How Does one deal with the unhappiness?

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I know to some extend what makes my son so unhappy school! but it not just school its every social situation or activity he is invovled with. When my son is away from his home he is a different persons well not really he appears to be a different persons all the stresses add up and then when he returns home or I pick him up from school, sports, parties etc he has a meltdown. I have not told anyone other than the school and services about his diagnosis of AS because I feel they would look a me in disbelief. Even the school dont seem to pick up on it we are getting there now my son gets on with his resource teacher and is just opening up. Maybe the reason that I dont let people know is the reaction that I already experienced everyone seems to think they know my son better than me. I am the person that deals with the meltdown, offloads sometimes abuse I am his mother and accept this and do my best. I think I am just off loading myself there is all of information out there and I have learnt a lot but sometimes its difficult to use it to my advantage so to speak.

Any suggestions much apppreciated.

Thanks

Ann

From what I understand, this is common with AS kids. They expend huge amounts of mental energy during the day trying to handle and keep it together in school, and by the time they get home, there isn't anything left. Hence, a meltdown....or two. We pulled our son this year to home school, but what helped during last year's hell was to give him some time alone with me to decompress from the day's trials. For us, that was the 10 minutes in the car after I picked him up from school, but it can be whatever works for the two of you, even if it's on the phone if you're away. I also made sure he got in the house and had a snack, so that we weren't dealing with crankiness from low blood sugar!, and that he had time away from everything stressful for awhile, like chores or homework. But there was still a lot of unhappiness, even with a school system that was really trying to work with us.

Having said that, I still really think you need to inform the school. You need them on your side if possible, and since they spend the day with him, they will need to be an integral part of any coping techniques or helps that he needs, as well as to be on the lookout for his stress levels starting to ramp up! They may not know anything about AS - totally possible. But that's where YOU come in. You'll have to be the "expert" in the room, and inform and teach those who don't know, and to stand up for him if necessary, making sure his needs are met. I am sorry you've had difficult experiences in the past with telling other people....but being in public school, he'll need teachers and administrators on his side, if possible, and if they don't know about his diagnosis, they may tend toward being less patient and more apt to think of it as "bad behavior" if he starts having visible trouble there.

At the very least, my thought is that school is obviously becoming a very stressful place for him, whether he's showing it there or not, and if you can help him by surrounding him (hopefully!!) with people who are willing to help/learn, he'll at least feel less alone. Start with the resource teacher!

Also: you didn't mention in the post (sorry if I missed it in a previous one?) how old he is. If he's a teenager, then he might need to be a little more involved in who gets told and when.

Last point: you mentioned that the meltdowns occurred when "I pick him up from school, sports, parties etc." Most of these seem like situations guaranteed to stress an Aspie out! Are these things he's choosing? And even if they are, he may not have the tools yet to navigate these situations, and they may need to get cut back on.

Sorry you're in a bad spot right now! Keep us posted!

My daughter would meltdown after school too. Her school lets the kids have an afternoon snack. We started packing protein bars for her snack and they seem to last her and fend off the after school meltdowns. The meltdowns do seem more frequent with her dips in blood sugar. Every two to three hours she needs a little something to keep her even keel. We keep a box in the car for trips, etc.. This strategy has worked for us for the last six months with good results.

In school my son never seems to be a problem he never tells anyone how he feels he stores all that up untll he reaches home. when i go to the school and say there is a problem they dont experience this and seem to think that I am over reacting he has taken the test at the be3ginning of the year I am not sure what you call it but in Ireland its the Dumcondra basically english and math and he come 7th percentile which it doesnt match with he result from work in the class. i can talk about all this but the problem for my son he hates school

My son doesnt seem to get the same from sugar he likes salt I tried to cut down on this as much as possible I told him that he can have salt on his chips/fries/crisps and that is it this is a big problem not sugar

My son is 12yrs old and is becoming a young adult very quickly I watch his diet he has a very plain one and is not big on sugars but like salt not sure how that effect his overall performance but prob not very healthy he is underweight for his age eats all the time i am a bit maybe very jealous of that but only telling you. if i look at something I put on weight enough of me already. My situation is that the school didnt pick up on my son problems and its really been an up hill battle and I hope that you learn from me and dont give up I will keep at it. Diet helps but its no way the problem so stop trying to change it like my son he will only eat what he likes!! !

Take Care

Ann

This is a tough one. One of my sons (almost 11yo) does the same. He works so, so, so hard keeping it together at school all day and then was melting down the minute he got in the car to come home. It took a lot of convincing to get the school on board with the fact that all was not well because he seemed "fine" at school, but I eventually did and insisted on accommodations like regular breaks, early entry into the school to avoid crowded hallways etc. in his IEP, and things improved dramatically. However every year we start from scratch with a new teacher who thinks he is doing great and I am an overprotective whack job, and have to advocate for him anew.

So what we did to deal with the unhappiness:
-did whatever we could to convince the school that he was struggling. Brought in our own psychologist and an autism education specialist to give recommendations. Included whatever accommodations in his IEP for reducing his stress at school that we could, whether or not they are seeing that stress at school they have to stick with the accommodations.
-gave up almost all extra curricular activities (too much stress)
-keep our evenings as quiet, routine and stress free as possible. I don't even speak to him after school until after he has had a snack and some decompression time. He just can't handle it.
-give him something to look forward to every day (right now it is watching Dr Who episodes, and playing Lego Universe or D&D)

Seems to be a common issue because I've seen it too. It's amazing to me when I read all the posts that there are so many similarities with my son and others! Where would I find an autism advocate to come to my son's school cause they are clueless!

Diet is a big trigger and definitely small snacks so the blood sugar doesn't drop. However, I've seen crazy episodes lately when he over consumes sugar. Also has a passion for salt, will shake it right into his mouth if I let him. What's that about?

Also a good idea to let them decompress for awhile until they are ready to talk on their own.

I always bring food for him when I pick him up I learnt that a long time ago. When my son who is 12yrs old is hungry or needs food he has a meltdown and expects to be feed straight away no matter where we are.

With activities he finds them stressful but he is a great athlete loves playing doesnt feel part of the team but loves running, football and drama he is invovled in a lot but if I tried to cut things out he get upset. He doesn't like to miss training or games routine I suppose.

The school things are getting a little better but the attitude is just terrible I experienced it in primary and this is his first year in secondary nightmare. But I will just keep going had meeting with resource teacher with my son hoping he might let us know what would make things happier not very forthcoming.

Thanks again I have learnt alot from this site at least I know I am not on my own

Annmaria

How to deal with school?

Well, first thing I did was zone out, shut down, and ignore the classroom for most of the day. I didn't learn much of anything, but since school doesn't teach much of anything worth learning that really wasn't a problem.

I also played lots and lots and lots of video games after school which allowed me to unwind and restore my sanity.

I am afraid I really don't have a lot of useful things to say about schooling in general. The first 11 years I spent in school where nothing but a waste of my time and a soul crushing, depressing experience. Asking for little tips to make school better is like asking if adding a dust mask will make slave labor in the coal mines any better. Its a horrible experience, no matter what minor changes you make.

As far as how to deal with the stress and avoid the meltdowns, I do have some advice there. Have you taken the time to read my book (available at the link below). I go into a lot of detail explaining how to recognize, and deal with stress there, and rather then posting 60 pages of the book, it would be easier just to tell you to go read it. The basic idea is to teach your child to recognize the stress, causes of stress, and signs of stress on his own, so that he can take steps to avoid the problems before the grow out of proportion and cause significant problems. It really is a good read, and if your looking for ways to better understand your son and help him deal with the stress, I would recommend taking a few hours to read it.

My daughter is almost 8 and this has been our life since she started school. She protests going to school, vehemently clings to me when I drop her off at school, and looks at me as though I have SAVED her life when I pick her up from school. In the car she is irritable, tired, and cranky. When we get home she veges for an hour and I don't interact or converse with her (but I do get her a healthy snack as she is usually starving). She slowly decompresses until bedtime, at which time she starts ramping back into the anxiety over school the next day.

It is so sad. I'd give anything for her to love school and enjoy going. I am not able to homeschool and even if I were able I don't know that it would be best-as I could see us becoming shut ins.

We also gave up all extra curricular activites. That's a must for us-we are constantly dealing with anxiety and stress.

Tracker, your post is so sad. I wish there were a school for Aspies, but even then I don't know that would solve the problem!

My daughter also shuts down, just as you say you did.

We found one through our local children's mental health association, which our pediatrician referred us to. I imagine there is something equivalent in most major centres?



I have to believe that this isn't always the case anymore. Many schools and teachers are getting much more educated about autism, and willing to put more significant accommodations in place. It isn't perfect, but we have managed to upgrade one of our sons from being utterly miserable at school to tolerable, and with the help of a truly excellent teacher the other son has been upgraded from miserable to quite content (believe me this has been a HUGE surprise to everyone!). Our list of accommodations is lengthy...for example early entry into the school to avoid the crowded hallways, extra time for tests and tasks, reduced written work, being able to opt out of group work, 3 breaks a day (more if needed), a recess club where they can play chess or go on the computer at recess instead of out to the playground, written instructions and visual aids whenever possible, his particular interests included in the learning whenever/however possible, and extra support and teaching in all areas of social interaction (they attend a regular social skills club with other ASD students run by the school during school hours). I also bring them home every day at lunch for a sensory break. I don't think they could make it through the day without this. I am lucky that I am able to do this, but it requires financial sacrifice to have me at home to do so.

Honestly though, the biggest difference in their quality of life at school has been the school's changing attitude towards them. They are really trying to learn about autism and to improve the environment they provide for ASD students. The main reason for these changes are all the parents of ASD kids who have been "blazing this trail" of making the schools pay attention to their failure to meet needs. In our school division we are seeing major changes for the better, and I really hope and believe that this is the direction that most other divisions are headed towards as the # of kids dxed with autism increases and parents get more educated and more insistent about what our kids need.

Still, like I said, not perfect. Every year there is a new teacher to educate, the sensory stuff will always be hard and exhausting, there is so much disinformation out there about autism and the personality of each individual teacher and administrator counts for so much, but I do believe that there are significant things that schools can do to make things better and that parents can and should fight hard to get them. I guess my whole point is that it doesn't have to be like sending your kid off to the mines, and if it is keep fighting to get it changed and don't ever give up! I remember the days of sitting in my car crying after I'd dropped them off at the school, because I knew that being there was hurting them. I felt like a murderer leaving them there and really I was, because the experience was killing their energy and hopefulness and confidence, and I was taking them there day after day like lambs to the slaughter. The summer after grade 3 something snapped, and I just knew that it was not acceptable no way, no how, no matter what anyone said or what the school was paying lip service about -if my kid isn't thriving, you are failing and things need to change NOW, and it has been a lot of hard work for everyone involved, but things have improved dramatically.

Hi annotated_alice

I been fighting and fighting although this is his 1st year at a new school but it not just the school it is also the services. The thing that makes me feel like I am losing my mind is the fact that all these people think they know your children better than you. If they were less arrogant and listen parents wouldn't be feeling down beaten. I am a fighter and will try to get the school to educate them selfs I have the option of changing schools but that is I feel just moving the problem and not trying to improve the school for my son. My son is so unhappy most mornings become such a battle I am having all those feels that you experience. He seems to be opening up to his resource teacher which is huge progress. I shall battle on!! !

Its also good to hear positive stories.

Thanks

Ann

I hear you about fighting with the school. Not only do the people at my son's school think they know more than me, they tell me they're going to do something and then never do it. Good luck getting through to them.

I hope I don't come across as arrogant, or as putting all the onus for the child's happiness at school on the parent's ability to advocate. I do realize that some school's are in fact impossible to work with no matter what the parent does (we experienced this with our son's k-1 school, before we moved to a school catchment area that we carefully hand picked, and even then with this "great" new school there have been a lot of issues, and way more lip service than action for a long time). Like Mama_to_Grace said, I just felt very sad reading Tracker's story, and wanted to put some hope out there. It simply isn't good enough that our kids have to spend their childhood's miserable! It makes me so angry.

I hope you do continue to fight, Annmaria. I know the enormous amount of time and energy this can take, and how insanely frustrating it can be, and I am glad that you have that never give up attitude. It's when we start buying what the schools are telling us, that they are already doing all they can, things can't be changed, or this is already good enough that we are really sunk. I really, really hope that you can improve things for your son and all the ASD kids that come after him, and "my hat is off" to every parent fighting this battle...it is so dang hard.

Hi annotated_alice

I certainly wasn't referring to you as arrogant your response has given me hope. I was just speaking to his resource teacher who is very helpful she has been speaking to the other teacher to see if they would accept for someone (a name that I have given whom has a lot of experience with autism) to go to the school and educate the educators she has had positive and negative response hopefully this will happen. Hopefully this will help at least there might be some understanding to my son's needs. I sometimes feel though if I push things that they might start ignoring his education he is well capable of applying himself and is very smart he has a superior memory and above average processing but his comprehension is the difficult one. As I have stated I will keep at it and make sure he thrives fingers crossed!!

Thank you again

Annmaria