I am just so tired.....

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Venting..... No need to try to solve this for us

I am tired of every waking moment being devoted to DS's needs. While having a better understanding of these needs has improved all of our lives, I am just sick to death of it!

I have always believed in firm and consistant parenting. Everyone knew where they stood. I don't yell (well...not often), I don't hit, I believe in positive discipline. My NT older guy is turning out to be a really lovely human being. The kids don't want for anything but aren't spoiled. Until now.

I feel like I give in on way too much for my AS son. I mean, I get it that he's not capable of managing the expectations that I had. I feel like he's just a spoiled brat always getting his way and not caring about how anyone else feels. (please - no lectures about the nature of AS, I know or I wouldn't be tolerating it!) I just don't know how to find a balance that feels right.

I am sick of tantrums, I am sick of meltdowns, I am sick of begging or bribing him to do what he needs to for minimal grooming and toileting. I am sick of canceling my plans because if I make DS leave his video games (special interest) he will melt down. I am sick of the wake up process, I am sick of the going to bed process. I am sick of the crappy food choices and addiction to junk food. I am sick of wiping my 150# child's bottom.

But - all of those things that I am sick of aren't fixed with the NT solutions that I used to use. So I guess I am starting over. I have to figure out a new path. And the bottom line is, right now - I don't wanna! I feel like I have had to completely abandon myself to take care of this kid and I am tired of it!

Sounds like me with my NT daughter. Different issues, obviously, but she exhausts me.

My AS boy is, at this point in time, a complete delight.

How did that happen?

Oh, wait, I think they have a name for it ... parenting

Sorry. Got a little punchy. This too will pass. Eventually. Maybe. OK, I can't make any promises. Just ... I feel for you. It sounds like you are in an extra rough period, and I am sorry to hear it.

Find a way to take care of yourself and give yourself a break, OK?

On a day like you seem to be having, long ago, when my children were smaller I actually sat down and wrote out my "resignation to Motherhood". I meant it both ways - I did want to resign - it was (and still often is) really tough and I was sick and tired of it and didn't want the job anymore
I also realized that I needed to resign myself to the "way it was" at that moment. All my children were different, it seemed if I did something to make one happy, another wasn't. I had friends saying things to me like "I can see that you still have your hands really full..." and I would envy them their more normal lives. I didn't know at the time why I seemed to struggle with my boys more than others seemed to struggle with their children and I felt like I was compromising the values that I had in regards to what constituted good parenting.
There were several points in the resignation but the gist of it was that I resigned myself that, for me at that point in time, this was motherhood and then I wrote out some of the ways I could cope with it. It didn't start out as meaning to be therapeutic but it did turn out to be.
I totally agree that you need to give yourself breaks, my husband was always really good when my children were little to give me a Saturday morning off and I know that wasn't easy for him but I could get through the week knowing that time on Saturday morning was coming. I hope you have a resource that you can turn to for times like this.
Take care.

Hi Kailuamom,

I don't know how old your son is, but let me tell you ways I was a PITA when I was a kid:

Grades K-5 (at least--things eventually eased up a bit by 7th-8th grade but it took a while) I could not go to school without being physically ill. If my mom tried to get me to eat anything it usually didn't stay down. She was constantly missing work, locking horns with the school who said I was truant (no diagnosis--this was the 1980's) and dealing with my issues.

I had problems eating anything a lot of the time, even if I didn't have to go anywhere--I just felt ill all the time. Specialists found nothing physically wrong with me.

Besides school, I just didn't like going out, anywhere, even if I was with her running errands. It wasn't due to a break in routine or being pulled away from a special interest--I just felt sick to my stomach. A lot.

She got me through it. By high school I never missed a day unless I had something physically wrong with me (diagnosably, that is)--usually a sinus infection. My stomach problems cleared up, unless I actually caught a flu virus.

Now, I have a Master's degree in Applied Criminology.

My point is: everything you are doing IS helping him, and I completely understand your frustration! My mom had to deal with me herself--my dad didn't want to have much to do with it. Do you have someone who could "take over" and let you have a break? I agree with DW_a_mom that you need some time for yourself.

Vent all you want. ANYONE would be frustrated with having to deal with what you described on a daily basis.

Take care.

Yeah but moms like you are awesome. My mother tried to treat me like my NT brother and was ashamed of my diagnosis. You are doing what you can to help your son.

You're allowed to vent Nice one, by the way.

good thing you dont want solutions, cause its been a long day and i aint got none. im tired too =/

Thanks for the kind words!

DH travels for a living, which is completely exhausting to him. So - beside the fact that he is generally self absorbed and that he can't get his emotions around DS's AS, he's never home. When he is home, all we hear is how he has to work and how tired he is. When I leave, I get 50 phone calls asking me a million questions. I don't feel like I can get a break.

I work full time and have a housekeeper who watches DS and helps around the house while I'm at work, so I am luckier than many. It just feels like all of my energy is so focused on DS when I hit the door, that I don't even know what I would do if I got a break.

And it's funny - I know the cause is worthy and I am doing a good thing. Just sometimes I don't want to.

vent away...

Been there, done that.

It's the only we have that we can never quit, or even take a leave of absence from. And it's not that we would ever want to quit, but sometimes just the idea that one could quit gives one power in a difficult situation, and with parenting, you can't play that physiological game on yourself.

Iam probably wrong, just putting out ideas.
When I was a kid, I dont think such labels as aspergers existed, so all kids where just kids, though it was a lot harder for some of us than others, we just had to try harder, like survival or something, I had it tough, being beaten around the head, kicked in the stomach just for saying the wrong thing, food!, I hated the discusting much they put in front of me, and made me sit there all night until I found ways to get rid of it, whole boiled sheeps hearts with tubes sticking out!
Not saying this is a good way to bring up kids, I pretty much had to bring myself up.

I wonder though, would I have turned out so well if I had been given a label, and parents loving enough to treat me differantly because of that label?
I no for sure if it was my chioce and I had the chance, no way would I have eaten any of the food they force fed me, with the threat of violence if I didnt obey.
Would I have gone to school so willingly if I had realised I was so differant that it was unfair to even send me to school?

I wonder if kids given these labels use them as an excuse for an easier and more selfish life, and if the end result prevents them from being the person they could have been, abliet the very hard work they would have had to do to get there.

Thinking your normal whilst not being normal results in real character building and determination to become the person you think you should be.
Does an excuse discourage even attempting such a battle?

well that assumes that the person has the ability to overcome their disability by will alone. for a whole lot of people, the answer to that is a resounding no. for some, no matter how hard they work, it wont be enough. i believe our children for the most part will not use their diagnosis as an excuse unless we teach them to.

in my own family i can look at my SO who grew up undiagnosed, and then look at my son who is diagnosed. i know what my SO's life has been like and i DO NOT WANT my son to go through that. i dont want him to have those struggles. so i do the struggling myself, now. i struggle with the school, struggle with services, struggle with getting information on how to help him. i struggle now so he doesnt have to struggle so hard later.

its worth it. agonizing, tiring, exhausting, emotionally devastating. but worth it.

what other choice do we have? theyre our children.

My parents exhausted me.....I just wanted to be left alone.

Some days (weeks, months) are like that. The good thing is that this too shall pass.

I love websisters letter of resignation ♥

As an example and illustration of my earlier post, my stepfather kept telling me how stupid I was, hense I belived it myself, and acted accordingly.
Despite allways being in the top stream of six, I still belived myself to be stupid and so didnt bother at school as there was no point.
Only in late adulthood when it was too late I realised I had been lied too, I have an IQ ranging between 126/128.
I expect a stupid person who had been led to belive he was clever would have faired better.

My point being, is there a danger asperger children will fully fullfill the demanding role of an AS child if such is revealed to them and pandered too?, might there be a middle ground where a loving parent will do what they can to help, but without encouraging the role to be played out in full by the child?

I think you bring up an excellent point, which is why I have said in other threads that I believe the "child" needs to be given more independence.

One's children, no matter how old they are, will never do things exactly how one would like. For example, my mother would have liked me to have a neat and orderly room as a child and I didn't. Nor do I as an adult. It's only orderly in the sense that I know where everything is, which is orderly enough for me. She eventually gave up. My father could find fault with a million things I apparently do "wrong", yet his father thought he did so many things "wrong" that the two couldn't even speak to each other as adults without getting into it over something my father was doing "wrong".

Sometimes, one just needs to let their children be themselves, learn for themselves, and decide how they are going to do things themselves.

To the original poster, if your child is over the age of 7 and not severely mentally disabled (those with AS at least most certainly are not), then he can wipe himself.

If he doesn't do it right, he can deal with that for a few weeks and learn for himself the cons of not being able to sufficiently perform this task.

As far as not wanting to leave his video games, I outlined a potential solution to this in another post. Basically he gets a warning earlier in the day that you are going somewhere and he has to go with you. He gets that warning every hour. He must stop playing the game 30 minutes before you leave. This gives you time to deal with him in case he has a tantrum and also allows him to transition.

But when it finally comes time to leave, if it wasn't already, the game goes off, and he can scream as much as he wants. If he tantrums such that it significantly delays you, he doesn't get to continue playing it when you come back.