Strategy for inconsistency and upheaval

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DS had a meltdown yesterday, after several weeks of being fine (this is typical, and frankly it wasn't too bad of one - I'm not worried about that meltdown in particular) After the meltdown, which was clearly NOT about wanting to look at a catalog instead of doing his reading homework, I talked to him quietly. I recognized that this one had been building over the weekend, and wanted to know if he had any idea what things upset him.

Of course, he had no real idea, but in backtracking over the weekend together, I recognized that we were off-schedule for most of it, due to several things coming together at once (day off school Thursday, September 11 observance, a previously scheduled picnic, and having to drive DH to work on Monday) We did lay some groundwork: each evening, knowing that things would be different from his routine, we carefully went over all the changes and made sure he understood - and he was ready and willing to take on the differences with no problem. Where I noticed we started to have an issue was in between: for instance, crabbing about what breakfast he got, less ability than usual to sit still at breakfast, more asking for things he knows he can't have or needs to earn and more anger when those things are refused. This kept building over the weekend until we had the minor explosion over homework...and now he's back to himself.

While I probably could have come up with ways to accommodate my son's regular schedule this weekend, there are times when stuff happens that can't be avoided - frankly, our school district is the worst offender, but we can't send him to school when it isn't in session! Obviously, going over the changes with him isn't sufficient for him to maintain his equilibrium: I was wondering if parents here have any other strategies to reduce the stress of routine disruption.

We stuggle wih this too. I have no answer but am looking forward to read what others have to say.

We have been experiencing the same thing. The stressors that are out of my control are similar, school routine different from summer and DH has been working out of town. I guess even though we try to talk to them and prepare them for the differences, it doesn't prevent it from affecting them. Maybe more indulgence in the things that make them feel good that are acceptable would help counterbalance some of the stress and frustration when variations in routine cannot be avoided. I think I will try just giving DS more time playing on the swingset or at the park as swinging, climbing and spinning all seem to be activities that he enjoys and that calm him down.

Yup, we experience this too. Talking about the changes to the routine as far in advance as possible, and giving extra time to decompress during times when things are off kilter is about all you can do. I actually think it is a good thing that there are semi-regular disturbances to the schedule, this is how real life works, so I think it is a good thing to have some flexibility required of you even if it is difficult. That being said, we do try to keep things consistent and routine the majority of the time around here, because that is how we all like it.

I agree with this as well - and my husband's job, which we can't do without, is inherently unpredictable to some degree.

I was thinking, while we do spend time talking about what will happen, we don't actually tell him what we expect him to do with that information - it never occurred to us, because he does just fine following our directions. I think maybe it's a delay in processing that this is upsetting - so, maybe if we explained what exactly we will be expecting him to do (we will be getting up early, we will need you to wake up and put your clothes on and get into the car) and talk about how he might feel about it (you might feel sleepy waking up early, it might feel uncomfortable and maybe make you feel like something is wrong even later in the day because things are different from what you're used to.)

What do you all think?

Wow - Momsparky, what you wrote just gave me a moment of clarity. My DS doesn't think he minds change. However, he will usually meltdown close to a when a change occurred. Even one that he likes or requested. I could never figure out how to handle, but when you wrote the above, it was like, that's what is happening - exactly and I could never put it into words. He has never been one to resist change - he just happens to freak out afterward.

This is good!

Concurrently, we're finding that my husband also fits the profile - he also had trouble at the same time as my son. We were talking about it, and he told me that the problem is that he doesn't notice that things are bothering him until it hits him all at once.

The problem is that it's a little bit like describing colors to someone who's been blind all their life - I have no idea where to begin.

I think you just hit the nail on the head.

I don't think your doing anything wrong. Change is inherently stressful, even if it is properly explained and understood. And since your child is young, and not used to dealing with stress, then having meltdowns isn't entirely unexpected. Having a minor meltdown over homework, which can be resolved by taking a break to relax, and then talking about it afterward seems like a good thing to me. I would rather have that then just let the stress build up and wind up with a major meltdown while at school.

Your child is still very young, expecting him to be completely meltdown free isn't entirely reasonable. Just accept that there will probably be a meltdown every now and then until your child learns to better understand and handle his stress and his emotions. As your child grows up and matures, they will probably occur less often, but that takes a lot of time. It is just part of life, and accepting that there will be some bumps along the way does help you to not get too upset when they occur.

Thank you, Tracker - and you're right, (though I have to admit, fewer meltdowns would be nice, though he's doing much better this year) and this certainly wasn't a major meltdown...but I'm thinking of the times when a similar situation did cause a major meltdown involving somebody getting injured.

Routine disruption seems to be the trigger point for those, and we just can't avoid routine disruption all the time. Just wondering if there's a strategy to lessen the effect...

I agree with annotated_alice, I think you answered your own question eloquently and I will also be trying to put your idea in to practice. We do the SAME thing at our house, we tell him what is going to be different but we haven't been telling him how that will alter how he should act or how it might make him feel. For me, I think its another case of forgetting that DS doesn't pick up on the implied parts of conversations - got to remember that!