when you aren't exasperated. When my son was younger (even younger than your son), he often wouldn't register what people were saying to him, or wouldn't respond, because he was playing video games in his head, and he had to get to a safe place where he could pause before he could respond. Sounds a bit weird, perhaps, but that was what was going on for him. He looked, from the outside, like he was just not paying attention, and not doing anything, but he was very busy!

I remember having issues like this quite a bit when I was working in a meat room during college. The problem was that the instructions would literally go in one ear and out the other. When I was not paying attention to the manager, he would bark an instruction and I would constantly hear only my name and as such request that the instruction be repeated.

What you need to do is ask your son what is going on. You may need to make sure you have his attention. It would also be a good idea to break down each line of the instruction into small pieces rather than have one big one. Also, leave out room for interpretation because that can get messed up too.

bjtao, i saw that you had posted about this similarity on my previous thread. its really interesting.

what i see in my oldest who does this is NOT the same as what i see in both my SO and my youngest who is diagnosed autistic. with the autistics, they physically HEAR when you speak to them, and my SO can answer afterwards and tell you what you said, but the sound doesnt bring their attention to you and they dont respond. for instance, i can call their names multiple times from just a couple feet away. they can hear it, there is nothing physically wrong with the mechanics of hearing, but it doesnt impinge on their consciousness and draw their attention. if you get their attention first, they hear and understand just fine.

my oldest (many autistic traits, not dx and probably not enough traits for diagnosis) does what your son does. you have his attention, he hears you, but the words get lost in translation between your mouth and his actions.

i tend to think its a processing issue of some kind, for both our kids. whether his brain is picking out only some of the words and/or substituting others in, or maybe his physical actions dont match up with what his brain is telling him to do (his hand shuts the bathroom door when his brain says the shower door). its something being lost in the processing, either in the auditory or physical capacity. the other possibility ive considered for my own son is attention deficit disorder. that is one of the assessments we are having done this fall.

i have two things to try once my son comes back next week from his summer visit with his biological father.
1) the detailed action plan for an instruction. this will either help him by laying out every step, or confuse him by giving him too much to remember.
2) simply saying "repeat" after i give him a simple one line instruction. this is to prompt him to repeat back to me the instruction i just gave him. this should force him to immediately process the instruction and verbalize it for reinforcement.

i am hoping that trying both of these will give me an idea of where the information is getting lost. i may have a hearing test done on him just to be absolutely sure that isnt contributing, but he doesnt have any other issues with hearing so i dont think thats it.

i will let you know if i come across anything that works or figure out the root cause =) please do the same for me!

Hi, azurecrayon. Yes, I remember replying to that thread. That is one part I left out of this one (forgot). Yes, I have to repeat the command, question multiple times before he is even aware I am talking to him - even if I am standing right next to him. Just getting his attention is literally a process.

You can imagine the hell my son has been going through in school (and home, I am ashamed to admit) all these years with us thinking he is just non-compliant.

I am totally new to all this - well, the understanding of it anyway, and looking for info and ideas where to start. The docs/school can only give general information and refer me to books/groups.

I have always said that this is not about making him 'normal' but making him happy and functional. Therefore this is something I need to work on with him. It is possible, (maybe?) that once I learn how to communicate effectively with him that I can teach him to process commands/instruction/information more efficiently. What do you think? Is it possible to retrain his processing of commands? I think maybe after a few years it might be. Maybe, might, kind of sort of...lol. A lot of unknowns.

leejosepho, so much wonderful advice! Thank you so much. Everything you said makes sense. Yes, they should be called butt wipes as they are not used to wipe diapers. Very practical advice and great job explaing. Priceless information.

Check out auditory processing disorder. It seems my whole childhood I had to say Huh? to everything and have it repeated back. To me it seems like your kid just is filling in the gaps instead of asking for you to repeat yourself, and that is why things are going badly.

I also had problems with finding things. If someone wants me to do something, they have to SHOW ME or WRITE IT DOWN. I need specifics. But being older general things around the house, I can usually make sense of what my family means now.

It sounds like auditory processing issues to me. My son also has dyspraxia-which the therapists at school described as when his brain gets a command, it just takes him longer to put the command to action. I think it will be really helpful if you give him instructions in very simple, broken down, and specific commands. Also, I know it is hard since you thought your son was just being noncompliant. But now that you know, it will take more patience in getting him to follow through with instructions. You may have to repeat things or if it is something new, it would be helpful to physically show him what you are asking. My son is only 5, but we have had these issues since he was 18 mos old. At his special needs pre-k. they used visual prompts also to help my son understand what was being asked. He really does not need those as much now. Also, the other thing I do, is if I have told my son something, then I will ask him to repeat back what I have said. Sometimes, he has difficulty with it, but the more we work on this, he is improving.

The bottom line is, that since you now have a diagnosis and you know what is going on, you can now start implementing ideas like this to help your son be happier. It will take more patience on your part, but that is what he is going to need.

Good luck!

I don't really know what it's about. It could be one of the above, two of the above, or all of the above.

Of course you could just ask him in a non-threatening way.

Jat and Lee got most of this concern answered between the two of them I think.

I'm 34 and still sometimes have trouble following instructions.. instructions that other people seem to have no trouble with, yet that I (and my quirky brain) see holes or incompletes in. I'm often uncomfortable asking for the missing information (since the usual response is a repetition of the same [to me] swiss-cheese instruction). I am then unable to proceeed confidently. And I'd rather avoid doing anything than try, and wind up getting it wrong.

You're probably going to have trouble getting him to do his homework [or even to admit having homework] for the same reasons.

Details (left side of the kitchen! Aha! The countertop! I'm doing good so far!) are brilliant.. we know we are following the right path to success and not second guessing our actions...

Go down to Kent street and take a left. How far down Kent? Is it a sharp left? Might I miss the turn? What does the corner look like? What's the best way to get to Kent in the first place? Shutdown & I'm not going out after all.

Think of the ant in the movie "A Bug's Life" who can't go anywhere because a leaf falls over the 'ant pheromone path' and he lost his way... Omg a leaf! What do I do now? Do I climb over the leaf? Do I try and move it? Do I go around?

I've learned to tromp over the leaf. And I can now find multiple ways to get to the pet store, because I have research resources available, and pets depending on me for feed...

He's still young enough that he's unable to fill the gaps. And from the sounds of it, he may be trying to search his memory for where the diapers are while you say the word wipe (and totally miss that you were still talking).

My addition to the topic in the way of advice [since the above is just supplemental 'what's in my head' monologue to back up the words of others posters] is that you find some sort of signal or shoulder touch that signals to your son when you are beginning to tell him instruction and when you have ended the instruction phrase / block of data. (ie: "Wait until I take my hand off your shoulder before you start moving, please".)

And like one of the other posters said - try having him repeat it and see if he got all the data. Then ask him if he's secure or knows the way to get to where you asked him to go ("Do you know where the diaper wipes are located?") and why you need them ("Janie's bum is dirty and needs to be wiped with wipes before we put on a diaper").

ps -

The coffee pot might not be in the same place right now (he can't see it at the moment so doesn't know. Things have a nasty habit of moving).
Also. It's the button on the machine, not a button on the pot. Maybe he can't find a button on the actual pot so he gives up.

Bottles are red and have perfume in them. Or are brown and have beer in them. But most importantly they are always glass (at least when I hear the word bottle, they are).
He might not realize the word applies to clear plastic things containing water too. Sometimes an idea is so fixed in the mind that it doesn't have open interpretations.

This is how we tend to think... everything is literal, everything is unpredictable, every definition is set in stone until we encounter (through a qualified world - interpreter) a reason or explination or event that changes the definition.

Thank goodness a kitchen is always going to be a kitchen. I think.

(I am exaggerating a litle bit, but not as much as it might seem)

Thanks for more great replys. Really, when I hear people with ASD explain this stuff to me, I feel very dumb. Like DUH. I am the one that doesn't have control of the English language, I am the one who is unable to properly express myself with words. Seriously. I cut so much out of every sentence. That's the culture in my area (Chicago) - hurry hurry hurry, rush rush rush. Be productive, do it fast. Thanks again, it is all clicking for me now.