Meltdown Question/Advice

Post Reply New Topic

My son (he's 4) and he has meltdowns. I know when he is going to have them. It seems like they are linked to anxiety, at least that’s what I can tell. Sometimes if something doesn’t go as planned he starts to go into one, but then he comes back out.

Right now his meltdowns are linked to my driveway. We live in the Northeast and have had a really bad winter here (snow, ice, freezing rain, etc). I live downstairs and my mom lives upstairs. When one of us uses the driveway (because of all of this ice we had) we might get stuck. When this happens as you know its loud, tires spin, the whole nine yards. I am out there all the time trying to get rid of the ice, but with the cold temps and warm temps I am fighting a losing battle.

At first my son would have a meltdown, but come out of it quick. As the winter goes on any loud noise that sounds like the car getting stuck he goes into one. They are getting worse; I don’t know what to do. I talk to him and tell him its okay. I bring him in the house before we go into the driveway and have someone else take the car in so I’m with him. But now he will say “Your not going in the car.” to my mother or me. This might be out of the blue and she's not going out. He will be on the verge of a meltdown just by saying it, as soon as she or I say no he will say "she's not, she's not going in the car." a few times, calm him self down by doing this and everything is right in the world and he goes back to playing.

This is something that I guess I just have to pray for an early spring, but then I get a panic attack myself thinking about the next time (I have OCD, so I dwell alot).

Does anyone have any methods they use? Right now I talk to him and tell him its okay. I can't hold him because he is walking thru my house yelling during all of this, I have tried to hold him but the older the gets the stronger he is and I can’t do it.

I'm getting a sense that his fear goes beyond the noise. He may be worrying what it all means, if that makes any sense. Angry car fighting slippery and powerful ice ... powerful images in a 4 year old head. He's probably scared for you, as well, sitting in the middle of that battle.

I confess, I hate the situations that really cannot be helped. My answer is always mitigate, avoid, mitigate.

Continue preparing him best you can. Let him talk about his fear and feelings. Try some social stories and perhaps some fill in the blank characters. Encourage him to draw the battle as he sees it. And maybe buy some earmuffs or noise cancelling headphones.

Hi Michelle!

Not sure how helpful this will be being as I'm not a parent. I have Asperger's and have always had an aversion to even mildly loud noises, especially grating ones like the car one you describe, so I can completely understand your son's distress.

To be honest it hasn't improved all that greatly for me over the years and in fact gets worse in times of stress (even more "minor" noises cause me to panic). But one thing I've noticed is that if positive sensory input is occurring at the same time as something negative, and it is positive enough, it can overwhelm the bad feelings induced by the negative input and put me at ease. Here are some simple examples: if I am walking on the street and an ambulance with the siren on goes by it usually sends me into a dead panic, but if I am walking with someone I know and they happen to be smiling at me and touching me affectionately or even walking arm-in-arm at the time, I don't get paralyzed by fear of the stupid siren!

I know that doesn't apply directly to your situation, but some other positive distractions I can think of include: singing to your son, or putting on any music he likes if there's time for that when he hears the noise before he panics, or offering him some food he really likes like lollipops, or (though I'm sure you've tried this already, giving him a hug or, if he happens to like stuffed animals, give him a big soft one that he can carry and hold onto when he's nervous. Who knows, maybe one of these will help.

What DW said about talking him through his fear also sounds really effective. Maybe even tell a bedtime story about why it gets icy in the winter and why the car makes that sound, how ice is just frozen water that the car has a to work a little harder to get over, that it's not dangerous or bad but it means you're getting out of the driveway to go out and do fun things in the world.

Like I said though, I'm not a parent! Just trying to think like your son.

Thank you both. You have given me alot of ideas; like before we get to our street start talking about what might happened, saying its okay and mommy is here. I know I dont talk about it for fear that I will put him into a meltdown. I do know like purchase was saying that I can stop a meltdown by getting complete eye contact with Nicholas, its like if I could get him focused before it happens. I have to do this when we go to the store sometimes.

I could also get the headphones that DW_a_mom mentioned, that way when Im not able to make the eye contact with him I can be able to block some of the sound.

Yesterday the guy next door got stuck in his driveway and Nicholas had a meltdown. I didnt know it was going to happened because we were in the house and I didnt see it coming. That was a bad one because my mother was out so he thought it was her. I had to take him to the backdoor to show him that grandma wasnt home yet, that brought him out of it.

Michelle,

We had to deal A LOT with this during our 5yr old son's worst anxiety this past autumn. Our psychologist had us do some methods that may help you:

*When your child gets "stuck" saying or thinking the same thing (he's panicked) try to see if you can have him draw (simple paper & pen) what it is that is frightening him. Then have him explain his drawing to you. (it may be something you haven't thought of that is the trigger to this anxiety).

*Try NOT to avoid. Avoidance=lack of desire to leave the safety of one's home. We have been warned by more than one expert that if we don't work through these situations, this will continue to build.

*Attempt to change his "self-talk" to remain positive/realistic such as: The car makes noise when the engine is on. The car wheels make noise when driving through snow. When the car gets stuck the wheels spin and that is loud. We have to get out of the driveway to get to the road. That noise will not hurt me.

*Create PROOF: Before you do something you know he doesn't like or have to go somewhere he's had an issue with create a plan. Then tell him that you are working on "creating proof" and that by the third time youdo that "thing" he will have proof that nothing bad will happen. The first time you do something you know causes a meltdown, tell him "Mommy said we will go in the car down the driveway and we will not get stuck in the snow (make sure you can keep your promise ). Remind him of your plan the second time. Then the third time have him explain your plan back to you and ask him when you've gotten back home if he has his "proof" yet.

Instead of thinking of it as "dwelling" we were told to consider this more on terms with post-traumatic stress disorder. All of the noises/smell/sights our son takes in may trigger a negative memory. To get through that "trigger" moment we, as the parents, have to be prepared with paper/pen and the ability to give positive head talk to the situation. Your son's "trigger" may now be the car keys jingling in someone's hand

BTW:
Our son was having a HORRIBLE time with the seasonal change and to top it off was terrified of various Halloween decorations around our small village. It was getting to the point that we couldn't drive down streets (all surrounding our home) due to his meltdowns. Then, just when we thought we'd gotten through the worst of it, a local restaurant (the only one our son chooses to go to) put up a large "scary" animated Santa. It took us months of working through all of this. It did require us taking walks past the place with the Santa on a regular basis, while our son practiced positive self-talk "The santa is inside. I am on the sidewalk. The santa is not real and cannot walk. I am fine. It cannot get me. (this then changed to: Santa is inside. I am walking outside. If someone hits his button I will NOT hear him outside. I am okay. I will be okay holding mama's hand).

Right now, our meltdowns are few and far between. But we now hear him talking himself through situations. For example, we went to the museum and had to promise we would not go to a certain floor. He kept saying "Mommy & Daddy promised we will not go to floor #3 today" to himself when we'd get on the elevator or take the stairs.

He does sometimes sing to himself a self-talk message such as : "There will be nothing scary at the zoo today" over and over before we get there. You can bet we do the best we can to make that be true. Not through avoidance, but through directing his attention and thoughts to as many positive things we can. "Aren't the flowers beautiful for the birds today?"

A second thank-you for this post - we do something similar when DS runs into a social situation that causes a meltdown. I think it works because his brain is so very logical...breaking something frustrating down into small, manageable steps is an important part of helping him manage.

As an adult, I realized that this was what I was doing in my own therapy: going through a frustrating situation with my therapist and breaking it down into manageable parts, then figuring out which parts needed to change.

Thank you, alone.

(((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) I appreciate you sharing. Same to you momsparky. I was having a rough day...as was my son...then my husband came home-ugh, him too!! ! So I appreciate the words of encouragement. Some days are rougher than others. It helps to step back and realize when you are moving in the right direction.

All day he was "stuck" on the fact that his best friend was coming to sleep over for a couple of nights. When she arrived, I thought it would get easy for him (it usually does), but not so tonight. Anywho, then while his best friend ( a girl of the same age) was in getting ready for bed, she sprang some fears upon me that I don't even know what to do with. (her mom & hopefully a few therapy sessions will have to work on this--she's not diagnosed but we think she has ASD).

My husband is just beginning this type of "breaking it down" therapy. It is definitely more difficult for an adult. As the parent of a little guy, I realize I just have to persist and move forward with things the best each day allows.

One of our worst issues with my daughter came with hair brushing. It took a solid year to figure out that, while she is tender headed and any small snag could set off a tantrum - the thing that made it much more likely was the sound of the brush as it went through her hair. Now that she is finally starting to brush her own hair the issue is dissolving but we had to develop redirect strategies for quite awhile. For things like this, utilizing her special interests has been invaluable - engaging her in something she likes to talk about steals the focus from her running thoughts. Now, at 8, she is far less distracted by sensory overloads and can usually redirect herself.

((((Hugs)))) to all of you, especially to you Alone. Until I had my son I had no idea about all of this and Im still learning. Thank you for sharing your stories. Each day I learn more and more.