To tell the host or not to tell the host

Post Reply New Topic

My 9 yr old son (moderate ASD) received an invite to a sleepover birthday party from one of his few friends at school. Only 4 boys were invited. I called the mom to ask a few questions and let her know my son takes a medication that wears off around 7pm, after that time he would be wound like a spun top. Her response was "We are strict". I gave her an opportunity to have us pick him up at any time during the night just in case. The one thing I didn't do was tell her he is ASD. Since he had the invite already I felt that if I told her he is ASD she might uninvite him and that would definitely be bad. She described him as "very distruptive" during the night until he went to bed in a separate room from the other boys. Well...now my son isn't invited to their house ever again and the host informed her son not to speak to my son at school. Did I make a mistake not telling her he is ASD?? Your thoughts...

Just my two cents... Sounds like she simply has no experience w/ special kids and you can't really blame her for that. Sounds like you warned her well by giving a description of what he is like, and I don't think you needed to add the ASD label. I also don't feel the ASD label would have helped - my 9yo moderate ASD doesn't have the trait you are describing and takes no meds.

So, I think she was wrong to try to handle him herself when she could have called you but she is not going to see it that way. I'm sorry that it came out the way it did and the reprecussions your son will experience.

I think I'd find other ways for him to enjoy this type of invitation. Like let him play at the party until 7:00, pick him up to sleep at home, and then take him back for breakfast at that house. People do this when I invite them for overnights here and the child is simply uncomfortable sleeping in any bed other than his/her own.

If I were in your shoes, I think I would make strides to find more friends for your son - maybe at church or boy scouts.... Then have playdates where you can supervise well. I know this may seem difficult depending on your circumstances but I would try. Hope this helps.

That's awful! I don't think informing her of the ASD would have helped (there are many NT 9 year old boys who have a hard time settling down at sleepovers!). Her response of "we are strict" would have been my first tip off that she lacked the patience and compassion to be in charge of one of my sons (and maybe lacking the sense of humor required for dealing with boys that age too! "We are strict." Blech.). We have also picked up our sons early from sleepovers and birthday parties, if we don't think they can handle it or are unsure of the parents.

In this instance, I would really want to talk to that other mom. I would want to know exactly what my son had done that night, why she didn't call me or allow him to call, and if the ban on talking to my son at school was for real. I would try to smooth things over in any way I could for my son's sake, including possibly explaining to her that my son had some impulse control issues etc. Telling her he has ASD might not mean anything to her and could backfire for your son socially if he is not already "out" as being autistic, but if you explain the pertinent issues separately in simple terms, she may exhibit some compassion. Either way though, with a mom like that, her son is probably not going to work out well as a long term friend. I would be looking for other friendships to help my son foster.

I have been thinking of your post since I read it last night, My answer is yes and no......

I am thinking about my 11 year old and the NT kids that I have had overnight as I write my answer...........

My 15 Y/O is totally NT - when it comes to typical NT unruly boy behavior, I am strict and it works. I used to give those types of warnings to parents who had unruly reputations. I am firm and consistant and will treat them as my own. i don't hesitate to tell a child to knock it off or correct their language. I have never had a problem with this.

That said, if I thought a kids was NT and my usual strategies didn't work, well.... I probably wouldn't sign up to hang out. That said, if I understood that the child had some neurological processing differences and was special needs, I would look at the behaviors differently.

But....Do I want to out my child? Not really, but then again will his behaviors do it for him and in a way that isn't flattering? Well, yes, actually they will.

We have had too many situations where he just can't manage in another home with more than one other child. I have learned that my Ds really needs me watching, so I can pull the plug when he starts to struggle. His warning signs are pretty subtle and what would work for most NT kids would throw him over the top.

So, for me - I don't think some of the criticizms of the other mom are fair. This approach really does work for groups of NT boys. When my DS was 9, we were just learning that he couldn't manage situations like this on his own.

At this point, sleep overs and play dates are at our house except for very few homes where the parents and I are close and we have known each other since the kids were in diapers.

I felt so differently when I read the OP. For some reason this one really bothered me. I think it is that mom having difficulty with the poster's son, and then not calling the OP, even though she had been warned that there was a medical/behavioural issue ("I called the mom to ask a few questions and let her know my son takes a medication that wears off around 7pm, after that time he would be wound like a spun top.") and was asked to contact her if there was an issue. So she was not ignorant of the fact that there might be special needs, and the parent had given her instructions. Instead she ignored the instructions and tried to handle it on her own, and when this failed, decided that she would end the friendship for her son. This seems really unfair, presumptuous and lacking in compassion to me.

I admit I do hate the word "strict" when it comes to parenting, Firm & consistent, yes, great, but strict rubs me the wrong way. It means narrow, inflexible, exacting, stern, austere etc. None of which I want to be with my kids, and none of which I want other parents being with my kids. So for me, her saying "we are strict" would have been a red flag.

I will qualify this by saying that I am assuming no really outrageous behaviour on the kid's part. If he was swearing, damaging property, bullying or behaving in sexually inappropriate ways then he wouldn't get a return invite from me either. But if it was hyperactivity, high spirits and difficulty following instructions and settling down for the night, then I really think the hostess handled this badly.

Here's the thing, until I had my very own special needs kid - I thought that strict and consistant would work for a kid wearing off medication too, I really didn't get what the differences were with how the AS brain works. Until I lived in my shoes, I was completely clueless. So, just telling me that the med would wear off without saying...

"When he really gets wound up you will need to do x, and then try y. If you do w, it could cause him to be more spun."

And honestly why would I call the parents if it's just misbehavior which I find annoying? I wouldn't, because I wouldn't have known what I was dealing with. As a matter of fact there was this friend of DS's in 1st grade who is AS too, but we didn't know about it then. I remember how frustrating having him over was - his quirks were different than DS's quirks and playovers were hard.

So at least for me - this parent sounds like any number of NT moms in any given neighborhood. She sounds like she hasn't a clue (that was me once! ) and that's not her fault. I think that we are so used to our kids we forget (or never knew) how other kids act and are expected to act, without being constantly told. Our kids take a TON more work - why do you think we are so tired all the time? In my neighborhood, all of the parents think that DSs DX is BS and that he could control his meltdowns if he wanted. We have been exiled by these types of moms. SO - the exclusion thing is a hot button for me. I just know how little they know.

BTW - the other mom may be a total B, but I don't know if it's fair to judge by the info we have.

You seem to have a much more charitable attitude than me in this. I appreciate that. It's good to have a variety of perspectives.

Clearly the excluding is a hot button for me too, and perhaps I am judging unfairly. Note I did suggest trying to get more info (I would really want to know exactly what my son had done), and trying to smooth things over (which implies politeness and giving her the benefit of the doubt), so I am not advocating hunting her down with a pitchfork or anything.

However I do think (my own opinion only) that based on the info given the other mom acted unfairly. For example when you didn't enjoy having your DS's grade 1 friend over, did you then also try to ban him from talking to this kid at school? Seems like overkill to me, and quite frankly a bit mean (unless of course, like I said the OP's son's behaviour was really outrageously bad).

I don't think I would have told my sons diagnosis unless I felt like I knew the parent really well. My oldest son is ADHD and had a bedwetting problem when he was younger. When he went to a sleepover I gave the mother instructions for his medication, but never really told her why he needed the medicine (Ritalin, and a bladder pill). The thing that makes me upset about the situation you described is the fact that she had him sleep in another room. If it escalated to that point, she really should have called you rather than ostracizing him. It could have been handled tactfully by calling you, and then maybe a reason for leaving(not feeling well, or something) could have been told to the other boys so he could save face. Did he ever say what happened, or how he felt about the night? I would have been really irritated.

I'm a believer in giving people information up front where it can be of use. Probably if she knew he had ASD she might be able to understand some of his behaviors.
In lieu of any other knowledge she would have to make assumptions..bad parenting, bad child, knew he was being bad, inconsiderate etc etc.

We've been talking to DS about him disclosing his diagnosis to his friends...while he's had several very positive experiences, one boy he's been really close to reacted as though he were contagious, and we haven't heard from him since (though, granted, this could be explained by the holiday and not the disclosure, so I'm waiting to see.) I've told him that it's his diagnosis, his choice to share (and he's been extremely responsible with that, YMMV) I had explained to him - you are what you are. Some people may understand you better if they know what you're dealing with - some people may not; but generally, the people who react badly to the explanation are likely to be intolerant anyway, while the people who react well will probably help you out.

In other words, it isn't a guarantee that a label or an explanation is going to make things better; sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. I don't think it's fair to second-guess yourself. I also think that Kailuamom is right - yes, the other Mom did not and should have followed directions, but considering how long it's taken me to understand my own child - I think she just didn't understand fully. She's probably angry with herself for not following through as you instructed, and it's coming out in a sideways manner.

Question is - what do you do now? I wonder if reaching out to her might help. I'm not sure how or what you would say, but it's sad that she chose to end things this way.

Hugs.

I don't know why she didn't take you up on your offer of the pick up. I would ask her this. You tried to warn her, you tried to give her the out, what was she trying to prove? If you gave that out, you gave what was necessary. Did she understand how serious you were? So despite being warned she wants to blame you and your child?

I've seen sleepover problems completely ruin relations between families, and it is such a shame. It is a situation in which communication and comfort between the parents in all families is essential.

All that said, I avoided having my son sleep over at anyone's house for years. Shoot, I avoided having him play at other houses. When we did accept invitations, it was after having had many conversations where I noted my son had some unique needs, and that I didn't want to impose on other parents about to how to handle those. One parent got to know my son when he coached him in sports, and he got really comfortable that he understood my son's quirks, so the first out of home ventures were with him. He was really good about calling when things got sticky, telling me how he was handling things, and checking in that I thought it would work. That family hosted my son for his first overnight, I think maybe age 7 or 8. We built slowly from there. My son never did a sleepover with more than 1 child, because group situations were always problematic for him and he knew it.

I think we, as parents, get eager for our kids to experience everything "normal" kids do, but that can backfire. If my son desperately wanted to do something I didn't think he was ready for, I modified things. If it had been a party like your son was invited to, I might have suggested helping out with the party until the kids were all asleep. Yeah, I might be a little over-protective, but my son is maturing quite well and has a lot of friends and respect. So, it works, and I have no regrets.

I've been more inclined to say my son is "special needs" than to tell others his diagnosis, btw. They don't always understand the label, and "special needs" is enough to tell them they can't expect him to be like other kids, and hopefully put them on the phone if things aren't going well.

This is soooo spot on! DW how did you get to be so smart, is this like your 5th lifetime dealing with these issues? Falling into the overprotective category myself, I often am the mom who stays at the party to "help out". What you are really doing though is being there to help your child have a successful experience or conversely, if things start to go wrong, you can be there to extricate them to prevent a really negative experience. Each success that a child experiences builds a habit of being successful. Repeated negative experiences will build a habit of failure. It sounds like what DW has done is gone to great lengths to help her son have as many positive successful experiences as possible so that he has built that habit and it gives him great strength, aka good karma.

Maybe someone has already mentioned this, but that is where an opportunity was missed. The other mother should have then at least been told "strict" would make no difference at all, and the child should never have been sent into that situation until/unless some kind of clear understanding and agreement between parents had been reached.

Thanks for the compliment, but I mess up in plenty of areas, I promise!

I think I came into the whole socialization thing extra wary because my son was such a difficult baby. Soooo very picky about who we left him with. I learned in those first 3 months to never, ever, assume or take chances with him and other people. He was always glorious when a parent was around, but boy he could challenge a sitter! So, in many ways, that dye got set early.

i would be inclined to call the mother and find out exactly what went on. how was he disruptive? was the choice to sleep in another room his or hers?

and i would have to agree with leejosepho about the missed opportunity. if i would ever leave my son with someone (not something we do except with my sister occassionally), i would want them to know that he requires different treatment than a typical child. i would want that for HIM, so that he was treated well and fairly, and not expected to behave in a way contrary to his nature.

as a parent, if i was hosting a sleepover, i would be very put out if a parent had not informed me of their childs particular needs. being wound up is one thing, all children get that way at some point, but asd children do not necessarily respond to the usual methods of winding them down. we are used to dealing with our kids and their unique ways, we've had years to build up to it, but to not tell another parent about it and then hand them an asd child for the night is like throwing them, the parent, into the lions den. especially when you consider the potential sensory nightmare of a boys sleepover.

i would have told them the diagnosis. i see no reason to hide it or beat around the bush. it is what it is and it is part of who they are. better to be uninvited at that point then to have to deal with being humiliated later on. that gives the other parent a chance to look into it and then make an informed decision on if they thought they could handle it or not. at this point my spectrum kids have yet to attend a sleep over party. one is 11, one is 5. for their own well-being and comfort i would not send them into a situation knowing that the other person was not prepared to deal with their behaviours and especially not to a home where i did not know the parents well. i have even had to cut off visits to some of my 11yo's friends houses completely because they let their children wander and i don't feel that is safe for my daughter, smart as she is she is niave and has trouble reading people or identifying dangerous situations. if i was to let them go to a sleep over i'd be very, very specific of what the problems are and how to deal with them properly. i also never assume that all is well at home when i have someone else watching the kids(which is rare) so i tend to call and check in fairly often. i would do that if they were at someone elses house too. just a quick phone call to ask how they are handling the excitement so i would not have to worry. i think that is our responsibility, knowing that they can be an extra handful compared to other kids.