Spousal Denial

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I am at my wits end. My husband will not acknowledge that my son has any psychological issues despite the fact that the psychiatrist says he has an autism spectrum disorder and social disability and the psychologist concurs. Despite all the problems he's had, etc. etc. He thinks that if he just learns the value of hard work his behavior will change. He thinks he's just spoiled. When I got home last night he had allowed my son to call his 4th grade teacher on the phone at home to bug him about not getting his sticker at school, which he gets if he can come in to class in the morning, turn in his homework, check in with the teacher and sharpen his pencils. My son has the private school equivalent of an IEP and the school has a ten page report from the psychiatrist describing his issues: super high IQ and a multitude of Aspergian traits. My son is gentle and kind but as lazy as the day is long. He has every trick in the book down to avoid doing work. But, if he has to do everything right to get his half hour on the DS at night he'll probably do it. My husband thinks that this is enabling him. He thinks that the DS time should be changed to something educational and doesn't realize that the sticker system is the only headway we have made, through much collaboration with the teacher, in the last 6 months. He also doesn't understand that the teacher is the only one in our camp at school and we can't piss him off by calling him in his off hours to nag him. I really need him as part of the team. Aargghh

Is it possible that perhaps your husband also shares a lot of Aspie traits, making it virtually impossible for him to "see" that this is an issue?

To me, allowing a 4th grader to call their teacher at home is socially inappropriate. To call about something as trivial as a sticker, and to think a sticker warrants a personal phone call from a child... seems socially inappropriate - to me.



Again, you are right - "he doesn't understand." REALLY - HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND.

In our home, we have similar issues. What we've done is I've taken the reigns regarding my son's education, so to speak, and my husband trusts my judgement and helps as much as he can. If he doesn't agree with me - we discuss it FIRST, and then go to the teacher. I want to add that my husband has been the best resource in terms of figuring out why my son does what he does and why he thinks what he thinks!

I realize your post is about a different subject, but I think it is important to challenge your thinking with this statement. You will hear over and over from adults on this board how they spent their lives being labeled lazy the entire time feeling they were working as hard as they could. AS individuals have a huge need to break away from the rigors of everyday life but that is not lazy, it is need. It is literally exhausting for them to confront the chaotic (to them) world day in and day out. It frazzles and short circuits the brain. Deny them the space to deal with it in a measured way, and you'll see more tantrums and meltdowns.

There are also times where an invisible roadblock seems to rise up between the eyes and a piece of homework, and the child is overwhelmed / defeated before they ever start. They can and will learn strategies for dealing with that, but isn't lazy - - that roadblock is REAL.

You know your unique child better than I do, obviously, I'd just really really like you to think about it, as this is very easy for parents to missunderstand. I know all the arguments you might give about how he applies himself when it's a special interest, or for a short period to gain a reward, etc but that is different, it really is different. Perhaps a bit like taking a road bike, designed to race on a paved street, and trying to make it cover a mountain bike trail: works great on A, not so much on B. An AS child's brain is very specifically programmed; leave that area of programming and every. little. thing. is. exhausting.

I found the rest of the post interesting, because while you say your husband believes your son needs to learn the value of hard work, he's also the one allowing your son to pester the teacher at home. Not all that consistent in his ideas, is he?

I suggest taking the focus off the label for a moment and moving it onto the gap in parenting styles and expectations. I'm not sure I'd be fond of your husband's style regardless of the nuerology of the child, and a question to ask yourself is if you would be. The label won't matter if you can get your husband to agree wtih the parenting choices, correct? And it will be worthless if he agrees to the label but won't change his ideas on parenting.

Next, a simple of semantics may change the conversation about AS. Most of us here don't see AS as a psychological issue, but as a nuerological difference. AS is about how the brain is wired, not mental health. It is a condition with gifts and burdens. Hard to imagine anyone thinking of a psychological issue as having gifts attached to it, isn't it? AS isn't a disorder as much as re-order. AS kids can excel at things no one else can, while failing miserably at the mundane. If you husband understands better how the gifts also come from the AS, he may fight it less.

Many parents here have had success leaving books and articles around for family members to find and read at their leisure. If you've read something that struck home more than anything else, that would be a good choice. I'm partial to the 10 year old Wired magazine article, "The Geek Syndrom," myself. You'll find many references in our recommended reading thread.

Last edited by DW_a_mom on 11 Mar 2011, 4:27 pm, edited 4 times in total.

As an adult with AS, I absolutely endorse this statement. If you do not experience these neurological dysfunctions, it is almost impossible to understand them, but they are very real.

You know looking back my husband reacted the same way. He had made a comment at a family function at christmas about putting our son in foster care or somthing because he could not "live like this any longer" that is what originally promted me to push for answers.. william was 3 at the time.

But once the diagnosis did come first PDD-NOS with a lot of talk of autism .. my husband wanted nothing to do with it. He tried hard to convince me it was normal for siblings who were toddlers to beat the crap out of each other lol (he was more or less an only child his sister being 14 years older) , tried to convince me that our son eating a blanket was somthing all 2 year olds did the list goes on but he was really resentful that I pushed and pushed first for an answer to the puzzle but then for help for our son within the home and the school..

Ok this is the advice I was given by our psycologist at the time he said that when your child is first diagnosed most dont have the knowlege and enough understanding to know that it's not the end of the world .. they only know the misconceptions that have been around for ages and a lot of times a doctor who is telling them their child will probably be retarted, might never talk, might not walk ect.... He said that the reason they deny it is because they're working through the greiving process.. greiving the plans they'd made in their head.. perhaps the football star they'd imagined or whatever... but anyway they've already thought about it and had this grand plan about having a son now they find out that this child is most likely going to struggle in a lot of areas, speech?, motor function? coordination? friends? ...., each child is different. To a certain degree they also blame themselves must have been somthing they did...

good news is that most work through their grief and realize that their son/daughter is still the most amazing child they've ever seen and the love they have for them is overwhelming and that dispite challenges they will face them together... then they start to get involved a lil more.

In our case his dad did eventually accept the dianosis which later was narrowed to AS and he got involved with the IEP process, appts, ect. As far as the therapies and the day to day and the "work" that had to be done he really to this day seems oblivious but then it is possible that given so many of the parrellel childhood traits and things they share maybe he figures he turned out fine so will his son. And because back when he was a child they didn't diagnose kids like this unless they were severly affected they just thought they were 'shy' or 'strange' or overly intelligent... I know in our case he grew up with his mother verbally abusing him and pushing him and had only 1 real friend into adulthood. He was lucky that his parents were really into golf because it was a sport that doesn't require socializing and he could really accel. But dispite all of it he still managed to get married, have a family, go to college, hold down a well paying job for 18 years..

I dont know if it could be similar in your case or not but thought i'd share

Or he would have to reevaluate his sense of himself, and realize that maybe he is AS, too. Tough one to swallow, right?

I'd forgotten about the grieving process. I think we all have to go through some version of that. We thought my son was destined to be a gymnast, the way he could contort himself as a baby. Turns out, instead, he has hyper-mobility that makes it difficult for him to do everyday things like hold a fork or write. Creates a whole flip on how you see certain aspects of your child.

He actually came to the conclusion that he was AS already he wont of course get tested but back in the beginning we read so much and watched videos and things, we were listening to temple grandin speak about thinking in pictures and he said "you mean everyone doesn't" I said no todd we dont. He went on to say that he assumed everyone did and that's why he would get so mad at his mother when she couldn't understand what he was explaining on the computer .. i really do think he simply figures if he was fine without help why wouldn't his son be fine too that he's just going at it slowly or somthing... having said that he does show up for the IEP's and altho usually quiet will cause quite a scene when the school people try to upset me or derail me lol one day ask me about that story OMG.! !!


You know is interesting and let me first say i'm a lil different ... not AS but simply idk hard to explain but.. I think I grieved before the diagnosis during the months when I had no clue what was going on and why he wasn't doing this or that , why he didn't want to be held or burped normally ect... the day we got a diagnosis was more joyful for me than anything i was excited about it because it ment that what was going on had a name and with a name comes the power to help him.. Todd on the other hand did grieve as I said or maybe feeling that it ment there was somthing wrong with his son??? cause like i said at the time they throw all kinds of stuff at you and you have no clue but never do they tell you all the great things

also they never remind you that a child is only capable of what you believe they can acheive... kinda sad to convince parents their children won't succeed which can in some cases make that exact outcome a reality.. manifest destination they call this... believe they can touch the stars and they will find a way to do it:)

I never had thought of what he'd become way back then ... today he tells me he is going to be a professional golfer haha lets hope his slice is better than his dads ~! !!

In my experience, people who have such mentalities are usually fall into one of three groups.

1. Ignorant.
2. Unable to face the issue because they can't cope with it or accept it.
3. Not very smart.

That he had you son call his teacher in such a manner was a bit inappropriate. Maybe he felt entitled because it is a private school, and your son should get his DS time. If you try to make everything educational, you overload the brain. It needs time to relax so that it can actually do something productive with learned information.

could be too that he just didn't want to deal with the tantrum.. easier to give in and let him call???

"of course"?

he doesn't care if it has a name or not. I think when i am typing i forget sometimes that everyone does not know him ... I was with him for 14 years married for 12 and have remained his friend (no matter how difficult) for 3...so after 17 yrs...i can say of course he would not (from my personal experience with him) sorry if it sounded flippant or all encompasing am only speaking of him not any group of people

Just to play a bit of devils advocate here but could your husband possibly be reacting the way he is because he sees so much of himself in your son? Admitting there is 'something wrong' with his son would be as good as saying there is something wrong with him? Asperger's is just a difference. There are some AS traits that need some creative redirection - the same old, same old child rearing techniques need some shaking up with an Aspie. It's a challenge but not an unsurmountable one.

It's ironic in a way - your husband's reaction to Temple Grandin's 'thinking in pictures'. I remember explaining this to someone in my twenties and getting a blank look in return. Someone had to sit down and explain to me that people don't do that and that it was ODD that I did. I thought it was just part of my 'creative' side. Well, now in my forties, I realize it is. My 'creative side' is Asperger's. I also made the connection while having my daughter diagnosed. If your husband is interested in exploring that possibility there are quite a few other parents in the same situation.

My huband is also having a very difficult time with the AS diagnosis. He still refers to AS as a mental illness, insists that we just need to 'change her behavior', and that my redirection methods of preventing meltdowns is just me being spineless and not 'laying down the law'. My daughter is close to 9 now and was just diagnosed this past January but she has had an IEP for PDD-NOS since she was 3. Before I had her evaluated at 3, both my husband and his sister confronted me, wanting to know why I wanted something to be wrong with her. No parent wants there to be something wrong with their child. But, denial won't make the issues go away either.

Maybe it would be helpful to find out one or two things specifically that your husband sees as a challenge with your son and ask for advice here. Maybe if he sees there is an entire community that understands your challenges he may come round a bit. Every now and then I'll read a post to my husband that sounds like our situation and it kind of sinks in little by little.

And, just my opinion: the fact that your husband didn't think twice about allowing your son to call his teacher at home might be a good indication that he could be an Aspie.

OK, I get the "spirit" in which you wrote that, now.