Mom of 21-yr old needs help

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Hello,

I am new here.

I have a 21 year old son who has aspergers, although he was never formally diagnosed. When he graduated high school he went to a very small private (expensive) college specializing in digital animation. He was OK for two years. Third year he became depressed and stopped going. He came home and went to see a dr. and got a prescription for celaxa (sp?) and now he says he is better. He says he is not happy but he is not depressed. He is now at the local junior college for a semester and is living with me.

I have been trying to be accepting of my son exactly the way he is, but I am having trouble and would especially welcome advice from people his age. He goes to his three classes a week, but the rest of the time is spent at home on his computer. He spends all his time wallowing in the cesspools of the internet--mainly 4chan if you know about that. He has 2 close friends that practically live at my house. I feed them and do much cleaning up after them.

My son will do things if I ask, but very minimally and only if I ask and it always feels like nagging. He does not do the things he should, like reading or responding to emails related to his college or the bank or anything like that. He barely gets by at school because he does only what he wants.

He likes staying up all night and sleeping all day. He showers every few days and doesn't even brush his teeth every day.

I don't know if he will ever have a job. He lived independently at college but only because I was paying. He was a slob and his apt. was a disaster. He doesn't care if there is dirt and filth and dirty clothes.

I don't want to nag every day to take a shower or put away all the dishes piling up in his room or tell him to go to sleep or return the call to his college because he hasn't filled out whatever form he is supposed to have filled out. His is 21.

I love him and want to accept him as he is, but what does that really mean? I don't think I can live with him like this for the rest of my life, but that is what I see ahead of me. I wouldn't accept these behaviors from his brothers. They would have to sink or swim. But because of his depression, I would never do that to him. He has told me he thinks he was born in the wrong time. I told him lots of people his age think that and we all have deficiencies. but that doesn't mean we can't try and do better.

I feel sad and depressed.

It's possible your son has multiple things going on. To me it sounds like a combination of depression and lack of responsibility.

If he really does have AS, he probably realizes that, being 21, he has to figure out what he really wants to do with his life. Young adulthood can be a very stressful time for most people simply because of this alone, and for people with AS, it can seem like the world is ending because they are faced with such big changes.

I don't see a problem with your son being up all night on the internet, if that's what he wants to do. That is probably his escape and something he needs so as to not lose his mind. I'd stop "nagging" him about his cleaning and hygiene habits. Those should have been instilled in him long ago and since they weren't, leave it. He's going to have to figure that out himself.

As for his friends eating everything and not cleaning up after yourself, put your foot down.

Tell them you can't afford to feed them all the time and they're going to have to eat before they come over from now on. And tell them they're going to have to clean up after themselves as long as they're in your house.

I'd go in for a family counseling session with your son to see if he might be able to give you some insight into how he's feeling about life before deciding how it's best to help him.

Did he ever say what he got depressed about at school?

After I posted this, I just knew that someone would challenge me about my son's asperger's "qualifications." And sure enough, that was the first post.

I came here and found this place because I have no one to talk to that knows anything about aspergers. But here I figured I could find people who understood what I was going through.

The problems I wrote about were on top of the behaviors that go along with aspergers. I didn't even include them as problems. The fact that my son doesn't smile because he can't. He doesn't have conversations with me because he can't. He would never greet me in the morning with a cheery "Good Morning" because he can't. I don't ask him to do more than one thing at a time because he can't and if I do give him something to do, it has to be detailed and specific because otherwise he will not understand what I mean. He would never go to counseling because he would never talk to someone about himself. It was pretty huge that he even went and got himself medication.

Forget it. I don't feel like justifying his behaviors to you. Sorry I asked.

Talk to your sons friends, let them know that you love your son and they are welcome at your house but in no way will you pick up after them like you have to do with your son. With that being said maybe you could try some tough love? you need to be looking after yourself as well, try and write a list of the things that he needs to do on a daily basis and stick it on his computer, 1 shower 2 brush teeth 3 bring dishes from room, i would do no more than that at the moment, but then i would also make it clear that unless he does these things then he should not be expecting any help from you with anything else, If this has no affect stop doing everything for him... you need some time out for yourself ( i need to practice this for myself lol) good luck, and please dont stop visiting here, this place has helped me out greatly. As buryuntime mentioned this place is for Autistic people and their familys, It would be good if when you do write that you try to be as specific as possible take care ...

HereToday, I just want to second what Mahini said. I am a mom to a 7 year old so I can't know what it's like but I do constantly worry about having to care for and do everything for my daughter forever. I think you should focus on getting your son to earn everything above shelter & basic food. If he wants you to take him somewhere he needs to earn it. He needs to have chores that he can do to help you clean up and take care of the place. Start small and work up. If you have to get firm then do it. I disagree with the stance that the internet is his outlet and he should be left alone about it. My daughter was spending too much time watching tv and I took it out of her room. Now I very firmly limit the TV in the den and that has helped her tremendously I feel-not made her feel worse. If pulling the plug on the internet in his room will motivate him to help you and take responsibility more then it may be needed. And if he needs to have a job for a few hours a week to help pay for the internet then that would be beneficial for him learning long term responsibility.

I do understand depression and how debilitating it can be. But you don't want to facilitate his depression-understanding and loving him for who he is is one thing-but that doesn't mean you have to support bad habits or endure disrespectful treatment in your own home.

I also wanted to add that "Who He Is" and "What He Does" are 2 different things. You have to constantly analyze behavior and ask yourself "is this something he can control?". Asperger's does not prevent him from cleaning up or getting a small job. Asperger's does not force him to stay up on the internet all night. These are behaviors that he can control and therefore, should be held to a standard of responsbility at age 21, in my opinion.

Time for him to move out if you or a loving relative can find him work. He has to be forced into adulthood because he's comfortable and feels that life will always be at your home with his friends there. Perhaps he knows no other alternative. Perhaps the threesome can move in together provided they are responsibly chipping in financially. If my older son hadn't joined the military, he'd live off of me for the rest of his life because he thinks that's just the way it is. He hadn't a clue as to what it is like being on his own. Once he got a taste, there's was no stopping him. His depression went away. He felt responsible for himself and finally felt like a man. He's back from Iraq and has gained employment installing burgular alarms. He's became quite good at HVAC work as well. He's getting ready to put a down payment on a small home that needs a LOT of work. Luckily, he can do basic construction jobs. He will not have to return to the military due to an injury he sustained while there. He can't be on active duty but he certainly can work and support himself. On a personal level, he''s still an oddball but can pay a bill on time and is responsible but only for himself. At this point in his life, I couldn't imagine him married with a child. He still has a lot of growing up to do on that level. The problem with aspies is this. Many of them don't even realize that they MUST leave the nest. They have to be programmed for this from when they are small. I'm not going to make the same mistake with my eleven year old. We are planning together the steps in his life on the way to his maturity and self-care. I never did that with my older one. I thought he would figure this out himself. When he didn't, I had to excelerate his understanding of independence. The little guy is already on the launching pad. I honestly didn't know any better with the older one. I thought that when a kid grew up physically, so did his mind. The U.S. Marine Corps matured his mind. He volunteered on his own. I wouldn't recommend this for everybody but job/work will at least give your son a start. Some kids just "wallow" and flounder in college. This can be very hard on mom. Either poop or get off of the pot! Pick a field and study and complete it in the required amount of time! My older son would enroll and drop out of 10,000 courses of study if I had the money for him to do so. The marines did something for him I couldn't do. I guess they gave him a good dose of reality and a boot kick up his bottom. He really "changed".

HereToday, I want to offer some support. Your feelings are VALID, and very typical of other parents on this forum.

Unfortunately, the first person to post is also very typical of this forum. It hurts to receive those kinds of posts when you are looking for support and advice from those on the spectrum. I've received many of them, so I kind of hesitate when I ask for help, and I steel myself for the kind of answers that I might get that will sound hurtful. Either that, or I put a disclaimer right at the beginning of the post that says something like "I'm not looking for responses from anyone who feels the need to be negative or accusatory -- so if your suggestions fall into that category, don't respond". That seems to help sometimes.

I wish I had some good advice for you at this time. I think others have pretty much given what is helpful advice. I'm wondering if there is something like an Asperger's Life Coach -- and the reason why I'm wondering that is because I've recently contacted a woman locally who runs social skills groups with teenagers and young adults on the spectrum, and she is a therapist who I think would have the type of background and experience where she may be able to advise you as to what are appropriate expectations for people who are on the spectrum AND have depression.

If I were in your situation, I would have a very hard time trying to figure out how much to push. Not having had a lot of experience with depression, it would be of concern to me to push too hard. At the same time, it really works for your son to be able to play the depression card -- in that, if you avoid taking action because of a fear of pushing too hard, he then gets to stay up all night on the internet, not help out around the house, and not keep up with his college responsibilities. We would all like to do that -- forget our responsibilities. But once you hit around the age of 21, one has to start addressing life as an adult. Without you, what would happen to him? I always feel like our job as parents is to prepare our children for life away from us -- so that they can be independent and functioning adults. That's our job. Trouble is, we usually haven't raised a semi-adult who is on the spectrum, so we don't know what's going to influence them into the "independent adult" direction. That's the big question for all of us parents on this forum.

IMO, you should not accept these behaviors and lack of responsibility. He may be depressed, yes, and that should be addressed ASAP. If he feels like a zombie (not sure if that is what he means by 'not happy,not sad') then he is on the wrong medication or dose.

If he is still depressed or not being properly treated, it may contribute to the issues you are having with him.

Aspergers or no Aspergers, he should be taught and expected to perform activities of daily living.

It can be difficult at times to define where a disorder starts and ends. I would venture to say that it ends when you become the maid of your 21 year old son. He may never be the cleanest or most hygenic person in the world, but he needs to be at a point where he is clean and hygenic enough to live in your household. You are doing him a great dis-service by allowing him to continue this way and I believe it will have an adverse affect on him in the future.

In summary, I do not believe these are traits of his Aspergers, but rather of his depression (if still present) or his choice.

I think I'm done posting in the Parenting Forum. I'm tired of scaring people away from here without even meaning to. I don't think I do this in the other parts of the forum. I talk and treat everything relatively equally but I guess that's not how people work, even if people are supposed to be treated equally, because otherwise this wouldn't be happening. So I'm supposed to interact with this forum in a way that does not scare off people, but I don't know how to do that. I would try to explain my posts in this topic but I don't want to make things even worse if I end up saying something wrong again.

No Buryuntime dont stop posting on the parenting site, I've always found your comments and advice succinct and insightful. Seems to me that was just a misunderstanding there, I perfectly understood why you said what you did, and when it was clarified by the op, that made things clearer to all who read it. I hope the op comes back too!

Totaly agree with catbalou, i am only new here and have not had the chance to read many of your posts but isnt this what its all about? different views from different people from different walk of life, lol did that make sense? anyways dont stop coming to the parents discussion