As a step parent to an Aspie Teen...

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Previously posted on another area of this forum and directed here:

I am fairly new to the understanding of what it means to be linked to a young adult with aspergers and how to cope with the differences.

A little background: I married a man with an asperger teen - he's now teetering on 18. His home is with us and his other siblings live with their mother. He holds down a job working about 12 hours per week and is in his senior year of HS. His father and I live about 45 minutes away from his HS and work so he commutes with his Dad who also works in the same area.

I'm pretty certain his other siblings (ranging from 10-20 years of age) don't quite understand him and why he is different. His mother does tend to allow him to stay, however, after about 3 days, he's told that he's worn out his welcome there and must stay with us.

He does have fits of anger sometimes - although never around me - it's only geared towards his mother and Dad. His Dad does a tremendous job of keeping his cool and not flying off the handle. His mother on the other hand, does not.

My first concern is: when his behavior does get out of control, or when he does something that he shouldn't, what is the best form of discipline for him? He behaves exceptionally well at school, we just don't know what to do about his mis-behavior at his moms. Since he works in the same area as his Mom's it makes it difficult for my husband as he has to wait on him if he works certain nights since his mother will not allow him to stay...

Thank you in advance for any help or insight you may be able to give.

Well... the first thing that comes to my mind is that ANY teenager who is banished from their mother's home after 3 days in a repeating cycle is going to have anger issues. I personally would get him into counselling to deal with his mother's inadequacies as a first step.

Secondly, it would be important to know what the sensory environment is like for him at his mom's. Is it busy there? Loud? Does she require him to be social when he is overloaded? Like when he comes home from school or work? Does he have access to his own quiet space, video games or tv if they help him wind down? If he other siblings don't understand him, how are they treating him? Without an understanding of Aspergers they are likely triggering his meltdowns without even realizing it.

Discipline is only warranted for behaviours that are not triggered by sensory overload. Respones to sensory overload meltdowns should be helping him learn how to either avoid or tolerate or moderate his sensory responses, but not disciplining him. That's the same as disciplining a blind person for bumping into furniture and breaking a vase.

Concerning his mother, has it occurred to you that he might just have resentment towards his parents, his mother especially?

Just because someone with AS becomes upset does not mean it's not warranted. People with AS are forced to live in a world that they are incompatible with and react to it in much the manner anyone would if they were forced to live in a similar environment.

There is an interesting phenomena amongst Japanese women called "Paris Syndrome". Japanese culture is very structured and has strict rules of conduct and tends to be more formal than most societies. When certain Japanese women, with Japanese values and romantisized concepts of Paris actually visit the city, some of them experience such severe culture shock because French culture is so vastly different from Japanese culture that the women perceive the French as exceedingly rude, and Paris isn't all that romantic anyway. The result is, some Japanese women are shipped home in tears, experiencing paranoia, hallucinations, or worse.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paris_syndrome

Concerning punishment, it depends on the exact nature of the transgression. But he's almost an adult and it's not really appropriate to punish adult children. It would likely be more beneficial to him to facilitate independence, meaning, perhaps help get a car or rent a room somewhere (if he wants to) and back off a little on the telling him what to and what not to do.

This is probably the only way he is going to learn he has to try harder to be self responsible in life, and he probably needs some space anyway.

Thank you for your quick reply. I can understand the triggers when he is at his mom's a little better now, but what happens when he does not have those sorts of triggers when he is at our house. What kind of "discipline" would you suggest when it comes to his lying, not obeying house rules (eating in living room being just one example), inappropriate texting, not doing chores he's assigned?

It's taken me some time to realize that his thinking is way different than mine and was hoping for some insight.

Thanks again.

What is he lying about?
Are the rules listed somewhere that he can see them in case he's just not remembering?
Are his chores listed? A to-do list would probably be very helpful.
What kind of inappropriate texting are you referring to? Is it not at the right time, or is it inappropriate in nature?

It is very important that things are clearly explained, and visual prompts (like lists) can be very helpful. Not everyone is a primary auditory learner and men tend to be more visual anyway. My husband and I can both hear the same set of instructions. I will be able to repeat them back verbatim. He will explain the "jist" of what he understood, and very often he doesn't understand so it will turn into a 45 minute discussion. Not saying this is your step-son, but it's possible.

Honestly these are things you enforce on a child. Since he's almost an adult, I really think you should stop treating him like a child.

When he turns 18, it is not your job to punish him for inappropriate texting. If he texts something inappropriate, he alone can deal with the consequences of that. He if tests at an inappropriate time, he can also deal with the consequences he has brought on himself from that. You can tell him people think he's being rude, but he alone should be the one who decides whether or not he does it.

You might find that the more you respect him as an adult, and the more you are willing to "get off his back" so to speak, the more he might be willing to do his chores because it's respectful for him to do...mutually respectful.

If you keep treating people like children they will keep acting like children. You need to back off a little to give people room to grow and become independent.

I have no idea how "mature" aspie children/teens are, but ours is almost 18 going on 12. I don't say that to be mean, but his mentality just is not there at this point. He is texting inappropriatly to children who are 12 and 13 years of age. Our concern is this will land him in jail or prison. His father works for a prison and knows how easily this could happen - and knows what happens - so we are wanting to nip this type of behaviour so to speak.

We don't treat him as a child, give him some "adult" responsibilities but on the same token are not treated respectfully. He is a great kid, we just want to steer him in the right direction so that one day he can be an independent person, happy, and successful.

When I had my 19 year old living with me, he was to abide by house rules and there was mutual respect. I am not treating my Aspie step son any differently than I did my biological "normal" son or expecting any more or less from him. The only difference is: we are not establishing "discipline" so to speak as we don't know how to with one who is so different in his thinking and outbursts.

If you keep treating him like a child he will keep acting like one. Tell him his texting can land him in jail, and if he continues to do it, and it does, then it does. You cannot protect him forever, nor should you try.

I would also like to point out two things. AS is not synonymous with immaturity. I was very mature as a teenager. I never went through any type of rebellious phase, and I was also without much parental supervision as a teenager.

I would also like to point out that parents, or parental figures, often have false perceptions of their children and thinks their children are less capable of caring for themselves than they actually are.

I will say, people with AS might need a little more prodding to become independent because many don't like change and need to be pushed into adulthood.

Mother birds push their babies out of the nest because without incentive to fly,they never will, and their chances for survival plummet because the nest is actually a dangerous place.

You can sit down with him and go over all of this explicitly if you want.

I agree with Chronos; HOWEVER, I remember well what it was like being an Aspergian at eighteen; I was also very immature. I lacked most of the skills needed to live independently. A mother bird pushes her baby out of the nest because she knows it CAN fly, it only needs the push. An Aspergrian teenage, on the other hand, may be pushed right out into homelessness, drug abuse, jail, etc.

My parents made the mistake of taking me from a sheltered, over-protective environment to shoving me out the door and locking it. I failed miserably and it took me years to recover.

Don't baby him, but if you feel you need to exercise some tough love, then you will need to push him with some "security features." Give him a list of resources or someone to call if he has difficulties. Encourage him to live independently, but also make sure that he has someone to call when he needs support.

Last edited by dyingofpoetry on 05 Nov 2010, 5:16 am, edited 2 times in total.

OK - Here's my take....

What I hear you saying is that he isn't acting maturely nor how you would expect, so you would like insight. For the sake of arguement, let's agree to refrain from using the word discapline with an adult. it rubs people the wrong way. I get what your saying, you want him to abide within the house rules and you don't want to kick him out. Do I have that right?

OK - You and your husband go over the list of expectations. Really look at this list and decide what are the really important things. Get rid of anything that doesn't really matter. Then make an appointment for the three of you to talk about living together harmoniously, and review the list.

Ask stepson how you can help him manage these important things. Does he need lists, reminders programmed into his phone, phone calls.... (If you say he has the maturity of a 12 year old, he may need reminders like a 12 year old)

Then you should develop an understanding of what happens if he (and you) don't stick to the agreements. For instance, if he doesn't do the chores do you hire a neighbor kid to do them and he has to pay the kid?? the innapropriate texting.... I would say "it's against the law, we don't break the law in this house. If you have trouble sticking with this one, do you need us to hold your phone when your home? I get why you are trying to help with this behavior.

You can't be over controlling though, just be helpful. If this doesn't work - maybe it is time for hime to rent a room elsewhere.

I don't think this is true at all. People with Asperger's are delayed in social and often emotional understanding. This obviously can translate to immaturity. This isn't an excuse for bad behaviour at that age, but to dismiss that the two are related isn't right.

Him having a job is already a huge step. If I were in charge I'd warn them of the legal concerns, and if things still continued I'd take the phone away. Rules are rules. Something of that nature is serious, not as if he were just texting at the dinner table.

Aspie kids are often known for strictly following rules, as long as they understand them. Make SURE he does. If he does understand them and is still disobeying proceed with normal punishments, sort of. If he is stressed out and needs the TV to relax or he will have a meltdown taking away the TV is not a good choice, etc.

I think it is hard to punish aspie kids because often the things that are taken away are destressors or special interests which just results in meltdowns. I was never punished because of this. Letting them know the consequences from other people of their behaviour is probably the best step...

If he is living your home, he is subject to your rules. Those rules should respect the fact that he is almost an adult by legal definition, even if he isn't developmentally ready for that role. He needs to be able to assume as many of the age appropriate roles as he wishes to, sink or swim. It may be difficult to let him sink sometimes, but all parents at some point must do exactly that. Just ... don't force it on him. See what responsibility he wants, and then hold him to it.

I think the whole conversation should evolve about privileges and responsibilities. Each one goes hand in hand. If he wants the privilege of having a cell phone and texting, then he must adhere to the responsibilities. If he cannot, he will lose the privilege. That is the way the adult world works, and totally age appropriate.

Chores can similarly be tied to privileges. As children grow, they take on a larger share of the responsibilities of the household and, in return, are rewarded with more freedom and independence. If he can't take on his share of the responsibility, he exchanges a piece of his freedom and independence. However, be sure that (a) the chores are not overwhelming for him or otherwise sensory inappropriate (AS kids have very different abilities than NT kids, need a LOT more downtime - including time to stim and self-calm, and often lack executive function - making something like cleaning a room into task impossible) and (b) can be done on his own time and schedule. My son would rather cook dinner for the family than make his bed. Go figure. But, I run with that, and adjust accordingly.

Lying is a little more complicated with most AS kids, because they use language differently than the NT world. Most AS kids are very literal, while the NT world gets stuck on "you know what I meant!" Well, actually, the AS child does not know what you meant. He knows what you said, and he responds accordingly. If parents haven't adjusted their vocabulary before the teen years, the AS child may either have given up or decided the parents lie all the time, making them complete hypocrites. As far as I can tell, lying isn't natural to AS kids; when they do it, it is defensive, or sometimes a misinterpretation of the social rules they are observing. Either way, you have to solve it at the beginning, in my opinion, and remake the way the family communicates. And for that, I recommend searching some prior threads on the topic. Otherwise, I'll be writing all night

Finally, one of our young adult members wrote a book for parents, and it is free for download. I think you'll understand a lot more about your stepson and how he thinks / reacts after you've read it:

http://www.ASDstuff.com

It's very important to keep in mind that Discipline means "teaching" not hurting. In that sense, "discipline/teaching" can help.

I think everyone here has already stressed the point that there's some form of issue related to his mother. This isn't necessarily his mother's fault - as different people have different levels of coping ability and particularly with aspies, only certain types of behaviour modifiers work. Try not to blame the other mother.

As the step parent, you have a shaky place in the relationship. You're probably not the target of anger because you're not seen by him as someone who can "give orders". That's not going to change quickly, especially given his age.

Instead, I'd suggest that you go out to a neutral place, like a coffee shop or a picnic and discuss the best ways to move forward. Don't gang up on him. It's not about making him do his chores. It's about having him take responsibility. You will need to treat him as an adult (after all, he IS one now). I know that he seems immature but you'll find that most 18 year olds are half-mature and half not. Unfortunately, his immaturity is probably showing more than most.

Instead of telling him to do things, ask him how he thinks that he can help you. Tell him about the problems you have and ask for assistance. Tell him how much it means to you that he helps the family. Also; Instead of arbitrary rules, try to think in terms of cause and effect;

For example; Why can't he eat in the living room? Is it just an arbitary rule or is there a good reason? If it's about cleaning the room, then ask him to either eat elsewhere or to accept that it will be his job to clean the room. That way, he has an adult choice to make and he knows the consequences up front.

As far as the texting is concerned, this is a serious issue. If you've already talked to him without success then you need to consider getting someone else involved. You might consider talking to the local police to see if they'd be willing to talk to him without giving him a record etc. Usually they have councillors who do this sort of thing. I'd suggest that you approach them anonymously at first to see what they'd be willing to do.

Thank you all for responding. I've come away with some great suggestions and advice. I am going to print out all your replys and go over this with my husband over the course of the weekend.

My stepson really is a great kid, but has lacked structure and guidance due to the fact that his situation was never really understood and it didn't seem like anyone was willing to work with him.

Since I've been in his life, he's gone to counselling and I have seen a tremendous improvement over his anger issues. We just need to get better at keeping up the sessions.

I do know that he has anger issues with his mom and wants so badly to be accepted and loved by her. Our next step is to get her involved with his counselling as I have come away with a better understanding of dealing with an AS young adult and know she would benefit as well

As far as placing more independence and responsiblity on him (within his limits) I think is a great idea.

The cell phone texting is by far our biggest concern and this will be addressed this weekend.

Again, thank you all for your insight, advice, and suggestions.

I said having AS is not synonymous with immaturity. That does not mean that I am claiming that all people with AS are mature compared to their NT counterparts. It only means that having AS does not automatically mean one is immature. So perhaps you mis-interpreted my original post.

I also believe that younger generations with AS are more immature than previous generations because of the protective parent effect. You see this with NT's as well. Very sheltered children are often very immature.

Last, I believe some with AS simply appear to be immature because they are constantly forced to function in a world which they are incompatible with, so they are in a constant state of culture shock and thus endure more stress than an NT. I think people with AS actually hold out better than an NT would under the same conditions. It is actually not difficult to prove this. NT's in general have a difficult time when their perception of reality and normality are threatened. This is why they have a difficult time accepting people with AS and those who are a little different. That little bit of differences amounts to too different for a lot of them.

"Delayed" isn't the right way of looking at it, though some psychology texts may use it. Aspies simply don't go through the same stages of social and emotional understanding; it's not as if we get there eventually, just later.

"Social maturity", when applied to aspies, is more a measure of how well they work with or around their differences to interact socially. For example, aspies tend not to be prone to practical jokes; that can make them "more mature" in some respects. Humor is more difficult for aspies to "get", so they may be "less mature" in that respect - or they may not, if they avoid situations where humor is acceptable.

I do agree with Chronos that it seems like younger generations of aspies may be less mature due to overprotective parents. Certainly it's true that aspies can't be expected to be neurotypical. However, that doesn't mean they can't be expected to develop their own ways of interacting functionally with the rest of society. Developing their own ways of interacting is what maturity is about.

With respect to the original poster's stepson, I agree with Chronos that he's doing well in this respect, given he can hold down a part time job while still in school.