the things we don't know

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I noticed my son was washing his hands without being reminded on our vacation. Turns out he likes bar soap much better than liquid. I'd bought him the foamy kind hoping it would encourage him to wash, but never thought to try bar.

He also actually got up and went to the bathroom in the night/early morning, something he never does at home. I thought he was just sleeping too heavily to get up, but the real problem seems to be fear. Not sure how to address this - maybe a very strong nightlight in the bathroom.

I'm always discovering new things about him.

Seemingly out of nowhere, my son just told me a whole list of things in the house that scare him. Luckily it was mostly stuff pretty easy to deal with.

I'm so proud of him for verbalizing it all. I know all too well that even when you can talk, sometimes you just... can't. Or don't.

That is so wonderful, Willaful. I know what a victory it is to have your child tell you little things like that. We should have a 'victory forum' on here to celebrate the little (big to us) challenges our children overcome.

We have overcome so many big little things the past few months and every single one is a step closer to fixing problems. Congratulations to your little man for verbalizing!

Congratulations to your son for telling you!

As we discover how many things bother our kids that we would never, never think of, is it any wonder that non-verbal kids end up retreating from the world? It must be so scary for them, and they have no way of telling. I think those parents could learn so much from what our kids tell us.

It certainly does feel good to know what's wrong and actually be able to do something. So many times I'm in the dark, or it's just not something than can be solved.

The sad thing is he's embarrassed and ashamed of being afraid of things other kids his age aren't scared of. So he doesn't feel triumphant, even though I praised him for telling me. I explained it to him as being caused by anxiety and I think he feels better just having something to blame: "My stupid anxiety." It's better than calling himself stupid. :-\

As a young girl, our AS daughter had periods when she was devastated by anxiety, scared of everything. We found that challenging her to walk across a stream on a fallen log or climb on a jetty that was made of immense blocks of stone showed her she could overcome her fears. She was able to use it to suppress the anxiety in her life for weeks or months. She took up English horse jumping and skiing to help keep her fears under control, too.

An older fellow told me that he had terrible anxiety and fears as a kid. He'd have dreams where he'd see horrible creatures and would be afraid they were going to get him when he was awake. He liked to draw and when he got up one morning and put the lurking monster on paper, it no longer scared him. He had learned to deal with his problem and went on to become a cartoonist and illustrator.

Was he AS? Never said and I wonder how many Aspies could overcome their fears that way or by scaring the bejabers out of themselves, but I do know lots of NTs who have to get that adrenalin rush to validate themselves. Maybe it's similar.

It's interesting that these encouraging things came to light after a change of location/routine.

My daughter has these fears too. The therapist recommended putting the fears on paper or have some sort of totem representing the fears and put them in a box (or jar or something that can be contained). Allow them to seal the box, even if it takes a whole roll of duct tape . This is a symbolic way of getting rid of the fears-or containing them. It can also be used for obsessive thoughts. Sometimes it helps, especially with younger kids.

I remember when my daughter was young she would refuse to wash her hands after going to the toilet. It led to all sorts of tantrums. Turned out she was scared of the way the water went down the plug hole. I eventually found out it created a little vortex in the middle that she thought was a crocodile's eye looking at her from inside the sink. Who says aspies struggle with imagination?

Might be that, or it might be the soap success (me noticing it and doing something about it -- I even brought home some of that soap with me, 'causing all sorts of weird problems in airport security ) encouraged him to believe that we would change things for him if we could.

Hi willaful. I wanted to say a bit more before, but couldn't quite 'reach' what was going through my mind.

The way I read it, on vacation your son did some things easily that he doesn't usually do so easily. So by the change of location he automatically did something which was previously inhibited. And by doing it, and by your responses as well, he may have suddenly 'realised' that there were things at home which were scaring and inhibiting him. And once he realised, then he was able to tell you about them. (It's so great that he did that and that he had someone he could trust to tell. I like knowing there are good people. )

I know we have a 'thing' where we can be completely oblivious, and then, rather than just getting an inkling and thinking it through, the information arrives all sorted and understood. (It can happen that way with with learning too, which is why I call it a 'thing', because it can spook other people - they think you were lying and knew something all along. Sorry if that doesn't make sense.)

I don't think I've got any advice. You named the thread well - the things we don't know - it is so true. Realisations arrive, like in cartoons where you stand on a shovel and it whacks you in the head, and it is a strange feeling "How could I have not known that? Why didn't I realise?", because you can see all the times you did things in a certain way, because of not knowing. So if your son is embarrassed and ashamed it could feel very big, because there is a little bit of that for each of the times. It is quite difficult to lump it all together.

Perhaps, because of the detail of memory, each occasion has to be mentally touched and ticked off as now being explained, and in the process there is a bit of re-experiencing.

Oh dear, I'm not explaining well. If all the occasions of being scared were in a bag, it ought to be possible to say "All of those are now explained, I can throw the bag away, and accept it." But instead, it is as if each item in the bag has to be taken out and looked at, and thrown away individually - and so a little bit of shame for being scared is there for each item, so it seems like a lot.

These sudden realisations and the aftermath have plagued me my whole life. It's what I think of now as the mindblindness. The brain can be such a black box at times!

So you could tell your son that his brain is sorting itself out, and learning to think differently about something he now knows, and that the embarrassment/shame pops up because his brain wants to let go of it, so he can try to let it float away. (The Buddhists talk about mindfulness which I think is allowing thoughts to pass through without attaching to them as if they are now.) He's young, so that might not be easy, but it might help a bit.


So good.
You can tell him that he can talk to you about things he does not understand, and you will always try to, even if he needs to say it a few different ways to try to explain. Tell him you might not always get it first time, but that is ok too. I suspect that lots of reassurance about things we are allowed to do is something that many people on the spectrum need, because we do have a tendency to make up strict rules for ourselves, based on what could be limited insights.

Strangely enough, the idea of not having transferable skills is the opposite here - a little rule based on misunderstanding one situation can easily get transferred to many others.

I really hope all that doesn't seem like gobbledygook.

I LOVE the idea of a Victory Journal. It helps put things in perspective and allows us to focus on the little steps of progress - that all add up to big steps eventually!

Thanks for the thoughtful post, ladyrain. You've given me a lot to think about.