Need advice with my 7 year old son.

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I am new here and just found this forum recently. Reading from many has helped much for understanding what my 7 year old is dealing with. I am a 43 year old mom (ADD) and have two sons. Almost 20 year old son is in Army he is ADHD. I have dealt with issues with school, behavior and such so it has helped me to be able to push this awful school system to help my younger son. This past summer he was diagnosed with AS. Early on we thought he had ADHD but once he started school we knew it was more than ADHD when noise became an issue for him yet he could be so loud. That his acting out was from his brain having to deal with all the sensory overload.

He is very noise sensitive and wears ear plugs a lot just here at home. I have two small dogs and they drive him crazy just getting water out of the bowl. I can only imagine the noise and the issues that are all slamming into his head on a daily basis when he is at school. Since I am NT I can change what I do to help him cope. I suspect my husband (we are separated) could be AS since he has many traits and even said he thinks our son is him times ten. Big difference is my husband keeps it all in and my son lets it out. Very happy he lets it out good or bad because it helps us to know what situations bother him the most. I have been able to change how I communicate with my husband and just that has helped so much.

I really need help with two things. First, he thinks he has to punish himself and he will hit himself, slap himself or pinch himself. He was playing his Wii and missed something and wacked himself in the head with the controller. If he is doing homework and writes the wrong thing he will poke himself, say he is stupid and such. We tell him no worries we can fix, try again and such but he still thinks he has to do this. As a parent it breaks my heart to see him hurt himself. He is in therapy but she has not done much (we all go together to his appts) we are stuck with her for now but we are hoping to get that changed soon with different insurance. My husband and I have done a lot better on our own with reading and just trying new ways with him. I would love to know anything else I can do or not do to help him.

Second is the noise issue. I know this is most likely going to be a problem with him his whole life. We have ear plugs and at school he will even use the ear plugs with headphones on top when he is more sensitive. He also has days that are better than others. I'd like to know if there is anything else I can do to help him cope.

I will be moving soon as there are not any resources in this area. His brain is so far beyond what they do in the classroom here I hate having to even send him to that noise box.

Thanks in advance for all advice.

I am 14 so i'll try to help you about your son rather than on your parenting (I'm missing some experience lol)

I did have some similar behaviors about self-punishment. I'd say that it comes more with bad self-esteem than anxiety. Personally, all my problems about this stopped when I controlled my always lowering self-esteem. My meds also helped me but that's off topic.

Has your therapist thought about doing a desensitizing program for noise level? Even if it doesn't make the issues completely go away, maybe he would be able to make it through his day a little more comfortably. I know some people don't like the idea of desensitizing, but it can be done slowly and with a lot of support. The world is not always going to be accommodating and you can't control every environment, so getting him used to noise may help him a lot in the future.

Thanks so much for posting! I really welcome all sides especially yours hello07 because you are someone that lives it and has to deal with these things every day. I really like this site because I get to see the other side. And I know there is stuff that AS cannot change about him and he is wired like that and it does not matter to us. He is who he is going to be but I know there are things I can do to help him being only 7 he has a hard time telling us.

I must say I asked him a question in therapy and he did not want to answer. He started to go into his mode/meltdown. I said you can tell me why you know you are safe with us. The Dr. said well does that work for you. I said yes sometimes. My husband said yes sometimes we say it and he goes off to his room and then can come back and talk about it. She was such a &^%$# and goes well if it is not working you just need to stop it. If I stopped everything that did not work I guess he would be doing nothing. That woman is no Dr!! Guess what lady you are not working and we will be stopping you. He gets overwhelmed and just can't get his thought out. We tell him when he is ready we are ready. He is still really shy around this Dr. and now it is so long between appointments it is like he has to start all over.

He is on meds too which he is able to sleep and eat with and they really help him get through the day. I hate him being on any meds but I think his brain would explode from all that it is hit with. We take it one day at a time and each day is new day.

Thanks again for your input!

A good therapist for a child will conect with them, and he will like going there, they will get on the floor and play with him, colour in with him, etc. It does not sound like this woman has much idea of how to work with a 7 year old. But I also understand that finding a good one can be difficult. Only you can decide though whether actually going to her is worth your while until you can find another one.

I do think that he can learn to better handle noise. That does not mean that he will ever enjoy it, I don't. I cannot be in the house when the vacuum is on, have to keep doors and windows closed all the time, do not listen to music and always have the TV on low if it is on, but I can tolerate being in public places for small periods of time, without ear plugs, and I am studying at a small college for a few hours a week. Desentisation is about the best thing that I could think of off the top of my head to assist him with this.

You do need to try to boost his self esteem and that is something the school is also going to need to assist with, but if they are not working with you that is difficult. I heard a lovely storey recently of a young child about 7, with Autism who was constantly sent to the principles office when she was overwhelmed and could never understand what she had done to get sent there. She was not connecting the behaviour the teacher said was wrong with the punishment, at one stage saying she was sent there for tying her shoe laces!! Nothing in terms of communicating with the school was working. They changed schools, the new one was wonderful, including the principle, but the girl was scared about WHEN she would be sent to the principles office, because it wasn't happening. The mother pasted this onto the teaher and principle and they said they would look at what they could do to make her think this new principle was also nice. They got the whole class to go to the principles office to read to her, and things like that. Soon the girl realised that the whole school was different, including the principle and that she did not need to fear the principle.

Honestly if he were my son I'd tell him that every time he whacks himself in the head, he loses a few brain cells, and one of those brain cells might just be the one that helps him with homework later that night, so he had better stop whacking himself in the head or he's going to be pinching himself a lot more.

Tell him the logical thing to do would just be to learn from his mistake and try not to make it again. He also has to learn that failure is inevitable at some point and there's no use sitting around beating ones self up over it.

But part of this is a pride issue I think. He really just can't accept that he's just not Mr. Perfect. So I'd instill in him that part of being a strong person is being able to accept that you're not perfect.

As for the hypersensitivity issue, in AS, for some reason it seems to be worse around ages 6 and 7. It may very well drop off as he ages.

Yes, I really think the sensitivity to noise is wost around 7 years of age. It was for me, and also for my son (now 9). Eventually your child's maturity will help him temper his frustration; noise will always bother him, but he'll slowly learn to deal with it.

Don't try to desensitize him too much at home. Remember, he just spent the WHOLE DAY being bombarded with noise at school, so he needs some rest and recovery at home. Let home be his safe place. The world will push his boundaries, so don't feel bad if you have to adjust your home environment a bit to give him some comfort. Be accomodating where you can, understanding that he can't help his sensitivity. When you cannot accomodate your child's needs (you can't change the world), just be honest and non-argumentative.

The self-hitting is probably just venting of frustration. Also, stimming behavior feels good and counteracts the frustration. Is he doing any serious harm to himself? If not, just slowly encourage him to vocalize his frustrations instead of hitting himself. Most of us shout and use language to release frustration, but it will take time to shift his behavior in that direction. Find some non-offensive curses that he can use, and start using them regularly yourself; he'll probably pick them up. If he hurts himself, consider seeking help for that issue specifically, and monitor his self-esteem. Explain to him that making mistakes is how we learn, and that being smart doesn't mean you always do everything perfectly.

Counselors are just people. It sounds like yours isn't helping. Have you looked for a counselor that actually has Aspergers, or at least specializes in the condition? Someone with first-hand experience might understand your child's needs better.

Good luck!

You know, the way kids like my son think, that logic could be pretty powerful. Good suggestion.

On the noise issue ... I found my son outgrew most of his noise sensitivity. At age 7 I think it's important to simply honor it, and after he's achieved some level of peace and control then you can talk to him about learning to accept more noise. We didn't do any official therapy; my son just got tired of missing certain parts of life because of his noise sensitivities, and started slowly forcing himself back into situations where noise can be an issue. His choice, his timing. Worked quite well.

Thank you so very much for all replies! This will all be very helpful. I do feel like just letting this so called Dr. go as she is not doing anything for him. He hates going and wants us to answer all the questions for him. She has some toys and stuff but has not gotten around to do anything with him. I think she needs therapy! With where we live and the insurance we were pretty much stuck with her but that will be changing soon. And will look for an AS child therapist too.

We have a great after school routine. He comes home and plays computer, xbox or Wii and he is able to decompress and get all the noise out from school. We then have dinner and homework and snuggle time.

I have the window blocked when he is home so the dogs can't see out so they can't bark. I don't do any errands after school with him unless dire emergency. I try to do all shopping store things when he is with his dad. He loves music and he lets me know how high to turn it up or how low it needs to be. When we do go out to do errands I make them the in and out ones, quiet places and he knows how many and where we are going. Then it still gets him out but not in the sensory overload.

Our bedrooms are on the opposite side of the house and then my bathroom. He was in his room playing his xbox and came out and said that bird is driving me crazy. I said what bird. The bird was on the other side of my bathroom peeping away. That was when I knew he was extremely sensitive to the noise. But not every day. I'm glad to hear that it can get better for him with age and I agree as he gets older he will know what to do right away to help. He is really good now saying I have to get my ear plugs.

And thank you so much for the advice on the hitting! I will be trying that right away. Wonderful forum and thanks for helping this NT mom give her AS son all the help he needs for a great life.