How to intervene on/prevent possible bullying?

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My daughter started a new private school and things are going great. The school is a perfect fit for her with small class size and more individualized attention. On Friday a bunch of moms got together with the kids and had an informal play time after school. My daughter did quite well for a while but I noticed one particular girl really trying to pick on my daughter. Most kids at this young age (7) are quite accepting of Grace, however there are kids who seem to have a sense of what bothers kids and will exploit those weaknesses and triggers-this girl seems to be one of those. I noticed the girl aggressively blowing in my daughter's face (a real, real trigger for her due to the close proximity (getting in her face) and the actual sensory problems with the blowing in the face) and chasing my daughter, seeming to think it was "fun" to drive my daughter into anger and meltdown by doing these things. I noticed the girl's mother stop the girl and try to warn her to stop picking on my daughter but the girl protested and said my daughter "started it" (I know this is not true-I watched the whole thing evolve). This other girl seems to be "left out" of the other kids' play because she is mean and aggressive and this girl seems to have found a target with my daughter being weak socially and seemingly unable to understand the girl's intentions.

I have only seem my daughter become violent towards another child twice and the most recent was with a girl who did this type of aggressive antagonizing towards her.

My question is what should I do? I was able to leave the play situation and calm my daughter down after a long while but what will happen in the classroom when I am not there and the teacher doesn't understand these things are triggers for my daughter? Do I have a conference with the teacher and try to explain this? Call the girls mom and try to explain?

This girl seems very aggressive and unwilling to be redirected or forced to stop as I witnessed when her mother tried to stop her. I am afraid my daughter could become violent in defending herself or misunderstanding the girl's intentions and my daughter will be blamed for the violence.

Any suggestions?

Blowing in the face like you are describing is something that would make my son lose his temper, and for the same reasons (in his personal space and sensory). What worries me about stuff like this is that I know my son would be the one to get in trouble in the end. We want to avoid that.

Usually when I am in this situation, it is that the other child's parent doesn't say anything to stop the obviously bad behavior or is no where to be found (e.g. on a playground). Do you think this mother talked to her daughter for show in front of the other parents or was the talk genuine? If you think it was genuine, talk to the mother.

If the mother does not intervene or is no where to be found, then I have absolutely no problem talking firmly or even yelling at the child.

E.g. I went to McD Playland with my younger son (NT as far as I know). He was about 16 or 17 months old. He is an observer of other children. He is very friendly and caring. He was in a little cubby thing w/a bunch of kids and this girl who was probably 2 years old straight up slapped him! He was stunned and had a delayed reaction. No adult went over to stop her. Other adults saw her do it - no one did anything. I waited about 30 seconds, in which time she hit him again, and went over there and loudly told her "Hitting is not nice! Do NOT hit him". THEN her parent (I didn't know who the parent was, but she was one that was sitting there watching this the whole time and did nothing) came over and told her not to hit. WTF??

I have a million examples of where I was in public and had to discipline other people's children for being mean, unsafe or aggressive because their parents wouldn't or made a BS half attempt.

My point is, if you are present, the girl does this, and the mother isn't around or does nothing, there is nothing wrong with you saying something to the child.

In every instance I have had to do this, the child has immediately stopped the behavior and not done it again (at least that I know of). The kids take it more seriously when an adult that is not a parent says something to them.

Considering how your daughter is, I do think in this case you should say something to the school. I would hate to see your daughter get in trouble for this.

When my kids were 7 I had not problem just walking up to the problem kids and telling them that *I* did not like how they were behaving with *my* child, and they needed to stop actions A, B or C (assuming I had first hand knowledge; if my information was hearsay, I always started by asking for their verison of events, which is an education by itself). Sometimes it led into a long discussion where they tried to justify what they had done, and I had to amend my argument a bit, but we always ended up reaching an understanding.

It always worked. Maybe they were just so stunned that I had the gall to do that, I don't know, but it worked.

Not a single parent or teacher ever got mad at me for doing so. We have a right to defend our kids.

Side note: the above applies only with kids approximately 9 and under. Everything changes as they enter the tween years.

I wouldn't hesitate to go to the teacher to explain what happened, and let her know that she needs to be watching for conflict between the two at school, and that you expect her to intervene quickly and decisively before your daughter is pushed to acting out aggressively or a meltdown.

Me, I think I would go to both the teacher and parent, or better yet both at the same time. If the other mom was really meant it when she disciplined her daughter, I would think she would have no problem with a parent-parent-teacher conference. Cause really you have to work as a team, the teacher is the only of you three there during school hours, and she should be informed of such behavior, so she can nip it in the bud, or be on a lookout for it. The other mom should want to be there (i know if my child was bullying another kid, I would want to know) and I think the aggressive child would benefit from knowing that, that type of behavior will not be tolerated by parents nor teacher.

This is an interesting description. It seems to highlight something which may get forgotten in the bullying process, and may be why many people have no, or very limited, experience of bullying. During the formation of social peer groups some people get excluded, and that probably includes the people who go on to bully others. Over time, people who can dominate others will often acquire a small group, from others on the margins. Aggressive behaviour/bullying may, at least initially, just be another variation on really poor social skills - an attempt to make friends, however poorly executed. Which could explain why some people who stand up to a bully acquire a friend, since it is likely that bullies really want acceptance, just like everyone else.

People on the spectrum don't seem to have the ability to conform to peer pressure of any form, so, once excluded from the 'majority', ending up on the receiving end of constant bullying is not unusual - probably because the behaviour 'does not compute', and therefore we cannot, unaided, identify successful ways of counteracting it. And our responses 'do not compute' to bullies - so the cycles continue.

Anyway, that doesn't suggest what to do.

Obviously enlisting the help of any adults involved is a good idea, but as you say, you don't know if you can rely on that to be enough.

I don't know what your daughter's situation is, but can you help her to understand that the behaviour is wrong. It may seem strange, and perhaps not possible for her, but could she calmly say "Don't do that, I don't like it; if you do things I don't like, then I don't like you either." Could you suggest that she tries blowing back. Can you agree with both Grace and the teacher, that rather than be chased, she can move nearer to the teacher. What I mean is - are there any tools which you can teach her which will put her on an even basis with this other child?

Also, I have read that 'buddy systems' seem to be effective. Can you talk to the teacher and see if there are any especially kind and thoughtful children in the class (1 or 2 perhaps) who may be willing to buddy Grace. I don't mean enforced friends, but just a couple of kids who she might feel safe to approach and be near, before she gets into difficulties. It could be possible, with kind kids and adult explanations, to explicitly show Grace she has more options than being driven to anger and meltdown.

I don't think this girl is a true bully-the aggressive behavior she has can be dealt with quite easily by the NT children by walking away. However, my daughter is not verbal with this girl (she will become mute in tense situations)-she will grunt at her when the girl gets too "in her face" and the girl either sees that as weakness and persists or misunderstands it as a game-either way it provokes the girl. There are other girls in the class my daughter has known for years and she does quite well with them. She prefers to watch their social interactions from the outside, she becomes quite uncomfortable engaging actively in verbal or social interaction with them but the other girls are soft spoken and sweet and content to allow Grace to be in their group.

I have spoken to Grace about saying "I don't like that. Stop doing that" but she seems to freeze up in the moment and will only tense up, ball her hands into fists, and perhaps grumble at her. If I could just tell the girl that Grace would love to be her friend but she needs to stop aggressively touching her or getting in her face I think it would be better. I just have not had an opportunity to do this and didn't know if I should tell the teacher. I hate that it's just a big misunderstanding but we can't always be the meddling mothers. It's hard to know when to intervene and when to let things work themselves out.

This girl is just a very loud, boisterous, gregarious girl who is always bouncing around and being loud. It's just not a good match with Grace who is quite uncomfortable and confused by that sort of behavior.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to imply that the girl was a bully, or that Grace should be friends with her. I was 'thinking aloud' a bit, wondering if kids who get left out for being too aggresive might later resort to bullying in an attempt to have friends. I didn't get picked on until I was 9-10, and I never had any idea how to deal with it, because nothing about the situation made any sense to me - freezing up describes it well. Avoiding loud and boisterous people just becomes a way of life I suppose, since I still do that now, but when you're young situations don't always allow that option.

I didn't think you were implying tht she was a bully-I just wanted to clarify the situation. Hopefully I can coach my daughter on getting away from the girl or make it a point to always be present at social activites outside the school. They are going on a field trip this week and I am rearranging my schdule to go-I think it is important that she has the support and I can be there to intervene if necessary.

Thanks for your input-I appreciate your persepective.

That made me smile. I was a bit of meddling mother, as my first post no doubt let on. I still am, sometimes. But ... life will put you in check, when the time comes, as long as you are willing to hear it. Just as I have no trouble being a meddling advocate for my kids, I also feel that I have no trouble observing the little cues that tell me I'm about to make things worse, and need to stay out of it (since I saw them pretty much all the time when it came to my daughter, I feel comfortable that I really do see them ). The times I walked directly into the middle of situations with other children it was effective, and part of a positive educational experience for my kids and the other kids. The times I've wanted to meddle that would have made things worse ... the signals have been there, or someone has been there, to make me realize I have to stay out. We all have to learn to let go and let a few things run their course even when everything inside us screams, "fix it!! !" It can be a tough balance, but I don't think we should ever be so afraid of appearing to meddle that we don't even feel a situation out. Seriously, life will tell you if you are meddling.

What you are describing does sound like something you can effectively handle directly with the other child without being seen as meddling. I think it made a huge, positive difference for my AS child in elementary school that I DID get involved with the other kids.

If you talk to the teacher one suggestion might be to ask her to talk to all of the kids about respecting each other's personal space. I don't think that would be an unusual topic for kids your daughter's age. One good way for them to understand is to have them stand up, put their elbow against their belly with the forearm straight out - the distance from their body to the end of their finger tips is their personal space and other people should only come into that space if they are invited!

I wanted to bring this back up because it is still happening! I taught my daughter to hold her arm up straight and locked at the elbow when the girl tried to blow in her face. Yesterday she did this (hooray!) but the girl chopped my daughter's arm at the elbow and got right in her face anyway (evidently the teacher didn't see it). The girl thought the holding up of the arm in defense was "amusing" and it further provoked her. Now I wonder if I am left to talk to the teacher or the girl directly. Does everyone feel it would be ok to tell the girl to stop after school when I pick up my daughtr? Do her parents need to be present? This is really causing upset in my daughter and annoying me greatly.

I would start with the teacher, but expect the teacher to talk to the other girl immediately (like, that day)

I'm with Momsparkey on this one. It is OK to talk with the kid if you see it happen. Otherwise, go to the teacher.

If you re-read my previous posts in this thread, you'll know my answer. I would start with the child, particularly since you seem to "know" her. Just tell her that you are aware of what happened yesterday, you are NOT OKAY with it, and you expect her to take responsibility for her actions by NOT doing it again. Seriously, I did that once with a boy in 2nd grade and he looked at me as if I'd just given him a one hour lecture (it was only 30 seconds), and also NEVER did anything like that to my child again. The next time I confronted a child about something similar, 4th grade, he tried to explain it away telling me of the peer pressure he was under, and so on, and I emphasized with that, but also told him that he needed to take responsibility for HIS reactions. Both times these kids were supposed to "friends" of my child, and had been to our house, and so on. They didn't want me to think poorly of them; they did care that I was unhappy with what they had done. They get concerned you'll tell their parent or a teacher what they did, and they'll be in even deeper trouble, but my simple answer was, "if you don't ever do it again, I don't see why I need to get you in trouble with anyone else." I don't know, they kind of liked that, to be in control of how far their bad behavior got known.

Not that I would vote against talking to the teacher. If you have an observant teacher, they are the one who should take care of it. But we always had situations that the kids knew were outside of the teacher's view, and most likely to stay that way, and shoot I'm just not that patient

The problem I have with going to the student when you didn't see what happened, is that you only have your daughters "take" on what happened and what upset her. When my child comes home to tell me something like that happened, I have learned that sometimes his perspective was limited, and more imformation is important.

Being that we are in 5th grade (and I have a 10th grader NT guy), I have been through this stuff. I don't hesitate to talk straight to the kids, but I want all the facts 1st.