My son is starting high school soon

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My son is 14 and starting high school.. He is excited but scared and I have to admit I am nervous for him too.
We are getting an early tour in a couple weeks with our family support/transition worker.

I am trying so hard to help him fit in. Purchased "trendy" new clothing for him, not easy on the single mom budget I have. He hated it all and returned it. He is quite happy in his too big, comfortable clothing. I have to admit, that I have been tossing a few of them that look horrilbe on him without his knowledge.

He also has hygiene issues and could care less if he smells or not or if his hair is clean. He does shower daily on my insistance, but what he does in there is unknow to me. He still smells of body odor and has greasy hair. He did have a cut last week, but I am afraid I am gonna have to insist it become shorter until he learns to care for it. I told him I would by him some dark highlight for back to school and he happy with that. Shorter is going to hopfully be easier for him to maintain.

I have to remind him daily about teeth, deoderant and other basics like that. Its frustrating and I feel like a nag most of the time.. sigh

Kids are gonna pick on him for this unkemp look he has. I have a hard time dealing with it too

One question that I have here is, does HE care about fitting in? He may not care at all.

Although, if he does want to fit in, it needs to be explained that personal hygiene is an issue. If he smells bad then people will probably avoid him.

There is a possibility that he may have sensory issues with body soaps (liquid or solid) or the other possibility is that he doesn't know how to wash himself properly. Perhaps to ask him if he used the soap or shampoo after he has showered? I don't know, this is a difficult thing to figure out properly. Have you talked with him about the hygiene issue (conversation)?

asking him why he does not do something, for example, brush his teeth. The answers may really surprise you and with the new perspective you could suggest a remedy. I relate to your concern.

I hope that you and your son get things figured out, very soon. I know that you want the best, for your son.

Hi babzz,

I have a 14 year old son on the spectrum too and although he's a personal hygiene freak, he wears his hair long because he needs to hide behind it some times.

I could write a book on the issues his hair style alone has created in regards to school. I'm not just talking about his peers either. Teachers included. I'm in awe of this brave young man who is my fascinating son. He attended only the one primary school and started high school last year along with all the same kids from primary school. He has, seemingly, cared so little about fitting in, and still, has managed to gain acceptance from most of his peers...and a handful of teachers...we must forgive the narrow mindedness of most adults in education. The joy of acceptance has only just come about since early this year. He might be more accepted now but he still won't conform to "the norm" and it still doesn't seem to mean a great deal to him.

I agree with this...and you probably know this already...but you'd be surprised with his reasoning behind most of his actions.

The other little bit of advice I have for you is: While you're at his high school, visiting, don't forget to have a really good look around at other students. You'll most likely notice an awful lot of "teenage dirt-bags", so to speak, and take comfort in the knowledge that your son isn't the only one who's not fond of personal hygiene.

I have two other teenage sons, not on the spectrum, and gorgeous as they are, they are your typical "teenage dirt-bags"!

All the best to you both!

I agree with the "find out his reasons first philosophy;" some AS kids have huge sensory issues with cleanliness products and procedures, and some creativity may be required least your efforts to teach hygiene back fire and make things worse.

My son does not have any such issues; he just spaces out once in the tub. At least, that is what he has told us.

So, mean mommy that I am (only half-joking), if he comes out of the tub and isn't minimally clean (a standard which allows for a few days in a row of forgetting), I wash his hair leaning over the tub using the handheld shower myself. Before anyone screams, I have carefully checked that doing so doesn't cause any sensory issues for him; it doesn't. But, of course, he doesn't like it. It has helped him get the message that we consider hygiene to be a serious thing, and that we need him to work much harder on "remembering." We've also put up pictures and signs in the tub from time to time, but we have trouble keeping them up for various reasons.

Deoderant turned out to be a mix of issues with the product and remembering, so my husband worked with my son on finding a product he could live with, and then hand delivering it to him every morning as my son puts his shirt on.

We've told him that as much as we don't think kids should judge him for being different and needing to stim et al, and as much as we'll support his awkward social choices when it comes to clothes and the like, the one thing he does owe the general public around him is to be clean. We've explained that some people have very senstive noses (something he should be able to semi-relate to since he has very sensitive ears), and that some people find it very distracting - and gross - to see other visual signs of poor hygiene. Appeal to your child's sense of logic on it.

Just kind of a side note on the clothing issue, I think it's actually worse for a kid with no sense of fashion to try to dress fashionably than it is for the kid to stay with a simple, classic, non-fashion style. Fashion is one of those things that can be embarassingly wrong, and parents rarely really know the nuances of how the kids are making those judgments. We've been fortunate to be friendly with a popular kid and his family, and have gotten a few notes on things that may not be fashionable, but will slip under the radar well enough. That seems like the best way to go.

All we've got left is to get my son to stop tucking his shirts in ... apparently, that is a social no no with today's kids. My son says it's about comfort, so we're thinking old fashioned T-shirts worn as undershirts might be the suitable compromise.

if you're son cares that little about his hygene, he is going to have alot of problems in high school. i just graduated myself and i cared so much about fitting in that i took daily showers

give him an army haircut....that way his top won't be greasy. My bf doesn't like shampoo too much...mainly due to cost, so he keeps his top bald to the point where it is smooth and shiny.. but the upside is, is that he never has to use shampoo.

our 14- year old is also preparing for high school, with similar problems and difficulties.plus we haven´t still choose what kind of school he would go to; his results so far are very different, depending on a subject ´course, for example, in history, or music he is much ahead considering others in his class, but math, biology, chemistry...don´t even ask. that wouldn´t be the problem if in our country existed a kind of " history or music theory" high school but unfortunately it doesn´t. also, suddenly he developed a desire to go to art school, but honestly, he never showed any interest in drawing, modelling or anything similar. since he has to pass pre-exam and show his skills for that kind of school, i really don´t know what to do. he is persistant, we don´t want to discurrage him...
to take art lessons?plus all the social problems that you describe stay as well. he is convinced that a new environment ( art school in a town 45 km far from us) will solve all his problems.we can only hope he knows better than we do.
love, mamamoo

Make a list: deodorant, bathing, shaving, wash face, all that. If you don't think he is showering "correctly" make a list for that, too. I was rather late with being able to dress myself, shower, and such on my own-- I'm going to guess he is too.

If he can't shower go with sponge/washcloth baths, with actual showers less of the time. Hair can be washed in the sink or under any other running water. I'm a girl, so I'm not sure how well this will work with a guy-- they probably need to do more to be clean.

Everything for me needs to be done in small steps. Even if I shower I do not wash my hair until later, for the next step. This is why lists are helpful. I can understand the clothing thing, too. I did the same thing, and would wear the same clothes over and over that often looked horrible. This is mostly a sensory issue and not wanting change, it took me awhile to find clothes that I felt comfortable in and that look really nice.

High school is tremendously awkward and overwhelming, don't be surprised if he can't handle it.

My son was exactly like this, he couldn't care less about bathing, deodorant etc and will, if left wear his clothes for days and days and sleep in them too, not get a bath or wash/brush his hair. I'd feel like I was nagging, he'd get cross and refuse even more to get washed/changed but now he is improving. It hasn't taken a long time though, around a year maybe a bit more but although I still have to remind him to have a shower or may have to point out that he split food on his top so shouldn't wear it the next day it is no longer a daily battle that just makes us both end up feeling bad.
For my son in general offering incentives and rewards until the behavior is habit works really well. I had major issues with him getting up for school (he just couldn't be bothered and said so) resulting several times in me having to actually dress him (no fun when he's bigger than me) so I started rewarding him with £1 for everyday he could get to school on time and in clean clothes (he could have 50p if he manged one or the other) At first it didn't work very well but once he started managing it and getting the money and was able to buy things he wanted it worked better and now I have no trouble getting him up, often he's up before me and a lot of improvement on the hygiene side of things too. Now he is pretty good with that (with his agreement) he now earns his £1 by keeping his room tidy. He's doing pretty good and because it has to be tidy each day to get his reward it never builds up and gets really messy and overwhelming for him and hopefully will put him into good habits for keeping tidy and ordered.

thanks to you all for the great suggestions
I like the idea of the money for being tidy and will try that along with some notes pinned up in the bathroom

My 13YO Aspie is the same way -- has no interest in trendy/popular fashion, whatever. (Disclaimer: if he's wearing his school uni polo shirt, all buttons MUST be buttoned, regardless the heat and humidity.) Bathing would be an annual event if it were up to him. Fitting in doesn't phase him in the least.

Now, you can try to work on all three fronts and probably have some little success in each area. Or, you can focus on one front and have a lot of success. Sort of a "choose your battles approach".

We focused on the hygiene issues and used checklists because our son lives for routine. We still have to remind him about taking his bath, but it's not a struggle and he does a good job. Smells nice, too.

Counseling and gaining maturity is helping a little with fitting in. Fashion? I doubt we'll ever get there and I'm cool with that.

Good luck!

My son doesn't seem to care much about fitting in, either -- but, he also is somewhat concerned about looking ridiculous. So we have found something he is concerned about, and play on that to a degree.

In high school, there seems to be a trend for most kids to "not shower". I know it's weird, but my now college-aged daughter talked about this all of the time. These were supposedly NT kids, and many of my daughters male friends didn't shower. So I wouldn't be too overly worried about the lack of hygiene. I really like the idea of explaining the "smell" problem for others as a sensitivity, since that is something that a kid on the spectrum could relate to.

My son just began high school this last week as well. We had help from my daughter and her boyfriend on finding clothes that are going to help him fit in but are NOT trendy. We tend to stick to a type of jeans (out here it's American Eagle), but as far as shirts, it's either well-fitting solid color t-shirts, or shirts with band logos that he likes (I get these off of Ebay), and apparently for long-sleeve shirts, plaid shirts are popular. NOTHING too loud or colorful. The long sleeve shirts are paired with a white t-shirt underneath. This allows him to blend in, and not stick out too much. Hair is longer, but not too long. If my son's hair is too short, he looks really young.

The deodorant issue is a problem. I'm never really positive that he uses (I don't have to buy it very often). The other problem is that some young men use this AXE stuff, and that's the OTHER side of the story -- that stuff really smells! Too much of a good thing, I think. My son mentioned wanting some, but I don't think it's a good idea. We get some nice smell from his shampoo, and I think that's enough.

It amazes me how different yet alike these kids can be. Mine began a private highschool setting but he's a clean freak and he has a serious issue with odors. It tends to get crazy here. He is always bathing...as far as other students -he seems to be accepted and liked but he is sarcastic for an Autistic kid. Teachers are making his life hell..he isn't fitting in to their routines.