Please help me help my Mom

Post Reply New Topic

Hello WrongPlanet parents,

I am 22 years old, and recently came to realize that I have AS. The last few months have been extremely difficult for myself and my parents. I have been going to therapy, trying to come to terms with the difficulties that I have had over the years, and attempting to learn the life skills that I will need to be independent one day. My parents have put up with a lot over the years, and my diagnosis has been hard for them.

I have always had a particularly difficult time communicating with my mother. We just cannot understand each other's point of view very well, and most of our conversations end with her crying and both of us being extremely frustrated, even though both of us go into our discussions with the best intentions. I feel like I just can't explain my feelings very well, and she has trouble seeing my good intentions and gets defensive very easily. She has tried attending one of my therapy sessions, but that didn't really help.

I know that one thing that has helped me immensely over the last few months has been coming to WrongPlanet and being able to talk to/hear from people like me, who are on the spectrum and understand what I am going through. I think that my mom would benefit greatly from talking to other parents who can understand what she has to deal with. I know that she feels very alone right now, and doesn't know what to do. I have tried to get her to visit this site in the past, but she says that she doesn't want to. She's not really a computer person, and she thinks that hearing about other families like ours would make her even more depressed. But I honestly think that it would help her so so so much. We had another one of our "why can't you understand?" discussions this morning, and it has become very clear to me that there is nothing that I can do or say to help her at this point.

So I was hoping that maybe you all could help me out-what I want to know is:

Has WrongPlanet been helpful to you as parents of a spectrum child? How has it helped? Do you feel that reading other parents' stories has made you feel better/more hopeful about your situation?

My hope is to get my mom, and maybe my dad as well, to read any replies that I get here. I realize that she may not change her mind about the site, but I really don't know what else to do at this point, so here goes nothing *fingers crossed*

Also- feel free to mention any negative experiences you may have had/ ways in which the site has been less than helpful to you. I am looking for an honest response.

Thanks!
Kat

I really feel for you.
Wrongplanet has helped me immensly. I believe myself to be NT. My son was recently diagnosed with Aspergers. I believe there are many people in my family who are also on the spectrum - most of them in denial. Most of them also believe there is nothing different about my son - even though I have a diagnosis in hand. This site has helped me a lot because the more I read thoughts and feelings of those on the spectrum, the more I see HOW they are looking at something - which is VERY, VERY, different than how I look at something.

It may be unpopular to say this on this site, but I suspect it is easier for an NT to learn to understand an Aspie, than for an Aspie to learn to understand an NT. I don't always like what I understand.... but that's another issue altogether. There's a part of me that's invisible to you... and that's a hard pill to swallow sometimes, especially if I really love you and want you to love me.

This site has made it much easier for me to accept Aspie members of my family on their terms, without taking offense. If I don't take offense, I don't lash out or walk out. It's shown me that people on the spectrum struggle to understand what is going on around them, and make sense of it with the information available to them - no small task! Many times when I believed one of my family members was insensitive and uncaring - well... now I see that's not the full picture.

Your mother may very well be feeling very, very, lonely - and a bit shocked. From your mom's point-of-view, it's easier to accept that sometimes you don't like her, than to accept that you may not have the capacity to sympathize with her.

I have not had any bad experiences on this site. Sometimes I read posts that seem to bash NT's and come from the point-of-view that NT's need to be abolished because they are so evil - that's disconcerting and upsetting. That is not the norm though....

Islandmother wrote a great summary. Here is what I'll add or repeat:

I feel I've been helped most by the direct input from those with AS. Having someone articulate well what they've experienced, in a way my young child could not yet do, was amazing. Sure, tons of it is off the mark (each person is unique), but when it hits the mark, it's like a rare window.

Sometimes the commiseration with other parents is helpful, but that isn't what I draw the most from.

I think each person is unique in what they look for on an internet forum, and it isn't for everyone. For me, since I'm losing my hearing, it is also a way to communicate with fluidity that no longer exists in my real life. If I didn't need that, I might find a local support group to be more useful. I draw positive energy, after all, from being around living breathing people.



Well, then, just in case: "Hi Kat_Ross' mom!" Quite shocking to find your daughter is on the spectrum, isn't it? Not in a million years would I have come up with that one for my son, and when it was first mentioned as a possibility I confess I thought they were off their rockers. And then I did my research. Wow. It fits. It actually fits our whole family history, even those of us without enough traits to be on the spectrum ourselves. It is never easy to turn upside a lifetime of assumptions and interpretations, yet that is exactly what this diagnosis is asking you to do. Challenging, particularly at your daughter's age. You'll go through a type of mourning, and you should allow yourself to. After that, it's time to realize you've been given a set of keys, and you can use those keys to finally understand your daughter in the way you've always wanted to, but haven't been able to. I can't begin to tell you how much positive change happened in the life of our family once we knew that our son was AS, and came to understand what that meant.

It's not all roses; the "what if's" start to come at you pretty hard; but you've got no choice but to swipe those aside. You can't go back, and you can't beat yourself up for not knowing what you didn't know. Instead, realize that this is your chance to shake off all the advice, expectations, and judgments you've ever gotten from those persistently annoying third parties who always seemed to know everything better than you did: none of it ever applied, because your daughter was unique and didn't operate by that manual. Throw it all out. Start over.

Not everyone is an internet forum person, so if this is all you read, so be it. Hopefully, it will give you some idea you aren't alone and where to go to from here. Do look at our list of recommended reading, and make some plans to sit down with a book or two as you digest all this new information. There is a huge variety of books out there from all sorts of different perspectives, and some are quite uplifting. Way back when we first got the diagnosis we were told that reading all we could would help more than anything, and I have to agree.



Well ... our AS members can be a little TOO blunt at times, and very locked into their own perspective, so if you do decide to stay, realize there will be times that a conversation seems less than civil, and times you'll wonder why the other person just can't get your point. Long run, it's all instructive, for it gives you clues about how the variety of people on the spectrum tick, and if you approach those interactions with that perspective, you'll be less likely to take it personally when a conversation isn't going well. It isn't personal; it's just that there can be much bigger bridges to cross when AS is involved.

Thank you both for your thoughtful responses! I am going to wait a bit longer and then ask my mom to read everything sometime this weekend

My mother is the same way.

The long responses earlier are what I'd write if I could write better but I'll put it this way. Wrongplanet has been a god-send to me. I learn much more from the expriences of the Aspies themselves, than from materials written by researchers and doctors. Studies can show that Aspies can tend to have a certain trait but only the Aspies can tell me why in a way that makes me more sensitive to my child. Yes, we have to ignore some strange responses but they are easy to ignore.

My son is still so young (only 5.5) but I have been coming to WP for about 1.5 yrs. It has been invaluable to me. I love it because I don't have to drive anywhere to sit in a support group, and if I want to cry my eyes out over something I read, then I can do it freely. I feel that I get as much or more support here than I ever could from seeing a therapist on a regular basis, and this is FREE!

My experience is a little different since my son has had a diagnosis since he was 2.5 yrs old. So I guess I don't have the guilt for not knowing something was wrong. But all I can say is now that you know the struggles that you and your daughter have faced are coming from somewhere (AS) then why not take the time to learn about it so that you can learn where your daughter is coming from. Now is the time to let go of all the heartache and negativity that you have had through the years and find out who your daughter really is. She seems to want to try to make things better, so maybe with some time and patience, the two of you can work on your relationship and try to repair some of the hurt that is there.

I am sorry that you feel so alone, but I think that by coming to Wrong Planet, you will find a sense of support, and you will find insight from others who are on a similar journey to yours.

I hope you will take advantage of what you will find here.

Best wishes to you and your daughter!

I didn't get diagnosed until I was over 40. My parents had quite a time with me, as did my teachers. They all seemed to think I was just lazy and indifferent, and didn't realize I really just didn't get it. but as soon as I told my mom, she immediately told me I had to get it from her side of the family. And she was right.

A parent with a kid who has Asperger's, and does not know it, will feel that the kid is willfully opposing them when they are trying hard to comply.

WP has been very helpful to me in parenting my children, and ultimately has helped me be a better person. But I came to WP after I accepted the reality that my son is on the spectrum.

From what you wrote, I fear that your mom may be in denial or just hasn't fully accepted you for who you are. If this is true, then there is little you can do to change her. She will likely not be open to reading WP posts until she accepts your diagnosis as reality. This may require patience on your part. Remember the cliche about leading a horse to water but not making it drink. Similarly, you can throw tons of information, books, and support resources such as WP at your mom but until or unless she accepts your diagnosis, you may not be able to change her mind. My suggestion is, focus on working on the things that are in your control and move forward as best you can on your own, and just be patient with your parents and try to understand their point of view, which probably is that they are not yet ready to accept your diagnosis.

Edited for spelling.

Last edited by DenvrDave on 03 Jan 2011, 2:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Thank you everyone for your input.

After reading your post I had a good cry.
I am a mother of a son with AS. And I wish he could write how he feels the way you do.

If your mother is like me, she is blaming herself. I do every day of my life. I blame me.
Maybe I caused this, Maybe I could have done something different, Maybe if I had
known my son had AS earlier I could have fixed it, Maybe I have hurt him, Or am
hurting him, or maybe this is punishment for not being a better person.....
Maybe she is in denial but it may be she is just afraid she did something wrong. You
can not fix her you can simply be the wonderful person you are.

Society, schools, teachers, grandparents, friends, enemies, doctors, nurses....
Have all blamed the mother. I have been blamed for years until some kind doctor explained
my son was born this way.

Give your mom time and love. A mother just wants her child to be happy, healthy, safe,
loved, and able to handle the world around them.
Tell your mother you are happy. Let her see you are thankful and that you will always
love her.

As for this site, I am brand new and I am thankful beyond belief at the great place this is,
I only wish I had found it sooner.
~mm

I hope this works out for you and your mum does read this thread. The whole idea of starting this thread and the effort you have made is truly amazing. I have my fingers crossed for you too.

Aspergers does not mean "defective", and it's not a death sentence. It doesn't mean you are doomed to an existence of being an outcast either, I've found out there's alot of us around.

It doesn't mean you can't live a happy, successful, and fulfilling life. It isn't the result of something someone did, or didn't do, and it's not something you need to "fix" even if it were possible and you wanted to (I surely don't want to be "fixed").

It means you look at things differently, and see life from a different perspective. Not bad, not wrong, just different.

I've learned alot about myself over the years, two of them are.... that I suck at verbal communication and expressing my feelings. I do somewhat better in writing, my actions say more than my words ever will, because my words never seem to come out the way I want them too.... Another is that I'm the last person you would ever want to take to party, because I'm totally clueless and can't wait to find the exit door.

I wasn't diagnosed until my 30's, my parents I believe were and still are un-diagnosed themselves, so although I knew something was different (especially in high school) I never really thought it was "me" until I got married.

I don't come here as often as I have in the past, but it's been a great help over the years. Whoever said "the more you know the more you can understand" was right, and sometimes you find better coping skills or ideas by reading about someone else's experiences that you can later use to help yourself with the obstacles in your life. It's also nice to be able to relate to things other's have posted and know you're not alone although at the time you might feel that way.

WrongPlanet has helped me understand both my symptoms (undiagnosed until age 36) and those of my child (also an aspie). Through understanding, we are better able to get along with each other and have a loving, happy relationship.

Parenting a child that has undiagnosed Aspergers can be incredibly difficult; the constant tendency to argue can really erode trust. By increasing your understanding, you blame the condition for any frustrations instead of the child. The relationship becomes more positive and happy. You realize that your child is fighting a condition, and you take sides with your child against the condition, instead of taking sides against your child.

This is true for adult aspies as well. Suddenly I realize that some of the quirky relatives in my family are not just strange; they have Asperger's Syndrome. Now I feel much closer to them and understand them better.

kat_ross, tell your mom that this community cares about you as an individual (because we do) and understands you. We see your strengths (independence, ability to focus and solve complex problems, etc.), not just your challenges, and we're here to encourage you in using those strengths to make the world a better place.

This website has been for me and my family a Godsend. I have learned more from listening to, and asking questions of the actual people who live on the spectrum than anywhere else. It not only has given me insight into what it's like to be inside my child's (and husbands) head, but it has given me a deep appreciation for the value of this population. It was life changing for me, particularly in my marriage, and a great support for my son through me. Because of this new insight I look at my husband much differently that I did before and it has changed the dynamic of our marriage for the better in so many ways. I don't know if he is AS, but he certainly has many traits, and he feels that learning about AS has given him insight and understanding of himself, and a reason for certain difficulties in his life. It has also given me a totally new perspective. I no longer get defensive, or feel like he doesn't care how I feel, or see him as difficult and argumentative or insensitive, or see him as someone not interested in what I have to say. I understand how he feels things, how hard it is for him to sometimes connect with, and express those feelings. I could go on and on. There are so many things I realize now that I didn't understand, and I got that understanding here.

What you could do, when you see something on here that really resonates with you but is said in a different way than you have expressed, print it out or copy and save it in a document that your parents can read. Try giving this site to them in small doses and go from there. The more you are on here, the more ways people share their feelings and experiences. There is a lot on here that can explain how you feel and what you go through, it can show that wonderful things can come with autism, and that it isn't necessarily a bad thing, and not everyone here wants to be NT.


Good Luck, and keep posting. This is a great place with great people!

WP has been very helpful indeed.

I was diagnosed at 28 and I suffer from anxiety, depression and PTSD. I had a hard time with both parents especially after they split up and I was subjected to their redirected anger or resentment and they were subjected to my immature behaviour. It wasn't until I got treatment for Anxiety and after diagnosis getting Psychodynamic Therapy that things improved alot. I'm still working on learning how to make friends (I never picked up the skill), to socialise, and with romance and love. And it now makes sense that I love some animals like I do, and keep befriending the neighbour's cats! (a great way to meet your neighbours)

WP has showed me I'm not a loser or an f-up. There are many people I can relate to here, I find excellent advice from others, and I'm learning to share wisdom with other members too.

I want to point out your mother has to come to terms with your diagnosis herself. Maybe she could talk to a separate counselor, if she agreed to that. If she doesn't come around, you'll have to accept that. My gran seems to have not entirely accepted my diagnosis, but then she is 90!