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aurea
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24 Mar 2011, 3:42 pm

J got back from school camp the other day, camp activities were good and he enjoyed himself. :) Then J tells me that C who in previous years has been his closest friend hit him 5 times (several of those in the face), and he doesn't know why.
C is also on the spectrum and has severe meltdowns and anxiety. Last years camp was a night mare for C and it has taken 12 months for him to recover. C's mum was getting regular text message up dates in relation to how C was coping at camp. I got none.
I had a brief conversation with J's teacher yesterday about what had happened. She tells me J did nothing wrong but C lashed out at him out of jealousy. J was talking/playing with another child and C was angry because he is struggling more than J socially.
Whilst I feel for C, I am J's parent and am angry. C often in the past has verbally attacked J for what he perceives as J thinking he is better than C. C has also on numerous occasions told J that C's iq is much superior than his. Things had deteriorated so bad last year at school, that J finally had an explosive meltdown (all verbal) and teachers finally listened.
This year J has finally been able to put some space between himself and C, and has been some what successful in making friends with a couple of NT kids.
This camp incident has left me a little cross. I'm not sure what if anything I should be doing about it. I am actually pretty good friends with C's mum, I haven't spoken with her yet and I'm not sure if I should. I know that she has a lot on her plate and she is well aware of C's anxiety and his explosive meltdowns. I don't want to add to her problems. At the same time however part of me is feeling like C got away with hitting J because he is on the spectrum and this is the behavior they expect from him. Everyone thinks J has moved on, perhaps he has. My concern is, that this sort of thing has happened in the past with J. Kids has treated him badly and he has put up with it because "they had a bad day". I'm concerned that this is effecting J's self esteem and self worth.
I told J that if C starts screaming at him again to tell him, that he can't handle being yelled at and to walk away. J said he is to scared to do this because it might make C worse.

Any advice.


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Mum of 2 fantastic boys. oldest 21 yrs= newly dx'ed ASD
youngest 12yrs =dx'ed ASD, ADHD,OCD,GAD and tourettes.


DW_a_mom
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24 Mar 2011, 7:13 pm

I find all these interpersonal questions so difficult ...

I am going to take a leap and assume that J is capable of understanding, at this point, that different kids are at different developmental points and, thus, capable of different levels of self-control. On that basis, I suggest you have a conversation with him about the incident along the lines of:
1) Hitting is not acceptable behavior any time, any place. No one ever deserves to it, and no one is ever right to hit.
2) However, society goes easier on the consequences if they feel the person was not in a position to control their actions due to personal maturity and similar issues. 2 year olds have more leeway than teens; adults pretty much have none.
3) C, just like J, is expected to learn how to identify and mitigate his own stress build ups in order to prevent the loss of control. If J sees C starting to act up more, and gets worried about C's level of stress, perhaps he can help the process along by pointing it out to a teacher.
4) It might reinforce it to J if he states out loud to C, "you should not have hit me, that is not acceptable." Most certainly C owes J an apology.
5) Bragging is rude, and usually comes from kids trying to make themselves feel better, more than trying to make someone else feel worse. I don't know if C realizes if he is bragging or not, but it's best to teach kids to just ignore it. For every brag C can make, I'm sure J can make one back, and he should keep that knowledge secure inside his head.

Since C is also special needs, you might be OK having a non-judgemental conversation with his mom about it, but you are rapidly nearing the age where you'll be expected to stay out of it or you'll make everything for your son's social life 10 times worse, so watch out for that.


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Mom to an amazing young adult AS son, plus an also amazing non-AS daughter. Most likely part of the "Broader Autism Phenotype" (some traits).