Power struggles

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I am getting fed up with the constant power struggles and arguing I am dealing with from my 8 yr old daughter. She will argue and fight over anything that doesn't go along with how she thinks things should be. I don't have problems out of her every day, but here lately it's getting a little worse. From previous experience with her corporal punishment accomplishes absolutely nothing - she doesn't have the same fear based responses as other NT kids do. She doesn't give her teachers any trouble at all, so now I wonder does she bottle it up and let it out at home, or is it because home is not as strict and structured as school is? I hate the thought of having some strict routine at home because home should be where you let your hair down and relax. I hate schedules. But I guess I need to crack down and run a tighter shift around here and see if it helps.

B has ideas about how she thinks things "should be" or are "supposed to be" and when things don't go how she wants them to she will argue and fight or meltdown. She can be very rigid in her thinking. I know that having control makes her feel comfortable, but I can't give in to her every whim and she cannot compromise a lot of the time so I find myself drawing a blank. Hence the power struggle issues - I don't want to give in and she doesn't want to compromise. People at work don't get it, they just say to whoop her butt or send her to her room... they don't understand that it accomplishes nothing with her. Sure, their kids will be scared straight after a whooping or be apologetic after a time out - mine just launches into a raging meltdown.

If she would just listen and do as she was told our lives would be so easy! But like that is ever going to happen. I'm tired of fighting. And I sit here and think that as she grows older this could get worse - then what am I going to do?

Thanks for the rant.

Sounds like you have yet to grasp the total concept of a meltdown.

You have some of it - corporal punishment is useless. and they are about how things are suppossed to be.

But what you might not get yet is that she's not TRYING to cause an arguement. And in fact in her mind she is not responsable for the arguements you guys have - you are. She doesn't yet have the ability / experience to realize that you don't want to argue.

Hell, I didn't know my dad wasn't the cause of all our arguements over the years either. I just figured it out this year when I came across this website!

First thing to realize: She isn't trying to argue: She's experiencing fight or flight responses when she melts down, and is likely projecting anger/hostility with her body language unintentionally. Which of course subconciously raises YOU to an anger state. Look at her closely the next time there is a meltdown. See the tears?
- She's feeling cornered.
- Her sense of right and wrong, of stability, of sanity! is being put on the line.
- She's rigourously defending a logic world that is (to her) under attack - and if it breaks, she's going to spiral into oblivion!
- (I'm not exaggerating either. That's the emotion inside her, even at Eight)

What you need to do, as the adult, is gain control over the situation. You need to 'dial it down' by disengageing from the arguement. Move yourself to a couch or chair nearby. Or leave the room and go get a folding chair (or two) and bring it back. Sit down on one. Invite her to sit in the other. Ask her if she wants to talk like adults about
- What her wants / specific needs are at the moment (Let her talk it out. don't contradict her. Yet.)
- Why they are so important (Let her talk it out. don't contradict her. Yet.)
- Explain to her that you see things differently. Ask her if she wants to know why you do.
- NOW tell her your opinion. It's your turn.

As the adult you'll have to make these sacrifices and listen to her reasons. Some might surprise you in their logic or complexity.

Following these steps should help IMMENSELY, Especially the 'move to another location & SIT' part.

PS -
a meltdown is

NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT

a power struggle.

Just in case that wasn't clear above.

You must take a step back, reread this sentence and laugh. Every parent on the planet has thought this at one time or another. Parenting is not easy, nor does it get easier as they grow. You already know this since you've been at it for 8 years .

Next, you should realize that you already know the solution to your problem since you clearly pointed it out. The structured school environment is comforting to her and it shows in her good behavior. You may not want to be scheduled at home, but it really is a much better option than the tug of war you are both suffering through now.

My kid is a mess without predictability in his day. Sometimes it just isn't possible at home, but it's our job to make our kids needs our priority. Predictability often falls under the "needs" category of a child with special needs. Good luck!

Sorry for the late reply. Thank you for your advice. We had had a particularly bad morning the day before I wrote that and I was ranting. I have had time to sit back and think and I realize that my own rigid thinking does not help anything. We are so much alike and at times that is good, other times it's like we become two hard headed bulls colliding. She has her thoughts on how things are "supposed to be" and I, of course, have my own. Sometimes when I look back on our fights I see that I could have just done something different and the outcome would have been much better, but at the time I just wanted things to go a certain way and my way wasn't her way so she burrs up and gets mad and then I get mad and then neither one of us wants to "give in" and so the "power struggle" begins which in hindsight is her launching into a meltdown and me going right along with her down that spiral... I am supposed to be the adult here! *sigh*

One of these days I'll get this all right, or somewhere close, anyhow.

I've been advocating the simple act of sitting down when there is a conflict.

That simple act immediately changes the tone of the persons & discussion to a more relaxed state.
1 - prevents "directional lunges" of voice or body when trying to make a point.
2 - reduces the input and reliance on body language to signal intent or meaning.
3 - reduces the fight or flight response of the body
4 - hampers escalation of voice
5 - Indicates that both parties are willing to converse, elucidate, listen, and respond.

I'll try that. But talking in the moment and many times after the moment is extremely hard with her. She will just cover her ears and refuse to listen. I don't know if this is more of her rigid thinking or her simply not wanting to acknowledge any wrong doing that may have been on her part (perfectionism?). I will even start out by apologizing and admitting MY wrongdoing in the situation before leading into a talk about the incident but she will refuse to even listen to that. It is so frustrating.

Avoiding, or covering the ears, can be an indication
1 - that she has auditory sensitivity, and your voice is too close or too loud.
2 - that she is too "worked up" at the moment to process verbal input as anything more than noise.
3 - that she fears you are going to continue "insulting her logical order of things"
4 - that she's still trying to process the last thing you said, and you are going too fast for her.

* or something that I missed thinking of entirely.
Number 3 was the big one for me with my father. And with bosses. In retrospect, my father was more guilty of insisting I was [insert demeaning insult listing] than anything else.

- Don't give too much when appologizing. *
- Suggest that you are willing to admit some fault.
(if she's a true/false binary aspie, you admitting fault will relieve her of all responsability - bad)
- Most importantly, don't do much of the talking:
Prompt her to explain what went wrong... "when you are ready Pumpkin..." ^

* You have to be careful here, or risk the possibility of creating a narcissist
^ Pet names can be calming triggers. Use of a pet name suggests you are not angry.

Number 2 is definitely her if you try to talk to her "in the moment" & number 3 is what I have thought part of the problem was while trying to talk to her afterwards - even HOURS after or even the next day! I don't know how to talk to her afterwards in respect to number 3. Even if I can manage to get her to talk, she is incredibly rigid/inflexible in her thought process. She sometimes will tell me what her thoughts/feelings were and we'll talk about them and I'll tell her I can see why she would think/feel that, etc But when asked to consider what my thoughts/feelings were she gets mad and cuts off communication. How do you get around that?