Kindergarten This Year - Yes or No?

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My 5 year-old will be starting Kindergarten this year. Thing is, I don't know if he is ready to deal with the demands of public education and I am seriously considering homeschooling him if some major things don't change over the next 8 months. Here are my concerns:

1. He still uses a sippy cup most of the time. The reasons for this are two-fold; the sucking does help "wake up" the oral/facial muscles (hypotonia) and assists with his speech, and second, his sippy cup hits the floor so many times on a daily basis that I think I would be in a perpetual state of clean-up. His focus is never on multiple tasks.

2. He has a global delay, so he is not where his peers are in terms of most things. He is still a very "young" child for 5.

3. He has meltdowns over the littlest thing, multiple times per day, every day. If one of his classmates gets a sticker for something and he does not, he's going to lose it. Similarly, if he cannot live up to his own standards of perfectionism writing or drawing or coloring or playing on the playground or - anything - he is going to lose it. He is a perfectionist like I cannot even begin to describe, and takes everything so seriously.

4. He hits himself when frustrated. This is unsettling even to me, but will surely get him picked on and misunderstood by others.

5. Attempts to punish his meltdowns only cause a rapid and severe deterioration of his behavior. At that point he usually starts hitting himself more, or punching or kicking walls. Or throwing things. He can't handle the first wave of emotions/stress, and being punished or yelled at only smacks right up against his perfectionism and makes matters 1,000x worse. If this isn't handled properly, I fear he will hurt himself.

I realize that there are a lot of things he needs to learn and adjust to, and that the world can't cater to him. I am not trying to enable his behavior, in fact, I would like quite the opposite. However, I understand that my son is autistic and thus typical protocol isn't going to work like it does for his NT peers.

6. He has digestive issues. Aside from being lactose-intolerant, his little tummy also turns to water in times of stress.

7. His communication difficulties are both expressive and receptive. And it gets worse when he is stressed, impossible during meltdown. The more stress he is under, the more rapidly communication deteriorates until he is completely unable.

8. Sensory. He is very sensory-defensive to noise, and during the times when we have been at the elementary school for his sister, my son has been quite shaken (understatement) by the ringing bell. He also is a sensory seeker and seeks hugs quite often to balance himself out. Now, I think a weighted vest might be the answer for the sensory seeking, so I am going to try that before school starts - but this seems like the least of our problems.

I'm sure I can't be alone here. I was thinking about doing a year of homeschool (web-based) for Kindergarten just to give him an additional year of development and speech therapy before throwing him into the mainstream. Kind of wonder about thoughts from other parents and especially hoping to hear from those with similar experiences.

Oh I have no idea but I am in exactly the same boat. My daughter is due to start next September and I am so scared. If an autistic person reads this could you answer me - is it as vital as EVERYONE seems to say that autistic children get socialised? I dont get it, the Aspergers book I'm reading atm says to recognise that school is about social and academic training for kids and to expect them to be tired - which just seems really hard on and counterproductive to the ASD child. My daughter loves being with other children but finds socialising so hard she needs someone in the background to act as a mediator. She gets written off at pre-school as not wanting to play with the other children whereas I know it's lack of support and not knowing how too. She will be getting more support once she has an official diagnosis (its a long story) but it seems so damaging in the mean time.

Here is my unqualified advice. DO NOT send this child to public schools in his current state. I had less severe problems than your child developmentally (but strikingly similar ones regarding perfectionism and tantrums), and had substantial difficulties with school both in kindergarten and beyond. I only had Aspergers syndrome (undiagnosed because that didn't exist in 1985). My academic performance was great, but my teachers recommended I be held back in kindergarten due to "emotional immaturity". My social development was mostly very painful and very negative. I only really developed what I now call "survival skills", and was in "survival mode" all the way through high school. My only real social development came outside of school with parents, family, and close family friends. You need to accept that your child isn't going to be normal and no amount of tough love is going to change that. They're not going to have what you would call a normal childhood no matter what you do, and the sooner you abandon this notion, the easier it will be for you and child.

I can't speak against experts about autistic children needing to be socialized, but I would advise you pay careful attention to the nature of the socialization they have. If they can be taught the correct behaviors and supervised, I'm sure socialization is very helpful. The reality of public schools is that socialization will not be closely supervised. They'll be dumped in a playground or lunch room and left to fend for themselves. I can say from experience that this is very bad. Your kid will probably be teased and picked on. He may even be physically bullied. If he fights back, he'll likely be blamed as the aggressor simply because the other kids don't like him and back each other up. If he's like me, by the time he hits high school, he'll have the personality of a cornered animal and the stress level to match. He may develop co-morbid depression and social anxiety. He may become suicidal. I'm not painting a pretty picture because the reality isn't very pretty. You said you wanted to hear from someone who had been through the experience. You'll hear much the same story about bullying from other posters here.

Talk to the therapists and read the books, but always get multiple opinions rather than depending on one source. We all have our biases, and the more different viewpoints you have, the more you'll be able to decide for yourself what to do. If you have the option to home school, I advise you do that. Do teach your kid how to socialize. If you have friends at work or church, get together with them in a small group and supervise your child's interactions. Also, don't be afraid to socialize him with adults. He's going to have to live and work in a world of adults, not 5 year olds, so he needs to learn appropriate adult behavior. DO NOT believe what the public school system will tell you about home schooling stunting your child's social development. They have monetary and political reasons to say that, but if you look at the actual data, home school children are more successful in college and beyond, not less. I knew people who were home school in college, and in my estimation, they were more mature and well adjusted than others.

On the advice of his preschool teachers (we had DS in a play-based preschool that was very understanding about his differences, even if no one in our family understood them.) we enrolled DS in kindergarten a year behind his peers. This wasn't difficult to do, as he had an August birthday - so no one really blinked. If he'd have been the youngest, smallest kid in the class as opposed to the other way around, I can't imagine what would have happened.

If your children have been identified as being on the spectrum (even if it's just suspected,) go to your district and ask how they plan to help them; get to know the law and keep in mind your kids are protected by the ADA. Our district has a "diagnostic" preschool/kindergarten and many kids go from there to a regular classroom, some with an aide, some to an inclusion classroom with a SPED teacher, and some just go to school, but there is a clearer understanding and plan.

This is why kids on the spectrum are offered a classroom aide, to make sure that they and the kids around them are appropriately supervised. DS doesn't have one right now, and while things were fine until about 3rd grade, right now lunch, recess, and "specials:" PE, Library, Art and Music are times of extreme difficulty for him. We are going to the school when this term starts and asking for a plan of action to protect my son during those times.

One key issue I learned as a parent: see to it that everyone your child comes in contact with has the tools they need to help him or her; this should be done by someone at the school, not by you - but ask for documentation that shows that each teacher (and lunchroom staff) knows what they need to do to help your kid. For years we were getting great support in the classroom, and DS was falling apart everywhere else; it took us forever to figure out that this was because only the classroom teachers knew about his 504.

I'd homeschool him.

Sorry if you have mentioned this before, but does your son have a diagnosis?

I would definitely not put him in mainstream kindergarten, but I think a special kindergarten class could be helpful for him. Of course every child is different, and I don't know your son. You have to trust your mother's instinct.

The public school system can evaluate your son to see if he qualifies for services, and an IEP (individual education plan). My son was medically diagnosed at a very young age, 2.5, and at 3 yrs old, I placed him in the special education program in the public school. The teachers are trained in dealing with lots of the behaviors that you described. Your son won't be thrown into the mainstream if he is placed in the special education system. It would probably be a good way to get him adjusted to school. Then you can work toward getting him into a typical class later on as soon as he (and you) are ready. The only reason I am recommending this is that I have seen such a world of improvement in my son. He is now 5 and is in special needs kindergarten. He is in a class of only 4 boys with 2 teachers. He gets lots of one on one attention. He is learning, even though he is still disruptive in the classroom.

I am not sure that my son will ever be able to be in a mainstream class of 20 + kids, so I may eventually end up homeschooling him at some point. So, I am not saying that public school is the only or best way. I guess I am just saying that our experience overall has been positive and I feel he has benefited from it. Of course, we have been fortunate to live in an area that has good public schools and the teachers seem really in tune with autism. So, I guess it depends on that as well.

Good luck with your decision. I know this is really hard. I had a very hard time letting my boy go to school. But, I think it was the right decision. But, I will not hesitate to pull him out if it turns out to not be the right thing for him down the road.

I think you should try enrolling him in kindergarten and see how it goes. Sometimes children act differently when they're away from their parents.

If it doesn't work out, you might consider waiting or enrolling him in a kindergarten for autistic children.

For those who asked, my son has a diagnosis and an IEP since he was 3. His diagnosis is autism. He also has sensory processing disorder and an expressive/receptive speech disorder. My daughter also has a diagnosis of "autism spectrum disorder" and a 504. Though my daughter LOVES school, she has been bullied (verbally and physically) on the bus, in the lunchroom and on the playground. It took the 504, and a LOT of effort on my part, to get anything to change. This year is better. But her experiences last year made me even more fearful for my son.

"Normal" is a term that bothers me. My childhood was much as you describe yours. My fears have never been about my kids being or not being normal, but about how difficult life is going to be for them and how to best provide them with the tools to have positive, fulfilling lives - whatever that means for them personally. My son is highly intelligent. I have no doubt that he would no well academically, as he has always been advanced in reading, math, time, money, spelling and other concepts (his special interests are numbers, clocks, weather - since he was old enough to communicate this). He can easily do his sister's 1st grade homework. I think, given the right teachers and a decent set of peers, school could be a great place for him. It's been great for my daughter, who also has an ASD diagnosis. But she is more adept at keeping it together even when she feels like falling apart on the inside. She realizes that certain behaviors are unacceptable in public and she adjusts accordingly. I do not believe that this is within my son's capacity yet.

A lot of people discuss socialization. For my daughter, this has been very important because of her strong desire to interact and have friends. My son talks about it, but in practice he pretty much regards other kids as furniture most of the time. And he gets mighty peeved when they don't do as he thinks they should. I am a firm believer that kids should not be forced to socialize, but that they should be provided with the tools to do so if they want to - and that means explaining even the slightest of details and knowing that they will learn intellectually, not intuitively. I think, as you point out, closer supervision of socialization is important with kids on the spectrum. If nothing else, play dates where parents are there to point out proper etiquette and so forth.

While special education can be great in some circumstances (my son received some of this earlier on), I think it would be detrimental to him academically, and it is not currently on my list of options. I've already been told that, on her current pace, my daughter will be identified as gifted. My son is even more advanced for his age than she was at 5. His issues are primarily social and behavioral, which is the conflict I face with sending him to school. This is why the home school option was on the table - he can work at his own pace, and he truly enjoys learning. That, and what Chronos points out - kids do act differently away from mom/dad. It might be that our son can pull it together well enough to handle things for the duration of the school day - thought the all-day format has me a bit concerned. I would feel much better if there were a half-day option.

While opinions even here differ, most of the members think that using school to socialize is counter-productive. Your child will do better learning social skills in smaller, more controlled environments than in school, which can be socially challenging even for NT kids.

You send a child to school because (if) you believe the learning resources there are better for the child, not because you want your AS child to have social exposure, IMHO.

EDIT TO ADD:

My son's most useful social relationship to date, btw, was built outside of school via a carpool (with an extra half hour to kill, so we incorporated a little picnic each week). Someone my son most likely would never have connected with at school otherwise eventually became his best friend. They are drifting apart now, but it's still a very useful relationship. Just being at school together, however, wasn't what made it happen. That would be the source for his new best friend, who he connected to starting in 5th grade, which is when boys really part ways over different interests and form new bonds based on shared interests (all little boys like Legos, but not all middle schoolers like sports, and not all middle schoolers like role playing games).

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 01 Jan 2011, 8:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

StatMama, based on everything you've written, and knowing you already have both AS and school experience with the older child, I'm leaning towards homeschooling. It's great that you have the option and don't seem to be hesitant about being asked to become your child's primary teacher.

Overall, as you probably already know, a little fear is a good thing. We're supposed to be afraid of putting our children into new and challenging situations; it's a maternal thing. But, we learn to do it anyway. Our kids needs to learn and grow and they won't do that if they are never in situations at least a little bit over their heads. Amazingly, by the time they reach the dreaded milestone, they have actually matured enough to handle it. But you know this process; you know your son will develop quite a lot between now and the actual start of K, and yet remain unsure.

K is such a huge starting point. This sets his peer group for the rest of school. Once he starts, it gets very difficult to hold him back or pull him out. But if he doesn't start with that peer group ... he can still join them later. Institutional school definitely relies quite a bit on emotional maturity as well as intellectual maturity, and being too far off pace makes things difficult for the child. So ... if you can run parallel for a while until your child has matured a bit more, and you have a more solid picture of his needs, you might feel more comfortable choosing the right point.

I know it's a different situation, but my NT daughter is a fall birth, so we had all the hemming and hawing over when she should start school. Of her friends, all born in the fall, 1 was starting K young, and 1 was waiting. My daughter seemed to be in the middle, and we really struggled with the decision. In the end, we started her, but every year there is a crush with the emotional maturity gap. Heading into middle school next year, we're terrified. Academically she's more than ready (she is a GATE student); it's the growing up part. Interestingly enough, the friend who started school early like she did has since repeated grades in connection with a school switch. The one with the smoothest road? The one who waited in the first place.

As a consequence of my own experience, and my knowledge of how political and money driven school administrations can be, I have very little faith in the public school system to do anything different, even when they agree to do it. It may have changed somewhat since I was in school, and other states may be different. I agree with what momsparky is telling you. She's being an advocate for her child and this is what you'll need to do also if you send your kid to a public school. Even with a dx, schools don't jump up and volunteer to spend extra money on special considerations for disabled children. You can read other threads in this forum to find that out.

I hope you meant your childhood was like mine in the sense that kids were dumped unsupervised into playgrounds and not the sense that you had the mentality of a cornered animal. That's not fun and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. When I was a kid, other children were mostly furniture to me too. I didn't want to play with them because they didn't "do it right" and they didn't color inside the lines, etc. I was more interested in talking to adults about adult things. The only time I did much with kids my own age was when adults were present or when I was older (over 10). I don't think the schoolyard environment is particularly functional for NT kids myself, so I'd advise anyone that has any kid to send them to private school or home school if they had the means. I'm biased by my own bad experiences, but that's true of any human being. As such, I'd err on the side of protecting him from as many negative social experiences as you can, and controlling his environment as much as you can so he has positive interactions, gains confidence, and learns positive rather than negative coping skills (I learned to be vicious and mean just so people would leave me alone). One of the things I still have to do as an adult is be very careful what kind of environment I place myself in, because there are some that I can be successful in, and some I can't.

As for the term "normal", I don't like it either. I use that more because it usually connotes a meaning to most people I can't readily express any other way. To me, it's an undefinable word that means something to most people, but that I don't understand. It's only definable with reference to some specific issue or characteristic that can be statistically measured, but people don't use it this way. I use it when I "think" it will be helpful to communicate, but I'm only vaguely guessing. In this case I guessed wrong. Most people seem to have a conception of what "normal" is even when they're not so good at articulating it, and it gets in the way of thinking objectively, so this was my way of saying, "don't assume that what was helpful or good for you will be helpful or good to your son, and think in the moment, without regard to any preconceived notions of what is best for children". That I'm even having this conversation gives me high hopes you'll do a good job with your son, whatever you decide. As far as reducing the difficulty he has, I think my advice basically is that he'll have a better shot the less he has to deal with environments that aren't suited for him at a young age.

I remember even in kindergarden I was picked on by the other kids. There was another kid who had sensory issues like me. If someone's sneaker squeeked on the the floor it would hurt my ears and teeth the same with the other kid. Once the other brats found out about they would squeek their hands on the tables and their feet on the floor to get us to cover our ears. I learned at a young age not to show pain or discomfort when I hear a sound that set me off. The other kid did not learn to do this until the third grade making his life a living hell for the amusement of the NT kids.

Kid's would also talk me into doing all types of screwed up things like the time I dropped a chair from the third floor window onto a car's hood below. I had to learn not to listen to other kids because they thought of me getting into trouble was funny. They even talked me into lifting up the back of the teacher's dress. LoL

I would also get made fun of for not smiling or frowning. No matter what your child will do they will find a reason to hate him/her. There is a silver lining though your kid will make some friends who despite what the other brats do this friend or friends will stick with your child, I am speaking from experience on this one. Putting your child in homeschool will only hurt the kid in the long run. Your kid will not pick up the people skills they will need to pick up to fit in around people they do not know and make it in the work place once you are gone. These skills will make their college years go by easier perhaps even to find a partner. I was still awkward around people all the way up till my 20's but I could blend in and verbally defend myself when NT's were picking on me. I would not have developed this ability at home the social survival skills I picked up came from direct contact with NT's and the the bad things they do to autistic people.

Your kid is going to go to endure some pain if you leave him/her in school but will be in even more pain in the long run if you homeschool him/her. I often say I wish I was homeschooled but when it comes down to it I would have been worst off having weak social skills with an inability to make friends or even to work with others.

i have my kids in public school. my 5yo has similar issues to your son. we start school here at age 3/4 though so he is halfway done his second year. at first i tried to warn the school that he had problems and discribe him to them. they gave me funny looks and told me everyone thinks that. i said "yeah, ok whatever. you aren't listening to me. look at him(as he knocked everything off the principles desk) he does that stuff all day and i can't stop him." so i ended up leaving him there on the first day after warning the teacher that i doubted she could handle looking after him. i walked home, got in the house and the phone was ringing. it's the school. "can you come get domenic, he is having a problem." yes, i thought. i know that. that's what i said.

so after that we were told not to bring him back to school until they were ready for him. they got him an ea and we started off taking him in for an hour a day, then two hours, until he was going the whole day. when it's gonna be time for announcements or the bell to ring he puts on his headphones. yes, he gets picked on alot. and i'm told he's 'unteachable' but i doubt that. they are all about integration here so there are no special schools he can go to and to pull him out of school to homeschool him would be not only difficult to do because of the rules but he would have to pass the standardized testing in order to be allowed to continue homeschool, which i am certain he can't. he is lucky because he has my 4yo there to help him out and to play with him, and defend him agianst bullies. i know it shouldn't be that way but it is. the upside is that i get some time to myself(almost, still one baby at home) and he gets all his energy out not listening at school so when he comes home he's tired and ready to do something quiet or play in his room.

My daughter is very much like your son. School is very difficult for her. I pulled her from public school and placed her in a small school with small class size and more one on one attention. This seems to be the best fit for her. While she would love to be home schooled and does not find school pleasant, she is learning to get along with the other children, even if it is a painful process sometimes. I would fear that if she were home schooled she would become even more withdrawn and aloof. Being around other children during school days helps her if only to observe the social interactions of others. Also, she seems to learn better from the teachers and is less willing to do the work for me. I do believe kids can learn without typical academic instruction, but for my daughter she does benefit greatly from the experience of school. I feel it is an introduction to the world and should be a safe experience that teaches them the beginnings of how the world works outside of our not so typical household.

You might just wait a year, however I tried to do that and my daughter was too bright to be placed in Kinder when she was 6 so they moved her up. If you can find a small school with more naive children that would be best. In the school we are in the kids are just now socially maturing to a point where my daughter really stands out, and she is in second grade. I find it benefits her that she is seemingly unaware of how much she stands out but only time will tell if that changes.

In an ideal world the school would adjust to the child's needs and not expect the child to adjust to there's but we all know that does not happen in the real world. With the perfect teacher a special education class would be OK, but the chances of getting that are slim at best. Ideally all children are taught at the level they need to be taught, but in reality that does not happen. Only you know whether you have choices of schools other than the school your daughter is at, and only you can decide whether any of those schools are going to be any better. Sure an aide can be good, but it depends on the aide and I would not need to explain that to anyone, there are good and bad everywhere, and the ability of the aide to support the child at recess, lunch, and any other social interactions. Some children are only provided with aides for class time when in reality they need the aide for other times more. Ultimately you have to make the decision that feels right to you. Research here consistently shows that holding children back and starting them when they are older results in better outcomes and there is some push to change the school starting age, beacuse of that. It was changed about 15 years ago, but only by 2 months, but parents also have a great deal of leway, if the birthday is about 4 months before that date. For any child the way I see it is that if need be the child can skip a grade if they really are acadmencially advanced, emotionally ready for it, etc, if they do start school later and it is always better to er on the side of caution, than the face of prospect of trying to hold them back.

He needs to be in an environment where is sensory and emtional needs can be met. You cannot tell someone on the spectrum to not have sensory issues, the fact is we do, and we have to learn ways to control them and to cope with them. Sure social skills are important, but he will not learn them, simply by sitting in the classroom, and he would not learn them if he is so traumatised by being in the room, that he totally zones out anyway. Sure he needs to learn to manage the situations that cuase meltdowns, but that is easier said than done and will only be done one step at a time.

As for private verses public, special education, etc, in reality it depends entirely on the setting, the school, principal, teacher, aides, students, etc. I struggled in public schools and thrived at a private girls school. I was never friends with anyone, but I was not teased or bullied at the private school, I was simply ignored and I was able to spend breaks in the library if needed. My brother on the other hand had a much better experience at a particular public school. The private school he went to was the worst and while he did not do well at the first public school, he thrived at the second. Ultimately the school was more accepting, the students were allowed to understand difference and bullying was not tolerated. It existed but in small amounts and was stamped out whenever possible. The teachers were great as the principal was great. I know of kids who have thrived at specail schools, academically and otherwise.
The largest single contributing factor of any child coping in a school environment here is based on the principal, and the type of school has very little to do with it.

As for the weighted vest idea, I would totally support it, I am waiting for a weighted blanket for myself at the moment, I have heard so many good things about them.

Every situation is so unique. I can tell you what we did.

Hold back. As I was told by my MD - give your child the gift of time. He told us kids on the spectrum are developmentally up to two years behind other kids. It's not just starting K to think about.. it's having another year under his belt all the way through. That one more year of maturity when it's time to graduate HS. Use that year he WOULD have been in K wisely. Does your public school system offer anything like an early intervention pre-school? What can they offer you other than K if you hold back? It's a great time to work on some of those sensory issues. We had that, too. My son also had a 1/1 aide, and that helped. Was able to take sensory breaks and leave the classroom when things got overwhelming. He's in 2nd now and is almost weaned off that kind of assistance, and can deal with WAY more sensory stuff than I would have guessed and is doing pretty well with getting along with other kids. We didn't force him to play with other kids or fully participate socially his 1st time around in Kindergarten... it was about getting used to the enviroment of being in school, learning the routines, etc. The 2nd time he was in Kindergarten, he knew the routine, and was able to participate in the activities and was more social than the 1st time around.

Mine was on the young side for starting K - he was still 4 the first few weeks of school. The school told us to send him to K and we did because we did not have another option for that year without shelling out big bucks for something private for ASD kids. But what we did is INSIST on REPEATING Kindergarten the next year. We did everything we could to take extra stress away from my kid those early years. Academically, he was ready for 1st grade on paper, but in reality, he was still acting like a 3 year old in some cases. The extra year has done WONDERS for my son. This was a big decision for us, too. Good luck to you!