What age should I start giving him more independence

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Im having real problems getting my son to shower himself, he is 8.5 which I know is still young but I feel he should be getting to grips with personal hygiene? I would still make sure he washed and dried properly but am I expecting this too young? He really kicks off but im not sure if thats just because we always do everything for him plus he has a full time one to one at school. Im really working on letting him go a little and do stuff for himself. What do your as kids do without you as I feel Ive done too much, and im on him for everthing, thanks.

I think that you start now, and you just incrementally give him very small steps to do independently.

For example, if you are used to helping him all the way through the showering process, you can now start saying that he is responsible for washing his hair by himself. At first he's in charge of how much shampoo he uses and suds up while you watch. THEN, if you feel comfortable, actually step away when he is shampooing his hair. Of course, there may be MUCH more shampoo being used than you would like to admit, BUT it's a great tradeoff -- a little extra money paid for shampoo, a little less time overseeing showers!

We've done this sort of thing, incrementally, over the years. I can verify that it does get better -- my son is 14 years old, and does all of his hygiene by himself. This wasn't the case early on. If I remember correctly, we really talked up how cool it was to do things independently, and he got the idea that he was shooting for being as free from parents (and aides) as much as possible. I think giving him the idea that independence is the goal is even better than actually getting him to bathe independently -- because overall general independence is such a far-reaching concept that will help him as he matures.

I'm always a little puzzled by this particular problem, my parents couldn't get me OUT of the bath. I had plastic sea creatures and submarines and scuba divers and would entertain myself until I was a human prune. When I switched to showers, I wouldn't get out until the water went ice cold. In those days having to have assistance bathing at that age would have been as embarrassing as bed wetting or not being able to toilet alone. Maybe he just needs to be reminded that only babies need their mommies and daddies to make sure they're clean and big people do it themselves without help or reminders. He may prefer a bath to a shower, and if you can scare up a fun bath toy that is not available for play at any other time, that might provide an incentive.

The answer to your question in the title is that there is no answer. At least, when it comes to an AS child. It seems to me that our kids have staked out a developmental path that is all their own, and no matter how hard you push, you aren't going to change it.

My son is 13 and has only been showering mostly unassisted for about a year. I still every so often drag him back in and wash his hair in the sink for him, however, because he's gone too many days in a row "forgetting" or short cutting that step. He simply does not care, although he has accepted that the rest of us most certainly do care, and that he must do his best to avoid mommy washing his hair in the sink (which he does not like, but it isn't a major stress deal, either).

So, you nudge, you give opportunities, you encourage and you teach. For some things, you may have to push or get creative, simply because it gets too weird to offer too much help, but even then you'll wonder if you've done the right thing, because you've still got to hold up the whole structure every. single. time. If you are battling too hard and it's making you pull your hair out, the easy answer is that the child simply is not ready, and you step back, and go back to doing it for him like you always have.

Most of these skills do eventually get acquired, I am pleased to say. I think there are a few things my son may struggle with all his life, but most of the really important stuff he is getting. Just ... totally on his own unique time frame.

I needed help with showering for a long time too. I'll probably always have problems with hygiene, albeit more minor than they were when I was a kid.

I like the advice given so far, it is excellent.
With four boys, three on the spectrum, they are all individuals, one was like the poster that stated you couldn't get him out of the bath or the shower, we honestly considered putting a timer on the hot water tank so the rest of us could also have a hot shower in the mornings.
The NT seemed to pick things up easily, got himself presentable every day without any effort I can remember on our part.
The last two were more of an effort.
After some of the tips that were given such as gradually giving them more responsibility for more of the routine, we also gave the requirements that 5 out of 7 days had to include full showers or baths, they could choose from there. Also, they got to choose bath or shower but hair had to be washed as well as body.
I did find that as they got into middle school and high school that they took more care as part of wanting to try to fit in better with their peers. One of them realized fairly quickly that if he smelled really good, some of the girls at school liked to hug him which brought it's own issues

I think five is an ok age to start teaching him independence because pretty soon he will be oging to school and will have to take care of his own possessions. I know as a child I was about 5 when I started showering or bathing on my own. I like the idea of a bath toy and telling him he is a big boy now.