Advice from other mothers on a situation with my mom?

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I'm not sure if this is the appropriate forum for this, but I thought I might get better advice from you guys here than on some of the other forums ...

My mother tends to be impractical when it comes to money and has had financial problems for as long as I can remember. I don't make much money at all (my salary is about the same as my mother's, actually), but I have always been stable financially just because I'm frugal and live within my means.

I've made small loans to my mother on a few occasions to bail her out and ended up doing the same recently because she had a $250 phone/internet bill she could not pay and her phone service was about to be cut off. I wanted her to be able to have phone service, since she lives in a very rural area and needs it in case of an emergency, so I had no problem with loaning her the money. She misinterpreted me and thought it was a gift, not a loan, though. I ended up letting it go because I wasn't sure what to say and didn't want to embarrass her.

Now I'm really irritated, though, because she has not been returning my calls. She isn't always good about returning calls and on the rare occasions when we make plans, she tends to cancel at the last minute. (Like last Christmas, for example, when she decided to call an hour before I was about to serve dinner and tell me she and my brother were not coming because she didn't feel like making the half-hour drive to my place). That tends to be hurtful and make me angry, but when I just paid her rather large phone bill and she won't even pick up the phone for me, it's a bit worse.

I've about had it with her and honestly was thinking about canceling the check I wrote for the phone bill before it clears, but know that'll just make things worse. I feel like I should talk to her (if I can ever get her on the phone), but am not sure how to bring up the situation without really upsetting her. I tend to be very blunt and she tends to be very defensive, so that's not a good combination. How can I address the situation in a tactful way? Also, am I overreacting here?

Now days there is no reason to have that type of phone / internet bill. We have unlimited phone calls anywhere in the world, at any time for about $25.00 a month (Vonage). The unlimited internet costs about the same. Both can be had through your cable or satellite service (broadband).

Now, having said that...I know your question is broader. First...I would just think of it as just one of many things I owe my mother, as I had given her times of grief...and she had forgiven me.

For longer term solutions...try automatic bill paying - and access through the internet - most banks offer it. What she has left will be less crucial. Have a schedule and budget set up for her....even if a jar for each expenditure...anything to prioritize spending.

Your mother may be going through rough times right now...not knowing more...I would say to try to directly help with the obvious problems...and not worry so much about the small ones. Just plan for small disappointments with her (not showing up)...work on the big ones.

She may be depressed for unknown (to you) situational reasons....or hormonal.

Sorry I couldn't give you more information.

I would write her a letter. I would tell her important she is to you and because of that, your feelings get hurt when you feel "not considered".

With regard to the money stuff...Well, I think you need to learn to live with it. She's probably not going to change now. When I say learn to live with it, I don't mean for you to just keep paying. What I mean is, figure out how to handle these situations. If you want to help her out, you need to learn to articulate the terms you are comfortable with, clearly. (I can't afford to gift you the money, but I can spot you a loan until the 1st) If you don't want to help out (considering you are 27, she's probably still pretty young), you need to practice "I wish I could" (which is probably not a lie - don't you wish you had unlimited funds and could give without feeling it?), and stick to it. Trust that your mom made it this far in the world, and will figure out solutions to her problems eventually.

if your mom is having trouble paying bills and not showing up for important dates there might be something going on other than being irresponsible. it's too bad that you have to deal with this. it's not your responsibility to bail out your mom and if you keep doing it she will come to depend on you to do it and won't put in the effort to be more careful with her money. still, try to be patient with her she is your mother. i would probably let the money you already gave her slide and make sure it's obvious in the future that any money is a loan not a gift. if she borrows money and wants more again before she paid you back don't lend it to her.

Yes, that's the thing. I sometimes wonder if she might not have some Asperger's traits herself. She tends to be rather impulsive and not think through things. Also, she sometimes spends way too much money on things she's obsessing over at a given time. For example, she was obsessed with a band for a few years and spent ridiculous amount of money (ridiculous in my opinion, at least) on band memorabilia and concert tickets, while not having money for more basic needs. I now wonder if that was her being extravagent or her indulging a special interest.

Also, she had me and was married when my parents were both just out of high school and was a stay-at-home mother for many years. I'm not sure that anyone really taught either of them how to make a budget. My father passed away a few years ago, but I've tried talking with my mom about budgeting skills, like Kuma suggested. I was told I was nagging her, though.

I work in social services and am used to helping out people in need, so it's hard to turn off that switch when it comes to my own mother. I think you and Kailuamom are right, though, I need to set boundaries and stick to them.

I don't think you're overreacting at all. The no show on Christmas would have upset me quite a bit, even more so than the money.

I have some family members that are like this. They'll spend money on ridiculous crap while they're 2 months behind on rent and facing eviction. In the past, we've helped them out when we could, but it was usually without so much as a thank you. We've since stopped (mostly because we can't afford to help anymore) and their situation hasn't changed at all.

At the risk of sounding like Dr. Phil, you don't solve money problems with money. Not in situations like these anyway. Whether you give her money or not, it's probably not going to make much of a difference, except in your own wallet. I'm not so good with tact myself, but I liked the letter idea. When I was having trouble with my mother of a similar nature, I wrote her a letter because it gave me time to carefully choose my words. My goal was not to hurt her, but to have her understand how her actions were hurting my feelings. I don't think she enjoyed reading it, but she definitely had a better understanding of where I was coming from and I think it helped our relationship.

I would never loan money to a family member. Well, I might for something really big, given that they all have excellent track records, but then I'd want legal documents on it. It is always a gift, that they have the choice to repay.

But the poster is right that it isn't about money. It's about choices and the dynamics between you. To change those dynamics, next time your mother is in need, don't offer her money, offer her a solution. With the phone bill, you go over to her house and review the bills, and decide on an offer you are comfortable with, and then present it. An offer might be, "You have a phone plan you cannot afford. As an early Christmas present, I will buy you a prepaid phone for emergency use, and I'll restock the card twice a year (or whatever you feel is appropriate). I don't want to have to worry about you mom, but I can't afford to rescue you when you make bad financial bad choices, either. I love you and I don't want money coming between us, and this is what I think is the most practical solution."

She'll react defensively at first, because you've just reduced her ability to make choices, but, you know, when someone consistently makes bad choices, they should loose some of that ability. Let her credit take the hit; it's her credit, not yours. Just because someone is a parent doesn't make them immune from the occasional need for a little tougher love.

My father never offered hand outs. He offered assistance, and he offered gifts, but as the man with the money, he remained in control of the terms. A situation, I may add, that made me not want to need his money, but isn't that how it should be?

She may actually realize that the money wasn't intended as a gift and she may be feeling some guilt or shame over her inability to handle her finances and be avoiding your calls for this reason. She may feel uncomfortable in the role she finds herself in, where you are acting like the more responsible "parent-like" person in the relationship.
You mention in a later post that your father died fairly recently. I'm wondering if the pattern of cancelling last minute occurred as frequently prior to his death or if this might be a symptom of depression on her part since his death?

I have my own personal rules about lending money. I don't lend money I cannot afford to lend. I don't lend money I need to get back. I assume, even if it is made clear it is a loan, that I will never get it back. This attitude came from realizing that most people just don't pay people back. This attitude keeps me from getting into situations where I am hurting myself financially in order to help another person. I only give 'gifts'. I do not give loans.

Personally, in part because of the above attitude, I would not expect my mother to pay me back. IMO, my mom gave me life, and if I can ever afford to help her out I would, with no expectations.

My mother is mentally disabled and on state assistance, so I know that probably affects my attitude too. Sounds like your mom should be financially stable, but isn't because of her financial irresponsiblity. I assume you have children, so you really do need your money more than she does.

I think you should let it go and not lend her money again or not lend her money you cannot afford to give away. Maybe keep money out of your relationship.

Also, I am so used to my mom being unstable that it doesn't bother me much that she blows me off. Again, I know it is a different situation. But my general attitude is that I just appreciate what she does for me and with me, the time I do get to spend with her. I had to change my attitude to stop from getting hurt; it was change my attitude of be perpetually hurt and ticked off.

Just what I was thinking.

I would also write her the letter. And I would explain to her that the bill you just paid was the last bail-out you can offer her. I know how hard it is to stop helping someone you love financially, but based on her treatment of you it sounds like it's more expected than appreciated. Your purpose in life is not to support your mother's bad decisions.

It might not be a bad idea to go and visit her and help her look at where she can lower her bills if she would be willing. She may not be though - like number5 I know plenty of people who even facing foreclosure on their home were unwilling to cut foolish expenditures. That phone bill is totally ridiculous too, but I would imagine she ignored it for a while.