Lord give me Strength

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My son is a 20 y/o with Aspergers. I'm at my wits end, as I have been for the past 6 years. He lies, he steals, he can't get a job, nothing else matters but his fixation which happens to be Chevy trucks. Rules don't matter if it doesn't fit into his own logic.

I love my son but it is so difficult to love him! I know this sounds positively horrible, but I have no idea how to deal with him. Nothing works. He's already cost us thousands of dollars on traffic offenses simply because he didn't understand he was supposed to do ending up in warrants for his arrest, etc. etc. He doesn't understand that he doesn't understand! So naturally he doesn't ask us or take our advice or let us help him.

I don't know how much of him anymore is Aspergers, or using Aspergers as the crutch, if that makes sense. How do I help my son to have a positive happy and successful future? Is this possible without parental supervision for life?

That is what happens when "special interests" do not get pointed in useful directions beyond self-gratification.


You are in an extremely difficult place where a provider ends up being a situational enabler.

To continue on as at present will ultimately destroy everyone.

Have him declared disabled or incompetent and let "the system" manage him and his affairs ...

... and welcome to WP!

I've certainly considered that, but I can't even get a doctor to agree he has it! Well they "agree" but since he's not formally tested they won't document it. I can't find someone to formally test him, HIPAA problems, he's over 18, blah blah blah, then the delays make me question what is right again, so I stop looking, and then we're back to square 1 until I try again.

Please forgive me for assuming your son had already been "officially diagnosed".

stealing and lying are not typical aspergian or autistic traits.... not even close.....

True enough, but that does not mean none of us ever just do whatever we think/believe we must in order to do what we believe/think is most important.

Does he not want to be tested? If that's the case then your options are limited. I'd say call social services and plead your case. If nothing else, they can point you in the right direction of who can help you.

Have you considered this as an emotional thing?

Well, I am not sure what to say here.

For starters, if your child has Asperger's Syndrome (which you believe to be the case), then you can deal with that. You can give your child some tools, and help him learn what he needs to know. Furthermore, he can put forth the effort in becoming a better person and learning to deal with the problems that he has. You said, "Rules don't matter if it doesn't fit into his own logic." Which indicates that he does listen to rationality if it makes sense to him, and you can use that. You may need to spend some time getting to know him, in order to understand how he thinks, thus allowing you to talk with him, and help him understand what he fails to understand. And that may not be easy, but if he is willing to learn, and your willing to learn how he learns so you can teach him, then you can deal with the problems.

However, if his problems are due to a willful and intentional immaturity, a complete lack of regard for other people, and no desire to learn or adapt, then you don't have many options. You can't fix willful and intentional stupidity. If you could, then there wouldn't be any people in jail, or living on the streets addicted to drugs. About the only thing you can do is let him fall on his own sword, and hope that gets him to realize the value of actually thinking.

So, all that to say. I would first start out by sitting him down, and trying to talk to him like a rational adult. Tell him that you want to help, but in order to help he needs to put forth his share of the effort and work on dealing with his own problems. If he is unwilling to work on his problems, and just wants to run around doing whatever he wants with no regard for anybody but himself, then let him go for it. He will be out of money, and hitting rock bottom pretty soon. At that point, he might be more willing to help himself.

I know it is difficult for you when you love your son, but I think at this point he needs to take some responsibility - if he is truly handicapped by his AS, he needs to acknowledge that he needs professional support and take it, in the same way he'd need to do if he were an alcoholic, diabetic, or any other condition needing care. I think there is nothing wrong with saying "I will help you do X and Y, but other than that, you are on your own." (with X and Y being concrete things like "assist you in getting a diagnosis" or "help you write a resume") I would let him know that your career as a bail bondsman is over, and that from this point on, you will not pay for any future tickets or other legal issues, and if he winds up in jail, so be it - Tracker is exactly right.

As a person with mental health issues, - I know I am ultimately responsible for managing my own care, and nobody else can do that for me. I am the one who makes sure it doesn't get so bad that I'm in a crisis; I am the one who makes sure that I check myself into the hospital if things get really bad (I've never had to do that, but I do have a plan, just in case.) You are not going to be around forever - your son needs to learn this now, not 20 years from now.

I did a bit of googling on adult children, I thought this article was pretty balanced: http://www.focusas.com/Boundaries-YoungAdults.html and here's another: http://www.empoweringparents.com/Rules- ... ildren.php?

Good to get me thinking about this stuff; it's only 10 years away...

I have been thinking more about this, and I would like to add an addendum.

Part of the problem is that I don't understand the situation, and short of sitting down with the family for a few hours, there is no way that I can. All I have to go off of is a few sentences from one person's perspective, and that is hardly enough to form a complete picture.

So, I would just like to state this clearly: I don't know what the problem is, but I know that there are no problems that can not be solved with enough calm, determined, and earnest effort from the people involved. Sometimes the solution may involve compromise. Sometimes the solution may involve accepting the truth, even if you don't like what the truth is, and sometimes the solution isn't what you thought it would be. But to simply abandon any hope of a solution because the current situation isn't working is not going to accomplish anything. Ignoring the problem, enabling the problem, and complaining about the problem is not nearly as affective as addressing the problem.

The point I was trying to make in the previous post is that if you are to have a good resolution, you need to do more then just complain about the problem. You need to spend some time talking with your son, figuring out why he is having the problems, and then figure out a solution. And that solution will depend on a determined, and earnest effort from your son because ultimately, it is his life. There is nothing you can do TO him in order to solve the problems that he is having. Trying different approaches and techniques designed to work AT him aren't going to fix the problem either. The only way you will come to a solution is to work WITH him, because if he isn't involved in the solution, then you have no solution.

And that is why I encourage you to talk with him first. It is very easy to confuse a deliberately self destructive and immature person with somebody who is simply just lost and confused. And taking the advice of letting him fall on his own sword isn't going to help him if he is really trying, but is simply confused on how or what to do to help himself. So, as for my advice to let him face the consequences of his actions without help; make sure that the problem really is just a lack of him caring, and being deliberately immature. Because if the problem isn't something he can fix, then letting him fail isn't going to teach him anything.

Thanks Tracker, I really appreciate your responses. They are very thoughtful and helpful. We only learned he had Aspergers when he was 18--so we spent his HS years thinking his problems were just attitude. It is hard for us to determine if he understands our conversations. I thought I was making sure he did, but later on his actions show otherwise. Plus he will certainly lie if lying means getting what he wants, and that doesn't help us to help him. Thanks again--