When HUGS are no longer acceptable

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I have a 12 year old son who has Aspergers, ADHD, OCD and anxiety. We have a terrible time with the school telling us that our son keeps wanting hugs from teachers, staff and students. We explain that you can't do that. We encourge High 5's or Knuckle Knocks but no hugs. We also have an issue of him asking other kids (both younger and now classmates, boys and girls ) to lift their shirts so he can see their bellies. This was an issue a couple of times last year on the school bus and it's happened the first of this year and now just recently. The principal asked him why he did it and my son said because he had feelings. He was asked if they were sexual and he said yes. Now that's going to be in his file. When he came home I was talking to him and asked him if he knew what "sexual" was and he didn't know. I'll be talking to the principal again tomorrow because I know they will try to use that against my son if this happens again. He has ISS tomorrow but if it ever happens again they will probably suspend him or call DFS. The school knows his diagnosis, etc. etc. We go through all this every year.

What I would like to know is if anyone else in the forum has had a simular situation and how they have handled it. My son is a good kid he just doesn't understand the social queues or situations like he should which comes with the Asperger's but I'm just so worried for my kiddo. He's only been diagnosed with AS in the last year.

Thank you for any help or advise you can offer.

My parents told me when I was an infant when they picked me up I would cry until they put me down and when I was a toddler I would resist hugs by kicking and throwing head butts. Your son is lucky he is able to touch someone without feeling uncomfortable.

Have you asked your kid to describe his feelings? It sounds like a simple curiosity, or a temporary fascination.

I myself have Asperger's, and I had a fascination about hair between 11 and 14, I happen to love physical touch especially hugs, though I was too shy to do anything or approach people about it. touch (in-)sensitivity and hearing (in-)sensitivity are the most common sensory issues people with Asperger's have.

The school need to get that your son is still learning about his feelings (as any 12 year old is), and may misunderstand what feelings mean what. Thinking about consequences is harder for boys at this age until we hit roughly 18. also, people with Asperger's often have delayed emotional maturity (rule of thumb is roughly 2 years delay).

With his disabilities and behaviour, I say your son may need plenty of social and "sociosexual" education (understanding appropriate behaviour, understanding feelings and thoughts, desire, love and relationships, what women and men want, etc), and some allowance for his true maturity and having ADHD/OCD.

That doesn't sound too tricky a situation- can't you just tell the headmaster that he doesn't mean anything by it, it's just an Aspie curiosity?

I loved getting hugs and things as a child, from people I knew well. In the street I would ask my mum for a hug every five minutes (I don't remember this, my mum said so) and I asked my dad to pick me up until I was...11? I only stopped because my dad said I was getting too big, but I think it's because he thought I was getting too old. I would sit on his knee until 13, I really had no problem with physical contact when it came from people close to me. With my peers, I usually shied away from hugs and touching, especially because they were often light, gentle touches (I crave firmer touch), but also because I just didn't know how to do it. Watching the other kids, they did it in a certain way. The things I hate due to sensory issues are people touching my arms and shoulders. My upper arms are often super sensitive. There's this boy at school who I quite liked, I wanted to get to know him better, we'd talked a bit already. Then he came past me one day and casually reached out and squeezed my shoulder. Ouch! I hardly talk to him now. I don't know why, I still think he's interesting, but just the association? I don't know. Something I'll get over in the future with some discipline.

Thats a tough one. I think its sad, in a way, that we cant ask for hugs. Im not a big hugging person but if it were something I needed how difficult it would be if someone told me it was wrong to do?
I will say that I think it was wrong of the principal to ask your son if asking the other kids to raise their shirts was sexual. I would tell him not to have this type of conversation with your son ever again....I think, when I was your sons age I would have answered yes as well. People of authority are and were very scary to me and I would answer yes to what they asked and I would also not have understood the question. I think the school needs to be more understanding but I know this is not a perfect world. I had a friend who has an Aspie son. He was kicked out of high school because he had a crush on a girl. He showed very little emotion, very flat and monotone. He scared the girl by asking her out on a date and she told her parents. They complained to the school and the principal there did not like this boy to begin with. He actually told my friend Mother (who went to pick him up from school) that he thought her grandson could be a serial killer!! ! The poor boy is now 23 and will probably never ask a girl out again. People are so uneducated and those that are dealing with our kids have no place to be so ignorant.
I hope that you find a solution and I hope your son comes to understand the way these people expect him to act and it does not hurt him in any way.

Consider a weighted vest for school and a weighted blanket for home?

Other than that I'm not sure how to handle the fact of the sexual thing being on his permanent record. I always liked hugs myself too, but never had any problems with it in school as I was known to give the best hugs and everyone liked it. I think people are different this day and age though.