Traumatized

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Hello
I wanted to get some advice to help with some of Maddy's (the Autistic Princess) new difficulties. Ill just put one situation up today because it is long and complicated. The move from California to France this past August has been hard on her (all of us actually). She has been traumatized a few weeks ago when my husbands parents were visiting. I dont want anyone to think my father in law is a horrible person but he is the cause of the recent trauma. I wasnt feeling well and was lying down and my husband was in the other room speaking to his Mother (my in laws speak little to no English and I speak very little French). Maddy was out in the kitchen with my Father-in-law. She got a glass, filled it with water and tried to put it in the fridge. It fell and broke and my Father in law started yelling at Maddy. Of course she completely freaked out and with all the glass breaking, yelling and screaming we all ran into the kitchen. My husband scooped up Maddy and we took her down to our bedroom because my Mother in Law started yelling at my Father in law for yelling at Maddy (sounds fun, huh?). It took me over an hour to calm her down and now every time something spills or she drops something she goes back into this terror mode. I know that my Father In law felt bad at the time but I dont know if he knows how much this little incident has affected her. My husbands parents know very little about autism (his mom more than his dad because she took the time to learn a bit). They have never been around Maddy until now so they dont know any better. I also feel bad because I should have been watching her because she can not be left alone as she is more like a 2 year old than a 5 year old in that respect. So the question I have about all this is, should I have my husband tell my father in law what a serious problem this has caused or do you think that he should know better now (especially after being yelled at by my mother in law)? I just dont want anything like this to happen again. Not only is it harmful to her but if she is ever going to feel comfortable with her Grandparents then they need to learn how to treat her. They love both my kids are are so happy to be able to spend time with them but I know that they feel odd around Maddy because she is not affectionate and she reacts to things differently than they are accustomed to with their other grandchildren.
I know that I cant protect Maddy from everything but sometimes I wish I could. Sometimes I look at her and she seems so fragile to me. Also I understand her feelings as I was a lot like her when I was a child. When I see that terror in her eyes I know that feeling and people dont understand how one little thing can cause that and that she can carry that around for the rest of your life.
Any advice for this problem will be appreciated and if anyone has any ideas on how to help her handle this type of stress. We constantly reassure her when ever something breaks, spills or drops but she is still having the same reaction.

Sorry Maddy is upset - quite understandable though, given the circumstances.

Would your father-in-law consider apologising to Maddy? IMO (in confidence to you, liloleme), I think your father-in-law's actions are way over-the-top. Regardless that your daughter is an Autist - - what I mean is, for an adult to scold a little child for simply dropping a glass of water (which could happen to anybody!) is harsh. Of course, maybe he simply over-reacted; an isolated incident. But, maybe you could watch out for Maddy around him....just in case. Some individuals are hot-tempered (which is OK), but Maddy hardly knows him. Plus, given her 'condition,' that's just too much.

I do not mean to be presumptous here, just stating the case. In actuality, over time, they may become better acquainted and get along better.

Separately, enjoy France!

First of all, I think that your husband would be the one who understands his parents better, who could say how much the severity of this incident needed to be emphasised to his father.

Beyond that - they need to learn that they are as alien to Maddy as she is to them. I just figured out AS explains every odd thing in my life this year, and I've been thinking back. Yes, I developed "theory of mind" late. Was this because I was a selfish jerk? No, it was because the people around me made no sense at all. They were like those maddening characters in a video game who go through the same steps, over and over, until you figure out what you're supposed to do to get another response from them. Actually, the first creature I ever figured out was an independent being with their own thoughts and feelings was a cat. (I was five then, about Maddy's age. It took me eight more years to figure out the same thing about any human.) NTs are alien to me; I have just as much trouble reading them as they have reading me. They need to understand that one of the reason she is the way she is with them is because they make her as uncomfortable as she makes them - maybe more so.

Until the NT world learns to meet us on equal terms, instead of expecting us to figure them out, act the way they expect, and throw away everything we are, we will always have problems like this. Our problem is not a "disorder", it is a fundamental difference the rest of the world refuses to respect or acknowledge. Then they wonder why we have problems?

I'm sorry if I sound upset. I am. Not at you, not necessarily even at Maddy's grandfather. (We all react in ways we regret later.) But the whole regime of standardised education, "professionals" who have no understanding of what it is like in here, only what they can see from the outside, and all the rest of it combine to keep us oppressed in ways they don't even understand they're doing. It is as natural to them as "keeping the {black people} down" was to a US Southerner a hundred years ago. How can I expect individuals to "get it" when all the organised machinery of society so stubbornly refuses to?

And when I think of more kids, growing up in an alien world that tries to force them to fit its standards, it makes me literally sick. I hope things will get better, soon, for Maddy's sake and for all the others like her.

I agree with you Lab Pet that my husbands father should not yell at a child for an accident. I know he was not a really good Father to my husband and his brothers, but he is not a "mean" man. He is just of the "old school" parenting. My husbands parents are much older, they are in their early 70s. To tell the truth I dont like having him around my kids but then I dont like having many people around me or my kids. My own Father is like my husbands, yelling about stupid things. I was always terrified of my Father growing up and as a teen was very angry with him. Having Asperger's myself it makes me more sensitive to what she is feeling and my other kids who have Autism. My husband loves his parents and I know that they really loves us and they have been away from my husband and Grandchildren for a very long time. However if I had my selfish way I would not have them come visit....and it makes me feel very selfish to say that as they have helped us so much. Its just serious sensory overload for me and Luc and Maddy to have "strangers" in our house....especially ones who do not understand our fragile systems. Its not that I dont want the kids to see them but because they live about 8 hours from us they come and stay here in the house. When we first moved here they stayed for two and a half weeks....I was ready to have a serious meltdown! This last time they came to help cut the shrubs and his Mom wanted to help me out (she is such a sweet woman she has rheumatoid arthritis, many joints surgically replaced, and has survived breast cancer and she wants to come and help me). They stayed for a bit over a week. I wouldnt mind if it was only my husbands Mom nearly as much as I mind having his Dad here. Again, I feel very selfish....if it was just to protect my kids it would be one thing but its also to protect myself. Being married I know that I have to give a bit and my husband understands me so he gives too.
My husbands brothers leave their kids with his parents to go on vacations or just to visit and his Mom wanted the same for our kids. As much as I would love to be alone with my husband for a short vacation I could not leave my kids with his parents. Most people say that I am too overprotective but I think its only because I can so closely relate to my children and their stress and feelings. I wish I was able to explain the feelings we have so other people would understand but I cant. Typically when I try to explain to people how we feel around others they get offended.
To theWanderer, before I was diagnosed I used to try so hard to fit into the NT world and I spent all my time trying to hide my differences and be like them but I was a horrible failure and constantly beat myself up for it. There are still a large part of society that feels that we should learn to fit in but I agree wholeheartedly with you that they should have to meet us halfway and accept that we are different and try to understand.

Lilolme, I totally understand how you are feeling, and I am NT. My husband tends to really over-react to silly things, like spilling stuff on the floor, or dropping food on the table. I think he has some AS tendencies, because he is always worried about whether my son gets food on his clothes! For heaven's sake, he is 5 yrs old, and I can wash them, and to begin with they were probably hand me downs from my nephew anyway! I don't think my husband means to over-react, but sometimes things my son does just catch him off guard or surprise him. I bet this is what happened to your Father in law. My son sounds exactly like Maddy. He gets SO upset if he feels he has done something wrong, and to accidentally drop something when you are a child, (especially an Autie) is NOT WRONG. So I totally understand how Maddy feels. Maybe you can just keep talking to her about it, and tell her that what she did was not wrong, but that it just surprised Grandpa, and he did not mean to yell at her.

Also, I think your husband should keep trying to explain to his parents that Maddy and Luc are NOT like the other grandchildren, but with time and patience, they may be able to warm up to them. Maybe if they can just accept them on their terms, they can get along better. I think that your husband should explain, that they are just very sensitive children, and let them know that he is not upset with them, but wants to help them understand his children and you better.

I know how you feel about wanting to protect Maddy from everything. My son is 5, and is my only one, and I know I am overprotective. But he is not the SAME as other 5 yr olds, so I try my best to give him some independence and help him to learn things, but at the same time, he needs a little extra guidance. My son gets upset when we are out somewhere and another mother is yelling at her child. He thinks HE is getting in trouble. I just keep talking to him and trying to reassure him that he is not the one in trouble. I grew up with a single mother too, so for me to hear a man yelling in the house is very disturbing to me as well. I can see why Maddy is so upset. But, hopefully, over time, if your father in law is just very gentle with here, MAYBE, she can warm up to him.

Hang in there. I know dealing with family is tough, especially when they don't fully understand.

I think your husband should reinforce, very calmly, with his father that he must refrain from raising his voice with the children. Really he should not ever REACT to their actions/behaviors in any big way. He needs to understand that it is OK to RESPOND calmly and thoughfully but don't fly off the handle with them. It might help him understand if you gave him a specific example - instead of yelling at Maddy for dropping the glass, he could respond with concern by removing her from the danger of the broken glass or asking her to be still until you or your husband could come in and pick her up. Her safety should have been his first thought not the broken glass.

That's an interesting situation. Your father-in-law was clearly wrong to yell at a child for a common accident. But as your child grows, she will be exposed to more bad behavior like this.

When my daughter was young she was uncomfortable around relatives, because they were really strangers to her, yet they presumed a familiarity that made her very uncomfortable. As she matured (10-12 years old) she developed some understanding of their connection to her and has come to treasure these links.

Thanks for sharing your videos. Frankly, she looks great and I would never underestimate her ability.

Thank you all for you input and suggestions. My husband thinks its a good idea to try to "gently" teach my Father in law how to interact with Maddy. I know that I can seem to make a bit deal out of a little thing but to her it is a big thing. This type of fear can be very powerful and can cause very serious problems. I dont want my daughter to have fear in a place (our home) that should be a haven for her.
Alien_Papa I never underestimate Maddy's abilities as a matter of fact I expect great things from her. She is not only very intelligent but she has strong problem solving abilities. When she wants something she finds a way to get it...even before she could talk she would find ways to get what she wanted, by herself! She also has an ear for music she sings and loves musical instruments. I actually have a video of her playing my brothers drums when we visited him this past summer that I will put up. Also, as you can see in the latest video she is quite the artist.

As your father in-law likely will not repeat his behavior, and he cannot change the past, I don't think there is a point to tell him how much trauma this has caused. It will not fix the situation and may just strain his relationship with the family. Instead, your husband needs to insist his parents become educated about Maddy's needs and how to interact with her.

Not a parent, but felt I needed to chime-in:

When I was about 3, I was at a family picnic and was minding my own business contemplating the cracks in the patio when my grandfather decided to pull a joke. He filled a paper plate with whipped cream and smushed it into my face when I stood up. I was horrified and confused. I didn't understand why he would do such a thing, so I just stood there and stared at the ground with cream on my face, wishing I was somewhere else.

From that point on, I never trusted him again. I wouldn't kiss him. I would not stand too close to him. I wouldn't initiate conversations with him even after I got older. He officially got put on my, "Do NOT Call List." What I'm trying to say is that if her grandfather wants any kind of relationship with her, he had better be prepared to take her on her own terms.

^ Good point, XFilesGeek......I've thought about what liloleme & others wrote. Understood that the grandfather just over-reacted and maybe did not mean it. But Maddy is a child and therefore vulnerable. True, maybe he'll warm-up. I guess watch closely when she's with him - she does not deserve to be traumatized by an adult for what is outside of her control. There are boundaries. There are plenty of good people (adults) who simply 'don't get' what ASD is about and act in ways they'd not otherwise. Having another (i.e., liloleme) around is automatic accountability - very good!

I really think that her Grandpa should apologize to her, if he doesn't want her to be scared of him. Being on the spectrum myself, I know about the trust issues that come hand in hand with being on the spectrum. I've experienced such issues within my own family, and I'm still dealing with those issues at the age of 36. New trust issues crop up every year, and I'm tired of it.