Shocked, Speechless and Not in a Good Way

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Ok, the school called me this morning, DS spit in another students face!! ! OMG I'm SHOCKED!!
I, I, just don't know what.....I mean WOW!! !
I went to the school immediately, the principal was very calm about it, he was good. He handled the situation alot better than I would.
Now what do I do? I need to punish him, but how? or should I just leave it at that. the discussion that me, the asst principal, and DS had?
There is no question, he admitted he did, I asked him a whole string of questions, and he answered them. He said he didn't know why he did, he just did. We covered why it's bad to do so, and if he did it cause someone was bothering him, to tell the teachers, or him. I'm really just still so super shocked, I never expected this.
This was his first real write up.
My sister her son has adhd, she told me to put it up, put it in his book, like a milestone.
I'm rushed for time, so I'll give some more detail later.

Hello, may I suggest something?

Equip your little boy with a full box of paper handkerchieves so as he can spit in it instead of spitting in people's face.

It's very difficult to swallow when all you want to do is spitting

I remember getting in trouble for spitting at other children and I remember shrugging and saying "I don't know" when asked why I spit on them. I also remember being surrounded by kids and feeling like a trapped animal and wanting them to go away and spitting on them out of stress and confusion.

oh...so that's what i was supposed to say when the principal told me my son showed the wrong finger to his (ex) girlfriend.....
no wonder she didn't seem to understand my laughter....
kids will do what they can to express what they feel, if words don't come out, something else will! i asked my son what happened, he said the morning she was in love with him, in the afternoon she said out of the blue that she hated him and he was a ret*d.
don't you think you're overreacting a bit? i mean his feelings were probably badly hurt for him to react like this. if you had the whole story i bet you would be able to understand what triggered this...

I remember the first time that I was told my son bit another child. My response was "What did the other child do to him?" My son has never been the type of kid who attacks other people for no reason. Remember, our kids may not handle things in an "appropriate" fashion. They do however tend to do everything for a reason. I would be really shocked if he wasn't somehow provoked. He may not be able to express it adequately either, so approaching it without emotion (if possible) would probably make it easier for him to explain.

You may find that your son is going to go through every potential reaction one by one to figure which ones ARE OK.

First time you make sure he knows the rule, which all the talks in this case should have accomplished. You also establish right now what the consequence will be NEXT time he spits.

The second time you apply the consequence stated in the discussion, above.

All times you re-emphasized the preferred method (words) for expressing frustration, anger or anxiety.

Remember that your child has no ability to figure out what is allowed or isn't allowed. How would he know spitting was a problem, unless he had tried it sometime after age 4, or within memory, and discovered it was? Our kids don't intuitively get any of these rules, and they can't expand from rule A to rule B, no matter how similar they seem to us.

After you've gone through all the possible physical reactions, there is a good chance your child will move on to all the variations of "use your words," including swear words, shouting, getting in the child's face, etc. One by one you explain why the action chosen didn't fit the preferred method, and state the consequence for the NEXT occurrence.

If you issue any further consequence at this point, your son is likely to feel confused and picked on, because odds are he wasn't all that sure it was a rule. Think about it, how often in the past month have you told him, "you are not allowed to spit!" Most likely, not at all; it just didn't come up. Starting from the assumption that your child WANTS to follow the rules will make him feel trusted and increase his willingness to do his very best.

I have one of the best behaved 13 year olds at the school and I never made an issue out of any new, shocking behavior. It isn't necessary. It is the ones your child REPEATS that will need a stronger reaction.

I had asked DS about everything, did he hit, kick, slap, punch, push, spit on you first, no to each.
I wasn't told what was going on when it happened, just that it happened.

DW_a_mom, I just wanted to say how much you rock! I wish you had been my mom.

Sometimes an autistic kid can't tell you why they did something. I can recall not being able to explain my behavior an awful lot when I was a kid. Some of those things I can look back now and explain why I did it and some are still a mystery to me. Your son may quite literally be unable to explain why he spit on the other child.

I talked a bit more to my DS since he came home from school. He said that the boy came to him, and that he spit, DS said he wanted to make him go away. That the boy wasn't picking on him, calling him names, or anything I can think of down the list.

If your son is in any kind of therapy for sensory issues, you might want to mention this and see if the therapist can work on proximity issues. Sometimes, just having someone "in your space" can cause a lot of anxiety for a child with autism or even cause them to feel threatened. That may be something your son needs to work on: staying calm when other children get "too close" because your son's definition of "too close" may be very different from the surrounding culture's definition of "too close."

Forgive me if I've missed it, but how old is your boy?

My son recently grabbed another student's pen and threw it out the window, but can't exactly tell me why... and he's fourteen. Sometimes it is hard for kids to express why they do something. Hope you get to the bottom of it.

I'm not sure reason matters nearly as much as learning that some things just are not done. Work with him on tools for reacting that are appropriate, and be prepared to handle each instinctive reaction one by one. Going through a list of prohibited actions just doesn't register in the way experimenting with one, and being lectured about it, will.

Also, FYI, I tend to believe that things that happen at school should be dealt with at school, unless the school is asking you to add more layers of consequences. Kids take the consequences issued by school super seriously, and that is usually more than enough message.

Thank you!

It took me a while to find that path, but it works really well with my unique child.

Funny, last night my son wanted me to get his sister in trouble for something, and we talked about why I wasn't really excited about doing so, and how I've been handling things with both of them in general. Then I asked him if he thought it was necessary for me to do more about the one situation. He told me that looking at the bigger picture, after our talk, he felt that this unique situation could probably be left as it was, nothing further from me. They are both good kids, they both try really hard, and they both mess up at times. But the point is, I know they are trying, and other than a few hot button issues with each of them (and they each know what those are, and what I will not tolerate), I don't think being more strict would actually create any different results.

mgran, my DS is 6, he just started Kindergarten this year.

I don't think this is exclusive to autistic children. Around that age or a bit older I had my NT younger sibling spit on me in public. This sibling also used to pull my hair, scratch me, etc. I can't say I blame them because I was apparently a really annoying kid who didn't know when I was being overbearing or overwhelming to someone. It is likely I was being such and they spit on me as a reaction.

I'd instruct that if you don't want somebody around you, you can do A or B, but spitting isn't appropriate and explain why it isn't (it's unsanitary, makes someone feel bad... if the kid has sensory issues they might be able to see why spitting on someone would be unpleasant for them -- compare it to water if they don't like being splashed)