Difficult Social Situation for son & friend

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In grade 3 my son E became best friends with a boy we'll call Ben (obviously not his real name). E had never had a "best friend" before. He had hung out on the periphery of several "best friend" couples, tolerated but a bit of a 3rd wheel, so he was thrilled to have his own best friend, and he and Ben were together all day long at school and we set up playdates etc outside of school for them too. Ben had also never had a best friend and was equally as thrilled, as a matter of fact Ben had never had any friends at all and was not well liked by the other kids, having his own developmental and social issues (although not dxed ASD as far as we know...but I am thinking maybe he could/should be). So it seemed like a good match for a time.

However towards the end of grade 3 and throughout grade 4 the friendship became a very difficult one for E. The simple fact is that neither E nor Ben had enough social skills to "bridge the gap". There were constant misunderstandings and hurt feelings, which caused both of them a great deal of stress. E also started to make some other friends. There were a group of boys very interested in Lego and gaming that were making overtures of friendship towards my son, but none of them liked Ben at all. Poor Ben has an absolute talent for saying and doing the wrong thing at the wrong time, plus he has a peculiarly feminine way about him (like an old mother hen) that you can see the other boys cringe and bristle at. E got in numerous fights sticking up for Ben. I was proud of him for standing by his friend, but the stress on E was enormous. He barely has the social wherewithal to get himself through the day, let alone trying to take care of and advocate for someone else. It got to the point where he was just sick with stress, and felt like he wasn't allowed to be friends with anyone but Ben. Even though he enjoyed the company of these other boys who are into the same things as he is more than he actually enjoyed hanging out with Ben, he was refusing to hang out with them because he just couldn't handle trying to be Ben's social interpretor and protector, and didn't want to take the other option which was abandoning his "best friend".

Near the end of grade 4, E had his worst day at school ever where he was accused of making fun of another special needs kid when it had actually been someone else, but was unable to advocate for himself effectively, blew up and had a colossal meltdown. During the ugly debacle, Ben had sided with the girl who had misheard and accused E. It was the thing that finally broke the relationship for E. He is completely done with Ben. I have talked to him about forgiveness, and at least being friendly to Ben even if he doesn't want to be his best friend anymore (which I think is for the best anyway), but although he isn't angry with Ben anymore, he is very black & white and now that Ben is not his best friend it is as if he doesn't exist anymore in E's eyes. E walks by him in the hall without noticing him, and doesn't even think to say hello.

So yesterday I volunteered for a class field trip. E had a great day hanging out with his new good friend Brian. Brian has excellent social skills, and is one of the brightest kids I have ever seen. He is also completely obsessed with gaming and particularly Nintendo, which is my son's special interest right now. Brian is an interesting, fairly charismatic kid, and I watched as the other boys in the class vied for his attention. We have had Brian over to our house several times and have known him for many years now, but it never occurred to me he was popular. Since when are the geeky kids the social leaders? My how the world has changed since I was a kid! So E was right in the thick of things. He and Brian sat down together at lunch time, and all the other boys gathered around them. E wasn't ignored or jockeying for position, but simply accepted. I have never seen him so relaxed around other children. And it wasn't as if he wasn't acting like himself, he was gruff and grumpy at times, covered his ears when things were loud and jumped a mile when another boy accidentally touched him, but the other boys seemed to be taking this in stride, and just accepting him. How wonderful, eh?

But (and I am sorry, I seem to have written a novel here) Ben was alone all day. He walked alone, ate lunch alone and had no partner for the activities. At lunch he sat just off to the side of the other boys, and kept glancing over at them with eyes that made my heart ache. I know what it feels like to be that kid, and it is the worst feeling ever. The only time I saw other kids interact with him all day was to criticize something he had done or said. What a long miserable day it must have been for him, and I have a feeling that every day is just the same. There was one point when E walked near to Ben, and Ben looked up so hopefully, but E didn't notice him. It made me want to cry.

I feel profoundly sorry for Ben, but I don't know what to do about it. The truth is that him and E did not make a good pair, neither of them had enough social skills to meet the other where he was at. I feel like I should encourage E to try to bring Ben into the group of boys, but E just does not have the social skills to do this, and then we are back to him being stressed out all the time because he feels responsible for Ben. The other boys don't like Ben, and E is not going to be able to make them like him. I did talk to E about at least being friendly. Trying to remember to say hello to Ben, maybe even partnering with him or hanging out with him once in awhile...but even if he does actually remember, this would be small consolation for Ben. I did also talk to the teacher a bit about it. I just commented on how sad it made me to see him alone all day, and when she said that she thinks he prefers it, I corrected her...I said there is a difference between being alone because you need solitude and choosing solitude because you have given up after years of nothing but negative responses from the other kids. She told me that Ben had come to her tearfully many times at the beginning of the year asking for help to repair the friendship with E, and that she had tried to help a little but E wasn't that interested, and she could see that it wasn't a good match at this point. Also that she didn't want to put E in the position of having to choose between his new friends and Ben, which he would have to do because they don't get along at all (Brian and Ben). She is a very astute and kind teacher, so I am hoping she can find some ways to support Ben socially that don't involve forcing E to be his only friend, at the expense of E's other friends.

Anyway when I talked to E, I could tell that he does feel sorry for Ben and doesn't want him to be alone. But I am at a loss for what we could do to help Ben, without making things more difficult for E.

I think the best thing you could do for Ben at this point is be supportive acquaintances. Ben needs to move on and make a new best friend, and you can't do that for him. If you know his mom, you could maybe talk to her about what you observed, but you can't force a friendship between E and Ben that doesn't work, assuming it still wouldn't work (how old is E now? 5th?). Everything will change again soon and there will be a bigger pond for Ben to fish in.

I would continue to encourage E to support Ben at school, but I would not suggest E try to draw Ben into his new social circle. He can support Ben by speaking up (as he used to) if Ben gets teased, and by remembering a few simple niceties like hello and how are you. Maybe you offer to take Ben with your family to an activity sometime; if the two are going to renew any level of friendship, it will most likely be away from the other kids and one on one.

My son is no longer in the social group he was in elementary school, that hovered around the most popular kid in school and my son's best friend at the time; this other child's world got too much bigger in middle school and my son just didn't want to be in that world. But they still are friends, walking together to a shared activity once a week, and chatting comfortably for a while if they run into each at church and so on. I can see your son and Ben maybe reaching that kind of relationship going forward, with maybe a small effort from E. But beyond that ... it really isn't in your tool box, or your responsibility.

My son developed a new best friend in middle school with a child much more like him. Talk about each lacking the social skills to bridge the gap - mid last year they had a major blow out and my son was stuck spending nearly 7 months basically shunned and left out. School started this year and suddenly the other boy was over it; it worries me still, now that I know how volatile that boy is, but they are muddling through. I spent almost 7 months trying to figure out a new social life for my son, but it wasn't something I had the capacity to do. He had to figure it out for himself. And so will Ben, have to figure it out for himself. But our hearts still break over it.

Ugh! I have nothing to offer, but read your description and my heart was wrung out, too. I've been that kid...and I never understood why kids didn't like me or what I was doing wrong (I just read this article about bully-victims - I was certainly one, as is my DS.)

We are getting a reaction from the school that's effectively similar to "he likes being alone" - "he's being a social butterfly, he likes moving from group to group." My DS's version is that he has no friends and no one will play with him. It's amazing to me that the education system has been working on social competencies since I was a kid, yet the approach seems to be the same.

I think you are right. I can see that it's not my place and there's nothing much I can do. I do sort of know his mom, but not well enough to call her up out of the blue and discuss this. It is so sad though. Things won't change drastically for these kids until grade 9, our school goes from k-8, although I am sure that burgeoning hormones will shake up the social order plenty before then. In the meantime I hope things can improve for him somehow. I just wish I could do something to help. I guess I needed to hear that it's not my responsibility, and I certainly don't want to make it my son's responsibility, he has enough on his plate already (had a giant meltdown at lunch today over something that happened in phys ed...sigh).

Our school has excellent bullying policies, and they do actively teach inclusiveness...but still, there's Ben sitting all by himself and shunned by the other kids all day long.

I have one son who legitimately likes being alone. Yesterday at the field trip, he ignored his friend and paced in circles, scowling, for most of the day because of the overload of being out of his routine. He sat by himself at lunch and wouldn't even let his father sit with him. He desperately needed to be alone, but this is SOOOO different than what I saw with Ben (glancing furtively at the other kids, shadowing them just on the periphery of what they were doing and then withdrawing more and more as the day went on and rejection piled on rejection). Why can't the school tell the difference if a casual observer can?!

"he's being a social butterfly, he likes moving from group to group." You have got to be kidding me. Hardly any kids of that age socialize in that way. They have a "best friend" or a little knot of friends and they stick to them like glue, that's why it is so hard for an outsider to break in. I think the schools cling to denial. If they admit there is a problem then they admit the limitations and failures of what they are doing.