newly discovered aspie toddler & husband...now what? (lo

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If you asked me a year ago to give a detailed description of my husband of 12 years, I would say this: anti-social, anal, rigid & inflexible, routine oriented, loner, unattentive, obsessive over his hobbies, a constant rule maker, loyal, family man, caring in his own way, a great father, a great provider.

When my son was born 3 and a half years ago I always felt he was different from other babies. Infancy was a nightmare, from major breastfeeding issues, sleeping issues, constantly crying all the time, I could clearly see he was a very different baby than my 13 nieces and nephews were. Toddlerhood brought on major tantrums (which I now know are meltdowns). Other friends with kids the same age were going out to all sorts of functions and events with their kids and I did my best to stay away from stuff like that for fear of my son's behaviour and inevitable meltdowns that were embarrassing since in everyone else's eyes, I didn't know how to deal with my child.

My son's speech was very very limited at about 2.5 years old. Only saying one word sentences and probably only a 20 word vocabulary. Every time I would ask family what I should do they'd all say "Oh don't worry, boys are slower than girls at talking and he doesn't have any older siblings to set an example". My mother in law funny enough would say not to worry at all since my husband didn't start talking till he was 5 and look at him now! "He's just like his dad" she would say. Sure enough, he started pre-school and within a week I was approached by his teachers about "concerns". My "aha moment" was when I was looking up something about Autism and there was a doctors manual with diagrams and descriptions of behaviours. Wow! None of the major stuff (like rocking, hurting himself etc.) applied....but almost all of the other stuff was right on the button. A lot of research later, I discovered Aspergers and wound up reading something about adult traits and OMG it was my husband to a T. My husband has now discovered a "label" for how he's felt his whole life.

Pediatricians here won't diagnose Aspergers here until much later 5 or 6 so we just keep going for follow up visits to say "yes, there are still issues" until we can get the ASD testing (a 12 month waiting list). But I know my child better than anyone, and I've done my research. I know in my heart of hearts that he is an aspie. So I feel grateful to have an adult aspie to help me through what my toddler with limited speech is probably feeling, and I feel comfort in knowing that my son will always have someone there who understands how he thinks and has a better understanding of what his needs are as he grows up.
In terms of my marriage, which has had problems for a lot of years, (although my husband wouldn't think that because he always seemed oblivious to how I was feeling, or that there are any problems at all) it is so nice for both of us to have an explanation for the reasons behind most of our major fights, we can understand what caused them and try to work through them.

Here's the thing: I've felt isolated and alone for years. I've told my husband this time and time again - he says "go out with friends". I have to explain to him that it's not a lonliness that feels better after hanging out with the girls, it's a lonliness from lack of a spouse - someone who shows interest in my day to day stuff, someone who wants to spend time doing fun things as a family. That stuff can't be replaced or fixed from hanging out with some friends.

Now I kind of feel a bit helpless. He can't help the way he is I completely understand that, but at the same time, it's discouraging that I know things will always be this way....no hope for him having an "aha moment" of his own and clicking in to what I've been feeling. I'm understanding of him, but at the same time, why do I have to be the one to conform my life to suit his liking and to conform my life to make sure my son doesn't have 10 meltdowns a day? On top of it all, dealing with my son alone trying to work through his meltdowns and figure out new ways of interacting with him to make things easier on us all. I'm feeling more alone and isolated than ever and just wondered if there's anyone else out there that has been successful in making a family work with an aspie spouse and aspie child?

It all depends on what you want from a marriage, and from a husband.

I will suggest that you might be feeling more alone and in need of your husband specifically right now because of your child's age. Those are very isolated feeling years; all moms seem to go through one version of it or another, and where the blame falls for it depends on each person's unique life situation. But, still the commonality really is having a child of a specific age range.

So. It will get better just by the passage of time; that aspect, at least. And worse; in other ways. And .. well, you know the drill.

My husband is an Aspie but a super high functioning one, no formal diagnosis, and while I get frustrated at times, the reverse is also true: there is plenty about me for him to get frustrated with. So, we slog along together. Marriage is about two imperfect people coming together and making a better life for each other, somehow balancing each other and creating a safety net that might not otherwise have been there. It's OK to feel frustrated. You feel it, and then you move on from it. Because, well, you love the guy and you can't help it, and you know he's doing the best he can.

I've had a rough day lol, that just made me a little teary...beautifully put. I would say my hubby is a high functioning aspie too for sure. It's just so darn frustrating when you tell him a story about an important event in your day and he replies by saying "so did you walk the dog today?" grrr! I'm sure it is the age of my little guy that's a contributing factor for sure.

Hi Meghan-

Welcome to WP! I have one son diagnosed somewhere on the spectrum, but he seems to be leaning more and more towards an Aspie. My husband has not been diagnosed, but he has many Aspie traits. I know how you feel when you said you feel very isolated. I do at times, but I have found that I have to do things to make my life more fulfilling for myself, and to just love and support my husband and son as best as I can. I am a very social person by nature, and I have been a stay at home mom for almost 6 yrs now, and although I have really enjoyed it, I am really starting to get antsy with all of this time on my hands now that my son is in school full time.

My son is 5.5 now, and is in kindergarten full time now. But during his infancy and toddlerhood, I did feel very alone and isolated. First of all, all of my friends children were developing on target and just fine.. I was running here and there taking my son to therapy appointments, wondering why he wasn't walking at almost 2 yrs of age, wondering why he didn't play with toys or other kids, etc......My son also had terrible sleep issues up until about 3.5 or 4 yrs of age. I was still napping during the day just to catch up on lost sleep from his terrible nights. Thank goodness I did not have to work, I am not sure how I would have made it.

Anyway, I knew all of the qualities that my husband had when we got married, (your description pretty much describes my husband) but I had no clue about Aspergers. I am still not sure my husband would even get a diagnosis, because he is very high functioning. But, I am choosing to focus on his good qualities and just learn to accept and deal with the ones that annoy me.

For me, having a social network of friends is my lifeline. I don't get out that often, but just being able to go to dinner or to a party etc.... is very important for me so that I don't end up being a recluse.

I am glad that you have found WP, just know that you are not alone, and I think in time, as you understand more about AS, it will get a little easier.

i had to laugh at this =) i was in your exact shoes 1 1/2 years ago. my youngest son started preschool at 3 1/2, and it was suggested we have him evaluated. we've always known he was different, but attributed it to familial traits and we always said "he's just like his dad." well DUH =) while waiting for that evaluation, i came to believe my SO was autistic too. now here we are 1 1/2 years later and they are both officially diagnosed with classic autism. he really is just like his dad =)

i acknowledged the fact that THIS was not what i signed up for. not about parenting an autistic, but being a partner with one. he said he didnt eat peas and was a little agoraphobic, but nobody ever said the word autism! it was tough to admit that this was going to be my life for the rest of it, being ignored when i call his name, not being greeted when i entered a room, having my SO just up and go to bed without even mentioning he was doing so, being the one to make sure the kids get fed and bathed and go to bed on time, being responsible for making all the appts and phone calls for our family. with your kids you take what you get, but it can be harder to accept that when you didnt know what hand you were being dealt with your partner.

but what are ya gonna do? its your partner =) like dw said, you love the guy. for me, it was helpful to admit that this was a shock for me and took some time to come to terms with, even more so in some ways than the diagnosis for my son.

and then you take what you are learning about your son, and you apply it to the man. autistics are literal thinkers, ok that means i cant say "do you want to watch tv?" when hes playing on the computer, because obviously he doesnt or he'd be watching it already. instead i tell him specifically that i want to spend time with him, that i NEED that contact with him. you have to tell him exactly what you need. odds are hes willing to provide it, he just cant see it without you blatantly pointing it out.

something i had to realize also is that my SO thought his actions and behaviors were perfectly normal his entire life. he isnt going to change anything if he thinks hes doing what he is suppose to do. now that he is learning about what are autistic traits and behaviors, he is recognizing when he is doing something that may not be typical. its a learning process for him, too. i also am learning to recognize things that i do that trigger some of his reactions, and am trying to temper those things. its not all about him changing his behavior, its also about me accepting his behavior and changing my own, too. you BOTH have to work together on it, no one has to be the only one to bend.

overall, knowing my SO is autistic, even before we had the official diagnosis, has been very helpful for our relationship in so many ways. now i know why he does what he does, and he knows why he does what he does, and we are working together better. our relationship is better than it has ever been, not saying its smooth sailing, but the rocks are smaller and less frequent.

btw, my SO came in while i was writing this and i told him what i was saying about getting something i hadnt anticipated with his autism diagnosis. he says to me about himself, "you got a bargain!" =P i would have to agree.

welcome to wp, meghan!

Well at least your MIL's were able to ease your mind a bit. My MIL was not concerned at all when my son was not walking at 18 mos of age, or at least she didn't seem to be. But all 4 of her boys walked and talked on time. She is elderly, so maybe she just doesn't remember. But now over the years, she shares little tidbits that make me say, HMMMMMM. Like for instance, she will say that one of her son's used to rock himself to sleep or bang his head on his crib. Or that another son used to wiggle his fingers a certain way when he played with his toys. But nothing really about my husband. I think my husband is just really mild because he is very successful career wise, and he did well in school. All of his brothers are functioning too. No one has ever been diagnosed with anything on either side of our family.

Also, I just wanted to share the thing that I do love about my husband the most is that he is pretty predictable. I trust him completely. I can't say that about all of the other men that I had been involved with. I guess this is what drew me to him and kept me there. Over time, some of his quirks have just become amusing to me. And like DW said, I am sure there are things about me that he doesn't always find so pleasant either,

Yes! There are a lot of us and we're on WrongPlanet. Welcome! I could have written what you wrote! Let me just tell you this, my son is now 8 years old - and it gets better! It really does. Not only does it get better... sometimes it gets funnier, weirder, happier, downright absurd, truly engaging, and ..... different. It's very different. I would NOT trade it for anything in the world. And yes, I did NOT sign-up for this.

You may have already read this somewhere before, but I think it's worth posting. I read it at my son's psychologist office - when he was diagnosed.

Welcome to Holland
Parenting a Special Needs Child
By Emily Perl Kingsley

"When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip to Italy. You buy a bunch of guidebooks and make your wonderful plans: the Coliseum, Michelangelo's David, the gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place

So you must go out and buy new guidebooks. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills – and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy ... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say, "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away, because the loss of that dream is a very, very significant loss.

But if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you many never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things about Holland.

Wow...that's all I can say. I feel the support!
Thank you all so much, just reading your posts makes me feel like I'm not going through this alone.

Angelbear, you sound JUST like me...I definitely need to get out more socially...kinda became distant from many of my friends over the years - that's my goal this year, go out more! And it's too funny, that my DH being predictable is also one of the traits I do love most about him. Many friends over the years have been cheated on and broken up. I've been with DH since we were 17 and I have never ever had the slightest concern that he would cheat on me...very loyal.

Azurecrayon, you're totally right...my DH does recognize more the things he does and I do recognize more the things I get angry at that I now know he can't help. It does make things better...not all the way, but better lol.

BonnieBlueWater - I LOVE LOVE LOVE that analogy, it is so true and great food for thought for me. Great way of thinking about it for sure thanks for that

I'm so glad I found this board, I think it will help me keep my sanity for a long while!

Bonnie Blue Water, I love that "Welcome to Holland" Someone read it at a support group meeting around the time my son was first diagnosed and I broke down. It is so fitting. Over time, I am learning that while this journey with my son was not what I planned for, and there have been some disappointments, my son is a true gift, and I am beginning to see the beauty in it. I still have my struggles, and bad days, but it IS getting better.

Meghan-I am glad you found WP. It truly has helped me to keep my sanity the last couple of years. I hope you can find support and healing here too.

MAN, you REALLY have to wonder about people. SUPPOSEDLY females are better than males in that respect but NOWHERE NEAR that degree. The average kid is supposed to be speaking 50% simple sentences, that are LONGER than one word, by 2 years of age, with NO regard to sex. I am male, and started earlier than that.

And just because one person had a certain experience doesn't mean all is well.

At least the "teachers" noticed. Maybe that is a good sign.

Ah - a thread I can certainly identify with!
my youngest son was diagnosed with Aspergers a couple of years ago. He is now 9. I realised before diagnosis what I was dealing with through having read something somewhere.
Since diagnosis and many books on the subject later, I finally understand my spouse better. I so identify with the aloneness. It is something I have come to accept. It will never change. My spouse is a little bit different from the average - now that is the wrong word to use!! - from other Aspies, in that he had meningitis as a baby and was left hearing impaired. His intellect tests as average, but with sufficient oddities for one psychologist many years ago to conclude that he had borderline personality disorder. He doesn't though. He has hearing impairment, some mental loss due to the illness as a baby and Aspergers. He has his interests where he gains reams of information (sports and church) and other areas where he's totally at a loss - such as helping his youngest son with Year 1 maths.
My mother used to get so angry with him for his oblivious behaviour, walking off ahead and leaving me struggling with babies and bags. Now she is more patient as she understands better that the thoughtlessness is not deliberate nor rude in his case. It's just him being himself.
I have had so many people tell me I must be mad to stay with him, but I have always known that he genuinely couldn't help himself. Now I know why. It would be far more damaging and difficult and horrible all round to break up my family. I love them all too much to do that. So although I'm not "in love" any more and I have withdrawn from my spouse in self-protection at an emotional level we are still a family with as much affection as we are able to share. I have learnt to focus on looking after myself to be available for the rest and to seek good, healthy friendships and stimulating interaction outside of the family. hence, I am a member of a writing group and I have recently organised to join Mensa.
It's tough and challenging - some days more so than others, but I love my Aspies and my two NTs as well - my two older sons.

It really is funny. I always said my 3 1/2 year old was going to be just like his father. I didn't know how right I was until just recently. His father is an aspie and we just finally learned that my son has PDD-NOS. It's ironic sometimes.

As an Aspie husband of an NT wife, I feel that perhaps I can help, or at least offer a perspective. Like your family, we were married before the diagnosis. We don't have kids, though, as I don't want to pass on my epilepsy (and now my bi-polar disorder). I know that I have been a source of stress for my wife, but I am very grateful for her sticking by me and not giving up, even despite the horrible things that I have put her through.

There are times when she simply has to tell me that something is wrong, make me sit down and pour her heart out. What I'd recommend for you is really making a "presentation" that is short and concise but telling your husband that there are times when you need him and explain exactly what he can do for you.

I know that a lot of times a wife doesn't want what she's feeling to be "fixed" but we husbands (and Aspies) are fixers by nature. Use the words, "I don't want you to help, just listen" when that's what you need. If you need to be held, ask him. I'm sorry that this ruins the spontaneous nature of things sometimes, but that's just how it is. I hate to place the burden on you, I really do, but with some Aspies there really isn't that level of comprehension. If you want to go places, first start with someplace that would interest him, then he will see how much fun actually going out is and be more open to doing things with you.