Letter to the School Superintendant

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I am a parent of a child that attends a ****** Co school. I had an IEP meeting today at his school. The meeting itself went well, and I thought was rather productive. As the meeting came to an end, I made the comment that my first encounter with autism was in HS, I stated the past student's name, and that he was high to moderate functioning (as my son who is also autistic). The principal was walking out of the room as I was saying this, with the door wide open, in the presence of teachers and another staff member, the principal turned around and then proceeded to point and yell at me in an aggressive manner "THAT IS MY NEPHEW, YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT HIM, WE ARE HERE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR SON, NOT ANYONE ELSE'S CHILD." Then left the room to dismiss the school day.
I was only trying to make the point, that the children that grew up with him in school, had an easier time socializing and communicating with him, than the rest of us, who did not meet him until high school. I was unaware of any relation between this principal and this past student I was referring to. My point never got heard.
I feel the principal acted in a very unprofessional manner. I am very upset, and quite embarrassed, that the principal disrespected me in such a way, with my son's teachers and the guidance councilor present. I feel the principal should have pulled me to the side or took me to the office to say that. I feel it was very rude and disrespectful of the principal to behave in that manner. No parent should have to suffer the humiliation I came to endure. If the students are required to maintain certain expectations, so should the faculty and staff, especially for those in positions of stature. These educators are looked at as role models, and the behavior displayed by the principal did not set the appropriate example. I am retaining a certain amount of candor, as not to inflict the same humiliation, that was put forth with me on to any other staff members.
I no longer feel comfortable going out to the school to discuss my child's education. My son is autistic and I feel this is detrimental to his success, because I no longer feel comfortable discussing his education with the principal. By withholding names of the staff present, I am trying to ensure that no retribution should be enacted on my child. In the event of future confrontations all information will be publicly disclosed. I do not hold this travesty against the ****** County school system as a whole, merely as a footnote, of the improvements that can be made within our educational system. Parents, teachers, staff , and students need to retain open lines of communication to ensure a child's success, and I already feel that is not possible in my case. I shall continue to put faith in the teachers and their ability to maintain self control, as I hope in the future, this principal will as well. I feel that it is imperative to bring this to your attention, so that you may continue to provide exceptional services to the students of ******County.
In closing I would like to see principals, teachers, and staff display the appropriate amount of professionalism and composure expected of their positions.

I think you probably shouldn't have used your classmate's name when discussing him. The group didn't need to know that information for you to make your point, and peoples' mental health is quite a personal issue to them and their families.

School principals are human. Given that I have a positive relationship with the school principals at my children's schools, I think if this had been me I would try to use this as a cross-teaching moment, and do the following:

Make an appointment with the principal. Start with a simple statement, "I obviously upset you when I made the reference to X, and I would like to understand better why." If he is reluctant to respond, then you can elaborate on how it made you feel, and that while you are sorry if you intruded on a private matter, you did not do so out of any ill intentions, and were extremely intimidated by his reaction, to the point of feeling it severed your ability to advocate for your child.

If you are uncomfortable making an appointment, you may be able to open the door through email, using the same statement, "I obviously upset you when I made the reference to X, and I would like to understand better why."

Allowing him to share his feelings first will make him more receptive to hearing your side. Once you understand the source of his upset and apologize, odds are good that he will understand your upset and apologize. When the school staff can see that things are good between you and the principal, that you've both worked it out and put the uncomfortable incident behind you, their respect for both of you will increase.

When you send a letter of the type you are suggesting, you will be heard, but your ability to cross the bridge with this person is likely to be closed forever. I always prefer to cross the bridge; it builds me a lot more allies long term. Most of the time it works, occasionally it just makes it worse, but if I don't at least try, I feel I may as well lock myself in my house and give up on interacting with people altogether.

I think DW has great advice. I think you are 100% right when you say his reaction was unprofessional, and it does need to be addressed. But I would start with the steps DW suggested.

I also wanted to note that Austim is not a "mental health" issue and there are no privacy issues for you as an individual using someone else's name. If the school were to divulge any personal information - from an address or birthday to medical info - then THAT is a privacy issue.

Autism is not something people should be made to feel ashamed of, and treating it like a stigmatized illness that needs to hide in the shadows, does just that.

Well, first, his autism was not a big secret, him and his aide talked openly and freely about it. His aide educated us on autism. Him and his aide also told us his triggers, and how he reacts to those triggers.
Quite personally the outburst the principal displayed, I really don't want to even have to show my face at that school. I would rather deal with the asst principal.
The meeting was over, I was not discussing the former student during my son's IEP meeting, I can't help that the principal's nephew was the first person with autism that I met, in fact, he was the only person I have ever known with autism other than my son.
Had he not been the principal's nephew, I don't there would have been such an outburst.
After the outburst, and the teachers scattered, the guidance councilor told me, even they are not allowed to ask about him, that the principal talks freely and openly about grandchildren, nieces, and nephews, with the exception of him.
I'm not sorry for mentioning his name, quite honestly I'm not sorry for offending the principal, if the principal is that touchy just by bring up his name, then the principal is the one that has the problem.
In the state I live in, the principals actions are considered assault, or harassment (depending on the judge), and it's also considered an intimidating action, which the school board does not and will not stand for.

I wasn't trying to suggest you weren't right. Just, well ... everyone has their touch point, and this nephew seems to be one for your principal. People do not act rationally when their touch points get hit, and that irrationality has absolutely nothing to do with you and everything to do with him and his touch point. Sometimes when you give a person an opening to talk about their reactions, they also are forced to look at why an issue has become such a touch point with them, and what they should do about it. Thus, the opening question I suggested. By turning this into more of a confrontation than it already has been, an opportunity for reconciliation will be missed. Is it your job to give that opportunity? No, you aren't required to. Is it the better path? Yes, I really believe so. This whole thing had nothing at all to do with you, as your second post makes much more clear, and everything to do with the principal's relationship to his own nephew. I don't think the man was trying to scare you off or intimidate you; he was reacting to a touch point, and the superintendent is likely to see that and give him some leeway because of it. That is what people do when they recognize something as being particularly sensitive for someone else.

As a school principal dealing with autistic students he really should deal with his unresolved feelings about his nephew. This situation can be used to help trigger that process, or used to force him to bury it all deeper. If he gets censored, the more likely result is the later.

I normally don't post things like this - but I can totally see by your post why the principal reacted that way to you.

You posted the school name and county name. Apparently you posted the person's name that you knew from HS but went and changed it. I don't think you posted all this because it was relevant. You are obviously trying to start problems.

You have no idea what the principal's nephew's autism may have done to his family. Just because the kids seemed high functioning in high school does not mean his parents and family didn't go through sheer hell raising him, and possibly bankrupt several times over - just to get him to the point that he seemed high functioning. This is just one possible scenario as to why it is a touchy subject.

Adora, I will amend my interpretation to include a different posible scenario.

Here is my question: outside of this one situation, and the apparent touch point of the nephew, is this school principal generally perceived as abusive or bullying? That does make a difference. If the nephew is pretty much the only thing that can make the man react that way, then all my suggestions above apply in full force. If that sort of behavior is not uncommon for the man, and can be triggered by a whole variety of topics, well, then, we have a different story, don't we?