HELP! The family dog has to be put to sleep, how to explain?

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We recently found out that the family dog has to be put to sleep . My issue is this... My 19 yr. old niece whom is autistic is naturally having a difficult time understanding. We have not mentioned "death or dying" to her. It has been explained to her this way... Romeyo is sick and he's too sick for medicine and the doctors cannot make him better. He feels really sick and he's tired. The animal hospital wants us to bring him in so they can help him by putting him to sleep and after that he won't be tired anymore. Of course, we realize that this cant make much sense to her, or maybe it does. Keya ( my niece) looks at us and says "I want to keep Romeyo".
As I'm typing this... I'm realizing that Keya just may understand more than we believe. Keya is also manic depressive and has had severe episodes. We are so concerned about how to deal w/this that we have put the "putting to sleep" of Romeyo off for weeks. PLEASE HELP US! My sister in law has turned to me for help in this matter and I'm not sure how to handle it . This is my 1st time visiting any type of forum however, I desperately need help with how to help my niece to understand and cope with the certain death of her long time friend Romeyo. Any suggestions on how to do this gently will be greatly appreciated.
Thank You So Kindly,
Aunt Chell

You said you haven't mention "death/dying" does she even understand the concept of death/dying? I feel she should if possible. Also while it is sad that the dog has to be put down I'm sorry to hear that. Perhaps put it in a casket (box of some sort) and have a burial. You can buy pet tombstones and burying it in the yard would be a good idea (by a swing/favorite oak tree etc.) Have it be something she can participate in. After some time of grieving (as in not right away) perhaps help her seek out a new puppy to love and raise since the other dog has passed.

Yes I know no dog replaces an old one there personalities are unique like a human (I've had many dogs myself) but pictures and memories help me remember how Precious and Star and Lady have acted. My Nanny said I feared dogs but grabbed onto Lady and wouldn't let go so we had to buy her. Star had a disease and died in an 80/20 operation (80% live 20% die called and said A ok) 1 hr. later dead. (I saw her fall over ill and my sister dismissed it the virus spread to quick and it took her over even after surgery and antibiotic) Precious was just really old. It was cute though Star had a white "Star" mark on her forehead. Now we have 2 yorkies which are cute and loving. Hopefully you can help your niece deal with the passing. I wish you the best of luck.

Maybe you can start preparing by getting her to collect some keepsakes, eg. take and frame photos, collect mementos like some hair to put in a locket, take some footprints for an album, choose a special toy and collar for the journey etc. In other words involve her in the process of preparing for the event and in making some of the decisions. By taking small steps you move toward the inevitable.

Tell her that everybody passes away and that when a person or an animal passes away, thy go to a better place. You should be very supportive of her and not harsh and cold. She will get over it sooner, if you give her support and sympathy. Be empathetic. Put yourself in her shoes and things will go smoothly for her.

I appreciate you are trying to help her. I can't give you much advice, but perhaps I can help you see it through her eyes a bit more.

My cat was the first living creature I understood, the first creature I felt a connection with. People didn't make sense to me, but animals did. So I bonded with them. I've cried over cats I only met a few times. When one of my own cats dies, the world rips apart.

I'm not saying you shouldn't show the poor dog mercy. But if your niece hasn't even come to terms with the idea of death, understanding this is probably going to be impossible for her. My own suggestion is this: when she's not there, take him to the vet. Do what needs to be done. If your vet is halfway decent, they'll help you wrap him up to take him home so you can bury him. Tell her he died - this is true, even if not the whole truth - and have a burial service. (She's not stupid. Whether you tell her about death or not, she's going to figure out what it means. Calling it "sleep" will just give her a reason to fear sleep.) Tell her there's no reason for a good dog to go anywhere but Heaven. I find the whole idea of the "Rainbow Bridge" comforting. If you haven't heard of that, google it.

Then, do every single thing you can think of to comfort her, to support her, to help her hold the pieces together. Death is unbearably hard for anyone. As a believer in the "intense world" theory of autism (the only one that explains what I feel in here), I suspect it is even more hard for anyone with an autism spectrum "disorder". Don't tell her to "get over it". Don't expect her to be happy for quite a while. Just support her. Well beyond anything you might think is reasonable. My first cat died forty-five years ago, and I still cry when I think of her. And every other cat I've lost since. And every other death that has had an impact on me personally.

Yes, that's awful. I wish I had better advice. Every time death has touched my life, it has shattered it. I hate death. But if you can't stop it, then all you can do is try to help the people left behind.

Instead of saying the dog is tired, you might say he's in pain, if that's the case. Be truthful, though.

wish i knew how to help you, but i don't. maybe no one does. i ask that you do not let the dog suffer because you are afraid of what might happen. please listen to what your veterinarian suggests.

if burial at home is not possible, every large city has a pet cemetery . many are very nice and you can feel the love contained there when you walk in. it's usually very inexpensive. cremation is also a good option. if your family feels like they cannot deal with either burial or cremation, your veterinarian will take care of your dog for you. please do not ask the vet to explain what will happen to the dog as they do the best they can.

when it is time to get another dog, you will know. please go to an animal shelter instead of a breeder. if you must have a certain type dog, you can find many breed rescues all over the country for every type dog imaginable.

it's easy to tell you are very distraught over the situation. all of us on w. p. wish you the very best.

She has to see him dead or watch him die. And if you think she'd have reason to be angry with you if she saw him get put to sleep, that's your cue to wonder whether that's really the right course of action.

And you have to explain about death. Holding off on that is ridiculous.

How autistic is she? And what does the dog have and how old is he?

If she has HFA or AS then, at 19, she almost certainly understands death. Most certainly if she has AS.

As far as euthanizing the dog, personally, in some instances, I think people are too quick to do such things. My grandmother had her cat euthanized because the cat was old and going blind. But the cat was likely going blind from a treatable condition, such as high blood pressure, and blind cats actually get along just fine once they get oriented.

I know some other individuals, they were going to euthanize their fairly young dog because it had developed hip problems. Their son, however would not allow this, and eventually found a treatment that worked.

Which leads us to another subject.Many ailments in pets CAN be treated, with a positive outcome for the animal's standard of living, but most vets figure most people don't want to, or can't spend the money. And then, many people choose to put their pet down because they can't bare to watch suffering that the animal may or may not actually be experiencing. While cats and dogs certainly feel pain and illness and so on, they tend not to dwell on it like us humans. They respond to such things more like young human children. They don't feel well, but unless it's particularly unbearable, they are easily distracted from it.

I had a dog I did have to put down due to cancer. It has spread to her lungs and she was gasping for breath the day we took her in. However three days before she could still breath normally, she still wanted to go on a walk when I asked her. We didn't go far, we just sat outside on the lawn for a while, but she really seemed to enjoy it.

When our dog was very, very old (over 16), and very, very sick, our boys were quite small, and we had to explain that we were going to have to put her down. She had become so sick that she was no longer able to eat, even soft food. We explained that she was very sick, and that she was dying. Of course, the children were sad and upset (so were we). We told them that we were going to take her to the vet so he could help her die. She was in pain. She moaned, could hardly walk - they could see it. Everyone said goodbye to her. It was hard. After some time, we got a new puppy, and he's been with us for many years. He's very different from her - not a replacement in many ways.

What others have said, about your niece needing to be introduced to the concept of death, if at all possible, is true. Also, I agree with the danger of equating death with sleep.

See him dead, yes. Watch him die - God, no! Even when they do the best they can, things go wrong. I had a beloved cat with kidney disease. We kept him alive as long as we could, and much longer than the vet expected. The vet was hinting, towards the end, that it was time, but we saw him at home and knew that he was still able to enjoy life. Finally, the awful day came - 23 July 2002 - when it was obvious it was time. We took him in, they gave him the shot to make him sleep before they gave him the fatal shot - and he wouldn't sleep. Even when they gave him the fatal shot, he struggled and looked at us as if for help. I can barely endure recalling this enough to write about it - you do not want to risk the slightest chance she will see something like that before she has even come to terms with death at all.

I'm with the Wanderer - we had a similar experience with a beloved dog, and even though we fully understood the whole thing, seeing him look scared for just that few seconds was difficult.

I know your niece is 19, but you haven't said where she is developmentally - do you think she would be open to watching a Mr. Rogers episode? There's a very famous one on death, in particular the death of pets, that spells it all out in a very gentle way (usually it's avaliable at Public Libraries, but here's a link on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Mister-Rogers-Nei ... B004DTS01U ) It may help clarify the whole situation, maybe if you have some younger kids watch with her so the age issue isn't as obvious.

Does she understand the terminology "put to sleep?" I think it would be helpful for her to understand clearly that the dog will be gone forever, not just sleeping, not just moved elsewhere - and, while I'm not sure how to communicate it, I think she should be made aware that the death will happen, either kindly and without surprise, or in a less than kind, unpredictable way.

I find it disturbing that someone could have a 19 year old and not have them understand death by now. I've heard it useful to provide insects, like ants or butterflies, in teaching about death so they can learn their life cycle but it's too late for that now.

I think it likely she understands more than you think, however, and is just upset naturally about the dog.