ASD parents from a violent or neglectful upbringing

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I am struggling to keep my ASD duaghter in the home b/c her aggression is a trigger for old issues. I check out when she gets going; making it hard to discipline. Also I have ADHD PTSD so anxiety is overwhelming me. She is 16 and bigger than me and her brother is on the spectrum, age 7. I hate to institutionalize her...

You need to work with her BEFORE the aggression hits. This is the time she can listen, and this is the time when your old issues won't haunt you. I don't have time to write down all the details in this post, but if you read around you will see that we have many methods for helping mitigate aggression. Otherwise, as far as I'm concerned, checking out and taking care of yourself (and the 7 year old) when a 16 year old is flipping out is fine; it's not like there is much you can do to stop it at that point.

Very short summary:

1) Make the environment more suitable to the child. Many times aggression is a defensive reaction to sensory or emotional issues. Find the triggers and mitigate them.
2) Make sure your child has and uses ways to self-calm. Do NOT try to squash stims; these are part of the self-calming process.
3) Teach your child to recognized the internal changes leading up to the need to act aggressively, and have her take responsibility for self-calming BEFORE the aggression hits. Part of the deal here is that you take her absolutely seriously when she says "I have to go to my room and be alone so I can self-calm" at even the most inconvenient times. Meanwhile, continuing reinforcing that explosions at her age are unacceptable unless there was no opportunity to self-mitigate (something like a siren going off is unpredictable and can send some of our members into full melt-down mode, but social conflicts tend to build and the frustration can be mitigated before the final straw arrives).
4) Work with professionals to find out if there is anything else bothering your child, or affecting her behavior. Believe me, kids do not WANT to be aggressive; there is a trigger.

Read Tracker's book, listed in our recommened reading section (I think the link is asdstuff or something like that), and get a better sense of what is happening with her.

Don't forget to take care of yourself. If you have issues you think it would be helpful to work through with a therapist, then you should do so. We are most likely to be the best parents we can be when we are healthy and whole, mentally and physically.

I am sorry to hear you have old issues haunting you.

Thanks so much for the response. All 3 of us are receiving clinical services; my daughter and I for 12 years. I am just overwhelmed and getting discouraged b/c of my attentional challenges.

Thanks

Re-reading myself I feel like I was so adrupt ... OK, I was trying to be quick, but I want to say this better this time: I do feel for your situation. Please try not to get discouraged; there is only so much you can do, and you have to trust that God/nature/whatever-you-believe-in still considers you to be the right parent for this daughter, no matter how limited or imperfect what you are able to do seems at times. All any of us can do is our best; we aren't magicians. We have no magic or perfect answers. We just cope and teach our kids to cope by letting them see how we keep at it.

You CAN overcome those. I have severe ADHD in addition to Asperger's and an abusive childhood. I know where you're coming from. However, I've been functioning without medication for ADHD for almost ten years now and am in college, taking care of my probably Aspie son, and running the household basically by myself. The attention issues can be overcome. You just have to force yourself to do it. I know that sounds cliche, but somehow it's different from what you think when people tell you, "You just have to focus." It's almost like you don't know what they mean when they say it until you learn HOW to focus. When you feel yourself getting distracted, say, "No. I am not going to think about that, I'm going to think about xyz that's going on now" and NAME the thing you're focusing on. "I'm going to focus on my daughter." Tune out your thoughts and just do one thing at a time. And most of all, don't make excuses. When you say, "Oh, my attention challenges" or "Oh, my Asperger's" or "Oh, my abusive past" you are setting yourself up for failure. Learn the difference between a reason and an excuse. ADHD is a reason for difficulty focusing. However, it's an excuse for not trying to focus. If you use anything to justify not at least trying, it's an excuse. Trust me, I did that for years and have just within the last year or so figured that out. So don't say, "I just don't know what to do because of my attentional challenges" when someone just laid out for you what to do. If you're asking for advice on how to focus, say "Okay, this is difficult for me because of my ADHD. How do I keep my focus when I start getting distracted?" One is an excuse. The other is productive.
I'm sorry if this sounds blunt or rude. I just don't know how to phrase it in a friendlier way.

Hi, thanks again; the help was not perceived as rude at all, actually sounds like something I would (and do) say to others and myself regularly! I think I was attempting to find kinship and compassion. I vent to my counselor, but she doesnt live the lifestyle. Ppl say, you are rare, fortuitous, and persistent. The ppl that tell me that cheer me on, but have no idea what it's like 24/7. Lately, I am exhausted. I am desperate for someone who really knows the intimate effects of this lifestyle to say....I dunno, something profound that gives me back the level of hope critical to the success of this phase of my life. I am beginning to question the rationality of my being a fulltime student. Regardless, I am 6weeks from a degree..........I pray.

I needed to hear from someone like me! Thank you for taking the time to share yourself with me
Amy

I know where you're coming from. I'm a single mom, full time student, and my son also has aggression issues (though fortunately he's only six). PM me anytime if you need to talk.

I can't offer more than the good advice above, but I understand the difficulty. Provided you and your children are safe it is better to ignore the behavior rather than over-react.

This is an issue I have been pondering for a while. I had a violent upbringing - and until I was diagnosed I thought my own difficulties with rage were all my mother's fault. But I realize now that managing emotions is something I need to sort out myself, and would probably have been an issue regardless of how I was treated, except that I learned the wrong responses to frustration (lashing out). I was treated much worse than my siblings, and that too I realise is because my mother could not deal with my AS behavior. So modelling good behavior for my son has become very important.

Hi Goofus,

I am afraid I have nothing profound to say. But I can relate somewhat. I have ADD, GAD and am a possible aspie (undiagnosed, no plans to seek diagnosis). I find the task of trying to keep my sons organized exhausting, and overwhelming too. I was also in an abusive relationship in my youth, and any rages, yelling or aggressive behaviour from my sons can trigger a huge anxiety response from me.

Do you have support from anyone else? Partner, close friends or family? Someone that can step up to deal with all or part of the aggressive behaviour?

And re: the "overwhelmed and getting discouraged b/c of my attentional challenges." I wish I had some advice for that!! ! That is my constant state of being. I get such positive feedback from the school, counsellors etc, and yet I feel like I am constantly battling time, and drowning in a pile of "to do's". I muddle along. I use lists, calendars etc. I have a moleskine that I carry with me pretty well everywhere and call my "life book" (yeah, I know I'm old school, but when I tried to use an itouch I kept forgetting to charge it and it would be down at the crucial moment!). I try not to beat myself up for the hours lost when I am simply not able to zone in on what needs to be done. Some weeks the best I can do is prioritize the things that are at critical mass and let the rest go. I will never be as productive as some of the other moms I see. They seem to get more done in a day than I can manage in a week, but like I said, I muddle along and somewhere in all that muddling somehow I get the essentials done.