Hospitiliaztion for Aspie teen?

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I am new to the site, but not to being a parent of an Aspie. I live in Oklahoma, and resources are slim here. My son is 13, yes, hitting the dreaded years of puberty and teenage angst. Things are spiraling out of control. He is nonfunctional in school, at home, and socially. I have done all I know to do, and see no other option but for outside intensive help with the situation. I am disconcerted about the inpatient thing because I do not want him to be treated as emotionally disturbed. We've been down that road before. He desperately needs specific help dealing with spectrum disorders.

I have no doubt that he is additionally suffering from PTSD, (abuse from my ex husband), and severe anxiety. I have suspicions that he is oppositional (ODD). He is becoming increasingly violent to his younger sibling, and very hateful. He is so unhappy, and I don't know what to do to help.

If anyone has any suggestions, PLEASE let me know. I am considering relocating to any state that has better resources for my child. I don't want to lose him.

I've heard nothing positive about hospitalization so I hope you won't feel you have to go that route. By and large, when it comes to AS kids, it seems to make everything worse.

We do have threads that have addressed issues similar to yours in the past so I hope you will take the time to do some searches and see if you can find them. Also, please read Trackers book, which you can find free for download at ASDStuff.com (if that doesn't work it's on our recommended reading list). He has a way of really getting inside the heads of teens and young adults that are suffering, so hopefully you can get some insights.

I am sorry you are feeling so between a rock and hard place right now. Many of our families have been there, done that. Be patient and hopefully some of them will post their stories and let you know how they found their way to a better balance. I'm not going to say it ever gets rosy, when a child has more severe issues, but it can get better.

One thing to give serious thought to: pulling him from school. AS issues are often reactive to difficulties in the child's environment and middle school is no piece of cake for anyone. We've been lucky that our son hit these years from a position of emotional strength, and he doesn't have the types of co-morbids that tend to really wreck havoc at this age, but it's still been super difficult for him. It's the age, it's the kids, it's the hormones, and it's the pressure they are under. Some kids need to be left in social peace for a while until the chaos around them ebbs.

Thank you for replying. Funny you should mention school...this year has been the worst. His school has reduced his day to only three hours of school. They have withheld lunch from him because he wouldn't finish a math test. I am thoroughly disgusted. I want to pull him from school, but then what?

I recently traveled to Colorado to see about a new school that is opening, and it does look promising. They focus on ASD and social disorders. My fear is that we get involved there and he still cannot function. He has no concept of self-regulation, or self-entertainment. I see him more and more sinking into his "virtual" world through online games, and he melts down if I pull him off of the computer.

As far as inpatient, there is one program I've found here that deals exclusively with spectrum disorders. I know the therapist that is head of the psychology, there and she is amazing. I'm still unsure....feel so lost.

Every day he is melting down. All day. If he doesn't get his way on something he just screams and bangs his head and threatens to hurt himself. I know some, well a lot, of this is manipulative behavior, but i worry that if he doesn't get a grasp on a little bit of himself he will spiral downward even farther. Our history is difficult...late diagnosis, abuse, tons of instability. I hate that I cannot help him more that I have. We have a psychologist, rehab therapist, OT therapist, and nothing is having any kind of effect on him at all.

He is so beautiful, smart, loving (when he is not in the throws of a tantrum). I want the best for him, and will travel to the ends of the earth for it. I refuse to let him fall through the cracks.

People with ODD defy authority intentionally not because minding posses an inconvenience, but for other reasons.

When children with AS don't mind, it usually isn't intentional, and usually has to do with some sort of coping issue, as certain things can be very overwhelming to children on the spectrum.

A lot of the games many parents report their children play are games which have chat capabilities, and the child is actually socializing via the chat. The child "melts down" when the parent attempts to take this away because, in many instances, the parents are attempting to take away one of the only modes by which the child can freely communicate with the world without the inhibiting factors presented by the processing issues that go along with ASDs

Is he on any SSRI's? Sometimes they can make children act in the manner you describe.

What I think you need to work on, with him and with yourself, is give him tools to recognize and spot where his limits are. Socialization does not work for him the way it works for you: to you, it's enjoyable, to him, it is comparable to running (while being chased). If it goes on for too long, anxiety sets in, because you start feeling whatever is chasing you is going to catch up to you and eat you. Then meltdowns occur, because you need to STOP RUNNING and sit down and rest.
He might not sense the signs of socialization overdose, especially if you're encouraging him to socialize more after he's been pushing himself to his limit, he may not understand what is wrong himself. He's found a good coping mechanism, online games, and I don't advise you to take that from him.
You know,for AS teens, school is already too much socialization for a day. Way over the limit. I suggest you ask him about this, allow him to think about his feelings and the signs of an overdose, and listen to him when he tells you he's tired. He may not be able to say exactly what tires him, because noone ever says "I'm tired of social interaction". If he's never heard that before, he won't recognise the feeling or be able to name it. I bet if you tell him about that concept , he will feel relieved that it is actually ok to feel that way, especially if you're AS! because it IS ok, and even vital to learn how to cope with it and when he should remove himself from social interactions before the stress become too high to control.
Is there no way you can homeschool? teen age years in high school are a waking nightmare. No kidding.

Thank you again for the responses. He is not on any SSRIs. I am not objectionable to his playing three games, only the amount of time that he spends doing it. He literally is on every waking minute that he is not in school, eating, or sleeping. I do understand, as much as I am capable, his difficulties with socialization. The descriptions in the responses make it even more clear to me. He is not pushed into being social; in fact, we all have become rather homebound so he can be more at ease.

As far as homeschooling, I'm a single mom. It is already difficult holding a job because he requires so much support right now. The possibility of private school that specializes in ASD is something I am seriously considering for him; somewhere that let's him be himself and learn his way, while supporting him in social aspects.

Definitely, keep posting ways for me to understand ASD better. Maybe I'll introduce him to this site. He could benefit greatly from talking to others that truly understand him, and who could help him put words to his feelings.

For a young child, socializing with your mother doesn't really count as socializing. It's mostly not confronting. But as you reach teenage years, and separate yourself mentally from your parents, it starts being another social interaction, with misunderstandings and expectations of normal reactions and disagreements... So, when you say he spends every waking hour on his game, it means that school was already too much, as I've said. And that he can't bear the thought of having to have another face to decipher once he gets home. It's not against you....
It may be a good idea directing him to the site, especially on the rest of the forum where we talk about our autism related issues, and offer each other support and solutions. Just reading some threads, even if he doesn't want to ask his own questions in the beginning, could give him some hints about what exactly is bothering him and how to approach it.

Best case scenario: He accepts a clear limit that he cannot commit violence against his younger sibling. He accepts that he has to find other ways of handling strong emotions. You present him with the idea that if he comes up with something equally or more positive, he can do that instead of traditional school. And he gets two other positives going in addition to his games so that he has a total of three positives in his life. And perhaps boxing and/or martial arts as a way of being both decent and strong. Any dojo worth it's salt preaches only fighting in cases of clear cut self-defense.

As a fallback: A grandparent or Aunt or Uncle he might stay with a little while to give you both a break?

Please note: I AM NOT A PARENT. but I have lived the life (as a person on the spectrum) and I'm a pretty alright guy

Hello there.

As DW_a_mom recommended, I encourage you to read the book that she suggested. If you haven't looked at it, you can link directly to it here: http://asdstuff.com/grats.html It is available in PDF or Doc format for your reading convenience. I know you may want a quicker answer then, 'go read this 180 page book', but unfortunately as this is a very complex topic, and a good bit of advice needs to be conveyed, a full book is somewhat necessary to cover all the basics. So, I suggest reading it through, thinking about it for a bit, and then coming to the forums and asking for clarification, further explanation, or more specifics where you need to. That way you have a good foundation of knowledge to build on so that you know what questions to ask.

As far as more personal advice is concered:
I don't think your child is being 'manipulative' per say. I have no doubt that he isn't acting as you wish, and I also have no doubt that he is doing whatever he can to get away from school, or back to playing his games. But this really isn't manipulative behavior. Its more like desperation behavior in trying to keep from losing his sanity. When people get desperate, they tend to act desperately in order to get what they need. Misinterpreting this desperation and manipulation doesn't really help the situation. It just makes you upset at the person for trying to fulfill their basic needs.

Overall, it sounds as though your child is overwhelmed, stressed out, and is reacting accordingly. A change in education venue might help with this problem, but it is somewhat like putting a band aid on a wound and hoping that fixes the problem when you have no idea what caused the wound, or how to prevent them. While band aids are good, they are no substitute for understanding the underlying problems. And that is why I suggest reading the book.

I'm sorry that I have no more specific information at this time, but as you learn more, and ask more specific questions, I may be able to provide advice in the future. Best of luck to you.

There is a documentary I saw on DVD from our local library called, "Two Worlds, One Planet." It's about teens on the spectrum that really don't seem to fit anywhere. Most of them have been kicked out of schools and their parents are desperate. The attend a school in Arizona called Gateway Academy, a private K-12 day school in Scottsdale, Arizona, specializing in Asperger syndrome, high-functioning Autism and Pervasive Developmental Disorder.
I do not know anything about this school personally - but the DVD shows what looks to me to be a wonderful option. I also have no idea about tuition-- perhaps they have scholarships.

The only thing I wonder about some of these special schools ... don't most AS kids prefer to stick to home or what they know? It is definitely a decision the child needs to be involved in, IMHO.

Hello there AndiLee

I haven't seen you make a post in the last few days, so I am just wondering how things are going. Did you find the book helpful, and do you have any more questions that still are confusing for you? I am just making sure that you aren't getting lost in too much information without enough understanding. So, if you have any questions, please feel free to ask.

Agreeing with what's gone before: get him out of school, he probably can't cope. Look into special schools, and look into child-centred schools. Even if you just get him out and he's playing games all day, he'll come to less harm than he is in school. Even just moving schools helps in some cases. Institutions will not help him at all, and exacerbate problems, so unless you want him locked up for life, don't do it. It's also possible things are going on which he hasn't told you, e.g. bullying. The key problem I think is excessive stress. You need to avoid contributing to this stress however you can. Reduce demands on him, leave him to play (it's a coping strategy) until he's more stable. (The same three games thing is a 'fixation' – they're like mental safe spaces which ward off anxiety through the fact that the space is entirely predictable and satisfying. The need for such things often increases with stress). Maybe try to encourage a hobby which could provide a home-based career later on, since it looks like he's going to grow up socially-anxious. You should also try to identify what sensory problems are triggering other issues (stress, meltdown). If he's 'defiant' then most likely he doesn't trust you: he thinks your interventions are attacks on him, and he might think that you hate him. Disciplinary framings and commands are generally a very bad idea with autistic people, because other people don't understand our sensory needs or capabilities, we're inclined to interpret rejection as personal (you hate me), and you aren't going to be able to tell what he can help and what he can't.

The “violence” thing will probably be meltdown. It's not conscious, it can't be deterred by either direct or imposed consequences (that bit of the brain is switched-off), and it's being triggered by some kind of overload (either internal or external) – I see them as analogous to epileptic fits, except in the brain rather than the body. The only way to stop meltdowns is to identify and reduce the causes of stress/overload, or for the affected person to learn how to spot them before they happen and to leave the situation. Since the details provided are limited, I've no idea what the cause is. His sister might need to learn not to push at his limits, or it might be something else entirely. The problem I often see with these kinds of threads is people see/list the problem “behaviour”, they don't have any idea what's causing it – this itself is the reason their situation seems so unstoppable. Next time he does this, don't concentrate on your own feelings that it's unacceptable or whatever, concentrate on what circumstances brought it about. Talk to your son about it if you can (NOT at the time – later, when he's calmed down) – how did he feel, what was he finding excessive. Keep a list across situations as to why they happen, what variables affect them. Also, do a web search on meltdowns, overload and crisis plans.

I have spent countless hours processing the information posted here, and I have read the information suggested from the ASDstuff site. I am going to apologize in advance for this being a lengthy post, but in the interest of getting the most helpful information, I feel I need to share a few things about my son and our life thus far. This by no means explains everything, just touches on a few key instances in our life.

I began to notice things were different with my son when he was a toddler. He pretty much started speaking in complete sentences, and was obviously extremely bright. He engaged with adults on an exceptional level. We all thought we had a prodigy on our hands, and we were right. But when he entered preschool and daycare, the first time he was around children of his own age, I began to notice that things were unusual for him. The teacher would tell me that he refused to interact with the other children, would "kick like a donkey" when it was circle time, and he would get VERY agitated at the other children when they could not put the marble track together correctly. He also would get "stuck" in a particular station, whether it was the book corner, or blocks...had difficulty with transitioning. All of this is understandable, now, but at the time, I just figured I had a strong willed child who was very smart and wanted to keep learning all he could. With him being my first child, nothing was alarming to me as far as his development; I had nothing to compare him to. This would prove to be an incredible blessing for us both.

When he was in kindergarten, his father and I divorced. Unfortunately, it turned into a dangerous situation. We had to move to a domestic violence shelter to hide. Luckily, there was a child psychologist there, who was the first one to tell me that she thought he was on the spectrum. I had no idea what that meant, so I researched, of course. It definitely fit, but we did not receive an official "diagnosis". When he was 7, we were living at a transitional house, one that could continue to keep us safe. He was getting old enough now to somewhat understand our situation, so I have no doubt that he became anxious and stressed over it. At this point, he was seeing a therapist. Not surprisingly, through all of the "doctors" and "therapists" he saw to this point, no one agreed on what was going on with my son. I heard everything from severe PTSD, ADHD, anxiety, spectrum disorder, PDD-nos, poor parenting, and just plain spoiled. I knew there was something different about him, but with all of the conflicting information, I was a confused mess. Through all of this though, I learned my son's triggers, kept him as calm as possible, insisted that the people who did interact with him worked with him on our terms as much as possible. He was in private school, and they were a little more understanding than the norm.

It was at this time he had a major meltdown. I did not understand what it was at the time. He tried to strangle himself with a shoestring. He would not calm down. I know what triggered it; (#1) we were running late for school, (#2) his little brother was pestering him, (#3) he hit his brother. He felt so guilty and was so upset. He would not calm down. I called his therapist, and she instructed me to take him to the hospital, for fear he would hurt himself further. (Yes, bad idea...but I was afraid that she would call Children Services if I did not take him at that point.) He was put in, completely doped up, and diagnosed as schizophrenic...AT AGE 7!! I knew enough about mental health to understand how unlikely this was, and, to boot, they were doing an Abilify study on children at the hospital. Needless to say, upon discharge, medication was reevaluated.

I remarried, and life went on. We moved a few times for my husband's job. This was difficult on him because we could not get established anywhere. I advocated for him the best I could. Through all of this, I emphasized to him that he was okay the way he was. Therapy was by no means a way to change him...I wouldn't want that at all. It was to help him learn to cope with everything. He has never been forced into activities, but if he showed an interest in something I would do my best to facilitate him learning more about it. It never bothered me that he was unusual, his stimming behavior was "normal" to me, just a part of who he is. I tried to encourage him to use different methods when in public or at school, i.e. a plastic tube to chew on, a stress ball to squeeze. At home, I held a firm belief that it was his "safe zone". I wanted him to have a place to be himself, not have to worry about being ridiculed for just being himself.

We moved to the town in which I currently reside, and domestic life began to deteriorate. My husband had been awarded custody of his three children (that made five children total in the home) and things became a little more chaotic. My husband began to try to discipline my son's "normal" behavior. When it wouldn't work (and most likely turned into a melt down) my son was banished to his room. Around this time my son was (finally) diagnosed ASD. I had known for awhile, and although it is just a label, it gave me peace of mind that someone might know how to guide me in helping him. I tried to educate my husband, but he continued to believe that it was behavioral. There was emotional abuse on my children and myself, and, needless to say, I chose to leave. That was about a year ago.

Now, it is just me and my two boys. The youngest is 9, and he is, for lack of better terminology, "normal". My oldest is 13, and has ASD, which is his "normal". I'm not sure why we are hitting brick walls now. I have worked with the schools on creating the least stressful environment, although they did not adjust as much as I feel they should have. I do allow him to play on the computer pretty much as he likes, and he just recently was able to express to me that he likes it because it helps him "not to think about all the other stuff in life". He does go out and play some with other children, although it is an unpredictable situation sometimes. He gets bullied, and runs home to me and I try to help him understand the meanness of some people. He has no desire for many activities, which is fine. He loves to cook, and comes up with some very......interesting concoctions.

When I first posted on here, we had just gone through a difficult time at school. He was obviously very stressed, had trouble maintaining in the regular classroom. They refused to put him in the resource room because "he was too smart and he should be in the least restrictive environment." They adjusted his IEP, and took away many of the things I felt were imperative he have. No more leaving the classroom when he needed, he had to write (handwriting), they basically quit giving him any of his emergency "outs" he would need to be able to function. So he started getting sick at school, vomiting constantly. He would then be allowed to go to the nurse. They started believing he was making himself do that, and eventually quit even letting him leave class if he threw up. He then resorted to sleeping. (He would have been happy to just read, but they took that away as well.) Basically, I was watching this school create an impossible situation for my son, and nothing I told them made any difference.

Luckily, I have found a job that allowed me to leave if I needed to deal with my son and the school. I was called at least four times a month to come and get him because they couldn't handle him anymore. Of course, when I got him home he was fine. He would get on the computer, or fall asleep. I understood that he was so emotionally exhausted at that point he just needed to escape. It broke my heart to see him so distressed. He had been suspended multiple times, once for threatening to stab a child with a pencil. He did not get punished at home...he had made all appropriate attempts to get a teacher involved, they failed, so he dealt with it his own way.

He continued to just sleep in class, refused to do any work at all, forget homework. The principal had twice put him in detention for not doing a test, even withholding lunch from him because he refused. The actual situation was that he didn't understand how to do the first question on the test, and he couldn't skip. He had to do number 1 to move on to number 2. I had tried countless times to explain that to the teachers, but to no avail. I was called in to a formal meeting with all seven of his teachers, the principal, school nurse, and school psychologist. They believed he needed a shorter school day, so his day was cut to only the core classes. (This took away the only class he liked - art.) He still slept, still would not work. At this time I realized that they had ruined all trust with him and he had shut down. Given up. He actually stated that it was easier for him to get into trouble for not doing anything than it was to try and get in trouble for not doing it right. Last week they suspended him for 5 more days for, as best as I can understand, not cooperating with the teachers. The principal made it very clear that if he was not able to work, he shouldn't even bother to come back. I'm not sending him back. No one should have to feel the way he did everyday.

So that is where we stand right now. I took time off from work, but now have to return so that I can provide for my children. I have no choice but to leave him here, alone, all day. He has completely lost any drive to learn. I know he is dealing with more than ASD. I am doing my best with him, but between the normal thirteen year old stuff, the transition to a cramped apartment, no school, and me gone at work, we are facing things we haven't dealt with before.

Now I am left with what to do from this point. I know a typical "hospital" thing is a bad idea. There is one place locally that is a therapeutic residential facility. The only deal with spectrum, and only take eight adolescents at a time, and they work with them for six months to a year. Part of me thinks that he would benefit from the structure that I cannot provide, as well as some emotional therapy to deal with the trauma he has endured. It is not a hospital. I'm struggling with this decision. Could he benefit from being around other ASD kids for a period of time, in a setting where they all were learning coping skills? Private school is an option, but obviously finances cause a major problem. We don't have any child-centered schools here, that I know of. I'm not worried about anything social. He'll get there, I have no doubt. And, yes, he will always be a little strange. I love that about him. It makes him my son. But I am desperately concerned with his loss of interest in learning anything. It is a drastic difference from the way he was before. He is obviously stressed and anxious the majority of the time, to the point of being aggressive to his sibling. It is affecting my youngest now, very much. And as level as I try to stay, it is affecting me too.

I hope this ridiculously lengthy bit of history sheds some light on our situation. I've been strong as much as I can be, but I see things spiraling out of control. Please don't misunderstand....our life has always been different, my son and I have a very strong bond, and I do not try to control him. He is my son, the good, the weird, the everything. We talk, rather amusingly, about how he is different and that it is wonderful...he thinks I'm weird too. He says that I understand him, even if no one else does. I think I used to, but now with the hormones and teenager stuff I am beginning to feel a little lost. After reading the book on ASDstuff site, I feel a little more secure about things. I haven't been such a poor parent after all. Thank you all for that little boost. I needed it. But I see his mental health deteriorate, his desires fade, all motivation gone. I don't want him to lose that fabulous spark he has always had.

(You are a good writer, not that it serves your purpose here.) Can you ask for referrences at the residential facility? How successful have they been with any other AS/PTSD child? Talk with moms of kids who were there. Were any of those children as bad off as yours is now?

Your child is so young. I would think there should be a way of getting his spark back. Just my 2 cents but it's possible that letting him play all day on computer will wear off and get boring. He'll have his vacation but then got so bored he'll want to learn something. While you do your research about the facility, he could take two weeks just to detox from school - play computer games all day. Then he could do Time4Learning.com which is an online curriculum for a while just to get back in to school mode. It is highly attractive to my aspie. Time4Learning only goes to 8th grade, I think, so it's only a stop gap for you.

I do pray God shows you the way.

I read your long post. I didn't find it excessively long, as you had much pertinent information to convey.
Here are some thoughts I had as I read it.

1. Your kid has been through a LOT of instability, much more than the average kid. Instability is rough for any kid, but much more so for an AS child. If at all possible, you should avoid any more moves or romantic relationships.

2. Your kid's school seems completely clueless about autism. Forcing a kid to go without lunch, or remain in a classroom when they're puking?? That's child abuse. He should be removed immediately. (Personally, I would also consult an attorney, as the school is probably using these tactics in order to get rid of your son).

3. You mentioned your son loves cooking. Use that! You want him to spend less time online, so buy him some cookbooks and let him make dinner now and then (with some supervision, I would think). Give him lots of praise and encouragement.

4. Enough with the meds and the hospitals and the endless doctors. I imagine he feels like quite a freak with all that going on. I would stick with one good therapist, and that's it. Asperger's isn't something you can fix, with or without drugs. It's something you accomodate and learn to live with. I'm sure the therapist will be helpful in dealing with all the abuse and instability he's suffered, however.

P.S. If any of this sounds blunt, consider the source.
Also, I'm not a doctor and all of the above is IMHO only.