*§*AS-Parent Support Group*§*

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This is a thread for AS parents, ( whether our child(ren) is/are AS or NT), to share about what this is like, for us to freely howl/rage/despair and sometimes jubilate, exchange advice and seek/give support.

Obviously non-parents and NT parents can read the thread, but please do not post. This is meant to be for AS parents. Thank you very much.

The reason for this thread is that although there is a Parent's Forum for parents of AS children to discuss difficulties on it isn't about being an AS parent.

I don't think the problem is so much the number of "NT" parents on the Parent's Forum, with all the NT capacities ( for negotiation; imposing regular routine on another; multi-step paperwork etc etc, and sometimes advocacy work involved in parenthood, etc ) which many NT can't help taking for granted, nor the predominantly NT perspective on what is ok in a child, though that can be a problem, so much as that it's about the children.

Which is fine, but I have particular difficulties being a parent because I am AS, and I sometimes feel all those classically AS things, irremedially irresponsible, immature, prone to exaggeration or black and white thinking, "silly", slow, like a child, over-excitable/emotional, etc, on the Parent's Forum because after all it's supposed to be about the real AS children right, the ones still under-18.

Have put thread on here because this is a slow moving forum but also because it offers some protection from possibly hostile, perhaps uncomprehending, potentially "hurt" gaze of family members, friends and colleagues, when all one is doing is venting.

Does anyone think a poll would be useful? If have ideas for one in next 32 hours or so can put one on. Let me know.

Last edited by ouinon on 23 May 2008, 2:31 am, edited 2 times in total.

You can make a poll if you like, though i must say i didnt really get what the poll was supposed to be about? (maybe im tired or just stupid )

Im glad this thread is up and i hope people will benefit from it. I have probably met a lot of difficulties being a parent that i wouldnt have if i was "normal". Like birthday parties, family gatherings etc. I just cant appreciate that stuff. So many NTs really dont get it at all. I try to do it for my daughter and stuff but sometimes, i just cant handle it. And people frown upon me for not being able to. But what the heck am i supposed to do?

I'll start. I have two daughters, 17 and 18. The first time I felt like something was wrong with my parenting was at the very beginning when I read about how moms talk "baby-talk" to their babies. I don't do baby talk. I have a deep voice and it is monosyllabic and I am physically incapable of speaking any other way. I felt like I was a horrible parent and my kids would be damaged by my inability to speak in the way mothers are supposed to speak.

I could share a million more such stories. but will keep it to one thought per post at a time.

BTW ouinon, I support your strong suggestion that NT parents and non-parents should refrain from posting here.

Absolutely dreaded birthday parties, either giving them or taking my kids to them. NT parents trying to one-up each other. Small talk - not in my comfort zone. Similarly hated anything to do with being at the school, such as being asked by the room mother to help out at the next birthday party month.

I meant that if anyone thought it would be useful or interesting to know something about the AS parents who use this thread then now is the time to tell me, because i couldn't think of anything. I'm obviously feeling tired or stupid aswell!


My son homeschools but I remember when I tried going to a sort of mother and toddler group at one point in town, and I thought it must be because I was english, or because I was depressed, or because I was a feminist, but I virtually always ended up sitting there saying nothing, though in fact I had masses to say.

Everyone else was happily sharing biscuits and chatting about nothing. And when I heard something interesting and plunged in I gradually realised that I was being way too serious and taking over but once I was onto something, like breastfeeding or something equally important only one woman one of the two "careworkers" would carry on talking to me. Everybody else would go silent and then start talking to each other in small groups.

I used to think it was because I was obviously an awful mother, or politically too extreme. And they always seemed so well dressed, all pretty and dainty. I actually said that once, to the careworker again, who was probably paid to listen to exactly poor cases like me, which I was aware of too which was very embarrassing. And she said, oh yes, is it different in england? I didn't know, I just felt so big/tall and awkward and darkly and oddly dressed, and unfeminine.

That was just one place. So I can't imagine what it's like if child goes to school aswell. Aaarrrgggh!

Last edited by ouinon on 23 May 2008, 3:39 am, edited 4 times in total.

I didn't even notice/know this at the time; only found out afterwards that I "should" have been. It was awful to think that that was what I was supposed to have been doing with him all the hours in the first months when as far as I concerned there was nothing to do with him. I read Dickens and George Eliot, and he lay on his cushions near me. And never a word I spoke to him.

Last edited by ouinon on 22 May 2008, 4:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I cant say im looking forward to my daughter starting school and all the stuff that will have to be arranged in regards to that. Birthday parties with 25 loud children, moms, soccer practice... It makes me wanna scream. If i think like this long enough ill eventually have a meltdown. It scares me a whole lot. What if i cant step up to the plate and take care of my daughters needs? What if i just run away? I have a tendency to avoid stuff that makes me really nervous and eventually leads to meltdowns. On top of that, my bf doesnt really understand this at all and i know he would look at me as a bad mother if i dont do everything that NTs do. He already does, because im so crap with chores around the house sometimes....

I speak to my daughter. But i feel like i sometimes dont do it enough. In the beginning i hardly said a word to my baby girl, cause... I didnt know. But thank god, babies became an obsession for me. I read all i could about them and i started practicing everything and trying to keep everything the way they were written in the book. Of course ive failed horribly at times, but... Atleast ive gotten some helpfull tips from all those books.

Great idea for a thread Ouinon!

I have certainly had to soften my black and white thinking and learn to deal with emotions more effectively while raising my NT'ish daughter. Actually she is a teenager now and with it I am finding my role is becoming diminished. I am looking for ways to maintain a strong bond with her while at the same time give her enough space to become an adult. I am finding it to be a delicate balance.

Yep. I had that too. I wanted to run away almost every day, certainly several times a week, for the first two years.

I went along to meetings of a local La Leche ( breastfeeding) League run by an american woman for a while , who I could talk to more easily.

At one of the first get togethers, a picnic for all the parents and their children in her garden I felt so overwhelmed by how happy and relaxed it was, ( compared to me at home with my son ) , us all sitting around in the sunshine, and women breastfeeding in all directions, and everybody dressed so laidback, and a couple of people playing guitar, etc etc, that I started crying when she came over to greet us more fully.

I told her that I was post-natally depressed and I felt embarrassed even saying it. She said, "No , you're not, you just need a hug". It took her 18 months to realise that what I had said had been a just and accurate assessment... ... ... and to call in the Maternal and Infant Protection Agency, without my say-so, because she was finally finding my talk worrying enough to do so.

Then I was angry. I had told her 18 months before and she had said all I needed was a hug, ( which I had passively accepted as gesture of goodwill, but of no use to me at all) . She enjoyed playing supportive earth-mother bountiful . But she did not respect my judgement. I was just being over-emotional/exaggerating.

I dealt with the MIPA by being super positive, having tidied the house manically the night before, and explaining that this and that had been stressful but things were better now. The woman came a second time 3 months later, but she seemed satisfied.

Last edited by ouinon on 22 May 2008, 5:22 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I'll chime in too, Dad of two aged 9 and 12 - I find each day a major struggle with parenting challenges

Do you attempt to hide your traits from your kids?

mine remark on my preference to solitude which leaves me feeling uncomfortable/bad about myself

No. Or at least not consciously.

Took me two years of depression to reach a point at which I felt able, entitled, to ask for time off. It was like breaking down a wall getting to that. I felt as if I was asking for way too much. But as soon as I started to take time for me things started to get better.

I could have written that. The number of times that has happened to me is innumerable, and I've just come to the conclusion that I need to just keep my mouth shut when I'm around people I don't know well.

Of course. Why should we speak to something that doesn't speak back? It makes no sense. I didn't talk to my kids for the most part either, but I did do one thing right: I read a children's book to them every night before bed starting from when they were old enough to sit up and look at the pictures. Now they are both intelligent and excellent readers.

That's enough NT crap for an entire thread. I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you.
I can't tell you the number of times I freaked out because I though CPS (Child Protective Services in the US) would come a callin'.

BTW sorry for the triple post. I have to figure out how to post different thoughts/topics in one post.

I think "baby-talk" is stupid and condescending to kids, imho. I never did it with my son and don't apologize for that. I don't have a flat affect or anything (I don't think!), but my voice (apparently) changes between a deep ("for a woman") voice to a higher-pitched, slightly more "girly" voice when I'm excited/overstimulated.

Please don't feel guilty for not talking baby-talk to your baby. Not everything NT parents typically do is "right" or "useful."