Cluelessness and no memory? Is this an issue?

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Is memory a major issue for those with Aspergers and ADHD? My son was recently diagnosed with "mild" Aspergers and it seems he has ADHD as well. He is in 2nd grade and today I went to the school to pick him up for his doctors appointment. When I got there he was called out of the lunch room to meet me. He was very sad and started to tear-up. He said they were having a special speaker in class today and he didn't want to miss it. He said he couldn't read the schedule on the board because it was in cursive. He said his friends were telling him about it, but that he didn't know it was going to be today. He was miffed as to why everyone knew except him. I told him we could reschedule the appointment and he could stay at school. Then he was afraid to go back to the lunch room because he was "nervous" about returning after having just left to go to the doctor. He was worried the principal would be angry with him because I came all the way to school for nothing. I told him NO ONE would be angry at him for this, and that it was NO BIG DEAL. I walked him back to the lunchroom and apologized to him, in front of his friends, for mixing up the day of his appointment. I said I was very sorry for having pulled him out of lunch because I made a mistake about the day of the appointment. (He seemed okay with that.)
Then I ran into the teacher in the hallway and told her I was concerned because my son had been so upset, to the point of tears, because he didn't know about the speaker and because he couldn't read the schedule because it was in cursive (they are just learning cursive right now). She told me that she read the schedule to them and that she has just started writing the schedule in cursive this week - as a learning tool. As for the speaker, she told the kids about it last week.
I know nothing about what happens to my son at school because his mantra is, "I don't remember, I don't remember." His teacher tells me she hears the same mantra often. I don't know what to do. I can't coach him and help him unless I know what they are doing at school, and he can't tell me. The teacher sends a general newsletter every couple of weeks, but it doesn't tell me what is coming up or what I need to look out for. She has 26 students and doesn't have time to talk to me daily, or coaching my son continually.
He does not have an IEP... yet. I believe the school still has 2 months before they schedule his first IEP - I turned in the paperwork last month.
It breaks my heart to see my son feel so left out and clueless. It seems the answers are all there - he just doesn't get them.
Any thoughts from anyone - I really want to help him and not burden the teacher further.... (is that even possible?)

I have been in exactly the same place myself. To this day, I notice that my friends and co-workers all seem fine with changing schedules and other information that should be structured, but is only somewhat structured. Taking something as fundamental as the schedule, and then encrypting it, so it's hardest to read when you most need to read it... I can see why the young fella was in tears. Uncool. Furthermore, it teaches him that the few things he can count on being structured are things will change suddenly for no reason - and he has no control over. Reviewing it in class is NO replacement.

What I would suggest is making a list of things that your son counts on to navigate his day. And discuss it slowly at length, so he can add to it too... you'd be surprised what an Aspie sets his clock by! Speak to the teacher about your son's need for permanence on exactly these things. They may seem trivial to her, but these things WILL affect his ability to learn. If she plans to change any of these items, she needs to let you know in advance. Sending you a copy of the schedule by email or post, for instance, is not an unreasonable request. If you get push-back, ask if getting the principal involved might produce more resources. (Veiled threat.)

As we get older, Aspies have to take personal interest in managing our own schedules, etc. (Either that or withdraw or accept a lack of fundamental control.) Your son's growing ability to identify when others have failed him as organizers, and to actively 'do it his own way', will be worth its weight in gold down the road. A big dry erase board at home can be a help if it's at his eye level and maintained routinely by both of you together.

Heck, if my boss stopped for 10min each morning and told me what to expect from my day... I'd be in heaven. I don't think I could function at all if it weren't for written software requirements and scheduled meetings!

Whew, I thought it was me and I had top keep working at it to get better. I still think that. I can't even remember always what is said to me and I tend to forget. I also hate it when people tell me I agreed to something and I have no memory of it. I don't know what happened. That's why I don't even like to make agreements and people still insist I made one with them. What do I say instead so people won't think I agreed to them because obviously saying "okay" is agreeing?

I have this issue too. I don't know what causes this issue, could it be selective hearing or memory or both? Could it be we are too busy focused on something we don't stop to listen to someone speak because we were day dreaming? Could it be we were so too busy with something we don't want to stop to listen so we try and get it over with by saying things like "okay" to get the person to shut up, but then later find out it was very important for us to hear it and now we are facing the consequence? Or we don't understand what we are hearing so we tend to forget?

My husband figured out when he talks to me and I don't want to stop and listen because I don't like being interrupted, I just go "okay okay" to get it over with. Now he has decided to ask me what did he say when I was doing this or that to see if I remember what he talked to me about. You can try that with your son. Ask him later in the day "Do you remember this morning when you were playing your video game, I came in your bedroom and started talking to you, what did I talk about?" and see if he remembers. If not, tell him again. Then later in the day ask him the same thing again and see if he remembers and keep repeating it. That way he will keep getting reminders and it might stick in his brain.

The best advice I can give is to make lists and schedules. I'm 20 and still can't function without making lists. Every evening I make a list of everything I have to do the next day and it helps a lot. Maybe you could try it too. Good luck to you and your son.

It doesn't sound like a memory issue as much as a listening/absorbing/executive function issue. Think of it this way: if the teacher had been prattling about a special interest, would he have forgotten? Or if you were asking about an experience he had had, would he have forgotten? It's something about tasks and upcoming events that is more difficult to absorb, sort, and remember. Most likely, that will always be difficult for your son, so working with him on back up systems, and making sure things are given to him in writing, will help. Many AS kids think in pictures so verbal instructions are very difficult to process completely and properly, and then executive function issues get piled up on top of that.

Yep. Lists and schedules. I've had problems with my memory my whole life. Too much info streaming in to retain anything. Now I have a job where I have to manage myself and my daily tasks, and have to recall them later as well. So I started using spreadsheets and a notepad to mark down items others would 'just remember'. If I promise something to my mate, I know my memory won't hold; so I make a point to write it down so that 'future me' gets the message too.

What started out as a crutch, has actually become an 'artificial' memory that out-perform most people's sloppy approach to memory. I think the key with young Aspies, is to start them developing tools like this early in life.

I've also heard from others that 'if I really cared, it'd be easy to remember'... but that isn't really true. I forget things I do and don't care about pretty much evenly. I'm lucky to have a mate who understands that, and doesn't take it personally if my memory doesn't work as well as hers.

Thanks for all the wonderful answers! I really appreciate it. It has made me a lot less stressed out to see that others have the same issue, AND, you've found ways around it.

My son needs a way to work around this too, preferably a way that doesn't involve writing. He's still learning to write and it's a major struggle. Ideally, I would like someone from the school to spend 5 minutes with him at the end of the school day, every day, to go over the days events and the expectations for tomorrow. That person could then write me a to-do list and highlight anything I need to be made aware of.

The school believes kids do this on their own without help simply by talking with their parents after school. Not true in my case. I don't think they really believe me when I say, "I have LITTLE TO NO IDEA what my son does during the day because he always tells me he doesn't remember." I think he really doesn't remember unless he's cued - and sometimes not even if he's cued.

The school doesn't see or understand this issue. They just think I'm hypervigilant and off my rocker.

My little son is just the same. He's in grade 2 as well and never seems to remember anything. I thought he's just got bad memory. I don't think it's related to autism, though. My other son and myself all have very good memory.

From experience, I can tell you that this will probably get more obvious as he gets older, as the "average" for that kind of executive functions increases with age. Now in second grade, it's probably closer to average than it will be in a few years. My son had both of these issues at that age and the schools do tend to take a wait and see approach, meanwhile the kid is struggling and doesn't need to.

Please don't feel like you're off your rocker - you know your son better than anyone else. I do know the feeling, but I've gotten over it. You are a full partner in that IEP meeting, so don't hesitate to ask for what he needs and make suggestions when someting they say just doesn't sound like it would work for your son. Start preparing now - there are lots of resources online if you google IEP accommodations ASD. Definitely visit the wrightslaw page if you haven't yet.

When you have that IEP, ask for any communication from school be in writing - including big changes in routine (like guest speaker, substitute teacher when they know in advance, fire drills, assemblies) any homework assignments, for longer assignments (like book reports - probably next year) ask for written instructions and due date to be sent home with plenty of advance notice.

This will help take the pressure off of your son to remember all of that information and also help with changes in routine - if you do a web search you can even find social/visual stories for some of those events to help him be more comfortable with changes.

If your school district is anything like ours, they will just push your son to write without assessing why he's having trouble. Do you get your evaluation results at your IEP meeting or do you already have those? Julian's dysgraphia is a processing/memory issue and not an OT issue, but they wouldn't even assess him for OT until having a scribe as an accommodation on his IEP came up. Before the evaluation we were told that if he could physically write one word, he wouldn't be given a scribe. We've learned otherwise since, but not the most thorough of OT evals.

My Aspie has a very low processing speed as well as a huge memory defecit - 3rd percentile for memory(which means that it's worse than 97% of the kids his age who have been tested) and 7th for processing speed. It's a struggle to get some teachers to understand how a kid who is so bright can't remember to bring his math homework book home and remember which pages to do, so it's in the IEP. Both of these things effect executive function - which is not just about being able to make decisions but also effects how some things that become automatic for most NT people are always a struggle for folks on the spectrum. Have you read Trackers book yet? _Congratulation! Your Child is Strange_ You'll find a link to it in the Recommended Reading sticky at the top of this forum, page four.

Elizabeth

Thanks so much for all the responses - they've been more helpful than anything I've heard from the school! This morning I went into my sons class and told the teacher I would be copying the daily "TO DO" list and the "SCHEDULE" she posts on the board. I told her I think it's great that she does this - so much so that I didn't even realize how much my son counts on those two lists! I copied one in print - for him to keep with him through out the day, and one for me so that we can talk about his activities later. The teacher didn't mind at all, and my son was only mildly embarrassed - but mostly grateful!
When the school gets around to his IEP - April - I want to ask for someone to go through this with him EVERY DAY. If someone did this with him for 5 minutes at the beginning and end of each day - it would be SO HELPFUL! For now it's me, and I'm glad the teacher is open enough to allow me to do it.
Today was the first time during his 2nd grade career that I've actually known what was going on in class!

That's great to hear! One thing that might help with his memory is to have that 5 minutes at the end of the day also cover his own telling of what he DID today (assisted by his schedule). Even at my age, I sometimes have to stop and think for a while to remember what I had for lunch! It wasn't until I started telling my mate about what I did each day, that I realized I wasn't remembering it!

Another thing you might consider. Leave some white space for each day on that schedule you're giving him. He might not need to use the space yet, but he will eventually need room to write in changes/additions to his own schedule. (And given his age, he probably writes pretty big.) If the teacher makes a sudden change or wants to be sure permission slips are returned by a certain time, his teacher can help make sure it gets written in. If your son understands that there's room in the schedule for him to adjust it, it becomes HIS schedule, and a tool for dealing with 'surprises'; it'll be easier to transition him into taking full responsibility for the task in the future.