Not sure how to handle “immature?” son?

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My 10 year old has started to tell me that he is made fun of a lot for the things that he likes. Since I am on the spectrum, I probably raise my children differently than the norm. I have never judged them in regards to what their interests are, or liking things that do not conform to their gender roles. I let my youngest (he was 4) dress up as a witch once on Halloween, His favorite color is pink (his kindergarten classmates make fun of him for that), all my boys like to make jewelry and are very attached to stuffed animals and such.

My problem is that my 10 year old really likes Mario, well all video games, but I have always let him wear Mario shirts to school. Now kids are starting to make fun of him if he wears them. Is he immature for wearing those clothes? He has made bracelets at home, not girly ones, and he gets made fun if he wears them. I always admired that my boys were so independent and didn’t care what others thought. I’m just starting to think it is my fault that my boys get bullied because I have not taught them what is considered gender or age appropriate. I mean honestly, the average 10 year old I see now, has a cell phone, is on Facebook, is trying to date, is doing ridiculous things to their hair, is worried about their clothes etc. My son doesn’t care much about what he wears, I do not let him own a cell phone, he is not trying to date girls, and only moderately cares about his hair. He would rather play games, hang out with me, cuddle with stuffed animals, and focus on his studies. He thinks about college all the time and is an excellent student.

Is my son immature?
Should I be molding my kids to follow the crowd just so they have friends and do not get made fun of?
I just don’t agree that kids this young should be on cell phones and Facebook and worried about everything others think. They have years to do all that, but only a short time to be a child.

I see adults wearing cartoon and video game T shirts. I was harassed for my intrests as a kid but I never gave them up. Kids will bully other kids for anything they can. I'd pull your son out and homeschool him.

He is only 10 and will grow up soon enough. I don't think he is being immature he is just being a child.

My 11 year old son (AS/ADD) is hyper focused on all things Star Wars but thats ok, so is his dad ':lol:'. He gets a lot of hassle in school for not being sporty but he doesn't let it bother him. Your son sounds alot like him too, a very cuddly and gentle child. I would only be concerned if your son is becoming upset. As punkykat says "kids will bully other kids for anything they can" - maybe let him wear his mario stuff at home so as not to draw attention to himself at school??

BTW my kids do not use cell phones or social net worksites either and they have no interest in them.

First off, let me state that I know a certain 15 year old who likes Pokémon and has posters of them in his room. He also has all the films and can tell exactly what happens in which one. I think it's great, but his peers think otherwise... as they consider Pokémon something for elementary school. Don't know if he's on the spectrum, but I wouldn't be surprised.

With your son, there's a little problem here. You try to teach your children to not care what others think and follow their interests. Which is great in a perfect world, and is okay as it all works out. However, if they get out in the real world they're screwed. Other children will make fun of what they see as 'inappropriate' such as a boy liking the color pink or wearing a dress. That isn't a problem if your child doesn't care about being bullied, but otherwise your son needs to adapt to his surroundings.

Not being on Facebook and not owning a phone are things they can get away with. But if Mario is considered age-inappropriate for a 10 year-old then he's wearing a shirt that screams 'make fun of me!'. The same goes for bracelets if they are considered un-cool. Yes, I think it is cruel and not right. Problem is, you can't do much about it. That's the way it works at school, so the way to solve the problem is to avoid school. But realize what that would mean for your child socially.

Above all, I must state that it's not your fault that other kids do such things. Or to allow your kids to express themselves.

My mom always bought clothes that were not brand clothes, but also not too childish. Your kid doesn't have to be the coolest in the class, but he does need to avoid the un-cool stuff. They can do and wear the other stuff when they are not at school. Not the most ideal option, but it gets the problem fixed.

Sounds like a "teachable moment" in being true to oneself.

He is going to need the mental toughness to deal with the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune throughout his life.

If you are OK with his activities, and HE is OK with them, then that's really all that matters, correct?

SearchforSerenity
Your post does not indicate if he is upset with the fact that his peers make fun of him. I would suggest that you follow his lead. If the comments from the peers bother him then maybe it is time that you find out the more age appropriate, gender appropriate interests and help him involve himself in those. It should be utterly his choice though. If the other kids comment about his Mario shirts but he has no interest in getting rid of them, then let him continue with that choice. What a drab world it would be if we all just did what everyone else did in order to fit in.

Lots of good points and I'll repeat some in my overall perspective.

I don't think it is our job to "mold" our kids into being like other kids, but it IS our job to alert them when they make choices that will get them teased. What they do with that information is their choice. While we can all wish that all kids would respect individuality and never tease, that isn't realistic; children are still learning and testing these standards, and perfect acceptance doesn't happen. We can pay attention and try to discern the standards for our kids, and we can ask other parents when we're unsure. But only for the big rules; trying to help our kids become fashion plates is likely to backfire unless we have perfect fashion pitch ourselves (and I most certainly do not!).

So you encourage your son to save the Mario look for when he is home playing his games, or other "special" occasions, and encourage him to wear plain and simple blend-in clothes for school. If he says he doesn't care about the teasing because he likes what he likes, you congratulate him on his strong self-image and send him off with a wish and prayer.

As for the cell phone and facebook, the norm in our area is for cell phones to be given around middle school, and facebook access to be prohibited until high school. Talking to other moms can give you a feel for the norms and reasons in your area; and also a feel for when exceptions might be appropriate. I'm about to give my 10 year old daughter a cell phone even though we've always told her she has to wait another year because this winter both my husband and I will be working full time for the first time, and this will help us be more efficient with her activities and transportation. And she will know that; I do NOT want her belittling her friends over this. I expect her to tell them that the only reason Santa allowed her to have the phone was that he felt it would help her when both her parents were working so hard. The other kids that also have phones primarily are the ones with 2 full time working parents, so that will fit right in. There are always exceptions to the norms, of course, because each family is it's own unique unit and must make these choices based on the unique needs of that unit. A speech my kids have heard often

Don't make choices in the hopes they will help your kids at school because it doesn't really work. Last winter we added cable TV in part because the 10 year old said she felt left out not being able to watch and talk about certain TV shows. Did it change the conversations she could have with other kids? I suppose. Did it solve her social issues? No. It's been kind of a learning experience for all of us, and valuable in that way, so that at least next time I can point to this and she'll be able to agree that having what the Jones' have still doesn't make one a Jones.

Overall, you are going to find your AS child to be on his own unique social maturity path. In many ways, that will seem to be "behind" and kids will point it out to him. My son is kind of proud of it, actually, although the constant comments by even his friends is starting to wear on him. He knows the choice is his, and lately he's been feeling in a conundrum about it: be true to yourself and get teased a little, or lie to yourself and fit in better (maybe; he knows there is no guarantee on it / and, yes, he sees it as a form of lying, so it would be a really big sell out on a value to him). But, still, we're not talking Mario outfits here; he learned to compromise on the clothing long ago (he wears a simple classic look); but more teen hormone stuff and the like.

Anyway, go to run. Promised my son a Christmas shopping trip. He's got one gift left to pick out.

Why do kids with AS have to change and be someone else in order to not be bullied? If he dresses another way, his classmates will just find something else to bully him about.

I was wearing a T-shirt that had a picture of Sid from Flushed Away for two years between the ages 32 and 34, and I'm 36 now. I don't think it matters what people wear at any age, anymore. Kids will pick on each other for any reason. It's quite pathetic when you think about it.

kids always go for the odd one in the crowd, and its usually aspies
my parents weren't encouraging of my strangeness as a kid, and I see why, I mean I was bullied but I didn't like anything out of the ordinary
teaching someone to be themselves only goes so far, if they begin to become alienated because of it then it is going to do more harm then good (they might feel they are directly the reason they are being bullied)
its nice to say "oh I want him to be himself and happy" or "why should AS kids change"
bottom line is, its an NT world, and they don't generally change just because we want them too.
I've learned a lot about people going threw school, trying to conform, it will be easier in the long run not to have the kid stick out like a sore thumb

Your son sounds wonderful. Frankly, he sounds more mature than the children who are picking on him. Please, let him be whatever he wants to be. It is definitely not your fault if the other children treat him poorly - he is different (and I would say better, but opinions range far and wide, I'm sure), and people don't handle "different" well. But he sounds like he is already far better prepared for the life lessons he would otherwise have to wait years yet to learn - lessons about working hard, planning for the future, and that on the list of life priorities, your shirt choice falls pretty low.

That said, here's an addendum: if he likes Mario, let him wear it proudly! There's nothing wrong with that, and it's not like Mario is a kids' game. I was playing it a few weeks ago. I have shirts that pertain to my interests (mostly science fiction). I'm sure everyone else does, too.

I'm wearing a Mario t-shirt *right now* ... and I'm 33 (and I don't think I personally know any man under the age of 40 who doesn't like Super Mario Bros.). I think the other kids are teasing for the sake of teasing and it has little to do with the subject matter his shirt.

Wow. Such great replies! Thank you all for the advice. I like that everyone has slightly different opinions. Jeyradan, your post was very sweet. Obviously I think my son is great, wise beyond his years. He even came home after his 4th grade year and said "I'm never getting Facebook because Ms. B said that colleges will look at your profile and may chose not to accept you based on what is said on there" I was thinking, wow, I know adults that do not think twice about what they put on Facebook...

Bombaloo, you are right, I did not mention his reaction to the teasing. He seemed mildly bothered by it, enough to tell me, but he seems to not understand why they pick on him for certain things. He thinks they are being dumb. He is honestly more upset if he fails a test. He has started to try to "fit in" more though so it must be enough to make him want to change :/ I just worry because he doesn't talk to anyone outside of school. His teacher said he has a good social life, and is a great kid though, so I'm not really sure of his "status".

Today, he was so sweet because he called his father from school (we are not together) to ask him to come eat lunch with him. He remembered that his father loved the fiestata(sp?) pizza from when he was in school and they ate lunch together in the cafeteria. He always wants one of us around for school events and the like. He is not like most of the other kids who get embarrassed by their parents. Instead he gets sad if I can't come to things like school parties.

I'm terrified for him to start middle school next year. He is the smallest kid in his entire grade! School was hell for me. Some of my school experiences still hurt me to this day.

Why is childhood so darn hard!