Every day is a struggle

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My daughter was recently diagnosed AS and from this we have also discovered her father has AS and to top it all off our 2 sons have alot of the traits as well, we are waiting for testing on them, the kids are all at school ages are 10, 8 and 6, im exhausted every morning just trying to get them all ready for school, im at a loss as to what to do, my daughter just will not get ready at all, the boys are not to bad except for 8 year old and his sock problem, he will take his socks of many times and put them back on due to not liking the feel of the seam on them, i got a good tip tonight to put them on him inside out and will be doing that to see how we go, Its the fighting thats driving me insane, its constant, my daughter hits out at her brothers for the smallest things, maybe for touching the dog or sitting in front of the heater when she wants to be there, i have tried all types of things for punishment, taking things off her, time out in room nothing seems to work, any sugestions will be greatly appreciated. I have tried so hard to get them all into a routine and to stop the fighting but the more i try the more exhausted im getting, when i pick them up from school the fighting starts again...

Give them a schedule, and a time to play with each other, along with a set of rules. Give them a schedule for who is supposed to touch the dog, or be with the dog, and for who should sit in front of the heater, and when. For play time, give them rules, such as if you want this, ask nicely, or if you fight, play time gets removed. That worked for me and my brother.

Takes a lot of extra work to deal with our particular quirks, I suppose. Certainly takes a lot of extra time - even dealing with myself takes more time than i think it ought to sometimes!

The best advice I can give at the moment is this:
Never assume you understand why they do something. Your kids will have a completely unique perspective on every issue that they take to a 'conflict level'.

Ask your daughter why she thinks she is entitled to the heater spot.

Ask her why she thinks she can control the others' interaction with the dog.
- If she says "its my dog" don't contradict her, but ask her to explain why she thinks that. Go from there.
- If she says "because they don't do it right" ask her "don't you think the dog would show them it was wrong if it was?".

If inside out doesn't work, take the sock son to the store some day and try every brand until he finds one he likes.

* Note: Once an Aspie has a belief established, it is tough for them to accept it is incorrect. A direct 'you're wrong' will often precipitate conflict, and a longer delay than the 'ask questions & make them think' approach.

As for hitting - if they are actually hitting each other, this is behaviour that cannot continue if they are to live in the human world. Whatever you do, don't take the path of letting them get away with it just 'because they're ASD' ... you'll be doing them a disservice.

I have not found any type of sock at all that my son can wear. They don't feel right and sometimes they hurt. Inside out, thick, thin, nylon, cotton, seamless, diabetic, etc...he cannot wear any. So now he does not wear socks and his feet and shoes smell like garbage all the time.

You have to get all the kids into the therapy they require in order to help them feel more at ease, relive anxiety, stress and sensory issues. You also need to learn how to effectively parent them based on their needs. Traditional parenting does not work with exceptional kids. Traditional discipline doesn't work on these kids either. You are beyond your knowledge and need to find outside advice and assistance from professionals.

I am in the same situation, BTW. Just figuring all this out. It is very difficult and stressful.

Thank you everyone! this is helping me very much ...odd fiction i had never thought of just asking her why she does these things have only ever asked her if it makes her feel good to upset her brothers, i realy have had no idea, i have so much to learn ...bjtao i definatly need to do something i just have no idea how to handle all this, once the boys have been tested (i already know what the outcome will be) ill be getting any help that i can that is out there for us. My 8 year old has a fixation with dates and use by dates he will take things out and check them and let me know how long they have left. They have so many things going on and i never stood back and took the time to ask myself why? but looking at it now, just surviving and getting through each day took all my energy... thanks again everyone i am so looking forward to learning all i can so i can help myself to help my beautiful kids...

Hmm. Idea triggered by Momsparky's post:

Have a scheduled 'alone' time in the middle of each afternoon.
Say between five and six (dinnertime?) everyone gets alone time scheduled in their rooms.

Teach the kids that it's to train them to relax from the world each day, and that many people do this in order to regain 'a sense of self" and to 'pursue personal goals and advancement" like reading, or pretending, or playing with stuffed toys, or lining up their figurines, or cleaning up.. or whatever.

Tell them it's to teach them how to schedule their own time effectively - something that they will need to learn for adult life.

At six, they come down for dinner, and then after dinner they go back up and clean any mess their pursuits left in their rooms.

this teaches them
- a time of peace is normal and good. being alone at times is normal and good.
- to create or pursue self-building inerests.
- to structure their time
- to create ways of play that don't mess (they will want to learn to not have to go back up after dinner)
- Provides a routine "away from activity" time which might eventually translate to "homework time"
*Most importantly, it will give YOU scheduled free time. Because you gave them a logical reason why they need/could use free time / Self time ("I'm doing this for you, kids... it's not a punishment, it's a self-building activity").

** Note: give them time to get used to the idea / present reasons and structure / a good deal of time before the actual implementation.

well.. 'free' as in you arent struggling with fights or worrying what they are doing to each other while you do something likee cook dinner. Sry, theory of mind - I never considered that other people don't find making dinner 'relaxing'.

Maybe have some days (since you'll have more dinner making privacy) make big batches and stick some into the freezer. Leftovers or pre-prepped dinners thawing in the oven could give you a few days a week where you can sit back and read (or whatever activity you enjoy) while dinner re-prepares itself.

I agree with Bjtao. You are trying to treat your children like they are normal children and punish the problems out of them. That doesn't work, and it only causes more problems for everybody involved.

Since you are new to the diagnosis, and confused about all this stuff then I would recommend doing some research into the field and learning more about how your children think, and why they act the way that they do. And then using that knowledge, you will be better able to work with them and fix the problems that you are having.

To that end, I would recommend starting with the recently published book available for download at http://www.ASDStuff.com
Its a free book, and it is a good source of information for people who are new to the diagnosis, and trying to understand how their child operates, and how to deal with the problems they are having. I could answer your question about how to deal with your daughter in this post, but it would wind up being 20 pages long, and it is already very nicely written up in that book.

Beyond that, you may also want to check out some books from your local library, although I would advise caution there. Often times the books available at the local library are written by people with fancy degrees and no common sense. But I would recommend the works of Tony Attwood. He has a good selection of materials to chose from.

I would also recommend browsing this forum and reading some of the other posts to see what information you can glean. And of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Going to also suggest you read some books, Tracker's and Tony Attwood's. You're not going to get anywhere expecting anything to come from punishing your kids for problems that are autistic in origin.

There are seamless socks out there, have you every tried those? It looks like K-mart sells some (online at least)...

The only thing I can add is that your AS daughter may have difficulty getting organized and getting dressed by herself. You may need to help her out, which could reduce some of her anxiety.

Don't worry too much about past mistakes.

Kids are resilient and forgiving and adaptable. Mistakes are made in every household, and the goal is to get it right - or as close as right - as you can, by whenever. You're making the effort to adapt to a totally different project than you planned for, and with very little relevant advice from 'standard sources' - standard books and standard advice from neighbors won't always work out here.. and you've realized that.

That's step 85. Only four million eight hundred and fourteen to go.