Would you tell their grandparents?

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If the grandparent is usually loud, obnoxious and has little understanding of complicated matters?

I'm thinking I should just not bother to explain. The thought of making them understand such an issue is daunting. But what if they do bother to understand? Do they have the right to know exactly what's the problem with their grandchildren?

Their grandparents, AKA our parents were around at a time when people on the spectrum were locked away in institutions and they were just being freed. It was the 60s, after all. Grandparents might also see it as an illness that needs to be cured. They're all about curing the "Illness". Don't tell them until they read up on AS, or at least take a browse through this site.

My mother cried pathetically. But since then she's become much more tolerant of my son. He's expecting her to criticize him all the time, but she's actually stopped, and has become much more understanding.

I'd say, it depends upon how much contact they have. If they're around a lot, fill them in. If they live far away so they don't experience it on a personal level and are not supportive, don't bother.

Good luck!

One of the reasons I was glad to get a diagnosis, was so I could make sure my parents knew that my daughter wasn't 'a horrible child' and 'needed a good smack!! !' Yes, that was my loving parents (actually just my mother) viewpoint on their youngest grandchild. I no longer speak to them, but my girls for some reason still love them, so I don't stop them having contact. I gave my eldest daughter literature to take to them on their first visit after dx, no idea if they read it, but at least they know.

I would just state your point in simple terms, if they don't 'get it' then just let it be, no point getting yourself upset over people that cannot (or will not) change.

My grandparents were told without my consent. I would not have consented to them being told and it contributed to causing a massive rift in the relationship with my mother. I was 11. It really should be your child's choice whether they know-it's his/her personal medical information after all.

I'd also say it depends on proximity and relationship. If they live close and are likely to be babysitting or otherwise spending a great deal of time with the family then it would be important for them to know. If they live far away or aren't close to you relationship-wise then I would say it is entirely up to you.

And if they are anything like my parents, I would tell them by having a book to hand over ("All Cats Have Aspergers" if they're not big readers, something like Tony Attwood's Guide to Aspergers if they are). I could tell my parents something 50 times to limited effect, but if an "expert" tells them once it will "sink in".

Yeah, that is another thing to consider. People that age may not understand why you're mollycoddling your child when there's nothing wrong with him a good spanking wouldn't fix (in their opinion), but a lot of them grew up in a time when people were far more trusting of doctors and other authority figures. So if it comes from someone with a good degree, well that's a bit different since they're paid to know those things and surely they wouldn't say it if it wasn't true. Err, unless they're that type that doesn't trust doctors cuz the best way to get sick is to go to a hospital - after all they are all filled with sick people. In that case that won't help so much, but only you can tell if that's an issue with them.

We've had mixed results from telling our family, but we did so to deal with a specific problem: any time we correct DS, every family member feels the need to chime in and reiterate our correction, or to add reasons why his behavior is inappropriate. You can guess what happens next.

We explained via email. We started by saying that this was his 4th diagnosis on the spectrum, so we hadn't arrived at this conclusion lightly, and we linked a number of things, All Cats, the Atwood book, and Temple Grandin's excellent TED speech. We explained that DS needs clear instructions from ONE person, and that it's important for everyone to give him time and space to process instructions and information.

The last family gathering did, indeed, go a lot smoother. I don't mind fielding their weird questions as long as they leave my son alone. (Questions were things like "so what does that have to do with you not letting him play with guns," etc.)

It is important to give them the information. They may not jump on board... or they might. But over the course of our kids lives the people who influence our choices the most and make us feel like great parents are usually our own parents. You will undoubtadly get very tired of hearing their take on what you should do for your child or how you should discipline ect. My family was very quick to want to know anything and everything they could because they recognized from a very young age that my william was very different than the rest of the grandkids. My ex husbands family wasn't so fast to understand or to try and find info. what i did was print out somthing I think was called "the grandparents guide to autism" gave it to my mother in law and i let her read it in her own time.

It had so much information in it about how we dont need to hear this or that how our child wasn't being 'bad' it was really really a great tool. i'm looking for it if i can find it again i'll post it was 8 years ago so i'm not sure if it's even still on there..

Point is that i'm sure they'll be a big part of your childs life and if they dont have the knowlege the way they interact might sometimes seem cruel to your child because they will simply assume he/she is being bad for example. or they'll possibly be cruel in not understanding he/she doesn't want hugs .. things like this . it will also help you in the long run because if they do take the time to read it they will be able to be more supportive for your family:)

I think this is an absolute yes! It explains so much. In order for our kids to get a DX, there is something different about them, right? Isn't it better to give that difference a name? I think the point about mollycoddling is spot on. My 11 yo ds needs so much more from me than my 15 yo nt son did. I don't want to be seen as someone who is spoiling or babying for no reason. They don't really even need to understand autism, just to know that there is a reason my child is developing differently, and that these behaviors all make sense now, is a good thing.

I know when my family watched their 1st meltdown, they were thinking that a spanking should fix that. They don't think that anymore. Btw - we're not poarticullarly close, nor are they very involved. All it takes is observing one meltdown or watching an 11 year old chewing their shirt to know there is a difference, what is the downside to giving that difference a name?

I think it is easier if you at least try to tell them. Over time, they might get it.

My Mom lives 3 hours away from us. Since she is retired, she comes about every 3 months and stays about a week. She has kept the kids so we can go off for the weekend for our anniversary, so we felt like she needed to know. She mostly thinks my son is very stubborn. My Mom is not big on learning new things. She doesn't have a computer and never wants one. She has a friend with an autistic grandson. He is not as high functioning as my son, so when I explained Autism and Aspergers, while she didn't argue, I can tell from her comments she doesn't wholly buy it since he isn't like this other boy. I think she is getting it a bit though. One night last summer she was keeping the kids while we went to a movie. Apparently she told them they could stay up late until 8:30. What she really meant was until the show they were watching was over. Since shows end a few minutes before the half hour, when it was over, she said it was bedtime. My son ended up arguing with her about it not being 8:30. She couldn't figure out why he would argue over a few minutes and by the time he finished arguing, it was past 8:30 anyway. She thought it was stubborness. I exlpained to her that next time just say when X show is over or to make it 8:30, but to do what she says and he won't argue. I am not sure she still buys into it not being stubborness, but she has never made that mistake again. I don't think she will ever really accept that he isn't NT since it isn't something as obvious as her sister's Down's, but she is making adjustments in how she communicates with him, so that is the important part.

My in-laws live 12 hours away. They are younger and more up to date with the world than my Mom. However, they rarely see the kids except for when we go to see them once a year. We have told them and they accept it, but they really have no idea of what the reality of it means.

I can't help but think of the Craig T Nelson character in Parenthood. He is definetly one of those old school types that thought the parents where coddling the kid. It hasn't happened in one episode, but over time, as he has continually seen his grandson react in unexpected ways, you can see that he is starting to get it.

ok took some searching but i found it.. omg i read back through it and started crying just remembering back good luck to you and your family

http://www.aspergersyndrome.org/Article ... Asper.aspx

[quote="Louise18"]My grandparents were told without my consent. I would not have consented to them being told and it contributed to causing a massive rift in the relationship with my mother. I was 11. It really should be your child's choice whether they know-it's his/her personal medical information after all.[/quote

Quoting my post as it seems to have been ignored on the thread. This is HIS medical information and it could seriously damage your relationship with him if you tell them without his consent.

i think it depends how old the child is though and how many behaviours they are having. in my case the grandparents didn't want anything to do with the child because of his behaviour so of course i filled them in from the start of the diagnosis process(when he was 3) on what is going on. it may be his diagnosis but parents also have a right to share that information if they think it will help the relationship or to get them the extra support they need. of course, in my case the child was very young and not old enough to really weigh in on the situation. i don't really see any point in hiding it from family members unless they are the type to use it against the child. i tried to keep my 12yo's diagnosis quiet when it came to telling friends and aquaintances but she proudly announces it to everyone she meets and any random stranger that will talk to her.

Louise sorry i didn't even see it I can see your point tho if you've made it to 11 years old and you have a good relationship with your grandparents why muck that up with unnessisary information

In some cases tho like what missykrissy discribes and indeed mine as well with young kids sometimes it's really really important.. If I hadn't shared my ex husbands mother would have destroyed any sense of self worth or love my child had.. It was bad enough that she would suggest things like locking him in a room with nothing mean things because she just thought he was being disobeidiant and obstinant.. now even an NT child would never deserve to be treated like that but once she understood a lil more about it she treated him better, talked to him nicer and tried to use different techniques and strategies.

Maybe this one is case specific???