I think I'm the one having the meltdowns lately.

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I think I'm the one been having the meltdowns lately. I just get so frustrated with my 9 yr old son's total refusal to care about anything other than his own world that he's engrossed in. So frustrated that I have to tell him to do everything, that he can have no sense of anything else such as personal habits, picking up after himself, common sense things. Then when I tell him off he just looks blankly at me, which sets me off into complete meltdown. I'm tired of all this, and envy people with kids who have good EQ, who seem so mature and sociable. And I know the way I'm handling this isn't good for him and his self esteem. But at that moment, all I want to do is win the battle. Why am I like this....

Because you're human.

Because you're frustrated, confused, and don't know where to go from here...?

I have completely ridiculously snotty, sobbing meltdowns any time I don't have a feasible "plan".
Anger when repeating myself for the OMG MILLIONTH TIME.
These are natural feelings and responses.

Sure, you could and should try to find a better outlet for dealing with it, but YOU'RE HUMAN.

I'm sure I'm not the only one who can admit that I too have flipped out and yelled at my son, even though I know it's not going to do anything but, maybe for the moment, make me feel better. We've all done it. We all feel like scum buckets afterward. Try to remember how you feel in this moment so you can try to not repeat your actions. Try to learn from it and move on. Try not to beat yourself up so much.

You said it in the second sentence. You're frustrated. And I am no one to judge, and I am not judging...but your second to last sentence says just as much... you know it's not good for him, so unfortunately yes, he will probably not pick up on it. Really I think some NT kids that are 9 have some trouble with following personal habits and picking up after themselves too, honestly. I'm not downgrading your situation, just trying to give you hope that he's young and hopefully will adapt better as he matures. This may or may not happen, but I would think it certainly wouldn't improve matters to tell him off for something he is unable to comprehend or redirect at this point, whether it be due to diagnosis or age in general. I know that's tough, but I will wish the best for you. I was that 9 year old kid, and I know all my parents could do was love me through it the best they could, and really I turned out pretty good, and now me and my mom laugh together about the old days because they were just so insane, this many years later you can't help but find the humor. (She jokes that she never had to worry about finding a brush or an ottoman because at least once a week one or the other would be flying at her at a high rate of speed.) I am not officially diagnosed, and the Asperger's diagnosis was pretty rare back then, so when I finally found some info and read it to her she about freaked out about all the money she spent bringing me to a shrink to get a bazillion diagnoses when the only thing "wrong" was my wiring. She totally agrees that I fit every symptom. The reason I say all this is now, at 29 years of age, I am working, living independently, paying my own bills (my dad's hours got cut, they couldn't help me if they wanted to) I'm in a healthy, stable relationship (When him and I first met, I kicked out his windshield during our first fight, so don't let me make you think I am perfect now HAHA) I have friends, I socialize, albeit awkwardly, and life is relatively smooth for me. I know and do not discredit that this is not always the case for ALL on the spectrum, but I am just one example that with constant love and redirection, people on the spectrum CAN and DO succeed. Like I said, I'm not perfect, but I'm not driving my mom crazy anymore either. Keep your head up the best you can.

I also want to say that most people on the spectrum that I know, myself included, sometimes have a different view of "common sense". What may be common to a neurotypical person is not always so common to us. My mother had a very hard time understanding that as well until just recently when we found our "answers" in places like this site.

Perhaps, you can ask him how it feels when that happens. I've been through similar things at that age, but due to my sensitive nature, I was melting down as well. One day I had a big, massive meltdown after my mum spanked me. I was crying and going on about how I hated her, what a witch she was and that I wanted to spank her. She heard every word that I said and came into my room. She said, "You said that you wanted to spank me, so go ahead and spank me." After I denied saying that I did for 5 minutes, I spanked her as hard as I could. I had a mum who melted down and said nasty things to me, and it didn't help me, one bit. She used that guilt trip on me - "I try to be nice to you guys and this is what I get! I can't believe this!" Than my tears would come, because I had this idea in my head that if my mum had the gall to say that to my little sister and I, that she hated me with a passion, and that she wished she had a first born who had more emotional control. Just my 2 Cents.

I think shadowchyld hit the nail on the head here. If this is about your son's clothes, you need to work with him, every day, on picking up his clothes after he gets dressed and putting them in the hamper (on his way to breakfast, or whatever makes sense), until it becomes routine. Once it's his routine, you'll never have to worry about it again. Ever. As long as you just tell him, nothing will change. You need to be physically involved, but calmly. And you need to do it in a way that doesn't violate his personal space. Explain the new rule/routine, ask him if it makes sense to him/if it will make it easier for him to remember to pick up his clothes, and be there for it to happen until it's firmly established.

The chances are, when you look at the room and see the clothes on the floor, it makes you nuts. When your son looks at the room, he doesn't see the clothes on the floor at all. Seriously. It's not what he's looking for, so it's "not there." Plus, he's a kid. And, I hate to tell you, it gets worse! LOL! When they're teenagers/young adults, being able to walk into their rooms is a challenge - the stuff all over the floor is like a total obstacle course!

I think the OPs post was meant to express frustration and to see if anyone else felt that way. I don't think this was a post asking for specific tips on how to manage said child.

Yes - I feel that way too. The amount of totally child focused time one must spend working on the simplest issues sends me into a meltdown too. the problem is I am not without needs, and there is no room for anyones needs but my AS kid's. At times it is more than I can take.

I just went on a business trip where I had appointments from 7:00 AM returning to the hotel @ 8:00PM, and still having work to do to get ready for the next set of appointments. I almost cried when it was time to go home because it was so nice to have no one else to tend to. I find that fairly pathetic, and I am no workaholic. It was being away from the 24/7 providing calm direction, giving DS what he needs ALL THE TIME.

BTW - It is my experience that this is not an age related thing. I have an NT son (who tells me that he thinks he has AS too, but I don't think so - he does have some characteristics though). Anyway, he didn't have the best of common sense but by the time he was my other son's age, I didn't need to force him to shower or use the bathroom. I wasn't brushing his teeth. By this age he didn't want me seeing him naked, so I wan't having to dry him after the shower. So - I don't think it's an age thing.

My boys are 15 (16 next month ) & 11.

Last weeked my 11 yo had an unbelievable, suicidal - homocidal meltdown. After I was pushed to the edge, I started to meltdown too and talk about how much we have to do for him, and we get that behavior. It may be designed to make him feel a little guilty - it's not right how much he expects from us constantly.

I understand everyone will tell the NT parent, they cant help it - you shouldn't melt down too. But what if we can't help it sometimes?

Kailuamom,

Of course, as parents we also need our own time - to take care of ourselves, and sometimes to melt down. We're human, and we have emotions. We have to be able to express them and nurture ourselves (and, we hope, be nurtured by others!). Ideally, we can have our meltdowns away from our kids, but that won't always happen either. If we can use those occasions to explain that to our kids afterwards, they can be teaching opportunities so they can start to learn how other people are affected by their behavior - even when they don't mean it, or don't realize it. If, after our meltdowns, we can explain things to our children calmly, they can learn a lot from them! Our kids have to learn how the world works, and how people express emotions, so it wouldn't be a good thing if they never saw emotions expressed anyway. They just need the "guidebook" afterwards, so they can learn from what they see, and so they know they are still loved.

Unfortunately, my son doesn't EVER want to talk about it after. So - so far there are no teachable moments. (hopefully that will change) At least at our house, the mommy meltdowns are rare and during the child meltdown (and he doesn't notice, because he's so self absorbed!).

He has a terrible time with emotional recognition, so he just doesn't want to go there and talk about feelings he doesn't get. So far, I have had no luck in using the teachable moments.

It is what it is, and I love my kids. However there is very little room for this mommy to get her own needs met. The time I "steal" to come here and one other forum, is the only time I get. Frankly, it's something - but I still like the time where I don't have to remind anyone to do anything.

I totally get that. When my son was younger, the only time he would talk about anything was when he "had" to, during therapy. And even that was very limited. The good news, for us, was that even though he wouldn't talk about it, the three words that we would get in were absorbed ... as we discovered much, much later. He still doesn't like to talk about things, but he's growing up, and things that used to be huge, no longer are. Part of the ease, for us, was a much better school placement. When things at school are going well, everything goes more smoothly.

Because you're a parent?

Seriously, we get comments all the time about how well behaved our daughter is. It sure doesn't seem that way to us. Those other kids that seem from the outside to be so mature and sociable probably drive their parents crazy at home too!

Dear everyone,
Thank you. Yes, I just so needed to vent my frustration and trouble is that often the frustration is taken out on him. I'm 'NT' for sure, and sometimes it just drives me nuts the things that seem obvious to me and that his 5 yr old sister has more sense than him. And yes, it's just intense and constant, as well as all the emotional support he needs cos he gets anxious and depressed easily, specially if there are any changes. I do believe those of you who say it does get better, thanx for the encouragement. How it happens I'm still not clear about. If anyone can help me understand better what's going on in my son's mind I would be grateful. Why is it when I tell him to clear up his mess he just picks up one item and doesn't even know what to do with it. But he can tell me all about Roman and Greek civilization!! The other day his father told him off about his mess and he started muttering under his breath as he does, and I demanded to know what he was muttering. He said he was planning what to play next! His train of thought wasn't even interrupted by a telling off! It's like he's in this other world and he doesn't want to be here. I'm sorry, but it drives me crazy. I'm proud of his abilities, but his disabilities get me down too.
Anyway, thank you again. It's just nice to hear people who know where I'm coming from xx

Have you read Tracker's book yet? It is written by someone with AS with the express purpose of helping us get inside our kid's heads. Go to: ASDStuff.com

I think what helped me most was realizing that just because a skill wasn't going to be acquired today, does not mean it will never be acquired. My son has eventually learned to do most of the things expected of children, just on a different schedule and in his own way. If teaching someone method A doesn't work, try B C and D. If it is becoming clear he just isn't ready to pick up, drop it. Lay off. Keep planting gentle seeds, and it is likely that one day out of the blue, long after you've given up, he simply starts doing it.

When you let go of expectations, it eases your own frustation.

And take advantage of the things he CAN do, that other kids his own age maybe can't. My son took an interest in cooking at an early age and started to help in the kitchen. I admit, I was terrified of having my clumsy and unsanitary child in the kitchen but, somehow, THIS was something he magically "got." Similar with fixing problems on our computers, and a whole mix of other things. You can try almost randomly asking for your child's help in a variety of situations, and see which ones he jumps into. You could be pleasantly surprised.

Toss the assumptions on their head and start over, basically. Your son will learn to feel pride at being an engaged member of the family, just like other kids, but he'll have to do it in his own time, in his own way, and using his own unique list of contributions.

It is so much easier to deal with picking up the kid's clothes off the floor when they are busy cooking you dinner Somehow, just don't mind anymore ...

Yes and no - For me, setting realistic expectations has helped my frustration on many days BUT then has increased my workload, which in turn increases my frustrations about other stuff. I worry that then I stop nudging my son to take the steps he can take, because I don't know where the invisible line between can't and don't feel like it is. AND then if pushing the don't feel like it limit will increase the emotional upset and result in a meltdown anyway. The vicious circle makes my head hurt!

I think it has improved my DS's life enormously though - and that makes it totally worth it. He's an amazing kid - even if he won't go to the bathroom unless I tell him to.

That sounds like me as a kid. I don't know if your kid is the same, but in retrospect I can tell exactly what was going on in my mind.

There wasn't any place to put the stuff. In fact, the stuff for which there was an appropriate place got put away regularly - my fleet of model ships stayed docked on the floor under the dresser when I wasn't playing with it, for example. But for most of my toys, there wasn't any "home" they could go back to, so to speak.

I remember once when my mother got frustrated enough to "clean up" the mess herself. But what she did was just dump all my toys in a box. That wasn't cleaning up the mess, that was just moving the mess from one place to another!

What I needed as a kid was fewer toys, but more places to put them away - kind of like adults don't park their cars on their front lawns because they have parking spaces or garages for those cars.

Listen to DW, read the book.

My son is the BIGGEST SLOB EVER! He doesn't put his pencil in the pencil box, he doesn't throw away his trash, he takes off his socks and throws them where ever. I cleaned my living room last night and found a small mountain of garbage behind his chair, 9 random socks, a handful of pencils and pens and erasers, 5 hats, 4or 5 books... and like a million and 2 little plastic army men, lego bits, or lincoln logs. It's completely ridiculous, and I can tell him everyday, that mess is gross, please pick up your garbage and put the other stuff away where it belongs. And he looks at me like I'm ret*d. Or he'll put away like two things and call it good. If I point out the rest, it's like "OMG GOD, I'm NEVER GOING TO FINISH." *dramatic meltdown time*
For me, the thing that saved my sanity was learning to pick my battles... If I send my son in to clean his room. He'll *pick* up the big stuff and somehow all the little stuff gets pushed to the edges of his room. For some reason, this stuff doesn't count to him. I can tell him, "I want your books on the book shelf, dirty clothes in the hamper, toys put away, garbage in the trash"....... forget about it... It doesn't matter that this makes perfect sense(TO ME).. that this is where all these things are logically supposed to go. I gave him a list that he will not remember.
If he says he's done, and I go in to inspect and OMG it's so totally NOT done, we're going to have a meltdown. Definitely him... and depending on length and the volume of his rant... probably me too to some degree.
So, when telling him what I want done, I push it all into a pile in the middle of the room and give him one precises directive. "Put this all where it belongs because when you're done cleaning it, I want to vacuum your floor." He has no problem with that. He knows exactly what I want picked up, and everything goes smoothly.

A lot of mom's would say that I shouldn't have to make that pile to begin with......... well, in a perfect NT world, maybe not.(In a perfect NT world you can just beat your kid and get on with your day... j/k) But, if I know that this will help my son do what I expect him to do, without ruining both of our days... Why shouldn't I take the 3 minutes to make things run smoother for both of us.

and really, I don't advocate child abuse....

Last edited by BurntOutMom on 16 Apr 2011, 2:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.