6 year old daughter just diagnosed with Asperger's

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My daughter was just diagnosed with Asperger's. I have some questions, but first here is some background on how she acts:

-Has to have things a certain way
-Cries easily if things do not go her way
-Is very controlling and wants to control others and control play
-Can be very rude and demanding
-Has little impulse control
-Doesn’t often respond when called (in her own world?)
-Can be defiant, either will not do as told or insists on doing something she shouldn’t
-Conversations are one sided…her side
-Smart, great memory
-Funny, good sense of humor, sometimes a little odd but good
-Good imagination, pretends she is different animals often
-Does not have a topic of special interest but gets obsessed with whatever is on her mind
-Can hyper focus at times
-Likes to be around other people, but has a hard time keeping friends
-Is loving when she wants to be

I want to learn how to teach her that other people have opinions and other people do not want to be controlled by her. I tell her this all the time but it doesn’t sink in. I want to help her to not get so upset when things do not go her way. She needs to learn to be more “flexible” and less “rigid” in her thinking.
I love her for who she is and realize that she is not a “bad kid.” I realize that her Asperger’s gives her certain challenges in life that the rest of us don’t have. I want to build on her strengths and really tackle her weaknesses but I am not sure how to do this.
Any advice? She is in a regular Kindergarten class and I will be fighting for services and it is going to be quite a fight. We will look into private services if we can find them as well.

Thank you all in advance

Much of what you want her to learn will take a ton of patience. These are classic AS issues. Start by making sure she is comfortable in her environment and with what is expected of her. You'll find that the more threatened or confused she feels by the world, the more she'll work to control it and everything in it. She can't meet the challenges of learning to think in a new way when she's stressed, and AS kids are stressed by many many little things that we see as nothing.

A great place to start is a book written by a member of this site, free for download at: http://www.ASDstuff.com

Many members here enjoy giving their congratulations on finding you have an AS child, because certain aspects of it are pretty cool. Like so many things in life, it is its own crazy combination of benefits and burdens, so hopefully you are ready to enjoy all the great aspects, while you get down to work on the tougher ones. Welcome to the site! Here you can learn first hand what it is like for people who are AS, and that is an amazing resource.

Thank you for the respose. I just read the first 10 pages of the book you recommended. The author doesn't like to socialize and I know that is fairly typical with people with Aspergers. My daughter really likes to socialize, she is just not good at it. She wants to control everyone and control the playing. She melts down when she doesn't get her way and then kids don't want to play with her. Are there lots of people with Asperger's that really enjoy socializing? Is it possible for social skills groups to help?

Thanks!

I believe you misunderstand what the author is trying to say. He does indeed enjoy socializing, and has a few good friends that he enjoys spending time with occasionally. He just prefers to engage in smaller events with a few friends as opposed to large parties with lots of strangers. He also has a lower requirement for how much socialization he needs in order to feel happy, but that does not mean that he is misanthropic or that he has no desire to be social whatsoever.

All that to say, simply because the author may be less interested in socializing then other people, does not mean that the entire book is irrelevant to your situation. I would recommend that you read through the rest of the book as it still has a good deal of useful advice about things like avoiding meltdowns and other such issues that you may benefit from understanding better.

As far as social skills classes are concerned, they might help, or they might not. It depends on what exactly is meant by 'social skills'. If you are interested in learning more, I would suggest you read this thread:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt147784.html

Lol, and right above me is clarification from the author himself.

There are actually huge differences in AS individuals as to how much they like to socialize, and in what ways.

My son LOVED to socialize when he was 6. So intensely drawn to social situations and people that we had a very hard time getting our heads around the possibility of AS when it was first mentioned just after he turned 7. But we - and him - have since learned that not only is he not very good at them, but they often served as triggers for meltdowns down the road (he could hold it together until he was out of the situation, and then some silly thing would happen and all the cummulative stress would explode). The reason our kids get controlling in social situations is because everything about it is confusing and alien to them, and fails to act as expected, so they work to refigure it all in a way that makes sense to them. It doesn't mean they can't enjoy the situation, but understanding the push and pull of it will eventually help them select more careful and enage more meaningfully.

That makes sense. I guess I was just wondering if it is more typical for people with Asperger's to try really hard to make friends and just not do very well at it, or more typical for people with Asperger's to avoid lots of social interaction because they are less interested in it (not meaning they don't like any interaction, but are happier being solo more of the time than your average person without AS). I guess it doesn't really matter, everyone is unique whether they have Asperger's are not. I just know my daughter really likes to be around other kids but she sometimes ends up hitting them or annoying them.

I am on page 56 and I am really enjoying the book!

[/quote]

That makes sense. I guess I was just wondering if it is more typical for people with Asperger's to try really hard to make friends and just not do very well at it, or more typical for people with Asperger's to avoid lots of social interaction because they are less interested in it (not meaning they don't like any interaction, but are happier being solo more of the time than your average person without AS). I guess it doesn't really matter, everyone is unique whether they have Asperger's are not. I just know my daughter really likes to be around other kids but she sometimes ends up hitting them or annoying them.

I am on page 56 and I am really enjoying the book![/quote]

Hi

This is my first time posting on this website and I don't know if I've done the reply with quote bit correctly. My 5yr old daughter doesn't have a diagnosis yet, but it's becoming increasingly likely that she has Aspergers (maybe ADHD and definite sensory issues). I too have Aspergers traits and, having done several on-line self tests, it's probable that I have it.

Anyway, back to your question about interaction. I was a very extroverted, confident young child until I was about 7yrs. Then I suddenly became very shy and remained like this until just a few years ago and decided that I had to overcome it, for the sake of my child. Recently, as I've been reading about Aspergers, I've come to the conclusion that the shyness started when I realised that I was being laughed at/ ridiculed/ disliked/ rejected/ whatever, after being oblivious to it as a youngster (or my peers being oblivious to my differences until then). Being a shy, different and extroverted is an awful combination. You want friends, but few think you're worth being friends with and it hurts. Introverts seem to cope better. I decided that I didn't need friends as they caused too much heartache. I was happier being solo, but it was because of past experience, not because of my nature. I'm back to being an extrovert, shyness overcome (to a great extent). I have a couple of great friends, who know I'm a bit different, but they love that about me.

My daughter really worries me. She's just like I was at her age, totally confident, full of life and extremely happy. She's a lovely caring girl, who'd never do any harm to anyone and deserves to be loved back. However, I've noticed the way some of her classmates (mainly the girls) are reacting to her. They stare and seldom say 'Hi'. She dresses conformingly and looks pretty, so it can't be that. I can only assume her behaviour is causing upset or bemusement. Most days, she tells me that she played with nobody. She much prefers to play with the boys, but they don't want to play with her, except one, but he has other friends who won't play with her. I worry that someday she'll realise that they are not taking well to her and she'll become shy as a result.

I don't know if this explains anything better for you.

Cheerio

Thank you so much for the replies. What the above poster said is also concerning to me. My daughter likes to be around people and socialize but as her peers mature we see a bigger difference between them and her. She has a really hard time with recess and the teacher said she either gets in trouble with the kids or isolates herself. It seems unfair to be a person who really wants to be with others and play but not having the skills to do so ends in being picked on and left out. If she liked to be off on her own I certainly would not force her to socialize. But since she wants to socialize I really want to be able to provide her with the skills to to do better at it. I don't want to change who she is, but she really has to learn how to be more "flexible" and less controling, as well as learn how to not get into other people space in an innapropraite way.

I am reading and I am learning and I am realizing my daughter's issues are very COMPLEX. She is such a wonderful girl, it makes me sad when she just cannot deal with the slightest bit of stress and melts down over things that are really really not a big deal. Example: She picks out a red crayon to color with and when she starts to color she sees the red color is a bit pink. Well, she wanted red so she flips out about how it is not red and throws the crayon. When things like that happen she goes from fine to meltdown in 3 seconds and there is no way I could have prevented that. Another example: She wants to control everything her little sister does. If she tells her sister to sit in a certain spot and her sister doesn't do it she will yell at her and maybe hit her! How do I get it through to her she cannot control people? She can have her room set up how she wants and even though it is all cluttered and to me and I would love to tidy up but I let her have things just the way she wants because it is not a big deal. But it is a big deal when she hits someone for not doing what she wants.

I am her mom and I am trying to figure her out so I can help her. It is so scary that she spends 7 hours a day at school with people who don't know her as well and certainly are not trying to figure her out and probably have no idea how to help her.

Thanks for listening. This disgnosis is definitely not gloom and doom but it is complicated!

when my son was younger up to about 4 yrs old he prefered to be alone and in his own world after that he really wanted social interaction He had only his lil sister who would play with him untill we moved here at which point he met a little boy 3 yrs younger who lives across the street. This young boy remains his only friend which is very hard for my son because he wants desperately to have people to play with but nobody will.

School is very lonely for him in fact he mentioned again today that he has no friends and nobody will play with him. The schools here split at 3rd grade so his 1 friend is not yet at his school.


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Done at the right time when the child is relaxed and happy, playing simple board games, like snakes and ladders and the like can enable a child to learn to not only take turns, but that they can't always win, etc. Doing that reguarly allows them to realise the bit of chance that can take a part in games and the like, and it can be done with parents, allowing them to learn skills without special therapy and the like.

I also concor with others that we do need time out and lots of it. After being at school all day the last thing a child on the spectrum needs is to forced into other groups and the like. But if you can find what her specail interest is and try to get them involved in clubs of that sort, that often helps as well. It is hard for them to understand that people are not as obsessed about a topic as they are.

Also solitary activities, but done in groups can sometimes be useful. Swimming lessons, they learn to wait their turn, that they cannot do everything perfectly, that some children will go before them, etc. I have also heard of parents who used gymn classes on a similar basis, and it also did a great deal to improve coordination and the like, which many of us have terrible problems with and can at times help them to later participate in team sports and the like, as it gives them better physical skills

Rather than expecting them to cope with a group of kids at rescess you need to give them small doses of being with children and learning to play with adults, that will allow them to be alone and yet be with people at the same time. Through these things they can pick up some of the skills needed to interact with other kids. Recess is about the hardest part of school for any child, and while they may want to be social, the other simple reality is that they do not want to be different.

That makes sense but I have no control of recess at school There are lots of kids and few adults who are just there and not actually involved with the kids. She gets in trouble alot during this time as well as during transitions (lining up). So if a child sets her off (like nudges her in line or says something rude) she is impulsive and will kick or hit them (not beat them up but do a little quick hit) and then she gets in trouble.

How do you help someone to not be so impulsive???

By mitigating the environment so that they are not forced to cope with things beyond their developmental capabilities. You can't exercise impluse control when you are forced into survival mode.

Your daughter, for example, may prefer being given permission to stay in the classroom during recess, or even to go to the office. Talk to her about it, think of 3 or 4 possible alternatives, and then present them to the IEP team. Recess is a huge trap for many AS kids and the solutions will vary depending on how much the child needs the run time, and the structure of the school. If your daughter doesn't need run time, try finding her a calm place to go. Many kids here have that type of accommodation in their IEPs. If you can solve recess then you might have a chance at getting her to learn some self control for the line ups.

We are trying to get her an IEP...without one, they won't make any accomodations. That is a good idea though.

The other question is whether they are willing to exempt her from lining up. Just let her walk in after the other kids if that makes sense.

Standing in line can be incredibly difficult, and even as an adult it is something I often have to walk away from. I cannot stand people being close to me, and if someone touches me even lightly it can feel as though I have just been belted if that makes sense. My sensory overload is extreme and sensory issues are usually what causes all problems.

I totally agree that you cannot control rescess. I guess what I was trying to say was that you cannot expect her to learn social skills at that time. The whole reason they are on the spectrum is that they fail to pick up social cues. All social skills have to be specifically taught. And while most social skills training, focus on quite robotic skills, like standing still, saying please and thankyou, sharing, etc, they do not give them the social and emotional skills they need. They have a great deal of difficulty reading body language, and knowing the feelings of other people, etc. Even if someone is crying, they will not necessarily realise the person is upset. If they do get emotions it is only at extreme levels, ie, a person has to be crying uncontrollably for them to realise what the emotion is. Psychologists can sometimes help with that, but finding the right one is hard. Occupational therapists skilled in sensory integration can often help with seonsory overload. If you have not heard of weighted vests they can sometimes help, along with weighted blankets and the like. By putting pressure on the child they help to soothe them and keep them calm, but again, nothing is a miracle cure.

She needs to learn social skills, and play skills but that has to be done one on one in an environment that she can cope with. She might for instance be able to handle playing a board game at home with you, but would not cope in the classroom at school. She will need a great deal of repepitive practice for those skills to be able to be integrated into peer group interactions.

I also agree that getting the school on board as soon as possible is crucial. She should not be getting in trouble for things that she can barely control and more than likely she is hitting out, because of how the kids are reacting to her. But the teachers do not see that, only what she has done. Can you convince her to simply automatically go to the back of the line, so that she is always last and that way, there are no kids to push her, or is that not always an option? That may be one way to deal with it, but the wanitng to be first mentality that goes on in school yards can get in the way.

there is some belief that those with classic autism do not wish to socialize and those with asperger's wish to socialize but do not have the skills to be successful at it. this isnt going to be 100% accurate, of course, and i do wonder whether its really been studied. i can say for certain that it holds true in my own family, tho.

my SO D and youngest son K are diagnosed with classic autism, oldest son N has a school diagnosis of asd but is more in the range of asperger's. the two auties do not socialize, period. it takes a great deal of time and familiarity for them to willingly communicate with and spend time with someone. even after an entire school year, K still does not play with his classmates and only speaks to them to correct them when they are doing something wrong. strangers in the store or on the playground, forget about it, my auties arent going to have anything to do with someone they dont know. the aspie N on the other hand likes people, likes to socialize and desperately wants friends, but he fails often to achieve his social goals. he is awkward socially, doesnt pick up on social cues, and often behaves in ways that are annoying or off-putting to others.

i think the main difference between the two types, at least in my house, is the level of anxiety experienced. the auties both have extreme social anxiety, talking to others is scary, unpredictable, difficult to formulate conversation (this may tie in directly to language delays in classic autism), social exposure generates a negative physical response in the form of stress. the aspie, while a little shy in new situations and self conscious, does not have the extreme anxiety that the others have. that anxiety reaction is what drives the auties away from wanting to socialize. for them, socialization is not fun and instead is downright scary, stressful, and even painful.

i definitely see the controlling aspect in my oldest son, the aspie. he constantly tries to control his 7 yr old NT brother, who is a very independent and able child, and fights the controlling. it causes a lot of conflict.

Thank you for the reply. Funny you wrote about being last in line! She is OBESSED with being last in line. Being last in line is cool or something and you are called the caboose! I do wonder now though if she wants to be in the back because being in the middle in uncomfortable for her! I am going to ask her why she likes to be in the back as soon as she gets home!