Help! Advice on telling your child they have Aspergers

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My wife and I are starting to feel it may be time to tell our nine year son that he has Aspergers. This seems to be a gut feeling that the time is right and that attaching a "label" to some of his current challenges may be a relief for him; but we are nervous and don't want to set him back or hinder his confidence any more than it already is. Does anyone have advice on what approach worked for them (or didn't work) on presenting this? I would also be interested in hearing from older Aspie kids whose parents informed them?

Just say it like its no big deal....
congratulations you have asperger's.

It is nice to have a name for ones differences,
I recall the first time I heard of Aspegers Syndrome I must have been about 12. We, my Dad was driving my Brother, Sister and myself home from a day out and my sister asked my dad, "Why does iceb go away to school"? I of course cringed and tried to curl up in the back of the car, but my dad told us I has something called Aspergers Syndrome. I have to say the most difficult thing we found about that was pronouncing the name Aspurger, I had known full well I was a little bit different for a long time, "Now you have a name for it" My Dad commented he also explained it was difficult to pronounce because Dr. Aspurger was an Austrian.
Back in those days it had little meaning other than my Father the only other person who would have known about it back in those days would have been my German Headmadster at the special school I went to from whom he must have gained that information, incidentally we had quite a low regard for labels there.

Tell him what it is, and tell him that it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Yup. I found out at 34. 9 would have been so much better.

Our conversation was along the lines of, "so you know how you've been meeting with all these people to help us understand why certain things seem to be so hard for you even though everyone can see how smart you are. Well, it seems you were born with your brain wired a little differently, and that difference has a name: Aspergers. There are other people out there a lot like you, and many of them have become inventors just like you want to be! Some things will always be harder for you, some easier, but now that we know that your brain is wired differently the school will know how to work with you better" He was 7 at the time, and totally relieved.

That would have been nice

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Can-Tell-About- ... 257&sr=8-2

I sat my 10 yr down and started the conversation by saying we were going to play a game. The game was finding differences and similarities between family members and friends and ourselves That led into saying how everyone has different likes/dislikes and how everyone is different from each other. That then led into asking her what SHE thought was different about herself and that then led into talking about how her visits to CAMHS etc had led to her having a diagnosis of aspergers and then explaining how it was a great thing as so many people she admires (scientists, inventors etc) are suspected to be aspie She came away from that discussion very pleased with herself for being so special

Our son was finally being tested the end of last school year, when he was finishing the 2nd grade and was 8, almost 9 years old. (We have only used the school services; however, we have some great psychologists through our district, so we are comfortable with their evaluation.) We received the report and diagnosis at the very end of the school year. I am a big reader and so is my son. I had him read Asperger's, The Universe, and Everything by Kenneth Hall. This boy isn't an exact replica of my son, but there were enough similarities that my son identified with him. It seems to have really clicked with him. Although, he was funny and literal when he made the comment "You know Mom, that boy never does talk about the universe." After he read it, we sat down and talked about Aspergers and that he too was an AS kid (as the boy in the book says.) My son was very matter of fact about it and sometimes will mention to people that he is an AS. I don't think he keeps it a big secret in his class. However, I doubt most of the kids even know what he is talking about. We then had a family meeting where he used a simple picture book that talks about Aspergers ( I can't recall the name right now.) to tell his siblings about what this meant. It wasn't like this was some big shock. The whole family always knew he had many differences, but it was nice to have a name and for him to know there were many others like him.

I only quoted you to say "Hi!" I heard you were the mom to talk to around these parts about a good view to have.

Now back to the question at hand, our son has kind of always known; he was diagnosed with autism (not Aspie, so I'm sure some of that is different right off the bat) at 3. We told him and now we just talk about it in age appropriate ways. He is very upbeat about it, and we have always encouraged him that his brain just works differently then ours, but it isn't broken or needs fixed. I think if anything we may have inadvertently given him a superiority complex about it. He is almost 6 but can articulate that his brain with autism helps him draw really well but makes it a little hard for him to sit still in a crowd. Personally, we have found that the more he knows about his autism the more he can help us understand. We are very open about why we do certain therapies and find that the older he gets the more he educates us on what is really working or not. I think the key is how you present it, not that big of a deal and definitely not a bad thing. You have to walk the line of not sugar coating it, but making him realize there is nothing wrong with him.

When I was about 10 my pediatrician asked my mother if I was autistic and I became seriously peeved...though he wouldn't have known it.

This is probably why I found out about the AS so late. I really think a lot has to do with how you present it, and your own perceptions of AS though.

By defining it as something that, in your eyes, makes him more needy than other, or as "people who have trouble understanding x" or "people who have trouble making friends" or "people who have trouble socializing" you are over emphasizing the weak points of those with AS, and that's not really warranted, given the degree of the strong points.

If I had a child who also had AS, I'd probably first ask them if they ever felt they were different than most people. I think most children with AS would say yes to this. Then I'd give them a talk about how the world needs people who think a little differently from the rest, because it's those people who are going to come up with new ideas and new solutions to difficult problems. This is where you talk about his strong points. AS has occasionally been called "Little professor syndrome", and I promise you, there are children out there with AS that know an astounding amount of knowledge in their field of interest. Frequently the family is unaware how extensive this knowledge can be, as people with AS don't always seek to share their interests with others.

So I'd really just explain that everyone's brains a wired a little differently, and some more so than others such that it gives them certain gifts, but that comes at a price.

I'm not sure if you've told him yet, but i hope i can help!
First of all, i think this is a good age that he should definately know about his diagnosis. I think that most parents are so worried about telling a kid there is something wrong with them, but most kids around your son's age know that they are different. I think i've always known, but 3rd grade was the time when i really wish i had known, as people always called me wierd, and i always told myself that i wasn't wierd, i was just different than them. and i was right, as i was basically diagnosing myself with asperger's at age 8. So anyway, your son's diagnosis may actually make him feel better that it really isn't his fault, and that he is just a little different, and there are others like him. I would say something like this:
"You have something called Asperger's (i would leave out 'Syndrome' for now). It means that your brain is a little different than other peoples brains. Some parts of your brain work really well, (here i would mention some strengths), but some parts of your brain don't work as well as other peoples. And having Asperger's means that sometimes it's hard to make friends, and sometimes you get more upset over things (mention a few aspie traits that affect your child specifically), but you also have some talents that other people don't have such as (emphisize your child's talents). And, Asperger's can help you do really great things. Albert Einstein (I would look up famous people with AS, so you can mention someone your child knows) had it too, and s/he/they where able to do amazing things."
Be sure to ask your child if he has any questions about Asperger's Syndrome, and answer truthfully. You must be willing to admit to your child that this can cause some difficulties, but can also be a great thing.

good luck to you and to your son!

here are some famous people with suspected Asperger's:
Albert Einstein, Isaac Newton, Charles Darwin, Mozart, Michelangelo, Thomas Jefferson, Emily Dickinson, Hans Christian Andersen, Galileo, Bill Gates, Benjamin Franklin, Leonardo da Vinci, Beethoven, Shakespeare, Charles Dickinson, Thomas Edison, Samuel Clemens, Henry Ford

About me: I was just recently diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome at 14, but boy do i wish i knew sooner. I just know that that is what i would have wanted my parents to say, and basically what i plan to tell any child i may have if he/she is diagnosed with an ASD, as i believe it runs in my family.

Why do you want to tell him? Has he been wondering why he is different than his peers?


Tell him he sees things differently and that his mind works different than other people and he views the world differently and that he thinks different and sees things differently.

That's how my mom explained it to me. She also told me I had a different learning style.

We knew it was time to tell my son when he was coming home from school and having horrible meltdowns saying things like: "what is wrong with my me?" "my brain isn't right" "I shouldn't be alive" Etc. He was really relieved to have an explanation for feeling different. I think he was 7 or 8, he wasn't actually diagnosed until he was 9, but we knew it was time to explain. We introduced him to Wrong Planet, where he immediately began posting many tech questions and polls in the Computer section (he loves operating systems)! (Thanks many WP post-ees, you are the best!) We make sure he feels really talented at his area of ability, and encourage more knowledge- aspies get a lot of joy indulging in their interests and get pride out of it- I believe strongly in that! I even go along with him to GSLUG (Greater Seattle Linux User Group) meetings, so he can relate to others with similar interests- I feel silly the "analog mom" just sitting their listening to people talk about running "virtual machines" etc! We are envious of his passion and focus, not to mention impressed by his knowledge. He is planning on building a computer for his 5th grade project! We are relaxed about things like homework and making friends (he did a few "friendship group" things where he felt he was being treated like a baby). I think being relaxed and normal about things helps (we have an NT daughter as well). He has since moved to a new school (similar to charter), where he is very happy, very few meltdowns. He now even plays the Asperger Card when I am getting annoyed with him, especially with sensory issues when I will say " you can't do that people will think its weird", and he says proudly," I am weird!" We talk a lot about different types of brains, I mean a lot of people aren't exactly "NT" these days! We watched Temple Grandin's talks on TED (we love TED!), and talked about how his dad is dyslexic and sees things visually, and speculated on our own types of brains. Often we mention Aspergers in a positive or just normal way, like when interesting scientists talk about things with incredible passion we always say, "they must be an aspie!"
Aspergers is a totally normal word in our house. No big deal.

That was exactly what was happening with my son too. I believe everyone copes better when they understand what they are dealing with, so we decided to explain things to him when he was 8 (and had just been diagnosed with AS).

I explained to him that the Drs discovered that his brain works differently than most people's - one part of his brain is really, really smart, but the other side has some difficulty, which is why he has trouble making friends and managing his emotions. He was relieved to have a logic explanation for what he was feeling and now totally accepts it for its advantages as well as disadvantages - and himself!

Here is our story, if you'd like more specifics:
http://asdhelp.wordpress.com/2010/08/17 ... the-truth/
Good luck on your journey!