What's your strategy for dealing with obsessive fears?

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My daughter has some obsessive fears. They change from time to time. She has nightmares that "stay with her" for months and even years. She is afraid to be in a room by herself. She now is afraid to urinate. She holds it and holds it until it is painful. Now her urine is dark and smelly. She needs me to go to the bathroom with her. This is obviously not possible at school and I am afraid she's not going at school. I am afraid I need to take her to the dr for this but she has horrible experiences at drs-they have had to restrain her more than once.
She states sometimes "I wish I hadn't seen that" and then will obsess about something she sees. It's not always scary. A boy fell and hurt himself and now she says the scene is "stuck in her head". She became fearful watching Pinocchio and we had to turn it off. A neighbor said there were ghosts and now she thinks there are ghosts around her. She sings/talks constantly and I don't know if this is to alleviate (or talk herself through) fears or if it just the AS. She won't sleep alone. She panics in the middle of the night if she wakes and it is dark.
She's 7 and I am worried that these are obsessions and not "fears". Or perhaps she has an overactive fear response? I know that our kids mature more slowly but does anyone have any successful strategies for combating the "fears" or lessening her obsession on them? It's really affecting our lives pretty severely.
I give her lots of attention and reassurance that she's ok. I don't know whether to acknowledge the fears as rational and ok or risk telling her there's nothing to be afraid of when her mind tells her there is. Is this just anxiety?
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks.

Does she see a psych? My son has a fear of the doorbell ringing. I mean he will run for his headphones if he see's someone driving down our driveway. I had to put a security gate in that lets us know if something is approaching.Best I can do and warn him. Your situation is a tough one. Do you think making her bathroom almost spa like would help? Mine wont go unless we put a rain tape on,dim the lights and run a fan. Good luck.Interested what others say here.

My son outgrew most of his. I honored them, and he eventually outgrew them. Similar to how it can go with certain sensory issues.

The bathroom problem, however, needs to be solved. Often there is something at the core of the fear, and you need to ferret that out. Is she having pain? Is it the sensation? Is she afraid of the flushing (my son was for a while)? And so on. Maybe rewards for trying despite her fear?

My 6 year old son has similar fear obsessions. He is afraid of the shipyard, yet he has never been to one. Sometimes when we go driving to certain places he could see the shipyard off in the distance and he would start to panic and cry. He also had nightmares to the point of not sleeping in his own bed. He would obsess about natural disasters, so watching the news was not something we could do around him.

We have learned through his doctor that talking him through it, or giving him warnings before we go out will help ease the fears. I have to say that it does work. Before we go out, we sit him down and tell him that he will see the shipyard but we are not going near it and it seems to help. At least he isn't crying in car over the fear that we are taking him to the shipyard. For the natural disasters, we take them as they come. When he does hear about something that happened somewhere, we get the map out and talk about the issue. He doesn't seem to obsess over them for the long periods of time if we have the discussion with him.

The sleeping in his bed...that is still a work in progress. He has been sleeping in my bed for almost a year. We moved his bed into our bedroom and did a countdown to sleeping on his own bed. We marked the sleep day on the calender and he would cross off the days as it approached. The day that he was to sleep in his own bed, my son made it very clear that he would do it as long as his bed could stay in my room. Well it has been 1 month now since he has been sleeping in his own bed, and his doctor says we should begin the countdown to moving the bed back to his room...I am hopeful, fingers crossed I hope to get him there.

Sorry for being so long winded...I hope this helps.

My daughter has gone through a couple of bouts of irrational fear. At 7 or 8 ish, she had this fear of caves and tunnels. Once, in a museum in Chicago she actually vomited in the midst of a panic attack in an exhibit about coal mining. Around 9, she had a germ fear. She would not touch anything in public, wouldn't sit down on a public bench/chair/whatever, etc. Another one around that age was about knowing where I was at all times. (That one was challenging for me..every second of the day, where exactly is mom?)

in our experience, the fears/obsessions have disappeared - or changed into something else - after 6 to 9 months. Meanwhile, our approach was very matter of fact. We respected the fear and did not deliberately make her do anything she was afraid of... at the same time, we made sure not to alter our life in order to accomodate them. I think it's important not to give additional credibility to her fears. So, for example, while I was patient with her fear of sitting on the subway, I was not going to let her use hand sanitizer every 10 minutes. My continued approach was that we would be understanding with the fear but we would not validate it. Because fundamentally it wasn't valid.

note: this is different from a sensory issue, which I would consider to be valid.

I agree with DW that you need to solve the bathroom problem. This is not something you can just tolerate until it passes. It needs to be solved. I wonder what is at the root of it - is it sensory? is it fear of something in the bathroom? I think you have to get to the bottom of that before you can solve it.

Have you tried talking to her about potential health effects that might result from this? That's often an effective approach with mine (as long as she doesn't take it too far, as with the germ phobia... sigh)

I've been thinking more about this - and wanted to add: in our case, these fears/obsessions seem to lessen when my daughter is getting a lot of exercise.

I had obsessive fears myself as a child. I would have panic attacks to the point my mother thought I was having a heart attack from certian obscure things on TV. Even though I knew they were just cartoons, some of the situations that went on in them made me have panic attacks. I think part of the reason I loved Invader Zim so much is that because half of the things that went on in that cartoon are the type of things that made me have panic attacks from watching cartoons as a kid. Invader Zim is said to have never been intended for children, but it seems rather tame to the things that went on in the cartoons I saw that WERE intended for children.

We are seeing a psychologist right now for these very things (different fears, but similar results, intrusive thoughts, avoidance, panicking when alone, not sleeping etc.). I have also been reading up on children and anxiety, and I would highly, highly recommend this book:

http://www.amazon.com/Freeing-Your-Chil ... 150&sr=8-1

Lots of simple practical advice.

Things that are working for us:
-find the line between normalizing/honouring the fear and giving in to it. You want your child to get the message that it is perfectly normal to have fears and you want to comfort them, but not to inadvertently give them the idea that the fear is real by giving it too much credence. Example: child is afraid to sleep alone, parent sleeps with child every night. Message given=you aren't safe, and you can't do this on your own. A better strategy would be to brainstorm ways to help them feel safe (nightlight, comfort items, sleeping closer to mom&dad etc.) while constantly reinforcing the message that you know they are 100% safe, and can sleep alone safely. (baby steps for this though, take any steps towards facing the fears in tiny, tiny increments that the child can manage)
-have the child journal, draw pictures and talk about the fears every day (during the day not at bedtime). This way the child gets used to the bad ideas and images and they are slowly drained of their power. This will be very hard at first, but then gets easier. Talk lightly about the fears, make fun of the monsters, give the scary guy a ridiculously goofy voice when you talk about him. Anything that takes away the fear's powerful mystique. Keep reinforcing the message that these are just ideas, and ideas can't hurt you.
-teach about the fear response, adrenaline etc, in age appropriate terms, so that the child knows what is happening inside their bodies when they are afraid. The book I mentioned has great, clear suggestions for doing this. When your body is flooded with adrenaline and you are panicking, it is in and of itself a terrifying experience when you don't know what is happening.

We have been working hard on this since my son had a huge anxiety spike at the beginning of the summer. It is a process, he seems to come up with new fears all the time. But things have improved greatly, and we are feeling empowered about how to help him effectively (at first I was just overwhelmed and scared myself, it was awful to see his fears spiraling out of control so dramatically, like he was drowning right in front of me and I couldn't do a thing).

Also the previous poster who mentioned about exercise is also correct. Keeping active during the day will help to burn off some of that energy that would otherwise be directed into obsessing about fears.

She sees a psychologist but not a psychiatrist and she is not on meds.

I don't know what the fear of peeing is about-I think it is related to not wanting to be in the bathroom alone. I can be literally 10 feet from the bathroom door and that's not good enough-she wants me to go into the bathroom and stand there while she goes. She is not afraid of the flushing (thank goodness that subsided a while ago). She is simply afraid of being alone. Sometimes she will panic if she is left alone, even in just the next room. After a few moments she will run to me really fear stricken and clings to me, with rapid breathing and heart rate until I calm her down. She becomes extremely agitated if I try to inquire what the fear is about. Sometimes I can figure out what the fear is about based on her incessant talking while doing something. She will talk to herself or carry on a monologue about something and that will give me hints at what the issue is. She has said the pee is too hot-she has always had a fear of hot things (and perceives temperature differently) but I don't know if that is pain or temperature related.

Sometimes she is afraid to fall asleep alone so I will lay there until she falls asleep (in her own bed) but she will only do this if I promise to carry her into my room. She has slept in her room all night but it is random-some nights she will protest and some she won't. Nights are very delicate times for us and I am sensitive to not tell her I will carry her in and then not do it-in fear that she won't trust me anymore and stop falling asleep in there at all. Her sleeping with me doesn't bother me too much (and btw she craves pressure at night so will sleep through the night with pressure but will wake without it) but is there a point at which I should be alarmed that it's not "resolving"?

I will look into finding that book.

She has pretty much ZERO exposure to scary things-she mostly watches preschool tv programs like Imagination Movers and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I have wondered (like the chicken & the egg question) if she avoids age appropriate tv because of her fears or if she has the fears because she's never been exposed to typical conflict and therefore has a lower "fear threshhold"?

I am afraid if I go into detail about health risks that will scare her further.

I am worried that I am "feeding her fears" by protecting her from them. Is exposure therapy what would be best in these situations? Her fears would perhaps be worse initially but she would overcome them in time? Is it safe to use this technique on AS kids? Or would that torment her and make them worse?

Not about health risks, but about the physiology of fear. She needs to know that fear will make your tummy hurt, headache, heart race etc. and that this is normal, and she is not ill, dying etc. And that these messages from her body can be faulty. The book I mentioned has great language for kids about your "worry brain" and your "logic brain" and how to differentiate between the two.



It is a balancing act. Protecting her from her fears will not help to resolve them and will make them worse over the long term, however shoving her in the deep end, so to speak, could send her anxiety skyrocketing and damage the trust between the two of you. Exposure therapy is the one very reliable way to overcome specific fears, but it must be done in a careful, kind, consistent way that takes your own particular child's temperament and needs into account.

For example my son was doing exactly what you describe with the fear of being alone, even in the bathroom, but for him it is only after dark. This is particularly affecting shower/bath time and toothbrushing. I did not stay in the bathroom with him for toothbrushing even though he begged me to, instead we set a 3 minute timer so he knows the time is short and finite, and used strategies like leaving the door open so he could call out and we could call back. It was hard on him, but it was a small chunk and I knew he could do it, and I wanted him to see that I believed he could do it and to show himself that he could conquer it too. However for bath/shower time on the nights when he is particularly fearful I do go and sit outside the shower curtain and talk to him so he knows I am there. As his parent I know that this is too much to ask right now. Small manageable steps, and eventually he will be less fearful about this.

With each fear we conquer together he is more willing to trust us and himself during the process, but at times it is extremely painful. All I want to do is protect him not push him into his fears, but avoiding the fearful thing will only make it exponentially worse.

BTW if co-sleeping works for you, then it may be the best solution for now while you slowly work on the daytime fears. That way she is getting a good sleep and feeling close and comforted, while she tackles other things.

I really do feel for you. I am an anxious person myself and have found helping my son through this to be extremely challenging. The good news is that all of the information I have gleaned to help him is helping me too, and I am setting the example for him by challenging myself on my own fears too.

Get her to the doctor ASAP. That could potentially become life-threatening depending on the cause.

I wish I had answers for you. I just wanted to add that my son has some anxieties, and so far we have just worked around them. Nothing too serious. My son is afraid to ride in someone else's car (except mine and my husband's) The funny thing is that cars are his main special interest. But a few times, when he thought he was going to have to ride in a friend's car, he literally went into panic mode. When we visit my mom, and she picks up at the airport, he will panic some, but I offer him a lollipop if he will get into the car. Once he is in there, he is fine, and he will willingly get in there for the whole rest of the visit. So far, I haven't forced the issue of making him ride in any other car unless it is unavoidable.

He has a couple of other strange fears too, and so far, I just kind of talk through it. He is afraid of bugs in light fixtures, his bedpost, and a picture of a wine bottle that I have in my dining room. I don't really understand any of it, but I just try to reassure him that he is okay and that these things won't hurt him.

I hope you can find some answers soon, hopefully, she will grow out of some of the things when she matures a little.

BTW, I took your advice and checked out the book, "The Explosive Child" I plan on reading it as soon as I can!

Good luck with your sweet girl! I just feel so bad that she has so much anxiety!! !

Do you remember what the things in the cartoons were that scared you? My DD gets scared at random scenes during Sesame Street that don't seem scary and we can't figure it out.

This is probably not what's going on with your child, but my son always has us go into strange bathrooms with him because he's afraid there'll be a power outage and he'll be left in the dark. At home we have an emergency light that will go on if there's a power outage. This hasn't happened in years but the fear is still with him.

I hope that book is as helpful for you as it has been for me!

It is so difficult to find the "source" of the anxiety. I don't know if she really knows what the source is. Like last year with school she was ok and then she began refusing to go and became very fearful of going. I think various things happen and negative associations evolve until the entire act (such as going to the bathroom or school or being alone...) becomes something to be avoided because something bad happened once (or she had a bad "thought" while doing it). Nothing bad has ever happened to her but the fears of being alone really became pronounced about a year ago when she had a very disturbing dream. This has made nights very tense for us because she is all wrapped up in the idea that her dreams can cause her fear against her will. She will try to not go to sleep to avoid dreaming. Melatonin has helped with this.

It's yet another chicken or the egg dilemma when the psychologists say the bad dreams are a product of the anxiety but the dreams actually fuel the anxiety as well.

Have you tried a reward system at home yet? Even at first for going when you are with her and then gradually you move further away?

Maybe social stories about why people need to go to the bathroom and "being alone?"

Some fears are so strong there's not much you can do until they outgrow them. I just worry about the bathroom issue being dangerous for her My little guy was terrified of automatic toilets for a year.....it was extreme. As he was exposed more and got older he outgrew it.