AS mother and divorce issues...

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I'm not formally diagnosed but pretty postive I'm an Aspie, formally diagnosed with CFS and Fibro.... Hubby is an NT with traits similar to someone with borderline per. disorder also a pretty heavy drinker on his days off...and not what you would call an easy-going drunk.

We are actually divorced (we had problems and he was also cheating on me at the time so I left)...but I reunited with him to give it another try.

Well the latest incident has me back to square one. After spending the night with my son at my mom's last Sun (because he kept picking at me). We came home to find him and the 19-20yr old girl that works for him asleep in the living room together.

My son seems socialble but will ignore his friends totally esp if he's not interested in what they have to say, and he is obsesive about certain things. I also see a few other all too-familiar quirks in him, but he is doing well in school so far and I haven't brought anything up (he will be 8 next spring).

Hubby is very controlling and basically everything from how I dress him for school to the way I fix his hair...is wrong.

With my son I am always accused of "putting things into his head"...I am "making him like me". He won't lead a "normal life" because of MY social issues...etc.

My son wants his Dad back...and has been asking me when he is coming back, I keep telling him I don't know...(right now I won't let him back in the house)....and is angry with me at times. I don't think I can forgive his father anymore...I feel raw and I'm just tired of the crap. I'll be 40 next year.

How many other mother's with AS raising a child/children alone? Anyone ever go through anything similar? I need some coping tips...for me and my son.

Oh, That sounds so much like what I went through with my first husband. I'm so sorry that you are going through that.

You mentioned spending the night at your mother's place-do you have family who are emotionally supportive? That can help a lot.

I do know it is important for legal reasons to document things that happen very carefully. For example, if he abuses you or your child (physically or verbally), write that down with the dates, and if someone else was present it would be a good idea to write down who was there. I think bringing home people to sleep with when there is a child living in the house should probably be documented too. If custody issues come up all this can be important. I remember how important legal advice and representation was for me. I also remember how I couldn't afford a good lawyer. But if you can, it is worth it.

As far as getting through it emotionally, family and friends can help there. I myself did not have supportive family, and few friends. But the emotional support of those friends helped me when I was depressed about the situation. I also went to a therepist(sp.?) for a while. It's very hard to go through something like that on your own. It can also help with knowing how to handle how your son feels about what's happening.

I hope some of this helps. Someone else here will probably some better ideas. Good luck to you and I hope things get better.

I'm a mostly NT mom. My ex- sounds a lot like yours (with the controling and boarderline behavior) but he doesn't drink.

The first five years we were separated was hell. I was consantly told everything was my fault. That our children were "normal" and I was seeing problems that didn't exist, or somehow conning the school and doctors to see what wasn't there, or somehow forcing the kids to behavior the way they were behavioring. It made no sense. The ex- was diagnoised with ADHD and was on meds but insisted that our older son couldn't have ADHD since it doesn't exist. Excuse me? And I fail to see how I "made" our younger son "act" dyslexic. And a firmer hand (or more lax one) wouldn't make our younger son less autistic.

I was mostly worried that he would convience the authorities that I was nuts so they would take the kids away. That's what he threatened to do ALL THE TIME. At the time my therapist told me the ex- would never ever really try to get the kids taken because that meant he would have to parent them and he really had no interest in that, only in controling me emotionally. I wasn't in a place where I could hear that though, for several years. Then it began to make sense.

Today he has no control over me. The school and doctors talk to me and tend to ignore him becuase they have seen though his behavorial and think he's nuts. And when he does start calling me names I hang up on him. What the heck, he's not worth the time and energy.

So, no hints or tips, just hope for the future.

Splitting: How to Divorce Someone with Borderline or Narcissitic Personality- buy it.

Husband has alcohol abuse, emotional abuse, and you are enabling. If you as a husband are already having marital issues you DO NOT cheat and bring the girl home. You don't even look like you might be guilty. You throw away your wife's Victoria Secret catalog just in case she sees it out. In other words, you clean up your act just because you want to make things work out. To do anything less is an insult or indifference.

IMO you never remarry the ex. It's like re hiring someone you fire. If it didn't work the first time and you take them back they will become insufferable.

Lae has good suggestions regarding the legal issues. My ex is a narcissitic personality, and documentation now is essential if you hope to avoid a long drawn out fight.

Single AS Mom here of 7 YO. Ex had paranoia issues and was an alcoholic also. Best thing I can say is to not go back to it. It took me awhile and I had to be firm and stand my ground, but I'm so much happier now because of it. My child seems happier too - some things could be better, but when she is with me, it is a very stable and calm household.

It is a decision you have to make for yourself, but for me I only had to realize that it never really would change, and that things couldn't be any worse on my own. I filed for divorce (using a paralegal) and made that final step. Not a day goes by that I regret it.

For custody, the courts generally take the mother's side anyway (sad but true) and most of the mediators do a good job of seeing through that controlling type behavior. Be careful though - they do talk to your children. Be honest with your son and don't tell him what to say, but prepare him for the consequences of his responses. If he says he wants to see his dad a lot or really misses him, they may read too much into that, and your son may get more than he was expecting.

Beenthere-
I reread your first post. My understanding is that you are divorced already, but you got back together with you ex. You have not remarried your ex, correct?

Your son wants to see his dad, which is understandable. Your son is also confused, which any child is in a divorce. For you to vacillate with your ex makes things worse for your son- first dad is there, then he is not.

You are pretty sure you are AS. Is your son?

Right now, you need to make a decision if you can continue with this man. If not, and it sounds like you cannot, then stick with the rules of the divorce and visitation in the divorce. Your son needs constancy, from you and your ex both.

Haven't been on for a bit....

Correct.

My son is possibly AS also...he's alot like I was when I was his age. He's doing great in school grade wise so far...but if the day is too much for him or he's had alot going on that day he will go into a rage when he gets home if he doesn't have time to unwind. He's afraid of bees, dogs...getting him to brush his teeth, try a new food... can be real tough.

We had an incident this summer when the teacher rang the bell to end recess and he was playing with two other kids and just didn't hear it...so she left the playground with the class and put him on the bench with the other two when he came in... because he didn't come in when it rang. He cried almost every night for weeks ...afraid that they would leave him out there and he would miss his bus if he didn't hear the bell (though I told him that would NOT happen, and even if it ever did mom would be there to pick him up)...then he told me he still didn't want to play anymore in case he wouldn't be able to hear it again.

He didn't want to go to school because they sit in the gym in the morning and he wasn't sure where to sit and was afraid he would sit in the wrong place.

There's alot more...basically he will run to the fastest roller coaster at the amusment park...but in the next 20 minutes he'll ask you to name everything he might get a splinter from and ask how many splinters you had when you were little and he'll want to know about every one and how it happened.

Thanks for all the good advice...my son is seeing his Dad on weekends...and his anger and questioning seems to have passed for the moment anyways. His Dad gets frustrated I think with him at times and doesn't understand...actually I've noticed my son's been a little more relaxed lately which I hope will continue.

Beenthere it also sounds as if your son might have some aniety disorder and some OCD.. he is a poor fellow to have to suffer so much. I can tell you from experience that I been there and done it. don't go back to him.. its not worth the damage it does to your son... you can do this on your own. i did it and I know I can still do it if i need too.. thank god I never have too with my husband. but before you go back think of your son. the price he pays for the battle ground is not worth it.

Beenthere:
And then again, your son may be suffering from the trauma of the trouble between you and your ex....(which is not your fault). It wouldn't surprise me if YOU were suffering from it (as well you should, as it is the ultimate betrayal).

Well, AS or not, a good therapist is what you should be looking for, for both of you. It's rough, but eventually things will work out. Some men are not schmucks! Some are.

Good luck.
Beentheredonethat