Adult Aspergers and handling the anger problems!

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My nephew who is 23 has Aspergers and in the last year has become very angry. He wants everything his way, doesn't want to go to work, doesn't understand when people aren't available to do things with him when he wants to, takes out his agressions on his parents and is now cussing and pushing at his parents. What to do?

He is probably just stressed at the fact that he has to be an adult and frustrated that things don't go his way, however, if I were one of his parents, I wouldn't put up with such disrespectful or aggressive behavior from a 23 year old son.

I would tell him I'm certainly willing to help him but if he is going to be disrespectful of physically aggressive then is going to have to move out.

Probably best not to get involved as the Aunt, unless you have a family dynamic that is conducive to that. I would say that it is his parent's problem, but at 23 it is really his problem.

There is a family dynamic, I am his Aunt but I am also in a position of being is caregiver if something happens to his parents. My sister who's his mother is my twin and she needs me, therefore, I am there for her and my nephew. Only getting involved because they need all the help they can get.

At 23 years old he requires a caregiver? Forgive me for asking for clarification, but does he have Aspergers or Classic Autism? Will he be homebound for life, or will he eventually live a life alone?

MidLife Aspie can you give some advice on how to handle his anger? I think the main thing is is that they are afraid of him hurting them or himself when he gets like this. Anything sets him off, if he calls someone and they don't immediately return the call he begins screaming and crying. Any advice?

The problem is that his parents have not had enough guidance through all of this. He has always been a sweet and respectful kid until recently. He does live with his parents but he has a job working at publix. They have recently looked into a class at USF that teachs life learning skills. He would have to live away from home for a year which I think would be wonderful. He does not need a caregiver per say, but someone to look out after his interests as he ages. What is offered out there for him regarding living facilities, etc.?

He has been diagnosed with Autism but with a low IQ.

Gosh, I wish I could offer some kind of sage advice, but my son is only 2 and I am still getting the hang of this parenting thing. If he was high functioning and was just being a jerk I would vote for booting him out - but that clearly is not a viable nor useful option given what you have described.

Thanks anyway ... still searching for answers.

There are differences between AS and autism that should not be overlooked. People with AS have no significant language delays and have average to high average IQ's, as well as no delay in non-social life skills.

So if you talk about a 23 year old with AS needing a caregiver, you are going to get the proverbial strange look.

Most of the difficulty people with AS have in life tends to be other people just not understanding how they work and making wrong conclusions about them based on misconceptions, for example, "If Bill can't do X, then he couldn't possibly do Y", in consistencies in how laws, ethics, and standards are applied, or people not respecting their boundaries because someone with AS can seem very NT.

People with autism do have language delays, which, in itself, can make it more difficult for them to acquire non-verbal life skills. They may have low or low average IQ's, or delays which impact life skills. Some eventually catch up, there are a few individuals with autism who have high average, or even gifted IQ's, but if one has ASD traits, language delays, and a high IQ one would more likely be classified as PDD-NOS...at least now days.

He should be living on his own, if he's going to be like that. Does he feel that he's being treated like a child? That might have a lot to do with it. Once a person turns 19, they should be treated like an equal, instead of a child.

Yes, in principle, but be cautious there. He might do better after spending some time in a situation he cannot control or manipulate, but the shock of that could easily be overwhelming for him and just make things worse unless someone there can very patiently help him learn to adapt.

Thanks all for the information. My nephew who is 23 has recently turned in his resignation at Publix (employed 2 yrs.) and we'd hope that this would help with the meltdowns he's been having - NOT. He seems to think that everything is to be his way or no way. His parents and I have been very patient with him lately and try to decipher what exactly is wrong. I think alot of it comes from Facebook and the fact that he can't be as social as he would like. If someone doesn't except him as a friend he becomes very upset. He has girls that call him and would like to date, but he only wants the ones he can't have. Most of these girls are NT and treat him as a friend but will not date him. As I understand of most Aspies it is important that they receive a response from someone one way or the other. I have asked him when texting girls or calling to make sure that they understand that if they aren't interested in him then they should tell him and not leave him hanging. He has had some really bad meltdowns lately and his parents along with his grandparents are at wits end. They walk away from him and tell him they are sorry that he is having problems and that they hope things work out - then they leave the room and shut the door and he screams outside the door stating that he can't take it anymore. This type of situation is hard for anyone to deal with, Aspie or NT, on a daily basis. We all love him very much and no that he is a good kid, but lately it is taking a tool on everyone. Any advice?

Aspies are delayed and to me he sounds like a 15 year old having a bad patch.

I'd avoid anger, use steady messaging and just repeat that he needs to get his life in order. Explain that without a job he won't be very dateable anyway. Carrot and subtle stick.

Keep up the steady messaging for as long as you feel comfortable and then start to drop hints of the hammer such as being kicked out, etc. That's the real stick. There is nothing like a real stick to turn people around, even if he waits for the 11th hour to do it. But stay with the consquences if he doesnt change. He can have a change of heart after reality hits him in the face but he needs to feel the sting first.

First off, you need to stay out of his personal life. It is impossible for you to fix because--well it is personal.
Having said that he needs ways to deal with himself when he is very stressed. Maybe go for a walk, do some stimming, listen to music, or take a deep breath, or something.
It needs to be explained that screaming, slamming doors, yelling, etc are unacceptable behaviors--in short he needs to control himself.
He will need these self-control skills throughout his life.
There needs to be a direct and frank discussion about what you consider apropriate behaviors in your house. Since, he has AS, keep it direct and focused.