Rant/Venting Maybe?

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I don't think I've ever been the easiest person to talk to. I don't like new people, and get intimidated really easily by those in positions of authority. I'm just having such a rough time with this school thing. I've tried to be nice, which is all I can be, I can't deal with confrontation. I go in set ready to tell the teacher, or asst principal something, and I wimp out, or I tend to ramble on about the same thing.
They try to treat my DS as if he has a behavior problem. Nearly everyday the past school week, the asst principal has had to go talk to my son. Two of the times I feel is totally the school's/teacher's fault, another incident I can't say they were in the wrong.
I have told them he needs routine, Routine ROUTINE!! ! They just don't seem to understand that some of his "outbursts" can be completely avoided. One such instance (which turns into two or three) computer time is totally random, when the child's face flashes on the PC they go and do their work on it. Since DS has started school, his computer time has never occurred during nap time. Last week it happened twice, they tried to wake him up from nap, and he told then no, he was sleepy, they got the asst principal to make him get on the PC. This happened a second day, on the third day, anticipating that he would get PC time during nap time, he fidgets and moves a chair to keep himself awake, they tell him to quit being rude, then call the principal on him.
The school never tells me of these situations, I find out from the parent of a classmate. How am I supposed to help reinforce what they are trying to teach him, and do my job as a parent, if the school won't tell me what is going on? During on of the incidents, the asst principal said something about a judge, I really don't know anything more than that, that was all DS would/could/was able to tell me.
I get home tons of incomplete work, because the teacher says DS requires too much attn. I don't see a problem with the way he works, when he first does it, he wants the teacher to see it to make sure that it is right, then he'll do the rest, until he starts the next letter or number (kindergarten). He just doesn't want to do it wrong and keep doing it wrong.
I found out Friday night that the teacher asst drug my DS out of the classroom by his arm for getting up during carpet time, because she had to remove him because he was a distraction to the other children. Now don't get me wrong, I don't have a problem with him being removed from the classroom, but dragging him out while he is fighting to get away because he feels his personal space is being violated, I'm not worried about the teacher hurting him, as much as his fighting back might hurt himself. the teacher has also said that DS has been staying in his shirt lately, pulling his arms into his shirt. I think he is doing this because he got in trouble once for touching someone and got the principal called on him, I think he's doing it so he can't touch anything, and so that no one will touch him, and get anything started. His own bubble if you will.

Oh wow. That sounds so much like my kid. He started kindergarten this year and he's been going through a lot lately.

Have you tried writing a letter to the teachers and to the principle? I find that if I am able to write much more succinctly and forcefully get my point out in writing. I suck at confrontation really bad. In person, I suspect I sound like a blubbering whiney child, and in writing, I can nearly sound like a lawyer. Sometimes even the act of typing out and printing what I want to say and carrying it with me when I sit down to talk with them helps me get everything out. I see that you seem to be very expressive in your writing style, maybe writing to them will be the key to communicating his needs. Everything that you write about here are things that the teachers and principles really need to be aware of.

i'm sorry, but the principle must have a seriously boring life and lots of free time for him to come lumbering down to deal with every minor kindergarten infraction your kid has going on. I mean, come on, getting the principle because he didn't want to take his turn on the computer? Getting the principle because he was fidgenty during his nap? Geez. It seems like they are making huge cases out of minor issues with your son. The whole computer thing turn-taking thing they have going on sounds like an utterly ridiculous setup to me anyway. And it almost sounds like they have come to expect bad behavior from your son. I completely know how badly that sucks and what that feels like, especially when it's obvious exactly what's going on in his mind and these idiots are just won't see it.

I worry for your son and what must be going on with his self esteem. Is he being evaluated by the school for learning disabilities? (I guess that would apply if you are in the USA, i'm not sure how they do that in other places.) Are they aware at all that he may have some special issues going on? I don't see where you mention his diagnosis or anything. I think that if they knew how his mind worked, then it would be easier for them to understand him. Do you think he would benefit from special education classes of some sort?

I requested a Child Study with my kid's school, and they have set up to have me sign a consent to have his evaluation started. They are going to pull him out of class once or twice a day to evaluate his learning style. After they diagnose him with whatever they think it is that he has (I think it's Asperger's as well as perhaps ADHD, but I'm not sure) they set up special provisions for him, and his teacher is aware, and he won't get punished anymore for things he can't help.

I wonder if your child could benefit from something like that. Maybe talk to the guidance counselor and see if you can get the ball rolling.

They know about his asd. He is in EC 120 minutes a day, they re-did his IEP, he already passed all the normal kindergarten goals. In his EC class he is already doing 1st grade math (well, adding 2 digit numbers). I have printed the main points of the book "10 things your student with autism wishes you knew", I have made myself available to the teachers to pick my brain clean.
In his EC class, the teacher says he is a wonderful student, that just gets bored easily of writing letters and having to color, when he gets frustrated with his work, she lets him take a break and walk around the classroom to clear his head. I call her the hippie teacher, cause she is more lenient, but my DS seems to really respond to her.
I just don't know what they want to know, they aren't being very clear with me for the most part, they ask a vague question like, does your DS act up at home? Well, he's at home, we are used to him behaving a certain way, I pick my battles, always have. Not that I cater to my son's every need, or let him do what he wants all the time, but all he normally does when he is home is play with his cars, or play his racing game. Even when he is playing outside, he's normally making "dirt tracks" for his cars to race on in the driveway.

Sometimes printing out something generic that could applies to many people with a disorder is not quite the same as describing exactly how your own son works. It helps a lot, sure. And being available for them to ask you questions is awesome, but it doesn't help much during those times when you have specific issues with them that you want to present.

You could pull each point from the "10 things your student with autism wishes you knew" book that sounds exactly like your son. Type out and bold each one in Microsoft Word. Then under each point, elaborate on how and why that point describes your son. Use examples you know about from school to illustrate. Then type out what methods or techniques you use for when your son has an issue regarding that point. Maybe that would help? Maybe that is what they are looking for when they ask you what he does at home and how you deal with it.

I'm still new to all of this. I wish I had more info to help you navigate through this, but I'm trying to learn more myself. This is my first kid and my first kid in kindergarten. Everything he did i thought was normal, even though it frazzled my nerves. But I mainly followed his lead, thinking every kid was like him in some way or another. I didn't notice how different my son was until my second son was born, and he behaves in more neurotypical ways. My first son's issues seemed so huge compared to raising my second son. But I still told myself it was all ok. But then school started, and that's when it became blatantly obvious how much help my son would need to make it through school with his self esteem intact.

I was sort of hoping that by the time I made it to where you were with his IEP and everything, things would be so much better. Is there ANYONE besides the hippie teacher that seems at all interested in trying to learn how your kid works?

It's time like this when I appreciate my own kid's teacher a bit more. I don't see eye-to-eye with her about some things, but she does have her little ways of trying. It seems like your kid's only hope is his hippie teacher. Seems like no one else is trying to be on his side, and that makes me very sad.

I think it's pretty clear to those of us who have AS children that they are making some MAJOR mistakes with him. Those items need to addressed in his IEP. The computer time, for instance; that system is absolutely ridiculous. I don't see how it can work for any K child, much less an AS one, and lord knows why they have that system at all; demand it be changed. Seriously, I would prefer my child just not get computer time at school to a system that is no unpredictable.

The arms in the shirt thing? Most likely defensive, and they shouldn't have a problem with it.

Disruption during carpet time? There should a place nearby he can retreat to, where he'll be aware of what is going on without disturbing the other children. When he feels he can sit still and be quiet, he is encouraged to sit on the carpet. When he does not feel that level of control, he is asked to move himself to designated spot B.

If you cannot get these things addressed more properly in his IEP you may need to find a different school. What you are describing just does not sound right.

What ended up happening with the letter you wanted to send, btw?

I sent the letter that Friday, that Monday morning, the superintendent retired effective immediately.
http://www.bladenjournal.com/view/full_ ... _news_lead
So you can only assume the things that are running through my mind, number 1 being, did my letter make him choose to retire early?

It's kind of ridiculous that the school would allow computer times to interrupt naptimes anyway. Either the naps are necessary (which one assumes, as they are especially designating time for them), in which case it is inappropriate to prevent a child from receiving the necessary rest and recuperation; or they are unnecessary, in which case a child should not be punished for an unwillingness to participate (as long as he or she can be appropriately redirected so as not to disturb others) (and in any case, if naps are unnecessary - which I doubt they are at the kindergarten level for overstimulated, hyperactive students - one would ask the school why they set aside time from the school day for them).

Furthermore, would it be so difficult to institute a few simple accommodations? Your son could be given a routinely-scheduled computer time; if the program that flashes a child's face on the screen won't allow that, he could be given the first (before they start the program) or last (after it finishes) slot every day, and his face could be taken out of the random selection program. They could even give him a picture-based schedule with a card indicating that yes, he will get his computer time, and here is how he will know when it is his time (a clock with numbers or hands, or simply some image that indicates he goes "after maths" or "after everyone else's turn" or something).

You could also offer to buy him a little mini-play-tent or something for the corner of the classroom, and request that he be allowed to go into it at naptimes or if he needs a break. You could even suggest that if his behaviour is disruptive to others (such as if he is being fidgety at naptimes), he would be less trouble for the teacher if he were simply allowed to "get away" in his private tent and the other children were not able to see him and be distracted by him. There are few arguments a school can make against your offering to pay for such solutions yourself - the only conflict that might occur is if the teacher objects that all of the students will want a tent; however, I don't think this would be a major problem if the tent were out of the way in a corner (where children might not pay it as much attention) and were clearly designated as your son's right from the start, so questions of "wanting a turn in the tent" or similar were never addressed. And if it did become an issue, perhaps it could become the other children's first introduction to the concept that "fair treatment does not always mean that everyone gets the same treatment," and to the idea that different children have different needs (your son's being a "getaway") and that all needs are okay.

In an ideal world, anyway.

I live in a small hick town, my son is said to be the first autistic student they have had.
I talked to the asst principal this morning. He pretty much said that the teachers blow a lot of the things out of proportion, and that they over react. He pretty much told me, once they give up on him acting "normal" things would be a lot better.
Like the computer time issue, he said that the reason he didn't call me, is because it was a scheduling error, one that the teachers nor the school could avoid. The school system itself has the random program going, and the board of education would have to be informed of the special request, to have it changed otherwise. He said that he knew that it was out of my DS's routine, and that he felt the teachers over reacted on the situation. Also, he said that he knew the moving of the chair to keep himself up was a coping strategy.The asst principal informed me that the only thing that he does is redirect my son to his tasks.
He pretty much said, given time, they will learn to work together.

I agree that the teachers are really mishandling some pretty basic, simple things. I can't believe they would call the principal so much on a kindergartner?? I agree that you need each of these issues addressed in the IEP, and systematically worked on.

I also have a hard time communicating effectively in person, especially when I am upset or there is a lot of information to impart. Some strategies I use to help myself are to make a booklet for the teachers every year that outlines my sons strengths, weaknesses, the accommodations they may need and our expectations (I can PM you an example if you are interested), using email to communicate when possible, and taking notes into school meetings to keep myself on track for what needs to be covered. At first I worried that the teachers would think I was being obnoxious, but it is what I need to do. If something upsets me, I also wait and think about it for 24 hours before I deal with it, so that I can decide the best way to approach the school diplomatically and practice what I am going to say and how. We also found that getting a third party to speak with the school about apergers/our sons' needs was invaluable. We were able to get an autism education specialist to visit our school last year, and evaluate then give a presentation. Is there someone that you could get to speak to your sons teachers and principal? Like a local autism specialist or advocate, a psychologist, OT or maybe even the EC teacher could help you teach and advocate for him?

I live in a small hick town too so I completely understand what you are going through/up against.

You are going to have to get past your fear of confrontation. Do not see it as confrontation, see it as problem solving. Eveytime you hear of something inappropriate happening write a letter. I agree with the pp who said letters are a good way of communicating if you have difficulties with face to face confrontation. The letter needs to factually address the problem at hand (no opinions included at all) and it needs to copy the teacher, principal, and director of Sp Ed in your district. If you continually feel they are ignoring you, you can call an IEP meeting to address. Unforunately you have to educate them somewhat on what the issues are and how to address them.

This is a pervasive problem in small school districts: they have 2 roadmaps for the children: regularly developing and warehousing those who are not capable. It is very sad.

All I can say is that I relate absolutely to your kid.
I can't see a single thing in your entire account that he did wrong, and can see myself behaving in the same (or even more disruptive) ways. It sounds to me like the teacher has NO CLUE about what she's dealing with - or what your son's dealing with.

In fact, one of my most embarassing and regretful events in my life was a time when I was being woken up from a nap... There was confusion, nasty words, mild violence, hurt feelings, etc involved in the whole thing. And i was thirty at the time - so in fact, your son planning to stay up during nap time to prevent the 'wake up' intrusion was VERY mature and GOOD thinking on his behalf and I applaud him for it. F^$#% brilliant, actually.

I would say you should print out your original post (and maybe a few of the supportive replies) because in it you detail with very good accuracy the events.. and more importantly the WHY your son is doing what he's doing. It's my impression the teacher isn't using theory of mind to see your son's viewpoint. Thank god his parent is!

Ty DW, but is was the asst principal, not the principal, I talked to. I just don't feel comfortable with her.
Altho one thing does concer me about the talk we had, I told him about the situation where the teacher's asst drug/pulled him out the class, he told me that he didn't want to believe that, because they have a strict policy on that, and the only people at the school who are allowed to do that are the principal, asst principal, and the SRO (school resource officer, a town or county cop stationed in the school). He did say that he would look into it, but if I were in his position I wouldn't want to think that either.
I totally forgot to mention about him keeping his arms in his shirt and that it was a defensive action, the teacher told me Friday, it was something he had to work on. I came to his class to pay for something, and I saw him walking around like that, I haven't seen him do that before other than playing.