How Do You Deal with Meltdowns?

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I ask this from the perspective of looking backward, but my goal is to forgive myself the mistakes I made, and lose the guilt.

Here was the worst time period: At 8, my son 8 would hit and kick me, yell "I hate you" and put holes in the walls. I went to a psychologist, and he suggested time out. (The old cure all.)

The diagnosis at that time: ADD, OCD, Tourette's, Oppositional Defiant Disorder. At 11, he was diagnosed with ASD. I didn't get any better ideas then either....

Basically all psychologists told me I overindulged my children. (He has a sister.)

Example:
I found it easier to adapt than to fight every step of the way. My kids had a hard time with stores. So if we went grocery or clothes shopping, I would buy them candy at the register. It didn't matter whether they were good or misbehaved in the store, it was a routine. I didn't wait for a tantrum and then give in, I just planned to get candy in advance.

Also, I home schooled my children. Pysch. that diagnosed ASD thought this was overindulging too...

What are your experiences as parents? What works for meltdowns?

Do you find most psychologists try to get to treat your children as NT regardless of the ASD diagnosis? Or has this improved with time? There's a better understanding of ASD now than there was when my son was 11. (That was 10 years ago.)

My son is only two years old, but I have read and highly recommend this book; AS, NT or other:

http://www.amazon.com/Unconditional-Par ... 953&sr=1-1

“The value of a book about dealing with children is inversely proportional to the number of times it contains the word behavior. When our primary focus is on discrete behaviors, we end up ignoring the whole child.” - Alfie Kohn

Great book from the preview I read on Amazon...

If all's well that ends well is true..At 21 my son is respectful, open-minded, doesn't parrot what his parents beliefs are, but respects them, loves his Mom....

I just have so much guilt over using "traditional" methods. But that was all I knew to do, and tried to follow the advice of the "experts" while going my own way when I felt their advice didn't fit.

Sounds like you did just fine then

Did something in particular happen that jump-started this period of retrospection?

I would think the goal of parenting is to allow the kids to be themselves while remaining a guiding light if they need one. Parents today try way too hard to raise their kids, and I can see why, with all the poisonous crap everywhere you go, but you still can't force kids to do something they don't want to do. And as not popular as this sounds, kids are no different than any other group: a few winners, a whole lot of losers.

Every parent wants their child to be a "winner" and every child has that potential within them.

No, it's been going on ever since I divorced. My ex got the kids in the divorce, when she was 11 and he was 14. When the children were babies, he didn't want anything to do with them. Period.

I was a stay-at-home mom almost all their lives, and home schooled them. I devoted my life to my children. When we divorced, I had just started working, and couldn't afford my own place. I lived with my parents. My children couldn't possibly live there, due to my parent's strictness, and their meltdowns.

After a year I moved 3 1/2 hours away for a better job, so that I could pay child support. I didn't get to visit them often. I was either under employed (exhausted from work) or unemployed (couldn't afford to get there.) Now I see them pretty often, and have plans to move there as soon as I can.

My ex takes all the credit for "straightening my son out." But I feel I laid the groundwork....

When I mentioned this guilt to my son, he just hugged me and said he thought in the past we just fed off each others' frustrations, like fuel to a fire, and "all's well that end's well. " He really turned out wonderful!

I guess this is more important than the mistakes I made.

Indeed

Except for those sorts that set cats on fire for entertainment and their lives continue to unfold in a predictable, unstoppable arc toward the electric chair.

Bookworm, I wish I could say that my son turned out as well as yours but unfortunately he still has so many problems. The one thing that is the same is that my son loves me very much (hes 24 now) and he always tells me that I should not feel guilty about anything that I did or didnt do. He says I was always his "light" and he always knew that when his world was at its darkest that I loved him no matter what.
I had a similar experience with my kids. I raised my kids basically by myself. The difference was that my X was abusive especially to my son. He is the oldest and I had two girls who are now 18 and 20. I have remarried and have two younger kids now. The professionals all told me that my son was the way he was because of me, I spoiled him. He was finally diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder when he was 12. I believed them for awhile until I realized that my two daughters were nothing like my son and I raised them all the same. The major difference was that my son and I were physically and emotionally abused by my X husband. The one thing I feel the most guilty about is that I did not leave soon enough.
I think you are right about letting go of the guilt because we did do the best we could with what we were given. I got very little help for my son and what I did get I had to fight very hard for.

Thank you for your kind words, they made me cry healing tears.

My ex was verbally abusive to me, but basically ok with the kids. (He turned out to be a decent dad in their teens.) I left absolutely as soon as I could. I'm sure you did the same. I tried to leave from the time he was a baby, but it took til he was 14.

At least I'm not alone in being told I "spoiled" my children. Yes, I did to some extent, but I was trying my best to cope with two very difficult kids. Yes, I see spoiling kids by buying their love, giving in to their every wish,etc. is bad, but it wasn't like that.

It's difficult enough raising different children, without being put down for doing it all wrong. The Dr.'s didn't know what a day in my life meant...what it's like to have a grade schooler throw a fit and kick the back seat of the car because you didn't tell him in advance that you had to stop to get gas...after a hard ordeal getting groceries with him.

My ex said I could only have the kids if I lived with my parents so they could help raise them. My mother thought when my son was 8 that I should take him to a faith healer and perform almost or an actual exorcism on him...

My son isn't going to college or work yet (he did work for 2 years til the job closed down) but his dad isn't in any hurry, I'm grateful.

Bipolar is challenging. I have a relative and friend that's bipolar, so I'm familair with it.

I'm sorry things didn't turn out better for your eldest son, but am happy to hear how much he does and did feel your love, always.

Wow, that's awful how the rest of your family was so unsupportive. I'm sure that contributed to making you second guess yourself.

I don't think you were spoiling your kids. I negotiate with my son all the time to avoid a meltdown. If he feels like he has some measure of control, or if something unexpected comes up that there's a path out instead of just his black and white catastrophic thinking, it really helps him a lot. Even when there isn't any room to negotiate, if I listen to him and explain my perspective, he's much more compliant. There's a great book that explains a formal negotiating technique to be used before or during meltdowns called The Explosive Child.

The other thing you were doing right was setting up a routine for your kids. I don't think there's anything wrong with giving kids something sweet during the day. Grocery stores can be chaotic and sensory overstimulating. If your son knew that there would be chaos, but then it would end and he would get to calm down in the car and eat something sweet, I'm sure being able to fall back on knowing what was going to happen if he just got through these few minutes helped him survive it. By the way, I almost never take my son grocery shopping because it's so chaotic - I either shop after work before I get him or drop him at his grandmother's for an hour so I can do it.

People who want to bring you down or keep you in your place will use anything to stab you with it. Homeschooling does not spoil children - if I could I absolutely would homeschool my son. When he learns something, he doesn't forget it, so the repetition of school is incredibly boring and frustrating to him. That was a great, selfless thing that you did.

I don't know what to say to help you get over the guilt, other than the people who were blaming you instead of helping you were totally wrong. Maybe try a helpful therapist (instead of someone who is so judgmental) so you can get to the bottom of this. No one's perfect, but for not having any guidance, you instinctively did a really good job.

Thank you. I feel better. I did read The Explosive Child, when they were young, and it helped a lot.



Same with my son, the repetition drove him crazy.



I'd never looked at it that way before. That's a healing, great perspective.



What you said went a long way toward my healing...thank you.

About my parents: They are very strict, simple, old-fashioned people I love dearly, but didn't understand my children's meltdowns. I had them too as a child, but not as severe. Their way of dealing with mine, which they saw as tantrums, not meltdowns, was spanking. I was given a certain amount of time to calm down and quit crying, or I'd get spanked again.

My dad even said something like "I don't have insurance on this house, so it he breaks something I can't afford to fix it, I'm sorry." My son was about 8, this was at his worst. But it was heart breaking to me.

I used to think that if I had taken my son and lived with my parents when he was an infant things would have been better. Now I see more clearly. My son is who he is. I doubt that he would have had as much misbehavior because he was very manipulative with me, but he would have had meltdowns all the same. And spanking didn't work, I tried it.

What I did right:
I rocked my son to sleep til he was 3 because of his earaches and because I wanted to. Not a must, just something I did out of a mother's love. He could go to sleep on his own.

I worked til he was 2, had to. But when we moved and he had severe separation anxiety, I did licensed home day care so I could stay home with him. Which was a disaster with his behavior, but also had benefits for him too.

I picked up on something not being right when he was 2, and spent many years trying to pinpoint it. Even after the ASD diagnosis, the Dr. didn't give me any direction, other than to criticize me.

I read every parenting book I could get my hands on, and fortunately found some good ones.

Until they were 8 and 11, I spent hours upon hours playing games that were absolutely boring to me, but I wouldn't change that for the world now. After that, we moved, they both had friends, and they needed me less.

I have a lot of guilt for not being there for my daughter much, age 11 and up. But she understands, and loves me unconditionally. I will be there for her first two years of college.

Also, a big issue was that my ex and I disagreed on discipline. To keep from arguing with him, which would have negated the positives of the divorce, I had to put some distance between my ex and me. Also his discipline when they were teenagers was much more fair and appropriate than when they were young.

I feel much better now!