The 24 yr old: help me interpret

Post Reply New Topic

As I attempt to learn, I come across situations I'm not sure howw to interpret.

His mom is moving in with me
- she'll nowbe an hour away, not 1300 miles

His mom has told him that
- during a phone call (mom to son), he announce he forgot (that she's moving down)

She thought it was funny thayt he forgot . . .

maybe I'm too analytical, but I'm 'concerned' as to why he forgot

I've learned aspies are honest, but do have a problem verbalizing feelings.
I sense relavance of information is important in the aspie's world .. .

So I wonder 'why' he forgot . . .to me, a family memeber moving is 'important'....

- maybe it is not important to him ?

- maybe it's the moving in with 'me' that he does not like, but does not feel comortable telling that to his mom. I am having a hard tme determning if he accepts me, I think he does....
I'm not sure, though, if he likesme trying to slow her down ,a little,in her caretaking of him ( I'm trying to get him to say 'please' or 'would you' rather than just tell her what he wants her to do (and she does it)

- maybe he's not happy with her being "that" close
- - it was his idea, desire, to move ( to a warmer climate)
- - - ( and be away from mom ?)

- maybe he's concerned I'm taking her away from him ?
- - when she does visit,he askes her to stay longer to make airfare worth it.

Thank you

If he says he forgot, it probably just means that he actually forgot, for however brief a time period. I'm 38 and my Mom tells me stuff all the time that I forget. I only ever half listen to her anyway, and if it doesn't affect me directly, immediately and significantly, I often forget until it becomes relevant to me. Don't read so much into it.

Oh, and just as an aside... trying to enforce boundaries on an adult male on behalf of his mother won't work. She needs to enforce those boundaries (please, would you, etc.) herself or he may end up resenting you for inserting yourself where he might feel you don't belong. If you are concerned about her well being in their relationship, the best approach would be to encourage her to set those boundaries for herself, otherwise you may end up driving a wedge between her and her son... and cause more harm than good. And in case you still want to force the issue, keep in mind that it's highly unlikely that you will come out the victor in that situation.

He sounds scatterbrained. So am I. Meh.

I struggled to understand that.

His mom is moving in with you? But she'll be an hour away from you? Does not compute. And I struggled to understand the rest of it. Is English your second language or something, because a lot of that was incomprehensible. Sorry.

If you try to rephrase the problem in simple terms, then maybe people can understand you and maybe people can help advise.

If he says he forgot, he most likely did. I forget lots of things that are fairly important, and remember lots of random things that aren't important in the least way. I also tend to put things out of my mind until they're somewhat close in terms of time. It really has to do with whether a fact is "relevant" to me. By relevant, I mean there are two kinds of information, information that requires some action by me and information that doesn't. I have a hard enough time remembering the things I have to do, the other stuff just gets discarded. This doesn't explain how I remember television shows or random history and science facts, though. Put simply, my brain doesn't prioritize information all that well. As someone pointed out, the AS may be a culprit here.

I will 'clarify' some info:

English is my native tongue, I just type out information poorly ( on a mini comp & mini keyboard, and can't 'type')

Mom live 1,300 miles away from son

I live about 60 miles from son
Mom and I are becomming one, she is moving here.

- - - - -

I know I must becareful how I insert my 'direction' to him & her . . .
However, I also feel:
- he soulod have some 'basic' mannors . . please and thank you, so to speak.
- I'm trying to help the mom learn, so to speak
- - she responds to his ( as I see them) orders . . .
- - she needs to help him 'learn' please and thank yous
- - it will help him to find friends
- - I am still learning about aspies, but what I see, and perceive of this 24 year old, I feel he should have by now at least place a 'request' (please, would you, type of statement) , then a "thank you" when the request has been addressed. I have gotten him to do that with me.
Like it or not, he will need 'please & thank you' when dealing with people other than his mom.

- Oh, I thnk /feel (from my own life experience) why she 'caretakes / enables' him : she is hoping one day, he will respond to her the way she sees other children respond to their mom.
She's probably been waiting a long time for the mommy-child hug . . .and 'just does' things hoping now I'll get to be in his attention field, rather than only when he hs a moment to spare from is 'concentration center' ( his games) . . .I klnow that feelig of being 'second in line' to someone you love . . .

- - - -

as for memory stuff....I'm way off in the other direction: I can draw the floor plan of a house I have not lived in since 1954 (3rd grade of school) . . my memory is like a photo album,,,as an example : I can see a paragrah of words that contain the information I'm after,,,it is on the left side of a page, 2nd paragraph down,about 1/4 of the way thru the book, the book cover is(color), etc, etc
This can also be a curse: painful memories are there too . . .

- - -
From y'alls responses, I think not only 'relavance' but 'relavent now ' is part of the 'processing'of input; and if his is interrupting his game(or was interrupted by mom's call) - then the infomation about her moving is not relavent to his remembering 'where he is, what he's going to do next' in his game....I'm trying to say : info about mom moving may be important, it is just not important'now',so it may be placed in the back of the mental file cabinet . . .lost under other 'papers' so to speak. And this is not 'unique' to aspies, it happens to me too,,,,but then I write it off as " I'm old" LOL oh, I'm 62 ,years

Thank You for all your help inmy education,

have safe, healthy holidays . . .
Merry Christmas

Well I think because you are around the same age as his mother, 62, she might be moving in because she does not want to be replaced. Mothers go nuts about their child dating someone old enough to be their child's mother.

I wish I had a photographic memory...would make drawing easier. As far as forgetting, his mind was probably focused on something else when she said it. The autistic memory can sometimes be like a computer with a bad filing system in where information is stored in the wrong folder and cant be retrieved when needed.

I dont think she expects him to have manners because he has AS and she just thinks that is the way it is and never pushed him on the issue. She seems like a very passive mother who does not push him past what is comfortable. It is probably easier to "obey" her son than to challenge roles that have been in place a long time.

Jojo

AS and other disabilities aside, we decide how we allow people to treat us. I think it's not unreasonable to be clear about your expectations and to have some sort of follow-through if they aren't met - but keep in mind that this may have other consequences for you. You may want this young man to behave a certain way, but ultimately he is in control of his actions - your choices may be reduced to: behave in my presence (and I will help you do so,) or don't be in it.

We have told my son that we expect requests to be in the form of a question using the word please. Since this has been made clear (a very important first step,) we handle demands by calmly restating whatever it is, and then he doesn't get what he demanded until he repeats the restatement - for instance DS: "gimme a cookie!" Me: "I would like a cookie, please" (DS looks angry, squirms, and eventually shouts) "I would LIKE a COOKIE PLEASE!" (We've decided that tone is for another time.)

Sometimes instead of restating, I will say "so, what do you need to do to get a cookie?" Occasionally he will look confused, in which case I will say "Don't you need to ask politely and say please to get what you want?"

This means that we spend a LOT of time quietly waiting. It isn't stubbornness - it takes time for my son to process things.

Thank you . . .

I feel as though I have not done wrong when I 'remind' him, in a gentle tone of voice,about "please...".

I hope for the mom to see and follow my example . . .now & then, I feel she is 'tired' (?) of beig 'ordered' . ..I 'think' she's afraid if she pushes any at all, she'll loose what little 'visible, vocal, tactile' signs of affection there are . . .

I can be kinda bossy with my mom too. I dont mean to be this way...sometimes I think it is the more dirrect approach. I would not love her any less if she expected me to ask instead of tell.
Sometimes I do ask, but other times I just get impulsive.

We all, aspie or NT, get impulsive now & then . . .

My upbringing almost mandated a please & thank you; otherwise you were 'ingnored' . . .yea, I could tell I was 'heard', but until a please or would you , etc was added, the request was not acknowledge.

A different question:

When we ( hismom andme) visit him . . .I would like to request of the mom:
- we will walk to him
- we will say a verbal Hi,or Hello . . .
- that she not rub , pat hug, etc until he acknowleges her presence
She will be huggen, patten, rubben back, and he 'seems' to be oblivious to this.
I' sure he fells the tacticle iinterface, and maybe has some'emotion'.
BUT he doesn't interrupt his concentratin for a long time, that is, it can be many many
minutes ( more than 5) before he spare a hand to pat her in the back, or a hand wave to me.
(NT sarcasim here, ->) Heaven forbid, he stand up and give her a hug !

I understand the issues of breaking concentration, etc....but ( \supposely) he is lonely,and until he 'at least' quickly ( no more that 15 - 20 seconds) acknowleges the presence of someone that speaks to him . .he will continue to be alone...unless the person 'knows he's aspie ' or can 'assume - based on his 'intent look' that he might be...

I've overheard him try to conduct business over the phone. "telling " the other person what to do, rather than saying what he would like the otherr person to do is why the other person becomes uncooperative. . . .But I'm not sure how to tell him : No, the other person is not stupid, they not a jerk . . .it is because how you speak to them....

He has now & them "tell me how I should cook something" -> 'You should cook it this way", I feel he is attempting to inform me of his personal preference. I have 'discussed' with him how to better word your personal preference for seasonng, doneness, etc. I'm sure we will have these kinds of discussions again.

I am a very 'patient with people' person . .once I know & why I have to be patient.
. . however, I have litle patience for %$##@%% computers ! LOL
Thank you one and all for helping me know and understand.