Any advice for my adult child?????

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I have tried my daughters whole life to help her. As a child it one issue after another in school As a teen in a single act she committed a crime that eneded in her arrest and being raised in a mental institution. Thank God it was not jail. After getting out she aced a few college classes, but never made friends there. Then she made a few bad realtionship choics and diapeared. I learned to late, as she is 30 now that I was fighting a battle for my daughters well being against the tide of Asperger's.

I went to therapy during a divorce and the therapist I chose asked about everything. She concluded by descriptions of my daughter that she is a very bright girl with Asperger's. Last summer my daughter emerged from the a street life. She had just finished a a drug program. She admitted to being a heroin addict

She came home for awhile and worked with a thrapist. The therapist said she also felt the intial problem was Asperger's and now she had a new problem. Drug addiction.

It didn't take but a few weeks and she diapeared again. I just hered from a man who has been trying to help her. He was relutant to say where he lived. He had not her if he could call me. He said she only gave him my number as a emergency contact. The man said he was confused by her behavior. He didn't know anything about her Asperger's. He said he would call me later when he was free to talk.


I anxious and afraid for her. I am wondering if her high tolerance of opiates, and neeed for social connection are what broght her to the state she is in now.
I don't know if this man will call me again.

If anyone has advice and understands how to deal with addiction and Asperger's feel free to post.
hank you in advance for any help.

I'm sorry I have no answer to give you but mother to mother I wanted to give you a virtual hug. My god you must need it. How do you get through the day?

I don't have any answers for you but your daughter sounds a lot like me except I got into alcohol and other drugs, not heroin. I don't know if you will be able to help her. My mother could not help me because I had so much rage against her. I am calmer, but still angry, and e-mail my mother sometimes but intentionally moved thousands of miles away from her. I have come to understand that all the horrible things she did and said to me growing up were because I had undiagnosed asperger's and she couldn't understand me or why I did the things I did. But even understanding that her actions were taken out of ignorance and trying really hard to forgive her and move on with my life I am still so full of anger toward her that I can't interact with her much and would rather go back to being homeless than to live in her house with her.

I don't know what your history with your daughter was like but you might have to accept that some of the things you did to try to help when she was young may have been the wrong things and may have built up resentments in her that she has a hard time getting past. It may just be that you are not the person who can help her. Too much "water under the bridge" might have destroyed enough things between the two of you that she cannot come to you for meaningful help and if she is brought to you in crisis will only stay as long as it takes until she can get away and put distance between you again.

I don't say these things to hurt you. I say these things because I have lived your daughter's life and eventually I got help and my life is on a much better path now but I could never have gotten that help from my mother because our relationship was just too badly damaged by the results of the family living with my undiagnosed asperger's. And it may be that the same things have happened to your family as well.

At any rate, I wish you well.

To MotherKnowsBest.
I do need a virtual hug. My family,although not angry,has given up. I don't feel like autism suport groups speak to me. I am not really in to nar-anon or other suport groups for faamilies of addicts. i joined this forum as there seems to be better chance of meeting people who understand as there is wider selection of people than I would get at a local meeting. Also I do not have to schedule a meeting in.

I keep going because I have a strong family bond. I have two other daughters and a grand daughter ( age 10). The mother of my grand-daughtr lives with someone who has kids (ages 7 and 5). I treat them like they are mine, as they adopted me.

I try not think about my Asperger's child all the time. This phone call is fresh reminder and I can only hope to hear from that man again.

I am new here and hoping to make this a suport home

To Sparoworse. I don't think the damage has been so great that my daughter and I can not work on these issues. Last summer when she was here she shared with me a personal story about how she got involved with drugs. There was also a conversation about her sister, a few yers younger, that centerd around her sisters childhood complaints. She felt her younger sister had exaggerated and that childhood really wa not that bad.

My daughter and I went to the therapist for a co-session. I felt she was more honest at that point in her life than she had ever been before. As a teen she embelished to the point of sounding almost crazy to get attention.

There were also some frank talks about Jesus. I was really inspired.
Right now it is my fear that she may feel like a failure for not staying clean. I hope this won't make her want to hide away forever. I am afrid of not hearing from her.

I am a 31 yo NT female. I have lost many friends to heroin throughout the years. The only survivor ex-heroin addict friend I have will be on methadone for the rest of his life. He is a shell of the man he once was.

Right now, you absolutely do not have to worry about Aspergers. She is a drug addict, a heroin addict. If you want to help her you need to learn about addiction and heroin. The recovery rate for heroin addiction is less thn 5%. There is no addiction more severe or devastating in the world, except maybe meth.

Whether she has Aspergers or not is absolutely meaningless right now, in her present situation. It may have contributed to reasons she started using drugs, but has nothing to do with her becoming an addict or remaining one.

I am sorry to be so blunt. But I think you are concentrating on Aspergers because you don't want to deal with heroin addiction.

To be perfectly clear, this is a life or death situation that your daughter is, so, please concentrate on saving her life instead of Aspergers.

If you are in the US, you should consult a lawyer for advice on what you can do to force her into a rehabilitation facility. This may mean getting a mandatory evaluation, proving she is mentally unable to care for herself (due to mental illness, or a disorder, depending on what the diagnosis is), then you have to go to court to become her guardian so you can make decisions for her (such as rehab). A 30-day rehab facility won't cut it for a heroin addict. She needs to be in long-term treatment.

She must be alive in order to get an Aspergers diagnosis, so you need to keep her alive before you even think about Aspergers. I would venture to guess that she likely has a mental illness as well.

I really hope everything goes OK. I know how hard this is for a family to deal with.

((((((((((((((((((((lostmom65)))))))))))))))))))) I am not feeling I can do much other than provide hugs, at this point. The addiction is so far beyond what I can understand or have tools to deal with, and I do think that is primary.

I do hope you can find support here, but I am going to caution you that our AS members will be very blunt, especially when you say things they disagree with or do not like. There aren't a whole lot of hugs around here, or generalized support; most people with AS are very logic focused and blunt. Just ... if you get what feels to you like a cold comment, don't let it upset you. That isn't what the poster is trying to do, in most cases.

One of your comments, about your daughter embellishing when she was a teen, made me think there is one item to tip you off to, as you start this journey: just because something seems embellished to you, does not mean it is embellished to an AS child. AS kids are not likely to do things for attention, but will make awkward attempts to cross that incomprehensible divide of understanding. As parents of AS kids, we learn to take at face value what our kids tell us, for that is the best clue we get to how they see and experience the world. Life is lived on overdrive for them. Noises may be louder, itches may be deeper, genius may be greater, and burdens far heavier. It is a condition of extremes. That may also make recovery from addiction that much more difficult, so be prepared. But we do have adults here who have been there and back, so we do pray your daughter will find her way as well.

I really don't have any advice either except that maybe if you get to talk to your daughter again, I would just tell her that you love her and want to help her break free of her heroin addiction. You can tell her you are sorry that you did not completely understand the things she was going through as a child, but if she can get free of the heroin addiction, then maybe she can work on the problems that Asperger's has caused her.

Hang in there and Welcome to Wrong Planet!

I realize first she has to be clean first. When I saw her last summer she was in a program and clean for three months.She started with regular visits with a therapist and weekly meetings in a twelve step program. I just am not sure if these programs for addicts are apropriate for someone with Asperger's. My daughter has spennt her life staying away because she felt she had no problem and I was the problem. Last summer she finally acknowledge her diagnosis.

She is an addict and has Asperger's. I am wondering how an adult who spent little time learnig to be social and function in society is going to benifit from an addiction program tht is all about socil support?

I can get her clean. I am even hoping, when she shows up again, to get her neltrexone for the cravings and getting her out of that Asperger's introversion.

Yes the addiction comes first, but I do wish for a herion addict/Asperger's suport group.

Surely God has made her strong. Her problems are more than I could bear and I hope to her from her again.

Hi -

I am in recovery with 24 years clean & sober. I quit when I was 18. You are correct there are different issues for those with AS than the NT population. I am technically NT but I believe that I have similar social skills issues as an AS person would. Here's how I see it......

12 step programs are a series of rules and work to do. An AS person can do this with absolutely no problem. While it may look like the basis is social support - it doesn't have to be as a NT would see it. I think that your daughter just needs some absitinance, so she can get clarity. Then she needs to find a sponsor who "gets" her and then she needs to follow the rules.

In my opinion, she will have an easier time than her NT peers. They have a huge social struuggle, missing thier friends, wanting to hang out, bla blah blah. If she doesn't crave the "scene" that's probably more than 1/2 the battle.

I think the big issue will be getting her to buy in that this is a problem, that you can't do ANY substance or it will trigger the whole addition, and that you need to follow the rules. It's pretty simple. Now NT folks have a tough time with that stuff so they make it hard - but if she can use some of that black/white thinking to her advantage, she really could be OK.

Now, all of that said - I don't know how to help you get her to buy in to the need for abstinance and how to get her there.

BTW - my DH doesn't have my social issues and goes to meetings all the time and loves them. I hate them and went a lot in the begining. Now I don't because I am much more rules based and I do fine with the internal process and working the steps. Most NTs really do need that social support and everyone needs someone to help them with their thinking.

Thank You Kailuamom,

This insight into how an aspberegers might look at meetings and the social issue.

I am guessing that once I am face to face with her she will not be hard to convince that using once is to much. The program she was in before was an intensive program tht uses no methadone or anthing like that. Some psch meds are used for the first couple of weeks. When you leave they want you to be clean. She was very proud of that fact.

Here is the real problem she had. The program reqquires you live in a lage compound where you have a daily routine. This includes meetings, work and later a real job in the surrounding communiyt if you want it. I think the stucture of the porgram were what ews holdoing her togehter. It was already past her three month date in the program and she was free to leave. She asked me to take her home. I wish she would have stayed longer and maybe worked there in the community.

I live in Southern California and the program is in Mexico. My daughter being above average and is quite fluent in the language. The people there love her. I now have to decide do I go there and ask if she will go back in the program?
I have to conrtact them and see if she can come back.


I just got a call from the man where she is staying today. From the way he talked i think he is a chipper. I think he is worried by he behavior. She dosen't know he called.

I have to spend my money to go there. Gas, car insurance, stay overnight. I am a poor college student. I also have to go alone. I don't know anyone with a passport or passport card. I have a card.

If they will take her back where she was before do I just show and say get in the car?

The man was afraid she would run if she knew he called me.

I am prayoing and meditating on this.

Anyone know what to say?

I'm going to offer my sympathies too, but I'm going to insist that the first thing you need to do is learn to spell Asperger's. You can't learn about something if you can't spell it.

Also realize that someone with Asperger's doesn't need to be treated for their lack of social contact with medication. "Making someone social" is NOT a priority, and depending on your daughter, might be the absolutely wrong thing to try and do.

Not trying to pick on you, I'm just trying to correct some mistakes so it's easier to continue here.

That's a really good point. I notice that when I get to spend many days alone, not leaving the house, I don't think about getting high at all. But the more time I have to spend around other people, the more tempted I get to pick up a bottle while I''m out and the more I start thinking about drugs. I just got in from the grocery and I'm very stressed out about this semester and I kept passing liquor displays and came so close to putting some bottles in my cart. Fortunately, I'm thousands of miles away from any drug people I used to know.

Over the summer when I can go for long spells without leaving my house, I don't even think about drugs and alcohol at all and I'm very content and productive. Therapists who don't understand the autism spectrum try to push me out of that comfort zone, saying I'm "self-isolating" and saying that it's a bad thing. But the truth is that when I'm "self-isolating" I don't even *need* the therapist because my depression and anxiety lift and I feel great. It's only when I'm being pushed out into the world of people every day that I struggle to cope and need therapy and think about getting high to block it all out.

Here's the thing.... Call the place that seemed good and talk with them. Sitting on an internet forum may help with perspective, but you need some real options, and we can't give that to you. If it were my kid, I would just show up - but that's my kid. I don't know your kid. I would also want to know if the guy will help you get her there, or help remove her options of staying where she is. That all matters.

Unfortunately people who are not addicts don't get the "can't do any" idea, and I think they are the worst for us to be around. So if he is a "chipper" (occasional user?), it may be tough to realize how life or death this is for your daughter.

Before you do anything or go anywhere you need a plan or two. At that point, it is possible that the folks here may be able to help you frame your discussion so that your daughter may be better able to hear you.

It is wierd the whole social v. isolation thing. Some people (ME!) are so uncomfortable in social situations that it would make drinking/using more likely. For people like me, really small group meetings are OK. If there are like 6 or 7 people, I can manage. I have no need for a group of 100. I have the same problem with church now. I am fine for the service, but the hanging around chatting afterward is just horrid! All of that said, I would make sure that whereever you help her go, they have an understanding of that issue and have the ability to structure her program in a way that will be tolerable.

Good luck!

I think (I could be wrong) that by "chipper" she meant that he has one or more of the embossed poker chips that twelve-step programs tend to award their members to commemorate the amount of time they've been sober.

Recovery programs tend to have special language as part of their community bonding. I've never heard "chipper" but I immediately thought of the sobriety chips. You also might hear someone tell another person "I'm a friend of Bill W." as an in-group way of letting them know they're in alcoholic anonymous. And there are rhyming phrases, like "stinking thinking" or "attitude of gratitude" that people involved in twelve-step groups use to signal community membership. I think the idea is to stimulate feelings of bonding with sober people to replace those feelings of bonding with drunk/high people and to help give people a sense of belonging to a group as a support mechanism to assist in maintaining sobriety.

I've been in the 12 step programs for 24 years and haven't heard the term. However, now that i think of it, I may have heard it for someone who "goes out" frequently, or would also be called a retread. Maybe it's a regional term, that is pretty common. When we go to meetings in other cities and countries, often there are little differences. (that always freaks me out).

At least in my area chipper isn't a common term. That said, I don't go to meetings as often as myhusband (who has 25 years clean and sober and still goes 2 times per week). He has never used that term.

Hi to all of you following this thread.

To OddFiction
I am amazed in all the time I have been earning my BA no professor ever marked me down for spelling Asperger's wrong. Maybe I should hit spell check, but I usually don't unless I am being graded
I also note: theory is not valuble without real clinical insight. Something I get from suportive members.

Perhaps you have herd of classical condtioning. There is also something called negative reinforcemnt.
This is not punishment.Oddly enough, it is a reinforcemnt even if it is named negative. It is taking something negative away ( a reward in itself) which in turn increases a behavior.
It is what keeps many addicts hooked.

Say we have a substance. For our discussion let's call it heroin. When we use it the social awarkness or discomfort goes away. That is to say heroin takes away something negative, dealing directly with a social situations, therfore heroin has just created a reward. Reinforcement always increases a behavior even it is named, oddly enough, negative reinforcement.

This is the social componet for many users. It is simply being around a group and not feeling anything negative.


I think that my daughter just wanted to fit in and so comfortably. She told me she thought in the beginning she could never get hooked
.

Chipper is a term that refers to heroin users who maintain by usin once in awhile. Unlike other subtance abusers chippers can use a little for years without others being aware.

I have heard from the man in Tj that my daughter has been ill. I am waiting on some extra cash so I can travel I hope it comes soon. I am going iat all possible. It would be so wrong not to give her a chance. This time if she goes to a program it wouldonly be her second try. A second chance at life is certainly worth the effort.