Bullying

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We tend to picture bullies as large, mean children on a playground. I don't minimize the damage these classic bullies inflict, Both mental and physical. But some of the most damaging bullies are teachers who insist on absolute control because they''re threatened by any factor they don't control absolutely. They should never be allowed to teach,anyone let alone deal with Asperger children. Bullies are generally assumed to be insecure, people who must bolster their egos by exerting power over anyone they perceive as a threat to their need for power. Students with IQs higher than theirs terrify them so people with Asperger Syndrome are too frequently targets of bullying teachers.

My son was the target of a teacher bully last year. There were so many problems with school last year and I couldn't figure out what was going on. It wasn't until two weeks before the end of the school year that he told me what was going on. I was apalled. It was disgusting. I had asked him a thousand times about other kids giving him problems, etc...I never once thought to ask if the teacher was giving him problems. I had met with the teacher so many times and had phone conversations with him throughout the year regarding my son and his behavior and progress. I also had close contact with the principal regularly. There was no indication that this teacher was a bully type from my dealings with him.

The teacher regularly embarassed him in front of the class. The teacher threw his stuff off his desk and across the room. The teacher would purposely repeat the same questions quietly and over and over (dozens of times in a row - picture a little kid trying to annoy their parents or brother) to see if he could make my son lose his temper. He gave him detentions all the time. There was a lot of stuff, long list of bully behavior.

The day my son told me about this I pulled him out of school.

As soon as I found out I contacted the pricipal. I used that word - bully. The principal said he was taking it seriously. Long story short - principal refused to do a proper investigation. I had to insist and demand. I refused to bring my son back to school. The investigation concluded after the social worker interviewed other teachers and students in my son's class. She said none of the students agreed with my son's stories. I found out who the students were and called their parents. The children told their parents what they told the social worker. They all told the truth, the social worker lied to me. I also found out there were other children that were being bullied by the teacher in this class and in an after school program.

I wrote a long threatening letter to the superintenent. I quoted our states bullying laws. I threatened to send an email to every parent in the school. I demanded to know why the social worker had lied.

I pushed it as far as I could without spending money on a lawyer or advocate. The end result was that the social worker was transferred to another school. The teacher was disciplined, although they never told me how. My son had an aid in the classroom with him for the last week of school because I refused to bring him back and they refused to change his classroom - this was the comprimise. This year that teacher gets several weekly classroom visits from the principal. The teacher was tenured and we all know that for a tenured teacher to get fired they have to literally rape or murder a student. Even then there's a chance they won't get fired.

We all have to watch out for bully teachers, especially when your child is not very verbal.

I am impressed by your tenacity. Your son is fortunate to have you on his side. I am constantly amazed by the inappropriate people who manage to survive in schools both public and private. There are so many excellent teachers and they far outweigh the bullies, but the occasional cruel or just plain bad ones can mark a child forever. Teachers have so much power and a child is so vulnerable. I'm not surprised that you had to battle to get the school to do anything. Nor am I surprised the other kids didn't initially back up your son's portrayal of what was going on. They were probably afraid of the teacher's retribution.

Oh, but the other children did back it up. That is probably the worst part of the story.

The kids did tell the social worker the truth about what was going on with the teacher, but the social worker lied in her report and said the children said nothing was going on. All the kids/parents that I spoke with recited exactly what they told the social worker, and they all stated different incidences where the teacher was being totally inappropriate. This is why I confronted the super about the social worker lying in her report to me. Her sole pupose of being there was to protect the children and she lied about what they reported.

I only wish I had money at the time for an advocate or legal assistance. They'd be in a lot of hot water right now. I did the best I could.

You're right. I am reminded that I should always go back and reread the blog before I reply. re-reading it, I wonder why the social worker didn't repeat what the children really said. Do you have any idea what she gained?

Perhaps she was instructed to. Maybe she had a personal relationship with the teacher. I have no idea. I think she should lose her license over this.

It's interesting to note that the vast majority of bullying in American society does not take place in schools, but in the real world, by adults, to other adults. I don't just mean business deals, I mean nearly every facet of our society revolves around some form of bullying and intimidation. And yet we act like these bullies are bad kids...they are just ahead of the curve is all. Maybe it doesn't sound very appealing, but its very true.

That is a great point and I agree. Before I figured that out, I had many jobs where I was intimidated by other workers and felt very scared at work.

True. bullying is ever present. I was just thinking about the schools because they are trying so hard in my area to confront it as a solvable issue. But they are only dealing with kids bullying other kids. No one wants to deal with the occasional teachers who bully.

Teachers were always my worst bullies as a school child. My third grade teacher phycological tourchured me and I have PTSD as a result. My second, fourth and special ed teachers did as well but not bad as my third grade teacher. It was a rural school and they did not know much about autism or AS but that's no excuse. My third grade teacher encouraged bullies.

That sounds miserable. Kids look up to teachers and believe what they say. How grim to have someone you had to spend every day with being unkind. It would have been tough even for a NT with a strong ego, but especially devastating for Aspergers kids. In my kinder moments I used to wonder if they had any idea how fragile childrens' psyches can be.

an anecdote dating of yesterday: i gave my son 5 euros to give the teacher for the calendar they had made with a picture of all the kids in the school. the calendar cost 3 ,50. my son came back without calendar.i asked and he said, well , it was too late, they had already ordered them...too bad but ok. we keep walking and he blurts out: "oh and the teacher stole my money!!"
i was like...wait what? apparently the teacher took his money, told him it was too late for the calendar and sent him away.
I thought hard about it and remembered i owed her 4 euros for an outing the previous week, i had planned on giving her the money but my son didn't go because he had the flu so i figured well. no outing no money right? not so. i think she took it to replace THAT money, maybe not remembering that my son was not present?
anyway the result is this: she stole my son's money. ( i know it's technically mine, but i'm a grown up and i will survive without my 5 euros lol, but my son? he was totally weirded out.)
2 days of school before the christmas holidays, then i will homeschool.

It strikes me that you should consider approaching the teacher to get this straightened out as a way to teach your son how to negotiate with someone that he perceives took advantage of him. Ask the teacher why she kept the 5 euros and if she did keep it because she thought you owed her money. Then mention that because your son didn't go on the outing, you assumed you no longer owed the outing fee. No matter what led her to keep the entire sum, she should have discussed it with you not arbitrarily kept it all. Good luck.