Toddler socialization

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I have some questions about toddler socialization that perhaps some neurotypical parents might be able to help with. Comments from aspies are welcome too.

The question concerns my daughter. Starting at around 18 months, when she could walk on the playground, she showed the following pattern: she would watch intently when the other kids were playing, but would not actually participate. When the playground is empty except for her, she's happy to play.

At first I figured she was just being careful because the other kids were mostly bigger than her. However, at 2 years 9 months, her present age, the patterns haven't really changed, even with kids her own size. Only once or twice over the intervening time did she actually interact with another kid, both times when the other kid was almost the exact same age and the playground was otherwise empty. Recently she did interact with another child who was maybe a year older, but the pattern still seemed unusual; she followed the other girl around very closely, which the other girl seemed to find a bit disconcerting. The other girl was able to get her to respond to some questions (e.g. "do you want water").

She is otherwise pretty normal in her development except that her pronunciation may be a bit behind, likely due to being raised in a bilingual environment.

So, the first question is, any suggestions for whether and what we should do?

The second question, and the one I'm even more interested in, is, what is she thinking when she observes so intently? I don't really understand the behavior, because I can't remember having any interest at all in what other children were doing when I was a child. On the other hand, her behavior doesn't seem typical of the other tots I see on the playground, either.

It sounds like maybe she's just shy and unsure of herself. Maybe she's watching because she wants to play but doesn't really know how to initiate contact. I can't recall if you mentioned if your wife is NT? Your other child (sorry if I'm wrong.. I think I recall seeing somewhere that you have two).. If everyone, or the majority of the house is ASD, she might notice the difference between the characteristics of those she knows best, and the other weirdos out in the rest of the world. Maybe she's just intimidated by it all. If she finds comfort in a buddy (ie the girl she latched on to) perhaps you can help her initiate a relationship between one or two kids you see regularly at the park. Then she will have a buddy or two to help ease her transition...

What is she like in other situations aside from the playground, like being in a room with a few other kids her age?

At this age, if your not seeing any thing else that concerns you, I wouldn't worry.
At this age there is a lot of parallel play going on, this is "normal" child development. She is obviously from what you've described taking an interest in her surroundings, another positive.
She is probably a little shy, maybe a little unsure about the other kids, so she is just watching and mentally taking notes for future reference. Everything at this age is a learning opportunity for her, she is learning how to play and how to interact with the other children.

As burnt out mom said, if the majority of her familiar support network are on the spectrum, she may be just that little bit more unsure but intrigued by neuro typical behavior.

My son, who is now 4.5 was like this as a toddler as well. It was actually one of the things I brought up with my pediatrician as a concern. I had other concerns as well, but at that age, the Doc still wanted me to wait and see because it was still in the realm of typical behavior at that point.

However, it turned out my gut was right. Now we know that he has a lot of trouble with transitions, so playing in crowded playgrounds was very difficult. If you consider that every interaction with another child on a playground is actually a transition, it makes a lot of sense. I also discovered at about age 3, that he could have a one on one playdate and do really well, but he would push, shove, cry or completely retreat when a third or fourth child entered play. We spent a lot of time with him sitting next to me (usually asking to go home) at crowded playgrounds.

He's since become much better and can tolerate playing on a playground. I think part of what also made playgrounds difficult for him is that he is SUCH a rule follower. It really stressed him out if kids weren't playing on the equipment the way he thought it should be played. Again, he's not so rigid now because he's just had a lot more experience on playgrounds. I spent a lot of time setting up one on one playdates at playgrounds that were typically less crowded to get him accustomed to playing on the equipment.

This is just one way to look at it.... but since your child is so young, you might find it's just a developmental phase. If you have other concerns aside from the playground behavior, you might want to look further into it, but if it's just this, then you might be able to just wait and see.

Good luck!!

My wife is about as aspie as I am. Our son is 14 months, so there's not much to tell there ... our daughter treats him mostly as a big animated doll so far. We did purposely pick our current au pair for personality traits that are like our own aspie traits. So, I think you might be on to something there.

She doesn't seem much interested in other adults, though, aspie or otherwise. I suspect she thinks she's got adults figured out - they're in the world for the convenience of children.

Our daughter might be happier with a less aspie au pair, so maybe we should take that into consideration next time. Of course, by then we can probably include her in the decision making directly.



I've tried to do that, but unfortunately I hardly ever see the same other kid twice. My wife does more of the park trips; maybe I'll talk to her about that.


Pretty much the same. Actually the incident with following the older girl around did not happen at the park.

Not all, but a lot of people who frequent parks have a schedule of sorts.. they go before lunch, or after, or after nap time, or when parents get home from work... I would try going to the park at the same time everyday if you are looking to help your daughter build relationships.

I had joined a new mother's group when my son was born, and we used to meet weekly at the park until the kids started K. That was a built in group of kids he had some comfort level with. I think that helps a lot of socialization.

But ... some kids like being around other little children, some don't. There aren't real right answers for how they should interact, in my opinion. My son was always the most outgoing child in the group, but also one of the ones that never really bonded with any of the other kids. Kind of like his mom currently is, really